Thursday, March 15, 2012

No One

I'm starting to come to the realization that I'm never really going to belong to anyone but myself.

Some bullshit to come out of a "slave"'s mouth, ey?

Believe me, I'm aware.  It's just.. it's my fault.  I'm a taxing creature to handle.  Unless what you're asking is something I was planning on doing in the first place, I will fight you tooth and nail every step of the way.  You might get me to do it eventually, but one has to wonder - was it really worth all the effort?  It isn't that I don't want to give myself over completely.  You'd think that after over seven years, this wouldn't be an issue.  But I'm starting to the think that the reality is that I can't let myself go.  I don't think I'm capable.

I'm too sturdy with too much stamina, and too.. incapable.  It doesn't get beaten out of me.  It doesn't get coaxed out.  Behavioral modification doesn't work (you'd be amazed how poorly I respond to reward/punishment contingencies - it's like I'm just not capable of learning).  I fell stuck and useless and sad.  I don't want to be like this... But I don't know any other way to be.

There was a lot of shit in my house growing up.  The figurative, metaphorical type of shit.  Stereotype time - my father was (and still is) an extremely overbearing, domineering, control-freak of a man (I want to be clear, he never physically abused me).  To an extent that I don't think I can explain in words.  I had other friends as a kid with parents that were pretty awful and they'd still leave my house going "holy shit, that man".  People used to be afraid to call my house.  The funny part?  Dad was never rude or temperamental in front of these people.  But somehow, people can sense those things sometimes.  It's like an underground torrent of water.  You can't see it, but you know it's there - eroding some foundation in unseen darkness.

Many people in situations like that turn into perfection seekers.  And I tried that approach for about five minutes as a little child before I realized it was bullshit and would never work.  If I followed every order, request, and demand to the letter, there would always be something wrong.  Why jam myself into an ill-suited mold only to be punished for it anyway?  It became psychological warfare.  Dad is a diagnosed sociopath (Antisocial Personality Disorder, feel free to google).  He is an expert manipulator.  He is extremely intelligent with an IQ of 140, on an off day.  But never bent to that.  I never, never let him get his way with me.

My mother would sometimes acquiesce to him to save herself the trouble.  It wasn't worth the effort to her, and she's a patient woman.  I'm not a patient woman and I had plenty of energy to spare, particularly as a teenager.  I never let him strong arm me into anything and I still refuse to.  It's a giant thorn in his side.  In a way, he shows love with control.  As I've gotten older, he tries a new tactic.  Why won't you let me help you, don't you know I love you? followed by an immediate projectile shot of acid into the face.  He's cruel when he's wounded and doesn't get his way.

But the point is, I survived him and his strangeness by never backing away.  I recognize that I am a contrary person.  If I'm about to go deposit a check and someone tells me "you need to go do that right now" in a manner that implies they are telling me what to do?  Fuck it.  I'll deposit it later - just so that you're aware my actions were not a response to your prompting.  It's not always that extreme... but I get there sometimes.  But that kind of force and the ability to war and battle and scream and dig my heels in is what kept me... me.

I'm afraid to let go of my stubbornness.  It's not that I don't trust Master.  It's not that I think he's at all like my father (if I'm honest, I'm more of a knitpicky control freak than he is).  It's just that I don't know how to be myself without being this way.  I'm scared I'll become some other person, someone that I don't like.  It's like when you're hiking up a steep mountain and the summit is still so far and you're exhausted, but you're afraid to take a break.  You'll lose momentum and you might not be able to start up again.  I'm scared fucking shitless to take that break because I've never truly done it before and I don't know what will happen to me.  What if I get stuck.  What if I never get to the top or worse.. have to turn around and go back down.

At some point I started crying when I was writing the last paragraph or two.  I don't know why.  I just feel like such shit.  It's a conundrum.  I want him to possess and own me, but how can I expect that when I won't give myself up?  I won't let go.  I keep clinging to myself and I won't let him have it all.  Sometimes when I'm restrained and being fucked or flogged I privately nest inside my mind and think with some stupid sense of pride: "He can't get this.  He can't get inside here, no one can" (too many years of psychological warfare have built that fortress strong).  But in reality, that fact really hurts me and it just makes me so sad.  Partly because it isn't what I want and partly because I know it isn't what he wants either.

But nothing works.  Nothing gets me out of my own head.  I'm scared.  I want to make him happy and I feel like I can't.  Part of me is pissed because I know that deep down, he's the same as me.  Stubborn and scared to not be in the lead.  And he wouldn't ever make himself so vulnerable to me, he would never relinquish any aspect of control.  That's the difference between us.  But I want to because I love him and I want to make him happy.  And I do want it for myself but some part of me is dysfunctional, stuck climbing that mountain - too ragged and frantic to ever stop running and climbing.  I don't know how to be still, I only know how to fight and push and push and push.

I'm aware this is not the post of a "true slave".  I am aware of what a joke my identity can be.  I don't care.  It's fine if the internet gets to peek at my insides and maybe feel temporarily superior to me because the collective has never felt any difficulty in giving themselves over - mind, body, and soul.

I'm going to try to be better.  But fuck it just scares the living hell out of me...


I am going to go finish my cry privately now. I'm fine, I'm just having a moment.  Sorry for being so dramatic, I know I'll look back on this post and cringe.


  1. Well, this particular piece of the collective has a lot of difficulty giving herself over mind body and soul.

    Occasionally I look back at some of my posts and cringe, but usually I felt better after writing them so I figure fuck it.

  2. This part of the collective isn't feeling anything but sympathetic. Pieces of my life have led to fortress-making too. When you said that sometimes you nest inside your mind and tell yourself how he's not getting to that part of you... heck yeah sister, I can totally relate! Even when I desperately want to give that piece of myself up, I can't seem to let go. I don't know how to make any of it better, but I know writing about it always helps me a little, so I'm glad you can come here and get some of it out. <3

  3. This part of the collective thinks you shouldn't try to conform to some bizarre perfect ideal of "true slave," and that you should just do your best.

    You keep doing that, and one day you'll be where you want to be.