Saturday, November 20, 2010

Update (and apologies)

I'm sorry for dropping of the face of the earth mid-meme.  I've just been hit with another round of illness, a heaping pile of work, and a bunch Master-helping (we're changing apartments, and that's got us frantic).

I'll return soon!  I wanted to let everyone know I haven't died or dropped off the face of the earth.


Tuesday, November 9, 2010

Day 17 of 30...

Day 17: What misconceptions about kinky people would you most like to clear up?


This question kind of made me laugh.  I don't know about misconceptions... but there are some stereotypes that sort of irk me.

For one thing, we aren't insane.  I think it's odd when people decide to blame sexual kinkiness on some type of psychological issue.  It's not in the DSM, people.  Leave it alone.  You don't have to be a lunatic to enjoy pain or power dynamics or anything else kink related.  I don't deny that I have some issues, but I'm just saying - being kinky isn't a symptoms of any mental disorder.  I study this shit for a living.  I promise.

Hmm, here's another.  We're not all professional Dominatrices, Doms, slaves, submissives, etc.  Some vanillas seem to think that we're all glorified prostitutes or something. OR the other misconception is that if you are into BDSM, you MUST be a swinger or poly.  I'm living proof that this isn't a vital aspect of kink. Sure, it is for some people.  Yay for them.  But just because someone is kinky, don't assume they have multiple sexual partners.  It irritates when people automatically assume this about Master and I (especially when we've made it clear we're not looking for play partners or anything else).  In order to avoid looking silly or being disrespectful... ask first, touch later.

Also, we're not always what we seem.  A slave or a submissive doesn't have to work as a librarian or in the service industry.  Some of us are giant tycoons and if you dare fuck with us, we will remove your limbs.  A lot of slaves have a zero-tolerance for bullshit.  I'm one of them.  Don't assume I'm a pleasant, ultra-feminine, fuck doll just because I'm someone's slave.  You will regret this.  Alternatively, not all Dominants go running around verbally assaulting people or pushing people around like dicks.  A lot of these people are quiet, reserved men.  You don't have to be an asshole to be a dominant.

Additionally, just because someone is a dom doesn't mean they are automatically a sadist or an abuser.  Same goes for slaves and subs - not all of 'em are masochists and even if they are, it doesn't mean they enjoy abuse.

Most importantly, remember kids - it's not abuse when you consent to it and you like it. :P  BDSM =/= abuse.  Sure, some unscrupulous people will use it for that purpose.  But don't make assumptions.  It makes us sad.

Those are the first stereotypes/misconceptions that popped into my head.  Feel free to mention more if you've got 'em!


Monday, November 8, 2010

Day 16 of 30...

Day 16: What are the most difficult aspects of having a sexuality that involves kink or BDSM for you personally?


Um... "difficult"?  I don't know if anything is really difficult.  It's difficult internally (goes against my nature for some weird reason, remember?) and sometimes I struggle with that.  But you've heard quite enough about that so I think I'll choose a different topic.

I know almost no one (personally) that is kinky.  I know a few people, but they all live out of state.. all old friends from waaaaay back in the day.  Strange how that works.  But, as far as our local pals go, I feel like we have to be somewhat secretive.  Not a lot, and not with most people.  Some friends know more than others.  Most are just fine with it or have no opinion.  I've had a few people get very fascinated with it and want to discuss it with me more, which I'm always happy to do.  But one particular snafu comes to mind...

Master and I were at a friend's house.. about 10 of us were over, playing video games and relaxing.  Nothing very exciting.  I was wearing my leather collar (which my friends had seen before), but Master also had me on a leash that day.  I didn't think it would matter.  These were my friends and there had been no other complaints.  Most people were like "har, I get it!" or just smiled in a knowing, amused fashion as my friends and I so often do. :P

However, I later found out that one fellow (the man who I knew the least well out of all those people) was somewhat perturbed by it.  He wasn't offended, but rather felt that it gave him some kind of.. "permission" to objectify me.  It was obvious from past incidents that this guy was attracted to me, but I mostly just shut him down and moved on.  It wasn't something that worried me.  But to hear that he took it as permission..?  I dunno, it pissed me off and it pissed off Master.  One of our less understanding pals mentioned to me that he could understand the thought process of our other friend... "collars are a symbol of objectification".  I disagree.  I don't think ownership equates to objectification in all cases, but I digress.

It's fine for Master to objectify me.  I am his.  But some other guy who we didn't even know very well just.. making these assumptions?  I later found out he exaggerated the story to other people, making it sound as if I showed up leashed more often than not and that Master and I were doing things in front of other people that made "even (the guy who never cares, name omitted)" "uncomfortable".  Which was false.  All false.  We never did anything out of the ordinary in front of people.  We're not touchy, grabby, make-out in public types.  Even when I was leashed, wanna know what we were doing?  Playing Mario Kart with other people. xD  Cause that's the MOST erotic experience two people can share, right?

It just felt disrespectful.  I didn't appreciate the weird rumors and lies either.  I later forgave this person, but still... I guess the point is, it's a shame kink is something so many people have to hide.  I don't feel like I need to conceal it.  However, I do now keep in mind that there are some people who just don't understand it.  Obviously this guy did not understand what a collar meant or what it is for.  It's tough to blame an ignorant person (though I did.. and I blamed him for the lies spread about me, but anyway :P).  All the same, it's a shame people can't be more expressive about who they are I suppose.


Sunday, November 7, 2010

Day 15 of 30...

Day 15: Post a BDSM/kink activity you're curious about and would like to try.


Call me crazy.  I have no basis for wanting to try this.  If I think about it, I would probably hate it.  I don't know anyone personally who has tried this... but it calls to me.  The only thing stopping me?  Cost.

What I am talking about is a violet wand.  I have always wanted to try something like that... especially inside.  The idea of inserting an electrode and feeling the pulsations of current just sounds.. well, electrifying.  C'mon, you HAD to see that pun coming guys.  But more seriously.. it just sounds hot.

Of course, things often sound a lot hotter than they really are.  And a violet wand is an expensive investment in something that I might not even like.  I wish I knew someone local who owned one so that I could try it.  Meh... I'll keep dreaming. ;)


Saturday, November 6, 2010

Day 14 of 30...

Day 14: How would you say real life BDSM/kink differs from fantasy BDSM/kink?  If you haven't experienced BDSM/kink in real life, how do you think it might differ?


This is something no one talks about for some reason, even though it's something that's quite important.  I'll try to answer this properly/not half-assed this time.  Though please remember, I'm speaking from an M/s, 24/7 point of view.  I'm also going to use male pronouns when referring to D-types.  Don't be offended, it's from MY point of view and (SURPRISE) I'm a woman owned by a man.

One of the most important things to remember is that there will be days when you just don't fucking feel like it.  There is going to be a hard cock being smacked against your face, you might be blindfolded and tied up, maybe a vibrator trapped inside you some place for a tease.... sounds pretty standard/attractive, right?  Yea, well.. sometimes you're going to be thinking "Fuck this, why am I here right now?".  But, you do it anyway because you love the sick bastard your Master.  Sometimes you will be expected to serve when you just aren't up for it.  Maybe Master will be nice and let you off the hook, and then again, maybe he won't.  Sometimes taking kink when you don't really want it can be tough (for those of you considering CNC).  It can border on damaging for some people, depending on what's going on.  It's just something have to consider.  But hey... sometimes it's hot to think about afterwards even if you aren't into it while it's happening.  You know you love being forced and taken advantage of... ;)

Or maybe you're being made to clean something gross in the bathroom, and you'll be thinking "Gee, this is neither erotic nor glamorous and it's CERTAINLY not something I saw in all those porn clips!  What's going on?".  That will happen.  It's called reality. :P It can be lame sometimes.  Not every task or service you perform will be sexy and satisfying.  A lot of the "tasks" I get from Master aren't sex-related, humiliating, etc... He'll want me to repair a database error on his website.  He'll want me to feed myself before he gets home.  Or he might just want me to lay out his pajamas for him so that he can be comfy right when he returns from work.  These are not generally things that make me aroused. xD  That's not to say I don't enjoy them.  I do like to help Master in ANY way that I can.  He's so self-reliant that helping him even a little feels like a real treat.  I'm just saying that my service doesn't always leave my quivering in anxious anticipation of orgasm.  (It happens.. but we're discussing fantasy/reality discrepancies, so we're focusing on that :P)

Another thing is that sometimes your Dom/Master/whoever isn't going to feel like it either.  Maybe he had a long day at work and all he wants is some food and to be allowed to relax.  I imagine it takes some energy to top someone.  Domly-types need their rest too.  It can be frustrating when you're prepped and ready to take anything they can throw at you but hey.. if you're understanding and give them the care and lurv they need, maybe they'll remember that the next time you don't feel like being fucked senseless. Maybe.  Maybe not.

Which leads me to another point - it isn't fair.  Period.  You probably thought about this at some point, but think about it more.  When he doesn't feel like it, you have to leave him alone.  You can't force him to top you.  When YOU don't feel like it, he's perfectly capable of making you submit.  In fact, it is his prerogative to do so.  You might be lucky and have a kind soul as your Master who will let you rest if you simply don't feel like it (Master has done this, though I usually only get out of it when I'm sick or something else is wrong with me).  But he doesn't have to.  There is a lot more that simply isn't fair... sometimes it really fucking sucks.  Sometimes you're going to be depressed about it.  And they cannot understand it because the "not fair" scales are always tipped in their favor.  They may know logically that you may be frustrated about the lack of apparent justice, but they'll never know how hard it really is. (Of course, the lack of fairness might very well be your aim.  That's what a power dynamic IS, after all. I'm just saying.. it isn't always easy.  It isn't always pleasant.  I would be lying to you if I said it was.)

Basically, BDSM can be hard.  I only mentioned a handful of things.  Ponder these and some others.  M/s isn't all fun and games... but we do some of that sometimes. xD


Friday, November 5, 2010

Day 13 of 30...

Day 13: Explain as best you can what the appeal of kink/BDSM is to you.  Why are you drawn to what you're drawn to?


I've basically discussed this already in my "Day 1" post.  The short answer is "I don't know".  I can tell you what I enjoy about my role as a slave, but as for WHY I enjoy those things?  It's all very nebulous.  I always feel weird trying to "explain" myself.  It feels like.. I dunno, why should I have to explain myself? :P  I might be somewhat impatient with this question right now because I feel like A - I've already answered this to some extent and B - I'm also overly busy right now.

Damn this post-a-day regimen.  I could come back and edit later, I suppose but... it would feel a little like cheating.  It's an issue I struggle with myself.  I enjoy finally being allowed to relinquish control and not worry so much.  That's one benefit, out of many.  But.. I like the things I like simply because I do.  I don't know WHY.  Why simply doesn't seem relevant to me.  Again, this is something else I've touched in a previous post (Day 4, early experiences that might point to kinks).  Hmm... perhaps this question is simply redundant at this point?

Or maybe I'm just frustrated because I'm tired.  I admit to this being a possibility.  I'm not shy about that. lol  Meh, again, maybe this will be revisited later under a different post.  I feel I've addressed this issue already, but if you want me to give a "proper" answer.. comment and let me know. :P


Thursday, November 4, 2010

Day 12 of 30...

Day 12: Tell us about a humorous BDSM/kink experience you've had.  If you haven't had one, talk about aspects of kink/BDSM you find funny.


(Sorry for the posting delay.. I had written up these responses, but haven't had the ability to post them until now.  Sorry for that!)

I can't think of anything particularly humorous that we've been through.  We've had some funny moments trying things that we were both new at, I suppose.  One thing that comes to mind is Master trying to bind my wrists for the first time and watching as I repeatedly slipped out of the knots.  It wasn't that he couldn't tie them tight enough, but rather that he feared cutting off my circulation.  We were both in experienced at the time... I wasn't used to being restrained, he wasn't really used to restraining me. :P  It was somewhat comical at the time, though Master may remember it (if he does remember it) as more of a frustrating experience than a humorous one.

Um... a funny aspect of BDSM?  I'm not really sure.  This might be something I have to come back to later.. I mean, seriously just go on Fetlife for like 5 minutes.  There are a LOT of things on there that are comical...


Wednesday, November 3, 2010

Day 11 of 30...

Day 11: What are your views on the ethics of kink?


Ooo, I'm barely getting this post in today. xD

The ethics of kink. I mean… alright. I guess. This isn’t an issue I spend a lot of time thinking about. My ethics are probably different from those of other people. I tend to be fairly tolerant of people with different kinks (the same way I’m tolerant of differing political or religious views). But, like politics and religion, I have conditions. One: don’t tell me I’m an idiot for disagreeing with you. Two: don’t try to convert me or look down on me when I inform you that, although fascinating, your differing point of view has not enlightened me or changed my way of thinking.

It is the same with kink. For instance, I recognize that poly (which keeps coming up just because it’s a good, easy example) is great for some people. It isn’t something I’m interested in, it would upset me, and it’s just.. meh. Again, no matter how awesome it is for someone else, they aren’t going to “convert” me or make me change. There are very few “kinks” I take moral issue with. These things basically line up with the forbidden subjects listed fetlife Terms of Service, if you want to get an idea. I’d rather not even mention them in my blog, if that’s okay. I’m sure people can at least gather some idea of what I’m talking about here.

General ethics? Dude, I don’t know. I’m sure it would vary by person. For the most part, don’t abduct people without their permission I suppose. Get consent. And by that, I mean consent that is legal. The person must be of age. The person must not be mentally retarded or mentally unhealthy. The person must not be impaired (drunk, high, etc). If a person does not meet those criteria (of age, not mentally impaired, not impaired by a substance), the consent you might get from them does not count. It must be verbal or written. This is USA law, not me talking.

For those of us involved in TPE or “consensual non-consent” scenarios, I’m not suggesting we get or give consent every 8 seconds. Just that.. you know, maybe don’t agree to be someone’s property when you’re drunk. xD That’s all I’m saying. For the most part, as long as everyone is happy, I’m not that concerned with ethics. There are messier issues of course, but those will vary by situation.

For instance, I don’t think my Master would command me to get on my knees and suck him off while my mother is in town and having dinner with us. A – my mother didn’t “consent” to this little show and B – it would PROBABLY damage our relationship with her. Maybe some owners WOULD expect their slave to do that. Is that unethical? I dunno. It isn’t for me, but maybe the people involved with that owner don’t care as much. I mean, the above example is PROBABLY not a very likely scenario. I saw a thread on fet where a dude got all pissy because he had a rule that HE does all dishes, not the slave. At the slave’s parents’ home for dinner, they asked her to do the dishes and she obliged – listening to her family and disregarding her master’s freakish passion for doing dishes.

Is that unethical? Because omg, the parents didn’t consent to him doing the dishes and oh noooooooo. Again, I dunno. To these people, it might have been alright for her to disobey her family and let her master do the damn dishes. Maybe a blowjob at the dinner table wouldn’t be okay. Again, specific ethics vary.

Get consent and don’t do shit that is federally illegal. That’s really all I care about.

Tuesday, November 2, 2010

We can't go back.

I had an issue the other day.  Friday, I think.  I was too tired to talk about it then.   I feel weird blogging about this sort of thing, because usually when the emotions are fresh I'm too worn out to write about them.  When I get my energy back, I feel there is no use dwelling on something I'm no longer upset about and I end up not writing about it.  But this might be worthy blog fodder, so I'll give it a go.

It started with me being disobedient.  I admit this.  I'm not perfect.  I was doing something inane, playfully tapping him on the head when he had already told me to stop once.  Honestly, most of the time I can bug him like this and get no real reaction.  But instead I was met with "Either stop it or I'm not driving you to class".  Mind, this is was said with the knowledge that I had no access to my own car and no money for public transportation.  I panicked.  Like... freakishly so.

In my head, it was all.... OMG my education is so important, you WANT me to be educated, I've worked so hard for this, you aren't even paying the bills for it, wtfffffffff. (Not very slave-like, I know but you can judge me later.  I'm aware of my flaws.)

His side of the argument was that it shouldn't matter how "extreme" or "inappropriate" his threat was - stop bothering him and nothing would come of it.  I didn't buy it.  Frankly, I still don't buy it.  I grew up in a household where I received extremist punishments for doing next to nothing wrong.  By the time I was 12, I simply stopped listening and started living by my own rules because I felt that it didn't matter if I was perfect, I was STILL going to end up in shit (my parents were a bit loopy).  So I did what I wanted and was better off for it.  I didn't want my relationship with Master to spiral in that direction.  He didn't seem to think it mattered.  He's boss: "just do as I say and it'll be fine".

That phrase is strangely comforting, yet infuriating.  Sometimes I feel very ready to accept that and I'm GLAD to accept it, knowing that it's true.  Other times I get in this OH YEA? GO FUCK YOURSELF! type of reaction even knowing that he's right.  It's weird.  I'm weird.  I'm not pretending that it's right or that it's justified behavior, but it is who I am damnit.  In the end, am I not still there every night?  I am.  I've never run out.  I couldn't bring myself to, even in my craziest of moments.

And so later that day (there was more shit, but it's too long/convoluted to detail here... I'm just giving you an idea of how it started) he sat me down and let me rant and rave like the lunatic that I am as I tried to explain just how fucking difficult this shit is for me.  I wasn't complaining, I was just trying to convey my point of view to him (something that is VERY tough).  And he pondered and said to me "If this has such a toll on you, maybe we should end this dynamic.  Maybe it isn't right for you."

It felt like the rug got pulled out from under my feet.  I thrive on knowing that he'll always be there to catch me when I fall, be there to correct me when I fuck up.... and that felt like him giving up on me.  It felt like being told that I was too much effort, too hard to keep in line, and that he'd rather just let me fall on my ass instead of continuing to catch me.  And I crumbled into 4 million little pieces and broke down into hysterical sobs.  It was the kind of weird hysteria that can't be soothed.  I was inconsolable.

He seemed satisfied with this reaction.  After talking through this and explaining that ending this dynamic was just not something I was capable of, he explained to me what the purpose of that remark had been.  I told him I couldn't undo what he had done to my mind, I have no other way of relating to him, no other way of FUNCTIONING anymore.  He's made me this way... had I not made progress?  Had we not put in all this work together, building something?  And one day's episode could tear it down?  I told him:

"I like to think.... I like to think that we can't go back from this.  I like to think that getting out of this isn't an option for me."

"It probably isn't," he said.  "I just wanted to see if you felt that way too."

What a mind fuck.  Frankly, I thought it was a cruel thing to do.  I still do.  But he can do that.  I don't think he understands how painful that was for me.  Yet, in the end, he was still there to catch me.. he just let me fall a little further than usual this time, for his own reasons.  I hope the experience was beneficial for us.  I hope that now he understands how ingrained he is, how ingrained his methods are, in my head and in my heart.  I hope I've shown him and given him reason to believe me.

Even after so many years.... I still fuck up.  I'm always going to fuck up.


Day 10 of 30...

Day 10: What are your hard limits?


First of all, YAY.  I'm one third of the way through.  Only 10 days in and this venture is actually quite exhausting.  Still, I'm determined to finish.  That aside, this post is going to be tricky for me and I will have to write it in fragments throughout the day (this is what happens when "busy day" meets "difficult prompt") so forgive me if the thinking is somewhat disjointed... as in, more so than usual. :P

In general, I don't really have limits.  I'll do anything Master wants me to do.  The both of us do have one hard limit though, and this was something we had agreed upon before we even fell into the universe of BDSM and M/s.  Monogamy.  No sharing.  Ever.  In any way, shape, or form.  Master is not interested in sharing and neither am I.  It simply wouldn't work for us.  This is the only thing that comes to mind when I think of a "hard limit" in the traditional sense.

But, in the same sense, we also have some other "hard limits" that most M/s and O/p couples have.  No de-limbing, for example.  Master likes me with all my limbs.  It pleases him that I have all my limbs.  I don't doubt that he would still love me if I lost one or more somehow, but why take them away if he likes them where they are?  Here-in exists the debate that pops up on fetlife every 8 seconds.

Are you still a "no limits" slave if your limits are your Master's limits?  People will frequently assert that the idea is to select a partner (read: D-type) with values that align nicely with theirs.  For instance, if slave A doesn't like the idea of losing her limbs then she should be careful to select a Master/Owner who ALSO doesn't like the idea of his slave losing limbs.  In this way, slave A avoids being subjected to situations she is uncomfortable with or opposed to on the basis that her Master is uncomfortable with/opposed to the same things.

But does that STILL mean you have no limits?  Really, slave A has limits, she's just put herself in a situation where those limits will never be pressed.  So she's free to say "I have no limits, I'll do whatEVER Master wants" knowing that she's being kept safely inside of Master A's box, well inside the realms of her limits.  Other people may claim they'd do whatever their Master told them, even if he one day woke up with a fetish for removing limbs or snuff.  I'm not sure I believe these people.

Personally, there are certain things that I know Master wouldn't ask me to do, but if he woke up a different person and suddenly wanted them, I'd still say no.  I don't have kids, but if I ever did have them injuring them or otherwise harming them would be out of the question 100%.  I wouldn't remove my own limbs.  You get the idea.  Maybe that means I'm not "twue" enough for some people.  Maybe I'm not hardcore enough for others. But, I please my Master and he calls me his slave so that is what I am.  Period.  He wouldn't like me very much if I were the kind of girl who would remove my limbs if he asked me to for no good reason.

So those are my some of my proverbial "hard limits", but as far as anything realistic between the two of us goes?  I'll do whatever he wants.  I'm not sure where I sit in terms of the limits argument.  Is it possible  to really have no limits?  I don't really know. :P Something to think about, I suppose.


Monday, November 1, 2010

Day 9 of 30...

Day 9: Post a kink related song or music video you enjoy.


Like my choice of image, this song is subtle in its kinky content.  Some people might not even notice it, and that's fine.  I enjoy this song because I feel it could go either way, as either a song from myself to Master or from Master to myself.  The music video is not at all relevant to the song content, but I'll post a youtube link so that you can hear it.  Here you are.

Undisclosed Desires - Muse

I know you've suffered
But I don't want you to hide
It's cold and loveless
I won't let you be denied

Soothe me
I'll make you feel pure
Trust me
You can be sure

I want to reconcile the violence in your heart
I want to recognize your beauty is not just a mask
I want to exorcise the demons from your past
I want to satisfy the undisclosed desires in your heart

You trick your lovers that you're wicked and divine
You may be a sinner
But your innocence is mine

Please me
Show me how it's done
Tease me
You are the one

I want to reconcile the violence in your heart
I want to recognize your beauty is not just a mask
I want to exorcise the demons from your past
I want to satisfy the undisclosed desires in your heart

Please me
Show me how it's done
Trust me
You are the one

I want to reconcile the violence in your heart
I want to recognize your beauty is not just a mask
I want to exorcise the demons from your past
I want to satisfy the undisclosed desires in your heart