Thursday, April 22, 2010


Dare not wish to change even the slightest thing about a loved one, Liz, without first understanding how it might change the rest of them." - TUT, notes from the universe

I received this note today. I like what it has to say.


Monday, April 19, 2010

I think it's over...?

So i think we worked things out... for the most part. It was hard to get through, but I guess it's good that we had to conversation. I also think I better understand where Master is coming from thanks to a neuroscience lecture I had earlier. xp (Though I am still irked by his remark about "normal couples" and "normal woman"... but I might be able to let that go. Maybe.)

I've been watching some documentaries about archeologists who are famous for their findings in Egypt with Master. It's been interesting, watching Him sort of "get into it". It was always a hobby I kept to myself, but it's kind of nice to share the interest with Him. I like it very much. I hope we can find more things to watch and read. I wish we lived near the Metropolitan Museum or the British Museum or someplace where there were Egyptian exhibits. I don't think there is anything like that where we live, unfortunately.

I'll expand on this more later, but I'm on my way to another engagement. Though, mostly I think Master is intrigued by the fact that I'm starting to call Him "Pharaoh". xD


Friday, April 16, 2010

I know...

I know that no one reads this. Master doesn't even read it. But I have to write somewhere, to keep myself sane. I am totally overwhelmed right now, probably more than I ever have been in my whole life. It's difficult. I'm struggling.

And there isn't anyone here to help me.

I guess that's fine. In the past when I was going through a crisis, I was always dealing with it alone. And I've dealt with things quite well and come out stronger and wiser for the most part. Yet, I'm struggling with this now because I've just become so, so dependent on my Master. I don't really remember how to do it alone anymore, I don't think. Normally I would assume that He would help me, but how can I ask for His help?

I'm already "demanding". I'm already "holding him back", getting in the way of the things He needs to do and the work that is "everything" to him. And if I'm such a burden when I'm.. functioning, how can I possibly ask for more support right after He scolds me for being in the way all the time? I'm already too cumbersome, how can I ask for any more help right now? Even if I really, truly do need it?

I don't want to. I don't want to bother Him anymore. I'm HIS slave, I shouldn't be asking Him to do me any favors when I am already such an enormous burden. I will limit this post to the issues I have that relate to Him right now (I have A LOT more in my face right now, in addition to all of this, which is part of the problem). But it's just... hard and painful knowing that I will never be enough for Him. He will always need something more than me by His side, no matter how much I love Him or no matter how devoted to Him I am. That's hard to swallow. It's painful. It hurts me. I don't want to be inadequate, but that's the reality.

I've been trying to lose weight to make myself more attractive to Him. He didn't ask me to, but I've been doing it anyway. I threw that out the window after going through this argument. I gorged myself on pizza and candy, thinking "Who cares? It doesn't matter what I look like or how thin or beautiful I am... it still won't be enough. It's never enough". Which is true. I should be dieting for the sake of keeping myself healthy. I'm not obese or anything, but it's always good to be healthy. But I feel like I need to calm down and accept these revelations before I can focus on my weight again. I don't have the strength or energy to deal with it right now.

I'm sitting here getting teary-eyed again, thinking about how no matter what I do, it won't be enough. It was that way in my childhood too. My father is an alcoholic. No matter how perfect I was, it was never good enough to him. And no matter how much it hurt my mother and I that he drank so heavily, he never stopped. My pain wasn't enough to make him stop, it was just what he needed to do to function. It was part of who he was. Not that Master is all that selfish (obviously he's not ignoring me to go off binge drinking or anything), but it's the same type of... feeling. I'm inadequate, just like I've always been.

I was hoping that today I wouldn't cry again... I thought I was starting to get better, but talking about all this has brought it up again. Maybe it's healthy to work through it and let it come. I just don't think I've ever spent 3 days in years over something before. I don't usually let myself get like this...

I have never wished, as much as I do right now, that I was good enough for someone.

I wish I was good enough...


Thursday, April 15, 2010


Beggin', beggin' you
Put your lovin' hand out, baby
Beggin', beggin' you
Put your lovin' hand out, baby...

I need you to understand
that I tried so hard to be your man.
The kind of man you want in the end,
Only then can I begin to live again.

An empty shell
of "used to be"
The shadow of my life is hangin over me

I'm fighting hard, to hold my own
But I just can't make it all alone.

I'm beggin'......

Alright. So maybe I'm not trying to be anyone's "man", here... slave? lover? woman? Whatever. At this point the label is pointless. I'm sure my Master will get angry with me when he reads this, but I NEED to be allowed to express myself at this point. While I have that ability, I'll take advantage of it.

I'm unsure how to articulate what I'm feeling. Part of me feelings guilty. Because I'm such a pest, so annoying that Master doesn't even want to be around him. I'm reduced to a mere "distraction". I'm an obstacle. Something in the way. Cool.

The other part of me is quite decidedly pissed off that I'm being made to feel this way. "I am not an obstacle," I want to say. How dare anyone blame me for holding them back or getting in the way... I'm not just a thing. I'm a person and I have needs. I can't help that. I'm not just an object.

Or am I? maybe that's really all I am... an instrument of pleasure. Of convenience. An object. A object that has simply become more trouble than it is worth to maintain and keep in good shape.

I just fail to see the use of limiting our time together. Our time is ALREADY limited. Work, school.. in a month I'll be leaving again. And beyond that, there is the ultimate limiter - death. There is already so little time... why squander it? He's all I need.... but I guess unfortunately I'm not enough to sustain him without some other kind of satisfaction.

Is this what I am? A toy to be used when one "feels like it", and then put away when one is bored or simply tired of dealing with it? Maybe that's really all I am.... I guess if I could accept that and move on, He might be happier. Maybe I would too. But I have difficulty accepting that role....

Object. Toy. Thing.