Sunday, September 12, 2010

A Muddle (or Am I?)

Two things for today.  The first one is something Master wanted me to talk about for whatever reason and the second one is just me mumbling.

So the first one.  I found a very interesting "club" in the city where we live.  Technically it is a swingers club, but you don't have to be swingers to go (which is good seeing as we aren't swingers in the least).  What attracted me to this club is the fact that they have private play space.  I have heard of lots of places with big, public dungeons, but they're always designed for lots of people to use at the same time which is intimidating to me.  But with private play space?  Imagine the fun and frolicking that could happen.  Though I suppose I should mention that there wouldn't actually BE an frolicking and that Master would be having all the fun while I get beaten with whatever his instrument of choice would be... but that's fun for some of us I guess. :P

But, here is the interesting part.  Some of the "private" areas (complete with locking doors, might I add) have one wall that is a window.  That's right.  Open glass where total strangers can pass on by and see whatever it is that you're doing.  Should you change your mind midway through (or perhaps you only want part of your encounter to be on display), one can simply draw a curtain over the window and enter into totally private space again.

Now, to a good many of you I'd imagine that this is no big deal.  But I've been cloistered inside Master's house. :P And while we're both a bit "shy" in the sense that we generally prefer not to be gawked at and prefer not to share, Master likes the idea of "showing me off".  Why do I like this idea though?  I'm frightfully shy about sex in public, I don't have great body image, and I couldn't stand the idea of someone laughing at me.... but it's the humiliation.  If he tells me to stand or lay still and take whatever he gives me regardless of who is watching or what they're doing...? I'd do it.  I might cry, I might be so nervous that I'd be jittery or nauseous... but I would do it.  I think it would be an interesting experience for us both to finally get to "play" in front of others.  I'd be scared (and it doesn't help that he has told me that people watching will "make it easier" to go all out and hurt me more), but I would do my damn best.

Now for my little piece of the pie.

So today, I started my period.  Yes, I know everyone is here waiting for minute-by-minute live updates on what my uterus is doing but I feel that this is relevant (possibly) to the following ramble.  I won't bog down this post with the details, but this morning I seemed to have it in my head that Master was mostly interested in me for sex and not much else.  I am aware this is ridiculous.  Most people aren't in committed, 6-years-long relationships just because the other person is THAT good at fucking.  Well, maybe.  But not likely.  At any rate, the point is, I was sort of stuck there.  Frankly it's FINE that he wants sex all the damn time.  I take it as a compliment.  He's interested in me, he seeks me out to fulfill his needs and desires because he knows I can and I will.

The disturbance comes in when I start to fear that (if this really WAS his main focus) one day, I won't be enough.  I'll get older, I'll get fatter, I'll get sick... any number of things that.. you know, happen to human beings over time?  I'm always afraid I won't be good enough.  I have no right to feel this way.  He doesn't do anything to make me think/feel that this is or ever would be true.  I don't have the right to decide whether or not I'm "pleasing" enough for him.  It's not my job, it's his.  Honestly, after this long, it seems fairly bratty/stupid for me to sit around be like "NO Master.  I'm not good enough.  I'm ugly and too fat and I look terrible and I don't give you enough sex and I'm a shitty slave who makes mistakes sometimes".  It really just... undermines A - his taste/preferences B - the effort/time he has put into me and our relationship C - probably other crap that I'm being too hasty to even consider (bad me).

So in essence, sometimes being hormonal makes me think weird things.  Sometimes I don't even have the excuse of being hormonal, I just get stuck on self-blame or self-deprecation.  I shouldn't do that.  I've been working on it for years, but it stays tough.  Maybe that's just how it's going to be - it doesn't mean I won't stop trying.  I just want to please him... and yet sometimes I can't even accept that he is pleased.  I need to learn to just take what he says and accept it.  We'd probably both be happier that way.

But hey.. I never claimed to be good at this.  I'm no natural.  I just promise to try and give it my all.


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