Friday, April 16, 2010

I know...

I know that no one reads this. Master doesn't even read it. But I have to write somewhere, to keep myself sane. I am totally overwhelmed right now, probably more than I ever have been in my whole life. It's difficult. I'm struggling.

And there isn't anyone here to help me.

I guess that's fine. In the past when I was going through a crisis, I was always dealing with it alone. And I've dealt with things quite well and come out stronger and wiser for the most part. Yet, I'm struggling with this now because I've just become so, so dependent on my Master. I don't really remember how to do it alone anymore, I don't think. Normally I would assume that He would help me, but how can I ask for His help?

I'm already "demanding". I'm already "holding him back", getting in the way of the things He needs to do and the work that is "everything" to him. And if I'm such a burden when I'm.. functioning, how can I possibly ask for more support right after He scolds me for being in the way all the time? I'm already too cumbersome, how can I ask for any more help right now? Even if I really, truly do need it?

I don't want to. I don't want to bother Him anymore. I'm HIS slave, I shouldn't be asking Him to do me any favors when I am already such an enormous burden. I will limit this post to the issues I have that relate to Him right now (I have A LOT more in my face right now, in addition to all of this, which is part of the problem). But it's just... hard and painful knowing that I will never be enough for Him. He will always need something more than me by His side, no matter how much I love Him or no matter how devoted to Him I am. That's hard to swallow. It's painful. It hurts me. I don't want to be inadequate, but that's the reality.

I've been trying to lose weight to make myself more attractive to Him. He didn't ask me to, but I've been doing it anyway. I threw that out the window after going through this argument. I gorged myself on pizza and candy, thinking "Who cares? It doesn't matter what I look like or how thin or beautiful I am... it still won't be enough. It's never enough". Which is true. I should be dieting for the sake of keeping myself healthy. I'm not obese or anything, but it's always good to be healthy. But I feel like I need to calm down and accept these revelations before I can focus on my weight again. I don't have the strength or energy to deal with it right now.

I'm sitting here getting teary-eyed again, thinking about how no matter what I do, it won't be enough. It was that way in my childhood too. My father is an alcoholic. No matter how perfect I was, it was never good enough to him. And no matter how much it hurt my mother and I that he drank so heavily, he never stopped. My pain wasn't enough to make him stop, it was just what he needed to do to function. It was part of who he was. Not that Master is all that selfish (obviously he's not ignoring me to go off binge drinking or anything), but it's the same type of... feeling. I'm inadequate, just like I've always been.

I was hoping that today I wouldn't cry again... I thought I was starting to get better, but talking about all this has brought it up again. Maybe it's healthy to work through it and let it come. I just don't think I've ever spent 3 days in years over something before. I don't usually let myself get like this...

I have never wished, as much as I do right now, that I was good enough for someone.

I wish I was good enough...


1 comment:

  1. I know you posted this a year and a half ago but I still felt compelled to comment. I know how it feels to be not good enough. It feels like it's our fault, not theirs. But no one has the right to make you feel that way (unless it's consensual play which is totally different). I'm sure this is one of the posts you mentioned in a comment on my blog. But don't ever forget that you are worthy of being loved and cherished.

    *hugs tight*