Update (and apologies)

I'm sorry for dropping of the face of the earth mid-meme.  I've just been hit with another round of illness, a heaping pile of work, and a bunch Master-helping (we're changing apartments, and that's got us frantic).

I'll return soon!  I wanted to let everyone know I haven't died or dropped off the face of the earth.

*~zelda...

Day 17 of 30...

Day 17: What misconceptions about kinky people would you most like to clear up?

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This question kind of made me laugh.  I don't know about misconceptions... but there are some stereotypes that sort of irk me.

For one thing, we aren't insane.  I think it's odd when people decide to blame sexual kinkiness on some type of psychological issue.  It's not in the DSM, people.  Leave it alone.  You don't have to be a lunatic to enjoy pain or power dynamics or anything else kink related.  I don't deny that I have some issues, but I'm just saying - being kinky isn't a symptoms of any mental disorder.  I study this shit for a living.  I promise.

Hmm, here's another.  We're not all professional Dominatrices, Doms, slaves, submissives, etc.  Some vanillas seem to think that we're all glorified prostitutes or something. OR the other misconception is that if you are into BDSM, you MUST be a swinger or poly.  I'm living proof that this isn't a vital aspect of kink. Sure, it is for some people.  Yay for them.  But just because someone is kinky, don't assume they have multiple sexual partners.  It irritates when people automatically assume this about Master and I (especially when we've made it clear we're not looking for play partners or anything else).  In order to avoid looking silly or being disrespectful... ask first, touch later.

Also, we're not always what we seem.  A slave or a submissive doesn't have to work as a librarian or in the service industry.  Some of us are giant tycoons and if you dare fuck with us, we will remove your limbs.  A lot of slaves have a zero-tolerance for bullshit.  I'm one of them.  Don't assume I'm a pleasant, ultra-feminine, fuck doll just because I'm someone's slave.  You will regret this.  Alternatively, not all Dominants go running around verbally assaulting people or pushing people around like dicks.  A lot of these people are quiet, reserved men.  You don't have to be an asshole to be a dominant.

Additionally, just because someone is a dom doesn't mean they are automatically a sadist or an abuser.  Same goes for slaves and subs - not all of 'em are masochists and even if they are, it doesn't mean they enjoy abuse.

Most importantly, remember kids - it's not abuse when you consent to it and you like it. :P  BDSM =/= abuse.  Sure, some unscrupulous people will use it for that purpose.  But don't make assumptions.  It makes us sad.

Those are the first stereotypes/misconceptions that popped into my head.  Feel free to mention more if you've got 'em!

*~zelda...

Day 16 of 30...

Day 16: What are the most difficult aspects of having a sexuality that involves kink or BDSM for you personally?

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Um... "difficult"?  I don't know if anything is really difficult.  It's difficult internally (goes against my nature for some weird reason, remember?) and sometimes I struggle with that.  But you've heard quite enough about that so I think I'll choose a different topic.

I know almost no one (personally) that is kinky.  I know a few people, but they all live out of state.. all old friends from waaaaay back in the day.  Strange how that works.  But, as far as our local pals go, I feel like we have to be somewhat secretive.  Not a lot, and not with most people.  Some friends know more than others.  Most are just fine with it or have no opinion.  I've had a few people get very fascinated with it and want to discuss it with me more, which I'm always happy to do.  But one particular snafu comes to mind...

Master and I were at a friend's house.. about 10 of us were over, playing video games and relaxing.  Nothing very exciting.  I was wearing my leather collar (which my friends had seen before), but Master also had me on a leash that day.  I didn't think it would matter.  These were my friends and there had been no other complaints.  Most people were like "har, I get it!" or just smiled in a knowing, amused fashion as my friends and I so often do. :P

However, I later found out that one fellow (the man who I knew the least well out of all those people) was somewhat perturbed by it.  He wasn't offended, but rather felt that it gave him some kind of.. "permission" to objectify me.  It was obvious from past incidents that this guy was attracted to me, but I mostly just shut him down and moved on.  It wasn't something that worried me.  But to hear that he took it as permission..?  I dunno, it pissed me off and it pissed off Master.  One of our less understanding pals mentioned to me that he could understand the thought process of our other friend... "collars are a symbol of objectification".  I disagree.  I don't think ownership equates to objectification in all cases, but I digress.

It's fine for Master to objectify me.  I am his.  But some other guy who we didn't even know very well just.. making these assumptions?  I later found out he exaggerated the story to other people, making it sound as if I showed up leashed more often than not and that Master and I were doing things in front of other people that made "even (the guy who never cares, name omitted)" "uncomfortable".  Which was false.  All false.  We never did anything out of the ordinary in front of people.  We're not touchy, grabby, make-out in public types.  Even when I was leashed, wanna know what we were doing?  Playing Mario Kart with other people. xD  Cause that's the MOST erotic experience two people can share, right?

It just felt disrespectful.  I didn't appreciate the weird rumors and lies either.  I later forgave this person, but still... I guess the point is, it's a shame kink is something so many people have to hide.  I don't feel like I need to conceal it.  However, I do now keep in mind that there are some people who just don't understand it.  Obviously this guy did not understand what a collar meant or what it is for.  It's tough to blame an ignorant person (though I did.. and I blamed him for the lies spread about me, but anyway :P).  All the same, it's a shame people can't be more expressive about who they are I suppose.

*~zelda...

Day 15 of 30...

Day 15: Post a BDSM/kink activity you're curious about and would like to try.

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Call me crazy.  I have no basis for wanting to try this.  If I think about it, I would probably hate it.  I don't know anyone personally who has tried this... but it calls to me.  The only thing stopping me?  Cost.

What I am talking about is a violet wand.  I have always wanted to try something like that... especially inside.  The idea of inserting an electrode and feeling the pulsations of current just sounds.. well, electrifying.  C'mon, you HAD to see that pun coming guys.  But more seriously.. it just sounds hot.

Of course, things often sound a lot hotter than they really are.  And a violet wand is an expensive investment in something that I might not even like.  I wish I knew someone local who owned one so that I could try it.  Meh... I'll keep dreaming. ;)

*~zelda...

Day 14 of 30...

Day 14: How would you say real life BDSM/kink differs from fantasy BDSM/kink?  If you haven't experienced BDSM/kink in real life, how do you think it might differ?

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This is something no one talks about for some reason, even though it's something that's quite important.  I'll try to answer this properly/not half-assed this time.  Though please remember, I'm speaking from an M/s, 24/7 point of view.  I'm also going to use male pronouns when referring to D-types.  Don't be offended, it's from MY point of view and (SURPRISE) I'm a woman owned by a man.

One of the most important things to remember is that there will be days when you just don't fucking feel like it.  There is going to be a hard cock being smacked against your face, you might be blindfolded and tied up, maybe a vibrator trapped inside you some place for a tease.... sounds pretty standard/attractive, right?  Yea, well.. sometimes you're going to be thinking "Fuck this, why am I here right now?".  But, you do it anyway because you love the sick bastard your Master.  Sometimes you will be expected to serve when you just aren't up for it.  Maybe Master will be nice and let you off the hook, and then again, maybe he won't.  Sometimes taking kink when you don't really want it can be tough (for those of you considering CNC).  It can border on damaging for some people, depending on what's going on.  It's just something have to consider.  But hey... sometimes it's hot to think about afterwards even if you aren't into it while it's happening.  You know you love being forced and taken advantage of... ;)

Or maybe you're being made to clean something gross in the bathroom, and you'll be thinking "Gee, this is neither erotic nor glamorous and it's CERTAINLY not something I saw in all those porn clips!  What's going on?".  That will happen.  It's called reality. :P It can be lame sometimes.  Not every task or service you perform will be sexy and satisfying.  A lot of the "tasks" I get from Master aren't sex-related, humiliating, etc... He'll want me to repair a database error on his website.  He'll want me to feed myself before he gets home.  Or he might just want me to lay out his pajamas for him so that he can be comfy right when he returns from work.  These are not generally things that make me aroused. xD  That's not to say I don't enjoy them.  I do like to help Master in ANY way that I can.  He's so self-reliant that helping him even a little feels like a real treat.  I'm just saying that my service doesn't always leave my quivering in anxious anticipation of orgasm.  (It happens.. but we're discussing fantasy/reality discrepancies, so we're focusing on that :P)

Another thing is that sometimes your Dom/Master/whoever isn't going to feel like it either.  Maybe he had a long day at work and all he wants is some food and to be allowed to relax.  I imagine it takes some energy to top someone.  Domly-types need their rest too.  It can be frustrating when you're prepped and ready to take anything they can throw at you but hey.. if you're understanding and give them the care and lurv they need, maybe they'll remember that the next time you don't feel like being fucked senseless. Maybe.  Maybe not.

Which leads me to another point - it isn't fair.  Period.  You probably thought about this at some point, but think about it more.  When he doesn't feel like it, you have to leave him alone.  You can't force him to top you.  When YOU don't feel like it, he's perfectly capable of making you submit.  In fact, it is his prerogative to do so.  You might be lucky and have a kind soul as your Master who will let you rest if you simply don't feel like it (Master has done this, though I usually only get out of it when I'm sick or something else is wrong with me).  But he doesn't have to.  There is a lot more that simply isn't fair... sometimes it really fucking sucks.  Sometimes you're going to be depressed about it.  And they cannot understand it because the "not fair" scales are always tipped in their favor.  They may know logically that you may be frustrated about the lack of apparent justice, but they'll never know how hard it really is. (Of course, the lack of fairness might very well be your aim.  That's what a power dynamic IS, after all. I'm just saying.. it isn't always easy.  It isn't always pleasant.  I would be lying to you if I said it was.)

Basically, BDSM can be hard.  I only mentioned a handful of things.  Ponder these and some others.  M/s isn't all fun and games... but we do some of that sometimes. xD

*~zelda...

Day 13 of 30...

Day 13: Explain as best you can what the appeal of kink/BDSM is to you.  Why are you drawn to what you're drawn to?

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I've basically discussed this already in my "Day 1" post.  The short answer is "I don't know".  I can tell you what I enjoy about my role as a slave, but as for WHY I enjoy those things?  It's all very nebulous.  I always feel weird trying to "explain" myself.  It feels like.. I dunno, why should I have to explain myself? :P  I might be somewhat impatient with this question right now because I feel like A - I've already answered this to some extent and B - I'm also overly busy right now.

Damn this post-a-day regimen.  I could come back and edit later, I suppose but... it would feel a little like cheating.  It's an issue I struggle with myself.  I enjoy finally being allowed to relinquish control and not worry so much.  That's one benefit, out of many.  But.. I like the things I like simply because I do.  I don't know WHY.  Why simply doesn't seem relevant to me.  Again, this is something else I've touched in a previous post (Day 4, early experiences that might point to kinks).  Hmm... perhaps this question is simply redundant at this point?

Or maybe I'm just frustrated because I'm tired.  I admit to this being a possibility.  I'm not shy about that. lol  Meh, again, maybe this will be revisited later under a different post.  I feel I've addressed this issue already, but if you want me to give a "proper" answer.. comment and let me know. :P

*~zelda...

Day 12 of 30...

Day 12: Tell us about a humorous BDSM/kink experience you've had.  If you haven't had one, talk about aspects of kink/BDSM you find funny.

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(Sorry for the posting delay.. I had written up these responses, but haven't had the ability to post them until now.  Sorry for that!)

I can't think of anything particularly humorous that we've been through.  We've had some funny moments trying things that we were both new at, I suppose.  One thing that comes to mind is Master trying to bind my wrists for the first time and watching as I repeatedly slipped out of the knots.  It wasn't that he couldn't tie them tight enough, but rather that he feared cutting off my circulation.  We were both in experienced at the time... I wasn't used to being restrained, he wasn't really used to restraining me. :P  It was somewhat comical at the time, though Master may remember it (if he does remember it) as more of a frustrating experience than a humorous one.

Um... a funny aspect of BDSM?  I'm not really sure.  This might be something I have to come back to later.. I mean, seriously just go on Fetlife for like 5 minutes.  There are a LOT of things on there that are comical...

*~zelda...

Day 11 of 30...

Day 11: What are your views on the ethics of kink?

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Ooo, I'm barely getting this post in today. xD

The ethics of kink. I mean… alright. I guess. This isn’t an issue I spend a lot of time thinking about. My ethics are probably different from those of other people. I tend to be fairly tolerant of people with different kinks (the same way I’m tolerant of differing political or religious views). But, like politics and religion, I have conditions. One: don’t tell me I’m an idiot for disagreeing with you. Two: don’t try to convert me or look down on me when I inform you that, although fascinating, your differing point of view has not enlightened me or changed my way of thinking.

It is the same with kink. For instance, I recognize that poly (which keeps coming up just because it’s a good, easy example) is great for some people. It isn’t something I’m interested in, it would upset me, and it’s just.. meh. Again, no matter how awesome it is for someone else, they aren’t going to “convert” me or make me change. There are very few “kinks” I take moral issue with. These things basically line up with the forbidden subjects listed fetlife Terms of Service, if you want to get an idea. I’d rather not even mention them in my blog, if that’s okay. I’m sure people can at least gather some idea of what I’m talking about here.

General ethics? Dude, I don’t know. I’m sure it would vary by person. For the most part, don’t abduct people without their permission I suppose. Get consent. And by that, I mean consent that is legal. The person must be of age. The person must not be mentally retarded or mentally unhealthy. The person must not be impaired (drunk, high, etc). If a person does not meet those criteria (of age, not mentally impaired, not impaired by a substance), the consent you might get from them does not count. It must be verbal or written. This is USA law, not me talking.

For those of us involved in TPE or “consensual non-consent” scenarios, I’m not suggesting we get or give consent every 8 seconds. Just that.. you know, maybe don’t agree to be someone’s property when you’re drunk. xD That’s all I’m saying. For the most part, as long as everyone is happy, I’m not that concerned with ethics. There are messier issues of course, but those will vary by situation.

For instance, I don’t think my Master would command me to get on my knees and suck him off while my mother is in town and having dinner with us. A – my mother didn’t “consent” to this little show and B – it would PROBABLY damage our relationship with her. Maybe some owners WOULD expect their slave to do that. Is that unethical? I dunno. It isn’t for me, but maybe the people involved with that owner don’t care as much. I mean, the above example is PROBABLY not a very likely scenario. I saw a thread on fet where a dude got all pissy because he had a rule that HE does all dishes, not the slave. At the slave’s parents’ home for dinner, they asked her to do the dishes and she obliged – listening to her family and disregarding her master’s freakish passion for doing dishes.

Is that unethical? Because omg, the parents didn’t consent to him doing the dishes and oh noooooooo. Again, I dunno. To these people, it might have been alright for her to disobey her family and let her master do the damn dishes. Maybe a blowjob at the dinner table wouldn’t be okay. Again, specific ethics vary.

Get consent and don’t do shit that is federally illegal. That’s really all I care about.

We can't go back.

I had an issue the other day.  Friday, I think.  I was too tired to talk about it then.   I feel weird blogging about this sort of thing, because usually when the emotions are fresh I'm too worn out to write about them.  When I get my energy back, I feel there is no use dwelling on something I'm no longer upset about and I end up not writing about it.  But this might be worthy blog fodder, so I'll give it a go.

It started with me being disobedient.  I admit this.  I'm not perfect.  I was doing something inane, playfully tapping him on the head when he had already told me to stop once.  Honestly, most of the time I can bug him like this and get no real reaction.  But instead I was met with "Either stop it or I'm not driving you to class".  Mind, this is was said with the knowledge that I had no access to my own car and no money for public transportation.  I panicked.  Like... freakishly so.

In my head, it was all.... OMG my education is so important, you WANT me to be educated, I've worked so hard for this, you aren't even paying the bills for it, wtfffffffff. (Not very slave-like, I know but you can judge me later.  I'm aware of my flaws.)

His side of the argument was that it shouldn't matter how "extreme" or "inappropriate" his threat was - stop bothering him and nothing would come of it.  I didn't buy it.  Frankly, I still don't buy it.  I grew up in a household where I received extremist punishments for doing next to nothing wrong.  By the time I was 12, I simply stopped listening and started living by my own rules because I felt that it didn't matter if I was perfect, I was STILL going to end up in shit (my parents were a bit loopy).  So I did what I wanted and was better off for it.  I didn't want my relationship with Master to spiral in that direction.  He didn't seem to think it mattered.  He's boss: "just do as I say and it'll be fine".

That phrase is strangely comforting, yet infuriating.  Sometimes I feel very ready to accept that and I'm GLAD to accept it, knowing that it's true.  Other times I get in this OH YEA? GO FUCK YOURSELF! type of reaction even knowing that he's right.  It's weird.  I'm weird.  I'm not pretending that it's right or that it's justified behavior, but it is who I am damnit.  In the end, am I not still there every night?  I am.  I've never run out.  I couldn't bring myself to, even in my craziest of moments.

And so later that day (there was more shit, but it's too long/convoluted to detail here... I'm just giving you an idea of how it started) he sat me down and let me rant and rave like the lunatic that I am as I tried to explain just how fucking difficult this shit is for me.  I wasn't complaining, I was just trying to convey my point of view to him (something that is VERY tough).  And he pondered and said to me "If this has such a toll on you, maybe we should end this dynamic.  Maybe it isn't right for you."

It felt like the rug got pulled out from under my feet.  I thrive on knowing that he'll always be there to catch me when I fall, be there to correct me when I fuck up.... and that felt like him giving up on me.  It felt like being told that I was too much effort, too hard to keep in line, and that he'd rather just let me fall on my ass instead of continuing to catch me.  And I crumbled into 4 million little pieces and broke down into hysterical sobs.  It was the kind of weird hysteria that can't be soothed.  I was inconsolable.

He seemed satisfied with this reaction.  After talking through this and explaining that ending this dynamic was just not something I was capable of, he explained to me what the purpose of that remark had been.  I told him I couldn't undo what he had done to my mind, I have no other way of relating to him, no other way of FUNCTIONING anymore.  He's made me this way... had I not made progress?  Had we not put in all this work together, building something?  And one day's episode could tear it down?  I told him:

"I like to think.... I like to think that we can't go back from this.  I like to think that getting out of this isn't an option for me."

"It probably isn't," he said.  "I just wanted to see if you felt that way too."

What a mind fuck.  Frankly, I thought it was a cruel thing to do.  I still do.  But he can do that.  I don't think he understands how painful that was for me.  Yet, in the end, he was still there to catch me.. he just let me fall a little further than usual this time, for his own reasons.  I hope the experience was beneficial for us.  I hope that now he understands how ingrained he is, how ingrained his methods are, in my head and in my heart.  I hope I've shown him and given him reason to believe me.

Even after so many years.... I still fuck up.  I'm always going to fuck up.

*~zelda...

Day 10 of 30...

Day 10: What are your hard limits?

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First of all, YAY.  I'm one third of the way through.  Only 10 days in and this venture is actually quite exhausting.  Still, I'm determined to finish.  That aside, this post is going to be tricky for me and I will have to write it in fragments throughout the day (this is what happens when "busy day" meets "difficult prompt") so forgive me if the thinking is somewhat disjointed... as in, more so than usual. :P

In general, I don't really have limits.  I'll do anything Master wants me to do.  The both of us do have one hard limit though, and this was something we had agreed upon before we even fell into the universe of BDSM and M/s.  Monogamy.  No sharing.  Ever.  In any way, shape, or form.  Master is not interested in sharing and neither am I.  It simply wouldn't work for us.  This is the only thing that comes to mind when I think of a "hard limit" in the traditional sense.

But, in the same sense, we also have some other "hard limits" that most M/s and O/p couples have.  No de-limbing, for example.  Master likes me with all my limbs.  It pleases him that I have all my limbs.  I don't doubt that he would still love me if I lost one or more somehow, but why take them away if he likes them where they are?  Here-in exists the debate that pops up on fetlife every 8 seconds.

Are you still a "no limits" slave if your limits are your Master's limits?  People will frequently assert that the idea is to select a partner (read: D-type) with values that align nicely with theirs.  For instance, if slave A doesn't like the idea of losing her limbs then she should be careful to select a Master/Owner who ALSO doesn't like the idea of his slave losing limbs.  In this way, slave A avoids being subjected to situations she is uncomfortable with or opposed to on the basis that her Master is uncomfortable with/opposed to the same things.

But does that STILL mean you have no limits?  Really, slave A has limits, she's just put herself in a situation where those limits will never be pressed.  So she's free to say "I have no limits, I'll do whatEVER Master wants" knowing that she's being kept safely inside of Master A's box, well inside the realms of her limits.  Other people may claim they'd do whatever their Master told them, even if he one day woke up with a fetish for removing limbs or snuff.  I'm not sure I believe these people.

Personally, there are certain things that I know Master wouldn't ask me to do, but if he woke up a different person and suddenly wanted them, I'd still say no.  I don't have kids, but if I ever did have them injuring them or otherwise harming them would be out of the question 100%.  I wouldn't remove my own limbs.  You get the idea.  Maybe that means I'm not "twue" enough for some people.  Maybe I'm not hardcore enough for others. But, I please my Master and he calls me his slave so that is what I am.  Period.  He wouldn't like me very much if I were the kind of girl who would remove my limbs if he asked me to for no good reason.

So those are my some of my proverbial "hard limits", but as far as anything realistic between the two of us goes?  I'll do whatever he wants.  I'm not sure where I sit in terms of the limits argument.  Is it possible  to really have no limits?  I don't really know. :P Something to think about, I suppose.

*~zelda...

Day 9 of 30...

Day 9: Post a kink related song or music video you enjoy.

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Like my choice of image, this song is subtle in its kinky content.  Some people might not even notice it, and that's fine.  I enjoy this song because I feel it could go either way, as either a song from myself to Master or from Master to myself.  The music video is not at all relevant to the song content, but I'll post a youtube link so that you can hear it.  Here you are.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=R8OOWcsFj0U&ob=av2e

Undisclosed Desires - Muse

I know you've suffered
But I don't want you to hide
It's cold and loveless
I won't let you be denied

Soothe me
I'll make you feel pure
Trust me
You can be sure

I want to reconcile the violence in your heart
I want to recognize your beauty is not just a mask
I want to exorcise the demons from your past
I want to satisfy the undisclosed desires in your heart

You trick your lovers that you're wicked and divine
You may be a sinner
But your innocence is mine

Please me
Show me how it's done
Tease me
You are the one

I want to reconcile the violence in your heart
I want to recognize your beauty is not just a mask
I want to exorcise the demons from your past
I want to satisfy the undisclosed desires in your heart

Please me
Show me how it's done
Trust me
You are the one

I want to reconcile the violence in your heart
I want to recognize your beauty is not just a mask
I want to exorcise the demons from your past
I want to satisfy the undisclosed desires in your heart

*~zelda...

Day 8 of 30...

Day 8: Post a kinky image you find erotic.

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First, let me say that I am just not... a visual person.  It is very rare for an image alone to get me excited, which is why my choice of image may have most of you going "stfu, zelda!  That's not erotic!" and that's okay.  Second, although there are lots of nice pictures on places like fetlife, I don't want to take other people's pictures even if I DO give them credit.  I would simply feel strange about it.  Anyway, here is my chosen image.

Ha!  You wanted visible nude people, or cocks, or pins and needles, or ropes, didn't you? xD  Too bad, I suppose.  I'm not sure what the proper "title" for this piece is, nor am I sure where I found it.  It was just.. on my hard drive, from ages ago.  (If this is your picture, and you don't want me using it, just let me know.  I'm not profiting from this or taking any credit for it).

When I first saw this photograph, it took me a moment to realize that there was anything "unusual" about the image.  Whether that's a product of the chain's subtlety or my acceptance of the chain as ordinary (or both), I'm not sure.  But beyond the chain, I just love the stance this pair has - the posture is beautiful.  It reminds me of how Master can tower over me, when he so chooses.  Our proportions are similar to that of this model pair, the top of my head fits neatly under Master's chin when we embrace (I measure just under 5'6'', and he's somewhere around 6'1'' or 6'2'').

But it's more than just their relative proportions.  You can see his fist clenched around the chain, pressed tightly into his stomach.  He's drawing her in and holding her close, but it doesn't seem necessary.  She's there, quite willingly before him (or so it seems), gazing upward into his face longingly.  Longing to serve?  To touch?  To please?  The way his neck arcs forward, I can only imagine the looks he's giving her.  In my mind's eye, it strikes me as intense.  It's the kind of stare that bores into your soul and makes your heart feel naked and unclothed.  He doesn't need the chain to pull her in, his eyes have done that already as shows by the way the chain dangles loosely between them.  Despite her apparent bondage, I believe she is there willingly.

To me, submission is the deepest of loves... so is Ownership.

That's what I would call this picture, if it were mine: "Deepest Love".  Despite its lack of innate erotic energy, I think of this picture as erotically charged, if not electric.  And if it isn't erotic, I certainly think it's beautiful.

I think our relationship is beautiful, too, Master.

*~zelda...

Day 7 of 30...

Day 7: What's your favorite toy?

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First - do I need to say this post (and like 98% of this blog) are NSFW?  Well, if I do need to, there it is.  Anyway.

Well this post will probably be short, sweet and much more cheerful than my previous post (which really turned into kind of a downer, probably due to the weird mood I was/am in).  But man, what kind of toy are you asking about?!  Favorite bondage toy, sex toy, electronic gadget? xD  Ask Master - my all time favorite toy is his cock.. but that probably isn't what this prompt is about, is it? :P Har har.

I don't think I have a "favorite" as far as bondage goes.  I don't think of those.. things as mine.  Really, they're Master's toys since he's the one who uses them and plays with them.  I'm just along for the ride, which may or may not make me another toy of his.  It's up for debate.  Anyway, I am a big fan of sex toys so I'll try and describe/show you some of my favorite ones that I have and maybe a couple that I wish I had.

I have a rabbit that I like very much.  It's nice because it stimulates multiple areas and I don't have to do much aside from holding it there.  Something like this, I believe this is the one I own: here!  It's loud, but it pleases me plenty.  I don't live with anyone but Master so noise isn't really a concern for me.  Also, why the fuck does this light up?  Not sure what that's for, but it makes me laugh.  Don't worry - lights are optional. xD

I also own a lovely glass dildo that Master bought me ages ago.  It was actually my first real sex toy (you know, not my fingers or the end of a hairbrush? :P), so it has a bit of a special place in my cabinet. lol  I don't know if this is the exact item, but it looks just like this one.  It's listed as an anal probe, but I've only ever used this one vaginally.  I have loved it many time. xD  If you haven't tried glass, you should.  There is a lot you can do with a good glass tool, plus they feel amazing and they look beautiful.

Now we're going to get into a couple of items I wish I had.  First, a lelo product that I've been dying for. Here she is.  A bit like a rabbit.  I have heard amazing things about Ina and I desperately want to try her. She's expensive, though.  But you can't stop me from dreaming. :P  If anyone has used this (or ANY lelo product, for that matter) please let me know what you thought of it!

The next one is a bit unusual.  It was advertised as the first ever "couple's vibrator", and it's now in its second edition.  The We-Vibe II.  Forgive the website, they're all hyped up about the new color options they just came out with lol.  But the idea is that you actually "wear" this while having vaginal intercourse.  I've heard different things from different people, but this is another toy I've been desperately wanting to try ever since I heard about it.  Again, if you have tried or used this product, let me know what you thought of it!

Hmm, returning to things I already own, I have a set of benwa balls that I like.  They're amazing for teasing.  Just enough to get me some sensation, but not enough for me to cum with their stimulation alone.  Which reminds me that lelo makes a type of benwa ball set called Luna Beads - yet another thing I've been pondering buying. :P

So, those are a few of my favorite things and a few toys I wish I owned.  If I ever obtain any of the items on my "wish list", I'll be sure to post up some reviews for anyone who is curious.  If you own any of them, tell me about it.  If anyone wants me to, I can ask Master what his favorite bondage toys are... but that might prompt a session where he uses them ALL on me to decide which one he likes best. >_> So think carefully before asking me this.

*~zelda...

Day 6 of 30...

Day 6: Describe your weirdest/most interesting sexual fantasy.

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First, let me apologize to you, dear readers who might be here.  I am not... into this post today.  I am still sick, and there were a lot of problems today that I'm too tired to talk about.  Maybe in a later post when I feel less shitty about it.  I'll try to answer this questions for now, though I apologize for the lack of erotic enthusiasm.

I don't think it's "weird" or "interesting", but my most prominent fantasies are all about rape.  I tend to feel guilty over this, because I know rape victims who have experienced some of the things that I "fantasize" about and it has ruined their lives.  That's why, if I stop and think about my motivations for too long, I get overwhelmed by guilt.  Why should I have these fantasies about something that, should it ever really come to pass, would break me?  It's strange.  But!  In my fantasies, it is always Master.  He might be pretending to be a stranger or someone other than himself.. but it's still him.

Perhaps that speaks to something.  Is the rape representative of some sort of.. urge to be over-taken by him?  Maybe.  It's not like it doesn't happen on a regular basis.  He takes over every part of my life in ways he doesn't comprehend.  Sometimes it frustrates me because he doesn't realized the extent of the damage he can cause with a simple action or statement.  In a way, it's a bit like emotional rape.  I can't hide things.  I have no safety.  I am exposed to whatever he wants to expose me to - whether it be despair or euphoria.  There isn't a way to avoid it.

So perhaps that's the origin of the desire for sexual rape.  It's a physical manifestation of what I already signed up for, what I already can't avoid.  It may not be my most mysterious/weird/wtf fantasy, but it is one I think about a lot.  I want to be over powered and forced.  I want to be an object and a play-thing.  I want to be a nothing... sometimes he does make me feel like nothing, even without meaning to.  That's (what I think) the hard part about slavery is.  The scary part?  He doesn't even know he's doing it.

*~zelda...

Day 5 of 30...

Day 5: What was your first kinky sexual experience?  If you haven't had one yet, talk about what you hope to have happen.

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My first "kinky" experience?  Man, I don't even remember.  Define kinky?  Using sex toys?  Spanking?  Bondage?  There was a slow build-up.. I'm not sure I really remember "the first time".

This is going to sound sketchier than it is, but Master and I were traveling and were staying in a hotel.  We had a bag full of toys, condoms, lubes, etc. - all for our private enjoyment.  But it wasn't the toys or even the sex that I remember.. it was being laid over his lap in the bed and spanked.  It wasn't hard, he didn't even really leave marks.. but I remember that it was the first time I was actually spanked, beyond little ass-slaps here and there.

We had talked about kinky sex before at this point, though it was before the "official" beginning of M/s - waaaaaaaaaay back in the day.  We lacked the equipment, though.  No rope, handcuffs, whips, chains.. nothing like that.  What we DID have was pink bondage tape (this link auto-shows black, but if you're REALLY interested, you can change the color using the drop-down menu on the page. :P It's neat stuff if you haven't tried it. Sticks only to itself!) and Master's hands.  I was taped in various ways... my wrists tied together, legs spread out and stuck to the bed posts, at one point he even made a little tube-top covering my breasts with the tape.. and being a 34G, that was no small feat!  Anyway, being restrained alone was very erotic to me.

But the spanking!  Being struck by him.. even though it wasn't rough enough to leave marks or have me throbbing for hours afterward..... I was wet.  I was so aroused by it.  Bent over his lap, totally helpless.. and just taking whatever came.  I didn't know how far he would push it, that was probably part of what made it so attractive.  Ironically, I don't remember much else about what we did that night on our trip.  I don't know if Master even remembers this at all.  Maybe he will if I remind him.  We did just buy some red bondage tape the other day that we haven't used yet.... maybe he'll remember if I jog his memory a bit. ;)

*~zelda...

Day 4 of 30...

Day 4: Any early experiences that, in retrospect, hint at your kinks?

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This post is going to be short for two reasons. 1 - I am sick.  Very sick.  It is my reward for taking care of Master while he was sick. :P 2 - I don't have a lot to say about this prompt, unfortunately.

I can't think of anything specific that happened.  My father was/is an alcoholic lunatic with extreme control and anger issues.  Maybe that has something to do with it.  I didn't respond to it the way most people do, though.  When I was in counseling, my shrink told me she was amazed that I was so "high functioning".  Maybe I was just lucky, I dunno.  That's the only thing that seems relevant in my past, but it's so fucking cliche.  Girl has daddy issues, girl grows up going RAWR I HATE MEN, I R UNTAMABLE GRRR, girl meets obnoxious man, girl loves obnoxious man, girl becomes slave to obnoxious man.....   Okay maybe it isn't THAT cliche, but it seems like a stereotype in the BDSM world.  (Btw Master, you know I don't think you're obnoxious anymore, right?  Only sometimes! *nods and runs away before the paddles and slappers come out*)  It seems like we're all damaged goods.  I hate being a part of that BDSM stereotype, that we all only like it because somethings is wrong with us.

I know it's not true.  I'm sure there are plenty of people in this lifestyle with no history of abuse.  Sadly, I've yet to meet any. :/ (If you're out there, PLEASE comment and make me feel better lol)  Again, I hate perpetuating that label.. the assumption that anti-kinks use: "Oh, well if it weren't for social conditioning and abuse and other fucked up shit, no one would possible be into that!"  Maybe they're right.  I like to hope not, but maybe there is something to that.  Frankly, I don't really... care.  I don't consider my relationship with Master therapy.  It doesn't fix my issues, only I can fix my issues.  I'm sorry, they can't be fucked out of me or beaten out of me.  I've got to do it myself.  Therefore I don't think of my relationship (or my "kinks) as a product of my upbringing.  It's simply what I am attracted to and I don't think its origins are relevant.

Some people might call that putting my head in the sand, which is fine.  I'm a shrink-in-training, it's not like it's a possibility I'm unaware of.  It just.. isn't something I think about.  And wanna know what?  As I age and grow, and as my "issues" abate... I get MORE kinky.  I get MORE into my relationship to Master, more dedicated because it gets easier to trust and to release.  I lose the fear that my childhood instilled in me.  So suck on that, stereotypes. :P

*~zelda...

Note: This was one of those "tangential" responses I mentioned might happen in my initial "30 days" post.  I might add to this later when I feel less like dying.  If you have comments or questions, feel free to leave them here.

Day 3 of 30...

Day 3: How did you discover you were kinky?

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When I first heard about bondage/BDSM-type activities, they mostly just scarred/offended me.  But that was because of how I was introduced to the concept.  The girl I learned of these activities from was (and still is a good friend).  We were in our early teenage years.  In those days, we were both writers of fiction in a way.  We would use each other to sound out ideas, etc.  She was always writing these bondage stories, where the bottom was a non-consenting victim.  Stolen, trapped, and taken advantage of violently and repeatedly.  There was no romance in these stories, just a sadist and his victims (male or female).  I wasn't a fan of hearing about these ideas.  It mostly just disturbed me.  Occasionally, the sadist WOULD love his victims and that just threw me off even more.  HOW could you do this to someone you love?  That's fucked up, man!

I didn't understand that there was actually a way for the person receiving this treatment to derive enjoyment out of it as well.  They never did in my friend's stories, and that was the only source of information I had at the time.  I later figured out that these stories were her therapy for something that had happened to her, but that's a different story and it's not mine to tell.  I didn't know people could (or would) consent to this type of activity.  Anyway, that's why I thought BDSM was insane when I first heard about it.  I didn't understand masochists.  I didn't understand that I WAS a masochist.  I didn't realize that I was an emotional masochist at the time.  I didn't realize that it wasn't much different from those "crazy people who enjoyed physical pain".  I ESPECIALLY didn't know I was one of those crazy people.

By the time I met Master, I was still wary of BDSM.  I was scared to relinquish control.  I was afraid of pain and the feelings that came with it.  He and I were friends for more than half a year before we started dating, and he had expressed that he would not ever be in a relationship with a woman where he wasn't the one in charge.  I chalked this up to macho-man talk and ignored it.  :P  No one could tame me, so he'd be SOL if he was ever interested in me.  Well, when he DID become interested in me, I wasn't particularly concerned with who was in charge.  I just knew we had feelings for each other and it didn't particularly matter to me who was in charge.  At first, I thought "Alright, I'll let him play boss.. it doesn't matter to me if he thinks he's in charge.  I like running the show behind the scenes anyway".  Oh.  How wrong THAT was.

Our eventual evolution into M/s was complicated.  Or at least, it's complicated to me because I didn't even sense that it was happening.  Master eased me into his kinks.  I was willing to try.  Then I realized... I liked it.  Sometimes I felt like I liked it more than even he did. xD  He opened me.  Sexually, emotionally, spiritually.  I had been closed off to the world (remember what I said earlier about being an emotional masochist?) for so long.. shut tight, locked up.  But he opened me no problem.  He did it without my knowledge.  Stealthy bastard!  But I thank him for it... I'm happier because of it, better off because of it.

Whenever I tell this story there are always missing pieces.  But.. there you have it.  I knew I was kinky when Master told me I was.  And hey.. he was right.

*~zelda...

Day 2 of 30...

Day 2: List your kinks.

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List my kinks?  Blah, there's a lot of them... some of them embarrass me, but I guess I shouldn't be too embarrassed.  :P It's only the internet, after all. lol  I COULD just copy/pasta (yes, PASTA) my Fetlife fetish list at you, but I'll try not to.  It does say list, not "zelda, make everyone bored with the details of everything you find attractive".  This list is not all-inclusive.  This is just what I can think of right now.

Things I enjoy:

• Rape play
• Biting
• Pain, many types (I like some types more than others.. I'm not a fan of stinging pain. Too bad Master is a fan of inflicting it. :P)
• Bondage (Duh.. I'm guessing you know I like to be restrained, but it isn't necessary. I actually prefer being held down "mentally", but physical bonds are sexy)
• Objectification
• Orgasm denial
• Whipping, belting, paddling... pain, remember? :P
•  Pet play 
• Humiliation
• Role play (ALLLL types of scenarios.. we don't do it very often, but it's fun when we do)
• Wax play
• Anal sex (sometimes... sometimes.. lol)
• Cock worship
• Uh.. serving my Master? >>
• Fetish wear.. though neither of us can really afford any.  But Master is sexy in leather, and maybe I am too.
• Having my hair yanked
• Master whispering in my ear while he fucks me.. or beats me.... or just in general
• Choking/having my throat grabbed
• Breast/pussy torture
• Spanking
• Tit fucking
• Being used for Master's pleasure without being allowed to cum
• Being taken beyond my "limits" by Master (as in, when I beg him to stop and he keeps going) 

Blah.. I'm going to stop here, mostly because I am sick and very tired.  So, there is a tiny snapshot of some of the things I like.  Questions?  Something you think I left out?  Feel free to comment.  There are other things not listed here, still more things I'm curious about but haven't gotten to try... Maybe someday we'll do a post on that.

*~zelda...

Day 1 of 30...

Day 1: Dom, sub, switch? What parts of BDSM interest you?  Give us an interesting, in-depth definition of what that means to you.  Basically, define your kinky self for us.

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I'm pretty sure if you're here, you know I identify as a slave.  I sort of touched on why/how in my previous post.. or rather, on touched on how I don't know why or how. xD Either way...

I didn't always identify as a slave.  I thought I was "just a sub".  I put that in quotations because I don't want to be told I'm implying that being a slave is somehow "better" than a submissive.  Frankly, I don't really care what other people choose to do for themselves.  They can do whatever they please.  I'm talking about me here.  In any event, I didn't think I was a slave.  I (mistakenly) thought I still maintained some autonomy.. I (mistakenly) thought that surely he didn't own me.  He was my Master, but I wasn't a slave.... naw.  That'd be crazy.  I mean, me?  A slave?  *laughs nervously* >_>;;

Master is an interesting fellow.  He had gotten me to submit to him without me even really realizing it.  I had agreed, of course.  But I hadn't acknowledged my own "progress".  I just wasn't aware of it.  It still amazes me how he could have me so far under his control without me even realizing it.  I fought it, I struggled... which is probably why I didn't think I had become any more submissive.  Yet, I was being lead further and further down the rabbit hole without even realizing what was going on.  By the time I figured it out, it was too late.  There isn't a way back up now.  Sometimes (again, mentioned in previous post "When I Say Us..") the reality frightens me.  I do find it reassuring though, for the most part.

I love being Master's slave.  I don't think I could do this with anyone else.  On a fetlife thread, a question was posed asking if we would seek out "this type of relationship" (whatever it is you may be doing, though it was in the O/p group) again, if it somehow ended with our present partner.  I can't stand to think about it, but I know I wouldn't go looking again.  I could never submit to anyone but Master.  I won't and simply can't.  Maybe to some that makes me less of a slave.  Again - I am not a "natural born" submissive.  I do need this.  I need to submit to him, even when it's hard for me.  But I can't get it from anyone else but him.  Therefore, I kneel only before him (yay cliches).

I think he likes it that way.  There is something satisfying for him, knowing that I walk around taking shit from no one all day, yet I'm home waiting for him each day eager to serve and to please him.  I dunno, I can't really define my slavery or my "kinky self".  I'm not sure anyone really can.  It's very much a part of who I am.  I know it satisfies me, I know I need/crave it, and I know (above all else) it pleases Master.  I'd do anything to please him.. that's really my main goal in all of this.  I just want him to be happy.  He deserves it.

*~zelda...

30 days...?

Hullooooo! :P  So, I'm starting with a question.  I'm thinking of slugging through this (not my creation, obviously):


Day 1: Dom, sub, switch? What parts of BDSM interest you? Give us an interesting in-depth definition of what that means to you. Basically define your kinky self for us.
Day 2: List your kinks.

Day 3: How did you discover you were kinky?

Day 4: Any early experiences that, in retrospect, hint at your kinks?
Day 5: What was your first kinky sexual experience? If you haven’t had one yet, talk about what you hope to have happen.

Day 6: Describe your weirdest/most interesting sexual fantasy.

Day 7: What’s your favorite toy?

Day 8: Post a kinky image you find erotic.

Day 9: Post a kink related song or music video you enjoy.
Day 10: What are your hard limits?
Day 11: What are your views on the ethics of kink?
Day 12: Tell us about a humorous BDSM/kink experience you’ve had. If you haven’t had one, talk about aspects of kink/BDSM you find funny.

Day 13: Explain as best you can what the appeal of kink/BDSM is to you? Why are you drawn to what you’re drawn to?

Day 14: How would you say real life BDSM/kink varies from fantasy BDSM/kink? If you haven’t experienced real life BDSM/kink how do you think it might differ?

Day 15: Post a BDSM/kink activity you’re curious about and would like to try.

Day 16: What are the most difficult aspects of having a sexuality that involves kink or BDSM for you personally?

Day 17: What misconception about kinky people would you most like to clear up?

Day 18: Any kinky/BDSM pet peeves? If so, what are they?
Day 19: Any unexpected ways kink has improved your life? If so, what are they?
Day 20: Talk about something within kink/bdsm that you’re curious about/don’t understand.

Day 21: Favorite BDSM related book (fiction or non-fiction)

Day 22: What do you think is important in keeping a BDSM relationship healthy? How does it differ from a vanilla relationship?

Day 23: Since you first developed an interest in kink, have your interests/perspectives changed? How so?
Day 24: What qualities do you look for in a partner?
Day 25: How open are you about your kinks?

Day 26: What’s your opinion on online BDSM play?
Day 27: Do your non-kink interests ever find their way into your kinky activities? If so, how?
Day 28: How do you dress for kink/BDSM play? What significance does your attire have to you?
Day 29: Do you have a BDSM title (e.g. mistress, master, slut, pig, whore, princess, goddess, ma’am, sir)? What is your opinion of the use of titles in general?

Day 30: Whatever BDSM/kink related thing you want to write about.


What do we think?  I'm not sure I'd be able to fully answer all of these questions, and I might have alterations based on what Master wants to hear about.  The responses will likely be at least "on topic" though.  I don't typically... do this sort of theme-y.. crap, but whatever.  It might be a useful exercise, I suppose.  I'd still be including "normal" posts, of course - if there is something else I'd like to write about.  So, maybe I'll give it a try but we'll have to see what Master wants out of me first. :P  Are there any questions any of YOU want answered?  Comment and/or email me, I'll see what I can do. ;)


*~zelda...


P.S. - I cannot for the life of me figure out why my font looks a bit different in this post... I did copy/paste the 30 Days list, so perhaps that was the cause but I can't figure out the remedy.  Oh well. :P

Late 'Love Our Lurkers' Day.

So, I'm a day late to the LOL celebration.  I don't think I have any lurkers.  But if I do, I'd be very happy to meet you. :3 Leave a comment if you wouldn't mind.  Again, I'd enjoy being introduced to you if you're out there.  And thanks to anyone who reads this (lurker or no).. I appreciate it.

*~zelda...

When I Say "Us", I Mean "Him"...

Well, not only am I late, but I'm lacking in material I'm afraid.  Master and I had our anniversary this past Sunday (October 17), which was very nice for the both of us.  Strangely, I was made to try wax play for the first time.  I know that seems like a weird thing to have not done for so many years (especially given all our other strangeness), but things happen when they happen I suppose.  I did enjoy it, though it took some getting used to.  It's a different sensation than the usual type of play Master and I do... it didn't hurt quite so badly as some other things, but it hurt differently and burning/hot shit scares me.  My skin burns easily, I've had bad experiences with being burned... so the idea always scared me.  But he wanted to, so I let him.  He even tried it on himself first, which I thought was really endearing.  He didn't have to, of course.. but I did appreciate it, even knowing that his skin is tougher than mine is.  I liked it.  I want to do it again... I always love when he makes me try new things, even if I'm opposed to the idea at onset.  Sometimes you really don't know what you like until you give it a shot.

Ah, now onto other things I suppose.  Sorry for the lack of a long, slow, sensual description of our exploits but... after all, anniversaries are private affairs, ne? :P Anyway, the post I keep wanting to put up (but procrastinating) is sort of a ramble about... well, why did I agree to being a slave?  Why/how did I choose this?  It's a complicated rant (which is why I keep putting it off), so maybe I'll just go for an abridged version for now...

I wasn't born a submissive.  The idea of submission used to make my stomach turn and sometimes, it still does.  I am a dominant person.  I take shit from no one, I lead, I'm assertive, and if you get in my way - so help you.  Some people claim to be "natural submissives" or slaves or whatever.... not me.  I was not born to serve.  I am a very compassionate person, and I like to see people happy... but I'm just not a person with natural submissive tendencies.

Master thinks I am.  Maybe I am.  It's confusing, because I don't think he implanted this into me.  It does seem that he's uncovered something that was already there, but it was far below the surface.  Sometimes it still is.  I still have days where I'll think "Fuck this.  Fuck you.  I'm not doing this, I don't have to." and I fight it, and I fight him.... and he's still there and somehow I'm still listening to him, if not without difficulty.  Those days are much fewer and farther between than they used to be, but they still happened. It was hard for me to get where I am today, and I don't even think I've made much progress.  He thinks I have, I suppose that's all that matters.  But he doesn't know how fucking hard it was for me.  How much I had to work, claw, scratch, sweat, bleed......... It goes so far against my natural grain. So why do I want it?

I have no God damned idea.  I know it makes me happier than anything else does.  It makes him happy too, which can only make me happier.  I have no idea why though.  I used to fight with it.  A lot.  I felt that it went against everything I am, everything I stand for.  I felt like I was losing myself in him.  Sometimes I think I did lose myself in him... I used to be so independent, now I feel co-dependent and pathetic on the occasion.  He's enveloped all my other desires.  I feel like everything else I do throughout the day when he is at work is just a way to occupy myself until I'm back with him again.  Sometimes, I really do get scared that I'm... not here anymore.  It's not me, it's us.  By us, I mostly mean him.  Anyone who has experienced this... feeling of being subsumed by their Master and tells you it didn't (or doesn't occasionally) scare the hell out of them is full of shit.  Or at least, that's my opinion.

It doesn't hurt.  It's quite pleasant.  He's always there, to lift me, support me, love me.. but still.  No one ever said a good thing couldn't be scary.

*~zelda...

On my way...

I’m so close to being able to write here again.  Don’t worry, I haven’t forgotten you! 1-2 more days, my friends!

*~zelda…

Pondering

I have so many posts I want to do, but I'm simply busy as hell.  At the end of this week, things will be better and I can blog merrily until my heart is as content as can be.  By the way, I've been considering getting a Tumblr but I've never had an account there before.  Does anyone have an opinions/recommendations?  It would NOT be a replacement for this blog though, so no worries there. ;)

I'm also considering doing the "30 Days of Kink" project here, but I'm not sure if anyone would actually be interested in reading that junk.  :P  I dunno, I don't have much to say here.  Master and I had a nice little play session last night, though as usual still no marks or welts afterwards.  I NEVER bruise no matter what we do or how hard we try.  I have no idea what I'm doing wrong.  Halp? :/  I never bruise in general, so I know it's not just him or something he's "not doing right".  The only thing I can think of that gave me a bruise within the last 5 years was having an IV jammed into my forearm for about 12 hours while I was having surgery/in the recovery room.  Not even the area where the SURGERY was had bruising... JUST where the needle had been sitting for some hours.  I amaze myself. *sigh*  Any advice?  It's weird, because I'm deathly pale.  Everyone else I know with pale skin (and usually still not as pale as I am) bruises at the drop of the hat.  Me?  You can apparently cut me open and I still won't mark.  Damn.

Again, any tips or techniques that might actually leave a mark on my freakish skin would be appreciated. xD  That's not what this post was meant to be about, but that's what popped out of my brain.  I'll be back to having decent posts next week, I swear.

*~zelda...

October

*sweeps my last post under the rug* Now that THAT is over with.... *sigh*  Sometimes I make myself insane and I can't stand it.  There was a huge blow-up between Master and I about 2 days after I posted that... we were both hysterical, but I blame myself for starting it.  Yet... in a way, that resolved things.  Maybe sometimes what we need is a good screaming match.  Despite the fact that I have some lingering insecurities over the situation (and in how it was handled by the both of us), I'm also sort of... reassured.  Master saw me in a very dark place.  Perhaps not the darkest I've ever been, but much stranger than what he is used to seeing.... and he's still here.  He still loves me.  I don't know how or why, but there it is.  I'm grateful for that.

On the brighter side of things, it's fucking OCTOBER.  Fall weather is finally settling in and I'm loving it.  The cool air, the leaves, that... "smell" that the air takes on when it's perfectly crisp - even in the mid-afternoon.  It's glorious.  The only problem is that since Daylight Savings Time isn't over yet, Master and I wake up in the dark... but that'll be changed soon enough.  I'm normally a winter person, but this weather is so gorgeous and makes me so happy.  I'm excited for more.

I have a lot going on right now.  Next week will be extremely busy, much more so than this one.  I'm trying to get some of next week's work done now so that I won't be as incredibly busy, but I'm a procrastinator at heart so we'll see how that goes, lol.  Our anniversary is looming and I'm still at a loss as far as gifts go.  I think he is too.  We have a lot of bills coming too, which is making things hard.  I'm thinking we might go giftless at this point. :P Or maybe exchanging "IOUs" to be cashed in when we're less strapped for cash, lol.  What I would REALLY love is impossible because we can't afford it... but I'd love to go out to the coast and stay in a hotel or a little cottage by the beach.  Just for one night, maybe too.  Both of us - all alone - together with the ocean and just far enough away from home to leave those issues behind for a little while...... I would really love that.

Eh... maybe someday, right?  Slaves can dream too, don't tell me we can't. :P

*~zelda...

*sigh*

I don't want to make this post.  Really, I just don't.  I don't know if I have time... it's getting to be late in the morning.  Class will rear it's ugly head and soon I'll be swept up into the business of the day.  I like that feeling, on days like this.  If I stay busy, I don't wallow.  I don't hurt so much.  When I'm busy, I don't have to look in mirrors or think about this thing that my head is stuck inside of.  I don't have to think about what happened what happened last night or why I haven't said a word since 10:30 pm of yesterday.  I'll have to speak soon though, the world demands that.

I don't even want to say what has me so upset... you'll all think I'm stupid and irrational.  Frankly, I agree.  I am stupid and irrational.  But I can't get it out of my head.  I can't control how I feel.  I keep seeing it.  I wish my imagination weren't so vivid.  I make myself sick to my stomach.  I always imagine her in a burgundy or red g-string and a little sheer bra... Some sleek, sexy whore straddling him and rubbing all sorts of secret areas of herself onto areas of him that I consider sacred.  It cheapens the very temple I worship.  She has no secrets, though.  She's sold all that away - traded it for a filled bank account and a posh apartment somewhere uptown.  In my mind's eye, she is blonde and slender with an endearing crooked smile masking the corrosive evil beneath her skin.  Skin that is scented and beautiful, unmarred by cellulite or stretch marks.  She is beautiful, but she sickens me.  And nearly ten years later, she's hurting me.  I can see every move she makes on top of him.  But she cares nothing for him.  She only wants her tip, and then it's off to the next lonely man with a wallet crying harder than his heart.  It makes me sick.  It makes me sick to think about it, it makes me sick to write about it.  It happened twice.  It was before he even knew me.

So why does it hurt me so much?  Why do I keep thinking about it, seeing it?  Maybe it's because initially he lied about it... Or maybe, if I'm honest, it's because I know I'll never compare to that cheap little "performer".  PerformerS, I should say (remember, it happened twice).  I've never even touched another man... Master is my One and my Only.  I wouldn't want it any other way.  He assures me he doesn't, but I can't help but think he compares me to them.  Thin, beautiful, perfect enough for men to simply throw money at them for nothing in return.  When I'm on top of him, does he think of them?  Does he fantasize about it?  He says he doesn't... but my mind does what it does.

I wish I didn't hate myself.  I wish I could appreciate my own beauty.  I wish I could see what he says he sees.  But I can't.  I only see what I see.  I won't be able to eat today, I'm simply too sad.  Too sad after being reminded that some part of him must know what he's missing by dedicating himself to me.  Yea, I know - he's the Master, he wouldn't pick you if he didn't value you, on and on.... but that's logic.  I can rationalize that, and I understand and know it to be true.  But does that stop the ache in me?  No.  Not really.  I'm tired of feeling ugly and useless.  I'm tired of picturing these gross images in my head.  I wish he could take it away.

You're probably all reading this thinking about how pathetic and stupid I am for reacting this way.  And for that... I'm sorry.  I'm not normally like this.  I'm a strong person, powerful even (aren't we all?).  I have handled so much shit in my life I deserve a medal.  Maybe it's time to go back to the shrink... I've been doing so well the part 6-9 months, I thought therapy was unnecessary (ironically, I started seeing her to help me with my self-esteem issues in the first place).  Apparently not.  I'm still an idiot, nothing has changed about that.  I hurt my own feelings writing this post... but maybe I needed that.  I wish I could love myself...

I feel like I don't have anything else to say, but I don't want to stop writing.  When I'm done writing, I'll be by myself again.  Stuck here, with my sick imagination and the ache in my gut to keep me company.  I hope that today can get better.  I hope that maybe one day I'll stop being like this.  I don't want to go home tonight... I don't want to face his concerned gaze, his gentle stroking of my hair as he thinks "Poor stupid girl, twisting herself up inside".

This song makes me cry.

Grey Street - Dave Matthews Band.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Jow7c0EVXeM

Oh look at how she listens
She says nothing of what she thinks
She just goes stumbling through her memories
Staring out on to Grey Street

She thinks, “Hey,
How did I come to this?
I dream myself a thousand times around the world,
But I can’t get out of this place”

There’s an emptiness inside her
And she’d do anything to fill it in
But all the colors mix together - to grey
And it breaks her heart

How she wishes it was different
She prays to God most every night
And though she swears he doesn’t listen
There’s still a hope in her he might

She says, “I pray
But they fall on deaf ears,
Am I supposed to take it on myself?
To get out of this place”

There’s loneliness inside her
And she’d do anything to fill it in
And though it’s red blood bleeding from her now
It feels like cold blue ice in her heart
When all the colors mix together - to grey
And it breaks her heart

There’s a stranger speaks outside her door
Says take what you can from your dreams
Make them as real as anything
It’d take the work out of the courage

But she says, “Please
There’s a crazy man that’s creeping outside my door,
I live on the corner of Grey Street and the end of the world”

There’s an emptiness inside her
And she’d do anything to fill it in
And though it’s red blood bleeding from her now
It’s more like cold blue ice in her heart
She feels like kicking out all the windows
And setting fire to this life
She could change everything about her using colors bold and bright
But all the colors mix together - to grey
And it breaks her heart
It breaks her heart
To grey...

I hope he doesn't read this.

*~zelda...

Blah...

I haven't got much to say.  I've been sick.  I went to the doctor this morning because I thought I had a UTI, but I appear to have driven it away by drowning myself in water.  That's the big secret - if you think you're starting to get one, start in with the water, the cranberry juice, and cranberry extract supplements.  I think I'm safe for now.  Though I did learn that PURE, unadulterated cranberry juice tastes like a nightmare.  If wine is the blood Christ, then this shit must have come straight from Satan's veins.  I am NOT a fan.  You have been warned. lol

Master and I have both been tired and blah for a few days now.  It's hot and humid and gross outside, which always leaves me feeling less than motivated to do anything.  I'm fighting with food again (aren't we all?), which I don't like.  Somedays I just want to sit down and eat a pizza.  *sigh* Boy, what I would give for a day of calorie-free bingeing!  lol

This isn't a particularly kink-tastic post.  Apologies.  I just wanted to write for a little while, it relaxes me when I feel like there is simply too much to do.  I am exhausted and it is only Tuesday.  This disheartens me slightly.  At least the bulk of my week will be over tomorrow.  For me, M-T-W are the three rough days, then I get Thursday and Friday to relax a little more.  Still, there is a lot going on this week.  And next week.  And the week after that.  And... fuuu-. T_T

One day at a time, right kids?

I want to serve Master, but he's been letting me off easy because I haven't been feeling well.  Although I miss the service, I'm always grateful that he allows me the recovery time.  He even went out and bought me breakfast yesterday morning because he is secretly a giant sweetheart and he loves me.  Our anniversary is coming up (mid-October).  I'm trying to think of what to get him... What do you give to a man who has owned you for 6 years that you haven't given him already?  Suggestions are welcome.

*~zelda...

What I Promised

I promised to deliver a post later today, so here I am.  I swear this post will not be entirely about tea. xD  I apologize for that earlier stint, just spreading the love around!  But anyway...

Master and I had a bit of a bumping of heads last night.  I don't want to go into the details (I know you're all just DYING to hear about my emotional issues, right? *sarcasm*) because the situation has essentially been resolved and I don't want to start picking the scabs too heavily.  So no gossip today and no dirty laundry.  Sorry.  Maybe you'll get some of that some other day.

The thing about last night's issue is that... it's just a reminder of how small he can make me feel.  Sometimes I don't think he knows what he's capable of doing to me.  When he disregards me, I feel totally insignificant, like I'm just another shadow in the room cast by the bedside lamp.  When he outright ignores me..?  I may as well not exist.  He's the only thing that is particularly important to me.  When he acts like I'm not there?  I'm not there.  When he acts like I don't matter?  I don't matter.  That's simply the way of it.  I do recognize that it's his prerogative to do those things, in some sense... yet it doesn't make it any less painful.  In particular, when it happens after a cutting remark that I find humiliating...

The humiliation floods over me, and then it's like I'm not there.  He turns his head away and falls asleep.  And at that moment? ...I'm really gone.  Like a tree falling in the forest with no one to hear it, it's as if I simply evaporate in his world.  But what happens when you're the tree?  You still snap in half.  Your branches still break.  All the adornments that you've spent time cultivating cease to matter.  Is it worse when someone cuts the tree down, but leaves before the damn thing can fall?  A senseless fate.  No molding.  No transformations from tree into oak furniture or into a home or even into paper.  Cut down and left to seep into the earth as mulch.  Is that worse when it's both intentional and senseless?

Yesterday, I was that tree.  Alone on the floor of the forest with no one around to hear me fall.

I won't lie.  That was very painful.

*~zelda...

A Post I Don't Have Time For...

I want to make a post about something in particular.  Unfortunately, I have work in 10 minutes and I don't have the time to write.  But I'm making this post to remind myself (to promise myself) that I'll come back and ramble about what's on my mind.

In the mean time, (and no - this is not a paid endorsement! lol) I have something tasty for you all.  Are you a tea person?  So am I!  I very recently, as in 2 days ago, discovered an amazing tea shop in my area.  They have stores in quite a few states AND you can order online which is great if there are no stores near you or if your shop is out of a specific tea that you wanted.  They are... Teavana.  They sell exquisite loose leaf teas of all varieties and I have fallen in LOVE.  Even Master likes it and he is not a "tea man" so to speak.  If you have on near you, I definitely recommend checking it out.  They'll have samples for you and they'll even let you smell/see the tea leaves before you commit to a purchase.

Also, I bought myself this amazing thermos/tea tumbler.. thing.  It's gorgeous.

Harmony Glass Tea Tumbler

You can't see it in the picture, but it has a mesh filter at the top to stop the tea leaves from getting in your mouth.  Or if it is a tea that can't be oversteeped, just put the leaves on TOP of the filter (not in the glass), turn your tumbler upside down for the required steeping time, turn it right side up, and remove the tea leaves.  This keeps my tea nice and hot for about 3 hours and "warm" for even longer, while remaining cool enough to carry around.

Sorry for the advertisement, but I'm sitting here sipping some truly excellent Jasmine Green Tea and enjoying it so much that I wanted to share my discovery.  After all, kinky people need tea too!  The great thing about loose leaf teas is you can make your own blends.  I've blended the Jasmine Green Tea with an herbal Strawberry Lemon-ish tea and have found that the combination is to die for.  I haven't tried icing it yet, but I'm going to.  They're also excellent teas on their own.

Seriously, if you love tea, check these guys out!  I've fallen in love.

*~zelda...

(who promises to be back with a serious post later today)

Sweet Clairvoyance

Remember how yesterday I said that, despite being tired as hell and in no mood to be used, I'd end up either being smacked with something, his cock in my mouth, or his cock somewhere a bit too deep inside...?

Yea.  All three of those things happened.  Who would have guessed? :P

I swear, I've got special powers or something...

*~zelda...

There is a car on fire.. No, seriously you guys.

I'm sitting in the apartment of two good friends of mine.  I'm distracted and exhausted from last night.

..Actually, I've been sitting here for a few minutes trying to think of how to explain last night without TOTALLY giving away my identity to the interwebz.  Essentially, where I live, a car caught fire about 10 feet away from our building.  Randomly.  For no apparent reason.  Master and I go to bed fairly early compared to some.  We're up early, so we sleep early.  We had just finished a lovely section.  I'd received a very nice beating (not too hard, not too soft... JUST enough to send me off to that warm, floaty place after it was over).  Naturally, despite my floaty merriment, Master wanted to fuck me.  He got his way.  He usually does (meanie :P).  He wanted me on my back.  I told him I didn't want to, my ass hurt to much to lay on it... I ended up rolling over and obliging anyway... of course.  The pain stopped bothering me and even though I was tired, the fucking felt REALLY good.  When he came, I think we both wanted to keep going (and for about 30 seconds, he didn't pull out and continued fucking me slowly), but due to various circumstances, we decided against it.. I was tired.  I was pleased.  I felt warm and tingly and happy.  I was exhausted, even after only one orgasm.  I cuddled up to him and prepared to fall asleep for the night, wrapped in my Master-provided bliss and comfort.

Not 10 minutes later, I get a text.

"The building's on fire."

Immediate adrenaline rush.  The merry, warm, floating sensations are gone.  I sat up in bed.  "Literally?" was my reply.  It was sent by a close pal, who happens to live near by.

"A car spontaneously combusted right outside..."

Dude.  Wut.  So, in order to ensure it was not in fact MY car that was on fire (or Master's), we both had to throw on clothes, putter outside in the rain, and observe the flaming car.  Let me tell you, that car was EXCEEDINGLY on fire.  More on fire than most things I've seen that are flaming.  It was pretty bad.  I'm VERY thankful that it didn't spread to any of the buildings.  I'm also very thankful it was either of our cars.  I felt so badly for the kid who owned the car, though...  I would simply be sick to my stomach had it been one of us.  I hope he's doing okay today.

In any event, I was pumped on adrenaline for the rest of the night and didn't get to bed until 1 or 2 in the morning.  Up at 6 to get Master to work.  He was late today, by the way... a product of freakishly bad traffic that popped up after he'd dropped me off at school *sigh*.  I felt very bad about that too.  So, THAT was my night last night and THAT is why I'm so fucking tired today.  I have to attend a seminar in the early evening (about an hour from now) and then that's it for the day.  Well.. that's it until Master comes home. :P  I have no idea what he'll want me to do tonight.

That's part of the fun though, I suppose.  You just never KNOW what they'll want from you... even when you're wiped out and in no mood so suck anyone's cock, get hit with anything, or deal with the repeated ramming of your cervix.

Funny how I always end up with either his dick in my mouth, getting whacked with something or other, being VIOLENTLY fucked in the deepest parts of my nether regions, or all of the above, AND... I still get wet anyway.  My body betrays me and he - unfortunately - knows this very well.  Damn. :P

*~zelda...

Not much to report on...

Before I go off, I just wanted to note that I've added an email address for anyone who reads to contact me (or Master) at.  It's just to your left at the bottom of the "About Me" section.  Feel free to use it to get in touch with one or both of us if there's something you'd like to say, but don't want to comment about.

~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~

As the title implies, there isn't a lot going on out here.  Well, technically there is lots going on, but nothing kinky or exciting.  I have papers due.  I have assloads of reading.  There is work.  Master has shit to do *happily twiddles thumbs on the back burner*.  I shouldn't say that because it will make him feel bad or make him think I feel neglected... but I don't at all.  He's just very busy and tired and stressed and.. well, you know.  He needs a slave willing to fetch him water and cuddle him, not one who is whining and begging for a pain-session.  Which I can do and I do happily.  I love cuddles.  I am a cuddle whore. :P

I've been working pretty hard on keeping my mouth in order and actually?  For once?  I think it's been going well.  I have a hard time not vomiting bitch and attitude all over the place.  It's in my nature.  It's part of what attracted him to me.  But hey, no one wants that all the time.  I'd say my efforts are paying off.  I wish I could be this happy being this complacent all the time.  Inevitably, I'll experience a slip.  I start to get all self-obsessed and go "Nuuuuu, I'm LOSING MYSELF.  I need to be LOUD-MOUTHED and PISSED and BITCHY all the damn time or else I AM NOT ME.  Woe is my lack of autonomy!" and then I act out for anywhere from a day to... well, a while.  Sometimes it's one giant freak out, other times I'll have mini hiccups over a long period of time.  I don't know why it happens.  Maybe I'm not a "true slave" because *le gasp* I have internal turmoil over my subjugation.  Maybe it's because it goes against my very nature (Master, I think, may disagree and think it does not go against my natural grain.  I believe very strongly that it does).

But, I need it.  I crave it.  I'm miserable without it.  And, as inevitable as the freak outs are, so is the realization that I require this and then I settle down into my "happy space".  Sometimes even happy space is scary.  That little twitch of doubt that creeps up my spine sometimes... knowing that my life is in someone else's hands can be, if we're all honest, terrifying.  But isn't it also all the more reassuring?  Knowing that when you stumble, he'll help you catch your balance.  If you fall, he'll help you to your feet.  If you break, he'll help you pick up the pieces.... because he's always there.  Because you're his.

I'm his...

I'm so lucky.  And I'm even more thankful.

Thank you, Master.

*~zelda...

A Muddle (or Am I?)

Two things for today.  The first one is something Master wanted me to talk about for whatever reason and the second one is just me mumbling.

So the first one.  I found a very interesting "club" in the city where we live.  Technically it is a swingers club, but you don't have to be swingers to go (which is good seeing as we aren't swingers in the least).  What attracted me to this club is the fact that they have private play space.  I have heard of lots of places with big, public dungeons, but they're always designed for lots of people to use at the same time which is intimidating to me.  But with private play space?  Imagine the fun and frolicking that could happen.  Though I suppose I should mention that there wouldn't actually BE an frolicking and that Master would be having all the fun while I get beaten with whatever his instrument of choice would be... but that's fun for some of us I guess. :P

But, here is the interesting part.  Some of the "private" areas (complete with locking doors, might I add) have one wall that is a window.  That's right.  Open glass where total strangers can pass on by and see whatever it is that you're doing.  Should you change your mind midway through (or perhaps you only want part of your encounter to be on display), one can simply draw a curtain over the window and enter into totally private space again.

Now, to a good many of you I'd imagine that this is no big deal.  But I've been cloistered inside Master's house. :P And while we're both a bit "shy" in the sense that we generally prefer not to be gawked at and prefer not to share, Master likes the idea of "showing me off".  Why do I like this idea though?  I'm frightfully shy about sex in public, I don't have great body image, and I couldn't stand the idea of someone laughing at me.... but it's the humiliation.  If he tells me to stand or lay still and take whatever he gives me regardless of who is watching or what they're doing...? I'd do it.  I might cry, I might be so nervous that I'd be jittery or nauseous... but I would do it.  I think it would be an interesting experience for us both to finally get to "play" in front of others.  I'd be scared (and it doesn't help that he has told me that people watching will "make it easier" to go all out and hurt me more), but I would do my damn best.

Now for my little piece of the pie.

So today, I started my period.  Yes, I know everyone is here waiting for minute-by-minute live updates on what my uterus is doing but I feel that this is relevant (possibly) to the following ramble.  I won't bog down this post with the details, but this morning I seemed to have it in my head that Master was mostly interested in me for sex and not much else.  I am aware this is ridiculous.  Most people aren't in committed, 6-years-long relationships just because the other person is THAT good at fucking.  Well, maybe.  But not likely.  At any rate, the point is, I was sort of stuck there.  Frankly it's FINE that he wants sex all the damn time.  I take it as a compliment.  He's interested in me, he seeks me out to fulfill his needs and desires because he knows I can and I will.

The disturbance comes in when I start to fear that (if this really WAS his main focus) one day, I won't be enough.  I'll get older, I'll get fatter, I'll get sick... any number of things that.. you know, happen to human beings over time?  I'm always afraid I won't be good enough.  I have no right to feel this way.  He doesn't do anything to make me think/feel that this is or ever would be true.  I don't have the right to decide whether or not I'm "pleasing" enough for him.  It's not my job, it's his.  Honestly, after this long, it seems fairly bratty/stupid for me to sit around be like "NO Master.  I'm not good enough.  I'm ugly and too fat and I look terrible and I don't give you enough sex and I'm a shitty slave who makes mistakes sometimes".  It really just... undermines A - his taste/preferences B - the effort/time he has put into me and our relationship C - probably other crap that I'm being too hasty to even consider (bad me).

So in essence, sometimes being hormonal makes me think weird things.  Sometimes I don't even have the excuse of being hormonal, I just get stuck on self-blame or self-deprecation.  I shouldn't do that.  I've been working on it for years, but it stays tough.  Maybe that's just how it's going to be - it doesn't mean I won't stop trying.  I just want to please him... and yet sometimes I can't even accept that he is pleased.  I need to learn to just take what he says and accept it.  We'd probably both be happier that way.

But hey.. I never claimed to be good at this.  I'm no natural.  I just promise to try and give it my all.

*~zelda..