Tuesday, July 26, 2011

Stepping It Up... With a Sadist

Master says he wants to "step it up".  I am as unsure about what that means as you are, and I find myself both anxious and excited.  It will surely demand more from me.  But, we must remember, in general giving more means getting more back... right?  Well, maybe not always.  However, in a reciprocal relationship (perhaps even symbiotic in a way), I find that tends to be the case.

I haven't mentioned it here on my blog, but I am traveling at the moment.  I'll return to Master on Saturday. What's waiting for me there...?  I hope this isn't one of those situations where I'm getting all excited and twittery about nothing.  You know, when you anticipate a change, and you get all geared up and motivated for it and then- ...you realize things aren't all that different from before and suddenly you feel silly for prepping so much.  But there's at least one thing he's mentioned specifically...

Last night, as we were chatting for a bit, he mentioned wanting to start using both of my holes simultaneously.  Either a butt plug + him, or some vaginal toy + him.  Apparently getting ramped up about dominating someone puts a man in the mood for stuffing a woman full. :P I wouldn't know.  We used to have anal sex quite a bit, but in the past.... mmm, 3-4 years?  Not so much.  I think I've had a toy in my ass a total of once during all that time and it was quite slender - not at all useful for preparing oneself for an erect cock.

So after bantering a bit about starting to collect more "anal accessories" (lol), the popular njoy plugs came up.  I've heard the stories.  I've heard "things" from friends... they sound amazing and concerning at the same time.  And to top it off, what SIZE?  I am not "inexperienced" with anal, but I am certainly out of practice... I think Master is leaning toward the medium, but I have no idea.  Input is welcome.  I don't believe this is going to be for 24/7 wear (although it may be left in for hours at a time while out and about), and he doesn't seem to be interested tossing me head first into the deep end (at least not at the moment).  I'd love to hear any anecdotes you may have.

At any rate, I'm interested to see what's coming with his plans.  I know he wants to feed his inner beast and "play" (I dislike that word, it really isn't a game) more.  I know he is going to be more demanding sexually.  I can handle those things.. I think. <_<  But what about being more demanding emotionally and mentally?  How many of the little freedoms he allows me will remain?  How hard and fast might these changes come?  Curiouser and curiouser...

I am excited to be heading home in a few days. ;)


Monday, July 25, 2011

A Tip of the Hat

Believe me, I'm not really one for advertising and endorsements, but I do like to give credit where it's due.  You all hear me talk about EdenFantasys a lot because of the products that I review for them.  But this time I'm just acknowledges a lovely award that EdenFantasys received from AVN - the 2011 Outstanding Online Retailer award (you can read more about the award itself as well as the other categories/winners here)!

Honestly, I'm not at all surprised.  My experiences with EF have been nothing but positive.  In addition to their top-notch customer service and wide variety of original adult novelties, there are also a few other aspects of EdenFantasys that I don't talk about much.  For example, EF has some very wonderful, active, informative forums.  I'm mostly a lurker there myself (much like on Fet, if you know me there), but it's a lovely sex-positive community rife with awesome info and people.

Also, the experience of shopping with their website is quite nice.  All the products that I've looked at have video reviews as well as textual ones.  There is also this AMAZING tool: the 1:1 size comparison.  Click it, use the little slider tool to make the image bigger/small so that the size of a common object on your screen matches the size of the object in real life (they use images of credit cards and dollar bills for this matching), and poof: you have a life-sized image of the toy in addition to the provided measurements.  This has come in great handy for me personally.  Additionally, if you make an account on EF, you collect "points" as you browse the site viewing and searching for products, etc.  These points are redeemable for gift card points.  How awesome is that?

There are a lot of programs I don't know a whole ton about that sound awesome.  For example, there is a mentoring program as well as a program where some users can "teach" or "take" classes online.  There is a page here that talks about more programs in detail.

At any rate, I love this company.  Their prices are reasonable, products are great, customer service is second to none, and you're bound to bump into some neat people if you get involved in the community.  I wouldn't take the time to slap this up on my blog if I didn't believe this was a great company worth giving a nod to.  So, congratulations to EdenFantasys on your "O" Award!  It is well deserved.  I hope some of you (if you haven't already) will consider looking into this place!


Sunday, July 24, 2011

International BDSM Day

This has been floating around Fet a bit.  Hopefully you'll all get to enjoy something a little kinky today. ;)  Any ideas for how to celebrate?  Feel free to chime in.  I'd love to hear what you and yours might be doing.


Saturday, July 23, 2011


There is nothing more invalidating or hurtful than being ignored.


Thursday, July 21, 2011

The Lesser Being

Opening note: I'm doing fine and everything I'm babbling about here has been resolved, but I wanted to get the thoughts out.  This post is probably more disjointed than usual.

I hate Freud.  Let me just toss that out there.  He's full of shit and... I just deleted a bunch of junk here.  Now isn't the time or place.  Suffice it to say that I do not buy into any of Freud's Fraud's bullshit.  That said, Master had a bit of a freudian slip last night.  We were bantering a bit about gender, power dynamics, social schemas, etc. when this little bomb drops out of his mouth:

"Well, as you're in the lesser role- I MEAN SUBMISSIVE..."

Now, some of you are going to laugh at me and chuckle about how un-twue I am.  That's fine.  I never claimed to be twue or perfect or a role model.  I've said repeatedly: submission is not in my nature.

But that little "slip" felt like a slap to the face.  Strangely, he retracted it almost immediately, saying that it wasn't the right word, wasn't what he was trying to convey.  But still... lesser.

It shouldn't bother me, right?  I'm a slave, that's what some (most?) would say we are.  However, it seems to rub Master's philosophies the wrong way for whatever reason.  He claims that he doesn't, and wouldn't want to, think of me as being any less valuable or less of a human being than he is.  He's even said he thinks of me as an equal... but how?  It's lost on me too.  It's true for me too though - regardless of what people say, I do not believe that Master is inherently "better" than I am just because he is an owner and I am property.

There are many things he is better at/with than I am.  Computer science is his expertise, I will never match him there.  He is a patient man, much more than I.  He has great self-control, which I only have in certain contexts.  He is (and likely always will be) stronger and faster than I am.

There are more, of course.  Those are just the ones that strike my fancy at the moment.  However.... he isn't inherently better than I am because of those things.  Nor is he inherently better than I am because he owns me.  I don't think his will is any stronger than mine.  The reason our dynamic works is not that he has more mental strength than I do, but rather that I am more willing to bend.  I see nothing wrong with this.  Can he force me to do something I really don't want to do? Yes.  Because eventually, I'll agree to do it.  I don't see it as a weakness on my part.  I just prefer pleasing him to getting my way.  And really... what better manipulation tool could you ask for?  It came built into me, too.

Frequently, I fail to understand this notion of "Master knows best".  ... I'm sorry.  No.  They probably do not ALWAYS know best.  They are people too, fellow slaves, subs, and bottoms.  You don't take on a slave and suddenly develop the magical ability to never fail and never be wrong.  They do fail sometimes (just like us).  They are wrong sometimes (just like us).

One aspect of submission that really shows one's colors is being able (and willing) to experience their failures and wrongs with them.  To trust them and go where they lead you, regardless of the fact that they may be incorrect.  This is... a unique and difficult aspect of submission.  Recognizing that one's Master is NOT perfect and that they may not be congenitally "better than you" just because of their status as owner - and following with blind faith anyway.  It is easy to trust a god who will "always know best", "always have his slaves best interest at heart", and "never make a false step".  There are people out there who do think this of their masters.  The difficulty is in trusting another human, even knowing that there will be times that they harm you or lead you astray.

(May I take a moment to note that it is very easy to always have someone's best interest at heart and STILL royally fuck up on the occasion?  It happens, man.)

Anyway, I have never believed that my Master possessed any kind of magical power that domination gave him that I lacked.  Perhaps that is because I am a very dominant individual outside of your relationship.  The whole... "less than" thing is so confusing.  He says he thinks of me as an equal, yet I don't have equal say.  I find it difficult to wrap my head around because logically, "slave" and "equal" just... don't add up.  Or maybe they do.  ...But I'll trust him on it.  Because that's what I'm here for and because I believe in him.

My difficulty in accepting and understanding "lesser" (even though it wasn't what he meant to say, he was very kind about indulging me and allowing me to converse about it) lead to another question from him.  I noted my ongoing struggles with slavery and submission and he essentially asked me: how is this hard?

Another slap to the face, I tell you! >.>  You've been doing this for years, he says.  Why is it still difficult?  And then I was faced with the daunting task of explaining to this man, who had never bent to anyone else's whims but his own, why it was hard.  A part of me got a bit nasty about it.  Knowing that surely this man would utterly fail at submission and how dare he have to audacity to ask me "how it is even difficult".  I really would like to see him try it.  We'd see how "simple" it became then.

In a way, we were both right.  But that's why I put up the bits from "Your Woman" last night.  I often feel like I'm not good enough.  It isn't that I am disobedient, because I am not.  It isn't that he pushes me too hard, because he doesn't.  It isn't that... it isn't anything.  It's honestly just something that will probably remain difficult for me to swallow.  I will keep trying.  I'll never fucking give up.  But just... true acceptance of the concept of slavery is......  It's hard.  It just is.

Your life is not your own.  Your choices aren't yours.  I don't want to liken it to becoming "nothing"... but sometimes it seems that way when you wake up in the morning and realize that even if you are allowed a few freedoms here or there, it's all illusory and those little choices that you take for granted can disappear as quickly as a thought passes through His synapses.  And people ask me why I have difficulty... I don't think anyone has an easy time all the time.  If you say you do, I will say right here and now - I think you are a lying.  Some times are easier than others.  Other times, you... I can't explain it.

I'm sure this is all making me sound ridiculous and like a failure.  I should be able to offer him more.  Part of me does celebrate it, and the majority of the time, I'm very happy.  But it is a truly, truly humbling thing to think about.

And I don't think that most people could deal with having their egos taken away like this as if it were as simple as breathing.  Sometimes in the beginning it seems that way.  It really does.  And sometimes, later on, you look up at the pinprick of light above you and realize how far down into the pit you've fallen.


Wednesday, July 20, 2011

Your Woman.

"Just tell me what you've got to say to me
It comes as no surprise at all you see

Now I know your heart, I know your mind
You don't even know you're being unkind
Just use me up and then you walk away

Well, I guess what they say is true
I could never be the right kind of girl for you

I could never be your woman

And you're such a charming, handsome man
Now I think I finally understand
Is it in your genes? I don't know
But I'll soon find out, that's for sure

Well I guess what you say is true
I could never be the right kind of girl for you

I could never be your woman."

-Excerpts from Your Woman, White Town.


Tuesday, July 19, 2011

The Middle Path - Madhyama Pratipad

Before anyone throws a "ask him" party in the comments section, I HAVE spoken with Master about the following subject.  Also, I may note that this post is not entirely about "play" (I hate calling it that) and it is not entirely about attitude.  Some of both, a bit of neither.  And yes, I am vague and unclear.  Sorry.

It seems that lately he's been shying away from his sadistic tendencies.  I won't lie to any of you - I am not the kind of slave that needs to be CONSTANTLY demeaned and belittled and abused and (etc, you know the drill) in order to be happy.  That might mean that I suck at being a slave and that I'm not "twue" by some standards.  But for me?  In general, when Master is happy, I am happy.  There are times when I want him to grab a fistful of hair and shove my head down onto his cock without warning and he just wants to cuddle.  During those times, we tend to cuddle. :P He gets what he wants.  And I'd be lying if I said I didn't deeply enjoy the attention and the affection.  I'm a cat at heart - I thrive on being petted.

But sometimes, the opposite will happen.  I think there are times when he will want to do something sadistic to or with me, but he.. doesn't.  He won't even mention it.  I think it's a combination of a few things.  One is that the man is exhausted.  Working is hard.  His job is particularly tiring and energy consuming (much more than my own).  As long as he is pleased, I am fine with just letting him flop in bed and rest as much as he wants.  But there is something else that I know prevents him from reveling in his urges.  And that something else is.. well, me.

It is his prerogative to do as he wishes with me.  We both know that.  Yet, for all of his sadistic tendencies, Master is strangely.... considerate.  (Which is SOOO not like him!  He was not this way when I met him and he is not this way with anyone else.  Geez, poor me, with this thoughtful, loving man. :/ I know, I know - cry more, zelda. lol)  If he senses that I'm not up for that kind of activity, he won't push it.  But what perturbs me is that it isn't necessarily "oh, slave is in a fragile state and is clearly upset/sick/whatever.  I won't push her right now".  Sometimes, he'll just.... assume that I'm opposed to it without ever bringing it up.  Now, there are time when I'm like "No!  Dun wanna!" but... he can make me?  And even if it's not something *I'm* craving, there are still many times when I'd like him do whatever he wants.  After all, what choice do I have?  He's stronger than I am anyway.

I think sometimes that Master is afraid of letting his sadistic side run completely wild.  He seems to be under the impression that he'll stop... caring about me or loving me.  I don't believe that.  I trust him to know himself and to know when he is in a place he doesn't want to be.  And yet, I also know how fucking difficult that kind of thing can be.  I don't mean to portray him weak or lacking self-control.  That isn't at all what I am saying.  But it's as if he doubts his ability to indulge his darker side without losing hold of the reigns.  There are reasons for these thoughts, but I don't want to go into them because... well, they aren't mine to talk about.

One of my slave-idols, a lovely woman named mouse, recently noted on her blog that her dominant/master decided to withdraw sadism from their relationship entirely.  I won't detail the reasons here (again, it is not my place to talk about other people's business but I do HIGHLY encourage you to check out her blog.  Our relationships/philosophies do differ in places, but I always enjoy her writing).  But when I read the posts about that some months ago, it made me wonder if my master had similar concerns about himself.

I spoke with Master about this.  Honestly, I think he worries about making me unhappy the most.  Which makes me feel... well, it makes me feel bad.  It's as if I haven't performed to par, like I haven't given him a reason to believe that I can be everything he wants me to be.

...And really, that's what I want.  I want to be what he wants me to be.  I know I'll never be perfect (and that's hurtful and hard to think about, really) but I can't help but want to give it my best.  I know he doesn't want to risk crushing me because he has already put a lot of effort into building me up.  And yet.... I dunno, I feel like I'll never be good enough.  It's as if I either end up having not enough self-value for his liking or I have enough, but I'm still too brittle to bend.

I think we both need to find the middle path.  It's something to think about for the both of us.  I want to at least be given the CHANCE to take whatever he wants to dish out.


(image source/credit)

Monday, July 18, 2011


Welcome to another review of a lovely EdenFantasys product (in case you were unaware, EdenFantasys sells sex toys and other adult novelties/products).  The product I'm going to be babbling about today is one of several glass dildos that EdenFantasys has to offer.  It is quite beautiful.  I don't think my pictures here will do it justice.  It is hard, smooth, curvy, and called the Amethyst.  It is also blue.  Now, the product DOES come in purple, however the purple appears to be out of stock as I write this.  I'm sure it will be back soon.  I was quite pleased to receive a blue one in the mail (which I was not expecting) as the color is very rich and quite pleasing to the eye.

I must say that I love the appearance of this dildo.  I have seen glass dildos with parts or sections colored, but I've actually never seen one colored the way this item is.  I very much like it.  As a side note, the Amethyst comes with the same little velvet bag that is pictured in my previous review.  Good for storing in a sock drawer or chest, but NOT enough padding to keep the toy protected if dropped.  Treat your glass toys with care!  A break, chip, or a crack will make your toy unusable (trust me, you do not want anal/vaginal cuts or - God forbid - bits of glass stuck in your sensitive bits.  For this reason, NEVER use a glass toy that has been damaged!)

Speaking of damage - this review is coming a bit later than usual because it was delayed by a sort of postal snafu.  When the Amethyst first arrived at my door, the box was quite beat up.  Thank you, post office.  Upon opening the box, I discovered that my new, shiny toy had a few minor scratches on it.  Again, I blame the post office.  Honestly, I probably could have used it and been okay but I followed my own advice (for once) and emailed my EdenFantasys rep about the problem instead.  I was promptly emailed a return shipping label.  I wrapped up the toy again, put it box in the box it was sent to me in, took off the old label, brought the new one + the box to a UPS store, and off the toy went.  A new one was sent out as soon as the damaged item was received.  I was very pleased with the process - simple, convenient, and without a giant fuss.  Thus, I can say I am very pleased with EdenFantasys' customer service.

Anyway - onto the GOOD part.  I got the replacement shortly after sending in the previous item and finally got to try it out.  Here it is!

Without flash on (as a note, the pictures I took made the Amethyst look a bit darker than it usually looks in natural light.  Since it is glass, I imagine there will be slight color/shape variations between products anyway.  Still, this product DOES have a nice, rich color and is very pretty!):

With flash on!  Isn't is pretty all lit up in the flash light?

This is why I chose the banner I did for this review.  This is a g-spot toy.  An AMAZING g-spot toy.  If you haven't found it, I swear, it exists and it is worth looking for.  Now, the curve may seem intimidating to some inexperienced g-spot players, but you'll want to work with it at you own pace.  For me, the toy was perfectly sized and easily found my g-spot.  For those who may have g-spot a bit farther back, there is a certain amount of flexibility with this toy (meaning, you can use more or less of it internally depending on how near you g-spot is) so I think it should still work just fine.

Now, I'm not sure if you're really SUPPOSED to do this (hehe), but I trying the straight but bumpy end as well.  I liked it!  I don't think it's something that everyone is going to rave about, but it is another option.  Another reason why this toy has earned some points - I think the two differently shaped/sized ends give it some variety.  The bumps on the other end still stimulated my g-spot, just not as DIRECTLY (or intensely) as the curved end did.  Still, you've got to love multi-functionality. ;)

Like all glass toys, temperature play can be involved.  AND the Amethyst is exceptionally easy to clean due to the fact that it's made out of glass.  Now, allow me to remind you that glass toys WILL NOT give.  Be gentle with this one the first 1-2 times, especially the curved bit.  I haven't had it happen, but I'm willing to bet you could bruise yourself with this if you aren't careful.  Not that you can't play rough, just make sure not to try going from 0 to 60 mph first thing, ne?

All in all, I really can't find anything to complain about with this toy.  It is probably my FAVORITE toy that I've reviewed from EdenFantasys (and honestly, I think it's the best g-spot item in my collection of other things too).  So if you're experienced with the g-spot realm or you want to give it a try, I say go for it.  This toy is awesome awesome awesome.  It'll also last you a loooooong time if it is taken care of properly.  I highly recommend this product!