Monday, February 21, 2011

Happy Birthday to Me

Well, it's not actually my birthday today.  It was several days ago.  I've been out of the loop due to a bad cold (aren't I LUCKY?) and.... due to a lovely 3 night, 4 day vacation brought to me by Master.  It was my birthday present... and what a present it was.  We stayed at an ocean front hotel pretending that we were extremely wealthy from Thursday to Sunday.  It was more wonderful than I can say.  Master and I have travelled together before, but never alone together.  It was really lovely.  I can't wait to do it again, even if that opportunity won't present itself for a few years.

There wasn't a lot of BDSMish (or even M/s-ing) going on.  Mostly because I was sick, but also because I think Master has a soft spot for me around my birthday. :3  I felt more like a pampered princess than a slave.  I barely lifted a finger that entire trip.  I would feel strange living that way permanently, but I won't lie... I really appreciated it this past weekend.  It was romantic in a classic sort of way, which I never thought was my "style", but I'd be lying if I tried to tell you I wasn't enjoying it immensely.

Bubble baths for two in an oversized jacuzzi tub in our bathroom, boxes of chocolates in bed, glasses of merlot on the beach at sunset, sex in the shower, sex by the fireplace.... Well, you get the point.  It was simply amazing.  I may post some pictures of the room/the beach later, if I'm allowed.  Sadly the Bossman isn't around to ask right this minute.  It's unfortunate that I was pretty sick for about a day and a half of the trip, but it was still 100% worth it.  I'm so glad he allowed this to happen and I can't thank him enough.  It was the best birthday I've ever had (and I've had some really lovely birthdays in my day).

So thank you, Master.  Thank you so, so much.


Now that I'm back home, I have to get back into that slavish mindset I've been fighting so hard against lately.  *sigh*  Does anyone else have this problem?  Any other non-twue, non-"born slaves" out there? It's like I go through cycles.  Sometimes I just throw myself at his feet without argument, other times I can't manage the word "please" without world war 3.  I honestly don't know what the fuck my problem is sometimes.  It'd be great to figure that out.  As a budding clinical psychologist, I really wish that we had BDSM therapy... you know, to help us work out our issues with serving, etc.?  Or maybe some therapuetic sessions for Masters to learn how to properly subjugate their property?  Maybe even some couples therapy to help out floundering relationship dynamics?

Such a dream is lofty.  There is, really, no one out there qualified to "teach" any of us how to be better slaves, Masters, pairs, whatever else.  You can read books, attend seminars, have mentors... but really, no one has those qualifications and I don't believe you'd find TOO many answers there (although of those 3 things, I do believe a mentor might be the most helpful.  I've never had one myself, but I often wished I did.  That may or may not be misguided).  The fact is, you've got to figure out that shit for yourself, and that's a lifetime-long task for some of us...

Honestly, sometimes I'm jealous of M-types because it seems like they have the "easy" job (if there even is one).  It is easy to perceiving topping as all gain and no pain.  Perhaps I'm only jealous because I'm not one, but I honestly wonder... what do they struggle with?  If there are any Tops out there, I'd love to hear your take on it.


P.S. - Kelly!  I got your email some days ago, but have been struggling with a good way to answer.  I didn't forget, I just suck at phrasing things properly.  I'll have a reply soon.

Friday, February 11, 2011

In Your Nature

I'm really tired of being told that you cannot be a slave without a burning desire to serve.  No, not that you need to want to serve your Master/Owner and simply be satisfied with that, but that even while unowned, apparently you're supposed to find yourself laying down over puddles to keep strangers' feet dry or bowing down in obeisance to random people hoping they'll provide you with something to do because damnit, YOU WERE BORN TO SERVE.

That's all well and good for some people, I suppose.  But I can't stand hearing shit about how "true slaves" (or shall we say, twue) have service and submission into their nature.  Or even beyond that, that one cannot be called a slave without having this allegedly constant, ever-present desire/trait.

HINT: Being submissive is not fucking in my "nature".  It is not in my personality.  I grew up smashing anyone who got in my way (or in the way of a loved one) and being better off for it.  I am an aggressor and a protector.  I didn't want to crawl on my hands and knees with a collar choking me and a butt plug jammed into my ass.  I didn't want to give myself to anyone (I worked hard for myself, damnit).  I didn't want to be controlled or suffocated or guided.  This song was (and in some weird ways, still is) my creed.

I never wanted any of that... until I met him.  It's true, my previous interactions with men (boys) had been shallow.  It was easy for me to push them around because THAT, my friends, is my nature.  I'm innately cruel, bitchy, demanding, and I'll walk all over any man who lets me.  I didn't (and don't) take shit as a general rule (except perhaps from my own M, but that's different :P).  Yet, these fledgling relationships and interactions were always dissatisfying for me.  I never respected these people.  They were feeble and too easily molded to my desires.  Perhaps that does speak to the fact that - somewhere deep inside - I really did want someone to take control of me.

But imagining anyone but my Master having said control is honestly just sickening.  The only person who has EVER brought out these needs and desires in me... is him.  And frankly?  Yes, it is fucking difficult to do given that I'm apparently not one of those magical "natural" submissive people.  And yet, strangely, my Master still sees fit to call me his slave.  So, I guess that's an indication of how much the internet knows ne? (Here's looking at you, fetlife.  Please note, no one has ever said these things to ME personally, but they certainly float around often enough for it to be noticeable.  This simply isn't a personal vendetta, just a general rant.)

In any event, if anyone else would like to join me in my corner of what is apparently "non-natural submission", feel free.  I have ice cream and I will share.

It's strange how you can need something so desperately, yet it goes against every grain of your persona.  Hmm.  Go figure.  *tugs on my collar and skips away*


Wednesday, February 9, 2011

Still Alive, I Swear

Hello again.  I'm not sure if anyone is still reading here since I've been gone so long.  In essence, I was very ill.  A lot of school happened.  I got sick again (because I'm like that, apparently).  And then, I went out of town for five weeks.

Don't ask. >_> Seriously, it was not exciting and it was out of obligation.  It was not a vacation.  It was not very enjoyable.  Five weeks without Master = sad me.  Five weeks without Master also means that there is not very much to blog about.  I didn't want to come here and write about how much I wanted to be close to him because frankly it would just me too depressing.  One thing he has taught me is that sometimes denial is easier than wallowing.  I'm not as good at is as he is... but I've learned a thing or two, I suppose.

There have been a few things going on for Master and I on the BDSM/sexy times-front. xD  I might (finally) be getting a 24/7 wear collar sometime soon, for one thing.  I'm both excited and nervous about the prospect, but maybe I'll give you more on that later.  He bought us a We-Vibe II.  I can go into more detail about that bit later as well.  We've only used it once and I'd like to try it a few more times before vomiting my opinion onto the internet.  Thanks to kaya, Master figured out what an Njoy plug is and keeps threatening me with one.  I hope his cheapness will outweigh his desire to cause me suffering. xD It seems to be the only salvation I have.

I asked for a layout change from Master for this blog... he shot the idea down, so we're staying with this for now.  :P  I do like this layout, I just like to move things around sometimes.  Too bad "my" blog isn't mine, I guess. lol

There are a few more things, but that'll do for now.  I can give more details later if desired.  But, for the moment, I do believe that I am back. ;)