Thursday, April 15, 2010


Beggin', beggin' you
Put your lovin' hand out, baby
Beggin', beggin' you
Put your lovin' hand out, baby...

I need you to understand
that I tried so hard to be your man.
The kind of man you want in the end,
Only then can I begin to live again.

An empty shell
of "used to be"
The shadow of my life is hangin over me

I'm fighting hard, to hold my own
But I just can't make it all alone.

I'm beggin'......

Alright. So maybe I'm not trying to be anyone's "man", here... slave? lover? woman? Whatever. At this point the label is pointless. I'm sure my Master will get angry with me when he reads this, but I NEED to be allowed to express myself at this point. While I have that ability, I'll take advantage of it.

I'm unsure how to articulate what I'm feeling. Part of me feelings guilty. Because I'm such a pest, so annoying that Master doesn't even want to be around him. I'm reduced to a mere "distraction". I'm an obstacle. Something in the way. Cool.

The other part of me is quite decidedly pissed off that I'm being made to feel this way. "I am not an obstacle," I want to say. How dare anyone blame me for holding them back or getting in the way... I'm not just a thing. I'm a person and I have needs. I can't help that. I'm not just an object.

Or am I? maybe that's really all I am... an instrument of pleasure. Of convenience. An object. A object that has simply become more trouble than it is worth to maintain and keep in good shape.

I just fail to see the use of limiting our time together. Our time is ALREADY limited. Work, school.. in a month I'll be leaving again. And beyond that, there is the ultimate limiter - death. There is already so little time... why squander it? He's all I need.... but I guess unfortunately I'm not enough to sustain him without some other kind of satisfaction.

Is this what I am? A toy to be used when one "feels like it", and then put away when one is bored or simply tired of dealing with it? Maybe that's really all I am.... I guess if I could accept that and move on, He might be happier. Maybe I would too. But I have difficulty accepting that role....

Object. Toy. Thing.


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