Friday, January 27, 2012


Shameless promotion time. xD This is not at all a paid endorsement and I'm not being compensated for this in anyway.  I bought that Striiv pedometer I mentioned in my last post.  I just wanted to say I LOVE this thing.  It's amazing how easily it gets me to push just a little harder and go a bit father during the day - whether I'm just walking around my apartment or if I'm at the gym.  Love, love, love.  If you need help getting motivated to move, get one.  Seriously.  I can't recommend it enough.  I'd been lusting after it for weeks and it has not disappointed.  In fact, I'll probably be heading to the gym once I wrap up this post.

I keep getting pseudo-ideas for posts and then abandoning them.  My brain has been happily humming along at a decent pace, but I'm struggling with sitting down and actually writing for some reason.  That's okay though.  The world will keep on turning. :)  I'm sure you will all survive without my poorly compiled posts.  The two ideas I have floating around are as follows - I'm putting them down here so that I don't forget them entirely.

-Death Note analogy
-"Abuse" misunderstandings (here)
-On the subject of CNC and rape

There.  Now I can't say that I "forgot" them.  Master and I have been doing well overall, except for one thing - the car I mentioned a few posts back..?  It's dead.  It needs repairs we can't afford and it has stopped running.  I feel both depressed and a little overwhelmed about it.  Overwhelmed because holy shit, public transportation is a pain in the ass when you live 20 miles from your job and dear God, how will we ever afford another one (we will NOT take out a loan for a car).  Depressed because.. well, like I said, I was secretly fond of that pile of shit.  It went and quit on me.  Now what?

Other than that, though - it's good.  I lost 4 pounds this week, which I'm very happy about.  I'm down about 14 since December 16th, which is good.  I probably put on 30 while I was sick (I don't know why I gain so much when I'm sick, I just do.  It happens every time).  So I'm well on my way to recovering myself, which is nice.  I plan to try my best to continue exercising more because it seems to help a lot with some heart issues I have and frankly..?  It just makes me feel good.  So as long as there is time for the gym AND the work I have to do, we'll keep it up I guess.  Master has been with my a few times, which is nice too. ^^

Things could be called "mediocre", if only because of the car.  But honestly, compared to some of the shit people are going through?  I'll take it.  I'm glad we're both happy, healthy, and sane.  I still owe you guys pics of my new collars. :P I'll get on it man, I swear.

One of my oldest/closest friends is planning a wedding for only a few months from now.  She's desperate for me to come, but I don't know if I'll be able to with all the deadlines and events I cannot miss in the next few months.  By "cannot miss", I mean that if I don't attend, I will not graduate.  It's tough.  I want to go, but I guess we'll see.  She was supposed to get married a couple of years ago (same guy, btw) but life kind of got in the way and the plans were delayed.  Not to say that I disbelieve their plans xD but you know, sometimes shit comes up.  I just hope I can attend in the end.  Bah.

Sorry for the totally droll, not even remotely kink related update.


Wednesday, January 18, 2012

Potential Analogy

Well, I finally got back home last week.  I'd been traveling over the holidays, and Master and I have spent that past week getting.. er, reacquainted? :P I hadn't been gone that long, but I swear - to that man, ten minutes is a long time to go without. lol

Classes start up again next Monday, which I'm not really looking forward to.  The last semester was such shit that I'm kind of reluctant to start the whole thing over again.  Oh well.  It is my last one.  I should enjoy it and appreciate it for what it is.  I don't make a habit of mentioning school much here, but hey - college is part of my life I suppose.

My new collars arrived.  They're from, mostly for play/decoration purposes.  I really like them, especially the one Master designed for me (the other one is plain black leather, a replacement for my first ever collar that ended up ruined a while back).  I'll have to post pictures soon, I want to share.  I haven't been given an opportunity to wear the custom one out of the house yet (it is white leather with some blue gems, so it doesn't match with *everything* the way the black one usually can), but I'm excited to.

Despite all the lovely sex I've been getting, I don't actually have much to write about at the moment.  There are a few things floating around my head, but none of them are substantial enough to post about thoroughly.  I'm working on getting back into shape after being sick for so long, so I have been drooling over this cute little pedometer that I really don't have the money for.  By walking, you can earn achievements/trophies, power a game inside the unit, and -most importantly for me- your steps can contribute to charities like a mini-walkathon.  But yea, like I said, don't really have the cash on hand. xD But I wants it.

I'm going to be showing off my age (or lack-there-of) again, so don't judge me.  Anyone who reads me ever see Death Note?  I'm not super into anime, and I didn't even see the series until 2011 because popular things kind of turn me off, but I very much like the series and I see a lot of interesting parallels between the main character and the female "love interest" (although, he doesn't.. really love her, but I can explain more later).  I thought about posting about it, but I'm not sure anyone would get the analogy or, you know, care. :P  But we'll see I guess.

Hope everyone else is doing well too.  I'm enjoying these last few peaceful days while I can


Friday, January 6, 2012

His Car

I was pondering the concepts of property and being property.  At first I was thinking about myself.  Then I started thinking about his car.

I'm debating on going into detail about his car.  I'd love to paint you a perfect picture of it, but I'm always unsure about issues of privacy and identity.  I'll give the details that I can.

It's older, between 15-20 years old or so.  Black.  Mustang.  It was bought used.  It had never been kept inside and the paint job had already gone to shit by the time he bought it.  It has still never been kept inside, or even covered, and the poor thing has a handful of rust spots (although it's doing rather well given the humid northwest climate).  When it was acquired, it had already been in an accident.  The airbags are still missing as he never replaced them.  Master very carefully found new pieces for it - new side fenders, front bumper, among other bits that needed replacing - and repositioned and aligned them by hand soon after the purchase.  I'm sure there is other work he did with it, but I wouldn't know enough to comment on it.  Aside from the missing airbags, you wouldn't know it'd been in a wreck just by looking at it.  Within the last year, someone backed into the left side fender while he was parallel parked.  No note or accountability - just gone.  He hammered it out as best he could with only a crowbar to work with... but it still looks a bit like paper that someone crumpled up and tried to smooth out again.  It needs another side fender.

Inside, it has a few issues too.  The air conditioner is broken and has never worked - not vital for driving and too costly to replace.  The radio has loose wires all over the place that make it mostly unusable.  It decides when the music will stop and start, or if there will be music at all.  The wires around the battery are corroded and wrapped in electrical tape.  The intake manifold on the engine has had to be replaced more than once.  The check engine light clicks on and off occasionally - deciding that it's fixed itself by the time anyone gets out there to check the codes and deciding there is a problem whenever one needs to drive more than 20 miles.  Two doors.  Bucket seats.  It's kind of a nightmare when my back is being unfriendly to me (or when I have cracked ribs :P).

I can't tell if he has any attachment to that car or not, to be totally honest.  He's owned it at least 4 or 5 years.  I tease the poor thing.  I call it a hunk of junk, scrap metal, piece of shit... But the truth is, I really love that car.  When I moved to Oregon for school, he followed me up in that car - he drove 900 miles in that thing in one day just to see me all the sooner.  That thing has done pretty well, especially considering I've only ever seen him change the oil twice (maybe he's done it more without my knowledge, I don't know)... It's given its all.  I'm grateful to it, in all honesty.  And I'll be sad the day is has to go (as all things someday must).

Bringing this back to me - sometimes, I relate to that car.  I've done pretty well for myself too, given the circumstances.  But I'm not perfect.  I don't always run like I'm supposed to.  I'm a little beat up and have some permanent scarring, both inside and out (I don't care to address either variety of scar in this post).  I tease myself too... It's beyond teasing, really.  The things I say and do to myself are outright cruel.  I'd never let anyone talk that way to someone I love.  I don't know why I tolerate it from myself.

There are times when he tries to push a button on me, turn on the radio perhaps... and I either can't or simply won't.  And he'll pull over and rip out the stereo and fuck with it until it does what it wants.  ... That can be painful, sometimes.  Especially if it was something I felt fell into the "can't" category.  It's genuinely difficult to want to do something and to find myself incapable - I hate to disappoint him.  Maybe after that the check engine light pops on, or a SMOG test gets failed... I'm tired.  I don't feel like it, and my fucking intake manifold is leaking (yet AGAIN, he would say).  It hurts when one failing has a domino effect like that.  Sometimes I want to say "It's not my fault!  You're the one who didn't change the oil for 12 months" or "You're the one who let the battery cables corrode".

...Is there truth in that?  I find myself back and forth on this issue.  A lot.  I'd like to say that a slave needs to be able to manage hirself (for those unfamiliar, "hir" is a gender neutral combo of "him" and "her" as I am too lazy to write both) and that there must be some things a slave can be held accountable for in their behavior or self-regulation.  But I often wonder how true that is if a slave has given over themselves entirely to a master.  How much agency can you really have at the end of the day?  This argument has negative aspect of placing all the responsibility on the master and, therefore, one risks blaming the master for any issues that arise.  Any.  Which is why, again, I'd like to say a slave has to be responsible for something at some point... but really - how true is that?

I usually just blame myself for it.  I have short comings.  I can't be perfect, I am human after al-... or does a slave give up the right to personhood by definition as well?  I honestly don't know.  Some would claim that, others wouldn't.  I'd like to say that I'm still human - but others would say that makes me "untwue". I don't really care about those so much.  But I catch myself wondering about this problem too.

There isn't.. any particular thing that got me thinking about all this.  I'm not in crisis nor am I currently struggling *knocks on wood*.  I just get to thinking sometimes and things like this come out.  I'm sorry this metaphor is so long, winding, and poorly put together.

There is... one more thing though.

That car tries hard.  Pushing 900 miles in day.  Driving quite solidly even when something is leaking or not operating as it should.  It fucking tries.  And so do I.  Maybe that's all that matters at the end of the day.  I would like to think so.  I do believe that short comings, imperfections, all of those things that make us want to spit acid at ourselves... don't matter.  What does matter is the effort and loyalty that goes in.  I don't care if my oil never gets changed... I might not like it, but I'll damn well do my best to start up and take him wherever he might need or want to go.

The nagging fear I have is that one day he'll toss me away like he'll have to eventually toss that car.  I know he won't, he has reassured me as much... but sometimes I can't help but wonder if he'll tire of having to maintain me, bothersome as I can occasionally be.  He has no attachment to his car that I'm really aware of (I think I "care" more about it than he does, in that sense) but he is attached to me... Right?  At any rate, I'll work to both live up to and do better than that old Mustang.

Pile of crap as you may be, car... thanks for giving me inspiration.


P.S. - On an unrelated note, I have ALWAYS anthropomorphized cars.  Even before I saw this film as a kid (this song is still awesome lol):

Random youtube comment: "I watched this as a kid and it disturbed me. i didn't realize till later that the real world actually treats people like this."  Something extra to ponder, I suppose...

Monday, January 2, 2012

A Pseudo Explanation

I suppose I owe everyone an explanation...

I don't want to be detailed and identifiable.  But there were familial problems that were taking up a lot of my time.  I was over-worked, over-stressed, under-nourished... and I got sick.  In pretty much every way a person can get sick.  Physically, I have been ill since Oct. 31st, 2011.  I'm still not totally right, but I've been doing much better during the past week or so.  I'll get better.  But it was hard to heal when my mind was in so many directions.  Anxiety REALLY took over my life for a while... and I was not in a good space.

I suppose even if I'd had the time or energy to blog, there would not have been much to say.  Due to.. well, due to my shit, BDSM really got put on the back burner.  Thankfully our relationship overall was not put in the background.  Master's kindness and understanding is probably what got me through all of this crap.  He was the one constant I had and the one thing I had to look forward to at the end of every day.  But still, it doesn't make for decent blogging material.  At least not in my opinion.  (You still are! <3)

I have a lot of self-repair to work on.  Physically, I have to mend - not only to be non-sick, but to get back in shape after months of lethargy and the inability to move much (I also cracked a rib or two at some point.. that didn't help).  I have to get my head back on straight, although I feel like it's mostly there now.  And, perhaps the most difficult of all, I've got to get back into the swing of M/s.

Many months ago, my first collar was lost.  We had moved apartments, and somehow or another during that time, my collar got wet and molded.  It was simple, a 1'' black leather strap with a dee & o-ring.  But it was my first collar.  I had had it since June 2005.  It was heartbreaking to lose it.  I know it sounds petty, but I'm sentimental and it made me sad.  Anyway, Master ordered 2 new collars the other day and I am anxiously awaiting the opportunity to be wearing them.

I've been wanting a kind of 24/7 collar, something I can wear in the shower without fear of ruin (stealth collar from Ring of Steel, anyone? :P).  But uh.. that's on hold for the moment.  Master is letting me wait until I've achieved a certain personal goal of mine before wearing it.  At any rate, I'm glad to be back and really glad to finally have a collar (or two) again.  I'll post photos when they get here.

I hope the new year is treating everyone well.  I've been looking forward to 2012 for a long time... and I think it'll be a good year.  So far it seems pretty great.


Video isn't mine.  It has credits at the end, though!

Sunday, January 1, 2012

BELATED Review! Moonshine for the New Year

Well, here is is after much, much delay which I am very sorry for.  Especially to EdenFantasys - a well known place where one can buy all types of sex toys - who has been very kind to me and patient while I was dealing with a pile of personal/family problems as well as an illness.  Thank you very much for that, EF (special thanks to Kayla).

Now for the fun stuff.  And yes - anal plugs are fun!  I selected the Moon Shine, which is both fun to play with and lovely to look at.  I don't normally use photos from EF's website, but the ones I took did not look very good for whatever reason.  So here are the website photos of the toy for your reference.  And yes, the colors really are this rich and pretty!

Glass toys will never stop being lovely!  The first thing I want to say is that I actually would not recommend this plug to beginners.  Perhaps an adventurous, enthusiastic one.  Even so, I don't think this should be a toy for a "first anal experience".  It is quite girthy at it's widest point, which feels great when it's in but could be difficult to insert for the inexperienced user.  EF lists its diameter as 1 5/8 inches and circumference as 5 inches.  I am not totally new to anal toys, but I am not a frequent.. practitioner (lol) and I did have difficulty with inserting this.   That said, onward!

The base of the toy is wider than the widest spot on the plug itself, so you shouldn't have to worry about anything getting "lost".  This is an important fact to consider when purchasing anal plugs as, unlike vaginal toys, anal toys can get lost inside you and that makes for a very uncomfortable (and expensive!) trip to the ER.  But with the Moon Shine, you've got no worries there!

Glass also makes for excellent anal toys because it is easy to clean and sanitize (pop in the dishwasher for ultimate ease) and it will NOT retain any odors.  Additionally, you can play with the temperature of the toy by running it under hot water or cold water.  The Moon Shine retains temperature pretty well, although please be careful not to get it so hot that your burn your sensitive bits.  Same goes for cold - too cold can be quite unpleasant if you aren't mindful.

Overall, this toy was great for use during sex and for wearing around the house.  The shaft part is a bit thick, so it was a little tough for me to wear for too long.  Still, the glass gives it a nice weighty feel and it is large enough to provide nice sensations without being too overbearing.  I would recommend this toy to anyone who likes anal plugs or glass toys in general.  Again - my only reservation about this product is that it is perhaps too large for a beginner.  Semi-experienced users have nothing to lose, though!  Happy plugging... ;)


Happy New Year

Well, if anyone is still reading, I'm not dead.

I have been extremely sick for the past 2.5 months or so.  I'm only just now starting to feel like myself again.  More on that later.

I am sorry for abandoning you, blog.  I missed this place, but I had neither the energy nor the will to get up and write.  I owe EdenFantasys a review from 2 months ago, and I will be on that ASAP.

And then I need to update everyone about everything.  But I wanted to throw up a post and let everyone know I'm still alive.