Wednesday, March 28, 2012

Friends and Romance

This post is just going to be me whining and angst-ing about other peoples' drama.  This is rare for me to do.  Feel free to ignore it.  But.. I'm writing here because I feel like I've been a bad friend and I need to talk this out somewhere.  They aren't even kinky. :P But I've known them both about ten years now...

I'll call the male of the pair X and the female H.  They're both good people - highly intelligent, driven, successful.  They've been officially "together" since November 2007, between 4 and 5 years now.  That's a while.  They've survived quite a bit together, they went to college in different states but still saw each other almost every weekend (they're on the east coast - the states are small and close together out in the NE :P).  I have a long history with both of these people.

When I first met H, she and I clicked instantly.  We were best friends from the moment we met.  That lasted a long time.  We've grown apart a bit over the years as both of us as quite busy, but I still consider her one of my closest friends.  Our friendship has not been without issue, but that's long forgotten and not relevant anymore.  X and I met at the same time and we were also very fast friends.  We had the same interests, hobbies - we even took music lessons together for a few years (we both played the same instrument).  X and I are similar to the point of romantic incompatibility.  He has always been a wonderful, dependable friend, like a brother to me.

When X and H got together, I was pretty happy for the two of them.  X and I used to carpool to/from high school - we both lived far from school and lived within a mile of one another.  So one day, walking back to my car I said to him "So.. I heard from H that you guys are an item now".  He acknowledged.  I continued on and told him, calmly but seriously, that if he ever hurt her.. I'd have to kill him.  (I'm quite protective of my friends)  He nodded, told me he entirely understood and that he was glad H had friends like me.  We dropped it and went on with our afternoon.

After they were dating for a while, I essentially had to give up X as a friend.  I knew I could still go to him for help if shit hit the fan (which I'd had to do once or twice before), but we couldn't hang out "one on one" anymore.  H got too weird/possessive about it, although there was never any threat to her.  Still, I wanted to respect her and the two of them as a couple.  I saw him in groups.  But a distance was forced between us.  Still, it was good to see them together.  They're a nice couple.

But I have to say... a mutual friend, another girl called J (J, H, and I were a little cluster throughout junior high and high school) as well as another male close to both X and myself (call him S) - the three of us have noted that H has never treated X very well.  X has ALWAYS bent over backwards to give H exactly what she wants, to make sure she is perfectly happy (and this girl is almost never happy with anything).  It's not that H never does anything for him, it's not that she outright doesn't care but... X loves her.  Truly loves her.  I think H cares for X.. but she doesn't really love him.  In fact, she's told me as much.

And now.. she has him waiting on a back burner.  Set to the side, the fire turned off while she deals with a newly heated, spicy, fiery dish.  Apparently she decided she wasn't "taking her own advice" and wants to "play the field while she's still young".  That's not a choice I made, but I understand.  J has yet to really settle into a committed relationship, but here's my issue - H and X HAVE BEEN IN a committed relationship.  And he has killed himself to make her happy.  Years ago, X even told S "You know, if things don't work out with H at this point, I'm okay with being alone for the rest of my life".  Which cut J and I to the core - poor X!  He deserves better than that.  And that was before she decided to put him off to the side to pursue some new sexual interest she's suddenly decided she has.

Where he will wait.  Gladly.  Because he loves her so much that her being happy is more important than her being with him.  ...She couldn't return the favor if it were the other way around, I think.  And I feel angry for him.  I feel hurt for him.

...And I also feel like I've been a really bad friend to him.  Looking back on it, he means just as much to me as H does, yet I never sat down with H and told her "don't you hurt X, God damnit" the way I had done with him.  I willing backed away from him as a friend to keep her happy.  Sure, it was probably the right and respectful thing to do and I'm sure X understood/understand, but A - no one was doing anything wrong to begin with and B - maybe I should have tried to be a better friend at a distance...

I don't know.  I know it obviously isn't my fault and that - at the end of the day - it's none of my fucking business if he wants to be her doormat.  They're both adults.  They're both intelligent.  I still can't help but feel that I've failed him, somehow.  I'd like to reach out to him now but.. what the hell do you say? "Hey man, heard you're being a tool - how's that going?"  Obviously not... *sigh*  The whole thing just bothers me and I'm upset for him.  I wish I could do something for him, but I don't know what, if anything, is appropriate.  I also don't know how flagrantly disapproving to be with H in regard to her actions.

Sorry this is whiny, irrelevant, and stupid.  I just... hope X ends up alright.  Maybe he'll end up finding something better and it'll work out in his favor.  But still.. I feel badly for him.  And I feel stuck in the middle.


Monday, March 26, 2012

On My Knees

I think I've exhausted myself.  Maybe Master too.  There has been a lot of sex going on in our house.  A lot.  He's also turned up the heat a bit in terms of his domineering attitude.  I'm fine with this.  In fact, I love it.  It's kind of rare to see him in his element these days - things pile up: work, no car, sickness, etc.  Our whole relationship has been pretty light on the BDSM for the past.. year.  It didn't seem that long to me, but I looked back over my blog and found that it has indeed been kind of a long time.  After the struggling I went through a few weeks ago, this feels like coming home.  Like air after being under water for too many minutes.  I'm enraptured.

Naturally I love him no matter what is going on.  Part of being a slave is accepting that his needs come before my own.  He always takes very good care of me and ensure that I am generally content - but I can't force him into uber-Dominant mode whenever I feel like I need someone else to take the reigns.  Sometimes I ask if I find myself particularly desperate, but it's not the same when I have to request it.  He doesn't typically indulge those requests anyway.  ..I dunno, I don't mean to make the man sound lazy or vanilla.  Truth this, things have been out of sorts for a long time.  Mostly financially and that bothers him a lot more than it bothers me (call me naive, I'm just glad we have a roof over our heads and food in the fridge).  But the reality is that what he needs (support, R&R, a solid SiC by his side) are what I have to give him.

It's tough, though.  I think that's what results in the discord I feel inside sometimes.  I have to be mentally alert, agile, ready to contribute, helping carry my share of the weight.  But I find it difficult to give advice to someone and submit to them in the same breath if that makes sense.  It's easier if he's fully in control of the situation.  Of course it is.  Unfortunately, no one is going to be 100% in control of everything all the time.  That's why people have servants or "help" as we used to call them - sometimes you need someone else to do some shit for you.  I think I'm rambling and I've stopped making sense.  The point is, I think we're getting back on our feet.  Or at least, he's getting back on his feet and I've got to get back on my knees.  And I like the view from down here very much.

I'm totally, totally exhausted though... *curls up on the couch*  I may have a nap right now if I can get my brain to shut up for long enough.  He's still at work and I've got several hours before he's home and we start dinner (I know, I'm the worst - I rarely cook alone, usually either he cooks or we cook together.... but he claims to like it.  And I never said I was worth a shit for anything domestic).  Hopefully everyone is enjoying the Monday as much as a Monday can be enjoyed.  I have lots of deadlines coming up over the next few weeks.. wish me luck.


Thursday, March 22, 2012


This is unrelated to anything.  I've been hearing this song on the radio, and I really love it.  The male singer sounds like Sting (especially during the chorus).  It's really awesome hearing an 80s voice in modern music (I'm an 80s music junkie).  If you're interested, hit Play while you read the rest. :P

I'm still trying to read that Fifty Shades series.  I'm not sure if I'm just getting used to the shitty writing or if the author improved by the time she rolled around to writing the second book.  Could be some combination of both.  Still, going to press on.  It's tough for my the judge something before getting through the whole thing.  ... That's not to say it hasn't stopped me in the past, but eh - I'm busy as hell and my brain could use something thoughtless to occupy it.  It's like watching daytime television - a reprieve from academia and intellectualism.  I have to confess, though - I've not been converted into an erotica fan. lol  I've also started re-reading a bit of Tess of the d'Urbervilles.  I'm not the biggest fan of 19th century lit, but it is a classic.

(By now you're all probably wondering what kind of literature I *do* like.  I can save that for another post.)

I missed the March Q&A train again.  I forget every year.  I think I did it once, but didn't receive many questions anyway.  Still, I'd like to catch it from the get-go one of these days.  Maybe next year!

I've been pondering Master and my relationship with him a lot recently.  In good ways.  Still, I can't help but self-deprecate so much of the time.  I want to be challenged, but I know that as soon as it gets difficult, I rear up and buck against it all.  It makes me disappointed in myself.  Maybe I'm not trying as hard as I think I am...?  It's hard to say.  I feel like I do fight for it, struggle with myself over it, but try as I might - the whole "total submission" thing eludes me.  He's told me time and time again he doesn't want utter submission.. it would make me dull.  I agree with him - it would make me very dull.  But I need to give him more than what I've been offering recently.

Meh.  It's hard.  You all know that, I'm sure I'm preaching to the choir.  I just think I should have a better grasp on this by now.  Maybe it's because I'm so young.  I guess we'll see as the years unfold further.  Time has been marching on alarmingly fast these past few moons...


Monday, March 19, 2012

Blue Monday

"How does it feel
to treat me like you do,
when you've laid your hands upon me
and told me who you are?
I thought I was mistaken,
I thought I heard your words...
Tell me how do I feel?
Tell me now, how do I feel?

Those who came before me
lived through their vocations.
From the past until completion,
they'll turn away no more.
And I still find it so hard
to say what I need to say.
But I'm quite sure that you'll tell me
Just how I should feel today..."

First I wanted to thank everyone for the supportive words and love in the comments section after my last post.  I needed it and it was reassuring to hear that I'm not the only one who feels that way on the occasion.  Why is it that we always think we're utterly alone in our struggles?  Maybe it's the masochist in every human that pushes us in that direction... in any event.

Master and I talked about the junk in my last post.  He sort of blamed himself a bit, which kind of made me feel worse.  My goal was not to make him feel badly in anyway - I was angry with myself for my short comings and difficulties.  Still, it was reassuring to know that he thinks I have the potential to let go of myself.  At least that makes one of us, at any rate.  His opinion is what counts here, though.  I try not to undermine it with self-doubt, but it's there.  Swept under the rug, maybe.  But present.  It always is to some degree.

I got punished for the first time years the other day.  I'm sort of reluctant to talk about it (why do I blog when I'm so reticent? I wonder sometimes), mostly because I thought I'd grown beyond the need for that, but I don't exactly know how I feel about it.  The two of us agree that the selected punishment may have been an overreaction.  Not that his choice to punish was an overreaction, but the chosen method.  It was mental and emotional punishment - the hardest kind.  It sucked.  Maybe I learned something from it, though.  Maybe not.  It's still stewing, to be honest.

Switching gears a bit, I really love the song Blue Monday by New Order (lyrics quoted above).  I've found myself listening to it a lot lately.  It's kind of moody and so am I.  Sometimes you hear a song and you have to wonder if the artist was involved in some kind of power exchange.  Maybe I read too much into it.  But it does make me curious.

Another random topic: there's been a lot of banter about this Fifty Shades of Grey novel.  I actually started a discussion group about it on Fet.  Essentially, it's a series of three poorly written romance novels with D/s elements in it.  I've read the first book and some of the second.  My view is biased - I don't like romance novels and I don't like erotica.  It becomes dull after the 4,000th orgasm, gasp, moan, etc.  Still, although I can't say much about the series' contribution to literature, I am curious about all the mainstream media attention this is getting.  I find myself curious about the reactions of vanillas who read it - might some of them enter "our world" as a result of this gateway book?  What is the negative impact this book will have on society's perception of BDSM?  How hard is this going to hit?

I'm a scientist.  I'm curious.  I wanted to chat about it, so I made a group.  I don't think I'd consider myself a fan of the series.  Quite the contrary, it's tough to read sometimes just due to the sheer.. awfulness. xD  But it's INSANELY popular and I am deeply interested in the social/societal impact this may or may not have.  They're even talking movie deals - can you imagine?  Although how they'd make a film out of something so pornographic, I have no idea.  But stranger things have happened.


Thursday, March 15, 2012

No One

I'm starting to come to the realization that I'm never really going to belong to anyone but myself.

Some bullshit to come out of a "slave"'s mouth, ey?

Believe me, I'm aware.  It's just.. it's my fault.  I'm a taxing creature to handle.  Unless what you're asking is something I was planning on doing in the first place, I will fight you tooth and nail every step of the way.  You might get me to do it eventually, but one has to wonder - was it really worth all the effort?  It isn't that I don't want to give myself over completely.  You'd think that after over seven years, this wouldn't be an issue.  But I'm starting to the think that the reality is that I can't let myself go.  I don't think I'm capable.

I'm too sturdy with too much stamina, and too.. incapable.  It doesn't get beaten out of me.  It doesn't get coaxed out.  Behavioral modification doesn't work (you'd be amazed how poorly I respond to reward/punishment contingencies - it's like I'm just not capable of learning).  I fell stuck and useless and sad.  I don't want to be like this... But I don't know any other way to be.

There was a lot of shit in my house growing up.  The figurative, metaphorical type of shit.  Stereotype time - my father was (and still is) an extremely overbearing, domineering, control-freak of a man (I want to be clear, he never physically abused me).  To an extent that I don't think I can explain in words.  I had other friends as a kid with parents that were pretty awful and they'd still leave my house going "holy shit, that man".  People used to be afraid to call my house.  The funny part?  Dad was never rude or temperamental in front of these people.  But somehow, people can sense those things sometimes.  It's like an underground torrent of water.  You can't see it, but you know it's there - eroding some foundation in unseen darkness.

Many people in situations like that turn into perfection seekers.  And I tried that approach for about five minutes as a little child before I realized it was bullshit and would never work.  If I followed every order, request, and demand to the letter, there would always be something wrong.  Why jam myself into an ill-suited mold only to be punished for it anyway?  It became psychological warfare.  Dad is a diagnosed sociopath (Antisocial Personality Disorder, feel free to google).  He is an expert manipulator.  He is extremely intelligent with an IQ of 140, on an off day.  But never bent to that.  I never, never let him get his way with me.

My mother would sometimes acquiesce to him to save herself the trouble.  It wasn't worth the effort to her, and she's a patient woman.  I'm not a patient woman and I had plenty of energy to spare, particularly as a teenager.  I never let him strong arm me into anything and I still refuse to.  It's a giant thorn in his side.  In a way, he shows love with control.  As I've gotten older, he tries a new tactic.  Why won't you let me help you, don't you know I love you? followed by an immediate projectile shot of acid into the face.  He's cruel when he's wounded and doesn't get his way.

But the point is, I survived him and his strangeness by never backing away.  I recognize that I am a contrary person.  If I'm about to go deposit a check and someone tells me "you need to go do that right now" in a manner that implies they are telling me what to do?  Fuck it.  I'll deposit it later - just so that you're aware my actions were not a response to your prompting.  It's not always that extreme... but I get there sometimes.  But that kind of force and the ability to war and battle and scream and dig my heels in is what kept me... me.

I'm afraid to let go of my stubbornness.  It's not that I don't trust Master.  It's not that I think he's at all like my father (if I'm honest, I'm more of a knitpicky control freak than he is).  It's just that I don't know how to be myself without being this way.  I'm scared I'll become some other person, someone that I don't like.  It's like when you're hiking up a steep mountain and the summit is still so far and you're exhausted, but you're afraid to take a break.  You'll lose momentum and you might not be able to start up again.  I'm scared fucking shitless to take that break because I've never truly done it before and I don't know what will happen to me.  What if I get stuck.  What if I never get to the top or worse.. have to turn around and go back down.

At some point I started crying when I was writing the last paragraph or two.  I don't know why.  I just feel like such shit.  It's a conundrum.  I want him to possess and own me, but how can I expect that when I won't give myself up?  I won't let go.  I keep clinging to myself and I won't let him have it all.  Sometimes when I'm restrained and being fucked or flogged I privately nest inside my mind and think with some stupid sense of pride: "He can't get this.  He can't get inside here, no one can" (too many years of psychological warfare have built that fortress strong).  But in reality, that fact really hurts me and it just makes me so sad.  Partly because it isn't what I want and partly because I know it isn't what he wants either.

But nothing works.  Nothing gets me out of my own head.  I'm scared.  I want to make him happy and I feel like I can't.  Part of me is pissed because I know that deep down, he's the same as me.  Stubborn and scared to not be in the lead.  And he wouldn't ever make himself so vulnerable to me, he would never relinquish any aspect of control.  That's the difference between us.  But I want to because I love him and I want to make him happy.  And I do want it for myself but some part of me is dysfunctional, stuck climbing that mountain - too ragged and frantic to ever stop running and climbing.  I don't know how to be still, I only know how to fight and push and push and push.

I'm aware this is not the post of a "true slave".  I am aware of what a joke my identity can be.  I don't care.  It's fine if the internet gets to peek at my insides and maybe feel temporarily superior to me because the collective has never felt any difficulty in giving themselves over - mind, body, and soul.

I'm going to try to be better.  But fuck it just scares the living hell out of me...


I am going to go finish my cry privately now. I'm fine, I'm just having a moment.  Sorry for being so dramatic, I know I'll look back on this post and cringe.

Wednesday, March 7, 2012


What a whirlwind this year has become.  I'm not dead.  I'll be back with a real post soon, but I wanted to reassure you all that I haven't gone away.  Wish me luck and strength - I need both!