Monday, December 7, 2009

Role Play Ideas

Well, i have to be away from Master for about a month while i go to visit my family. T_T Meh... not looking forward to it. Anyway, Master wants me to think of some role play situations to maybe prepare for while i'm away. This is hard, because there are so many different things to do. i will probably just spit out some general ideas now and if Master sees some He wants me to expand on, i'll probably add in details later. Here goes.

1 - School Girl Stuff:
-Slutty student/teacher
-Innocent student/teacher
-School girl/weird classmate

2 - Conjugal visits
3 - Demon Stuff:
-Rapes human
-Rapes angel
-Rapes other demon female
4 - Captured person forced into being long-term sex slave
5 - SethxKisara-related things
6 - Samurai/princess-weird-Japanese thing.
7 - Geisha?
8 - Modern-time Kaiba/some kind of female interest (vague? yes.)
9 - Boss/secretary or other female employee
10 - Creeper co-worker

That's all i can think of right now and i'm about to start class, so i'll have to come back to this later. xP

Tuesday, November 10, 2009

Submissive Meme

Okay, so a friend passed on 2 memes that i'm going to post up for fun.

"The Submissive's Meme"

-What do you call your Dominant?

i call Him 'Master'. i've been calling Him this for several years now and i think it'd be hard to break the habit by now if i needed to for some reason. i sometimes call Him his name if it's in appropriate context. i have a couple of other silly petnames for Him, but Master is the most common. ^^

-What do they call you?

Master calls me several different things. Sometimes my name, sometimes 'slave', sometimes 'slut', sometimes 'bitch'... you get the idea. lol Mostly 'slave' or possibly even 'sweetie'. Master has called me sweetie since before we were M/s.. and it sounds corny and i was never fond of the word before, but coming from Him? It makes me very happy.

-What is your favorite thing that they do?

Since this is a 'submissive' meme, i will answer this as if it is limited to BDSM-related things. And even THAT is hard a question to answer. Ugh... hard to think of. Um, i think it's just the sort of thing wheren He grabs me by my hair, slaps me around a little bit, whispers against my lips that i'm His dirty slut (or other naughty things), and then forces a violent kiss on me before twisting my nipples and fucking me hard and.... >.> Okay i'll stop. i like that feeling of sheer domination. i love the way He looks at me when He does all that... it's indescribable. Maybe this isn't the most violent, hardcore BDSM fantasy ever - but i love it.

-What do they do that you absolutely HATE?

Again, trying to stick with BDSM or M/s related things here... Um, i don't have a lot to complain about, actually. i don't really like certain punishments that get imposed on me, but i can avoid those by being good, right? xP

-What are your top 3 favorite activities?

This one is hard too! T.T Let's say that these are three OF my favorites, not necessarily my "top 3".

1 - Feeling like an object. i love when Master feels like i have no value other than the value He places on me. i love it when He gets inside my head with just a look. i love when He treats me like a fuck toy and He'll call me His "sex doll" or "fuck toy". Damned hot. i kind of like any sort of "dirty talk" from Master. ^^ But this especially.

2 - Roleplaying. Roleplaying is awesome. i love classic RPs, like schoolgirl-teacher or schoolgirl-asshole classmate. i like when we pretend He's kidnapped/drugged me. i like being the too-drunk girl at the party.... i love being His prisoner. i love when i'm trapped and He forces Himself on be over and over.... geez. @_@

3 - Mouthfucking/general roughness. i LOVE when Master mouthfucks me and then just violates me in a painfully hard and rough way. Along this same line, i also really like being forced to masterbate while being mouthraped... loooooove it.

-What are your top 3 HARD limits?

i don't think of myself as having "limits" because Master isn't interested in any of these things anyway, but i guess i'll list things that we avoid in order to keep us both happy and to keep me sane/healthy as a humanbeing:

1 - Sharing. Master does not share me with others and i couldn't stand Master being with another person. i know most M/s relationships may not be like this, but we are very much happy in our monogamous bubble.

2 - Scatplay/humantoilet/etc. i don't want shit on me, in my mouth, or any other place it doesn't belong. i could HANDLE being pissed on (though Master says He doesn't have a desire for that either) but i don't think i could deal with drinking it or having it in my mouth period. >> bleh.

3 - Switching. At least in this relationship, this would violently disrupt the balance of power. If if Master were WILLING to let me top Him (which He is not), i think He agrees that it would damage "the balance" so to speak.

-What are you top 3 SOFT limits?

i don't really have "soft" limits. i guess i may have certain things that i don't like as much but that i put up with anyway that i could list...

Meh, nevermind *20 minutes later*. This isn't working. i'm only coming up with things that i'm not really interested in, but would be able to go through if Master wanted me to. These aren't limits in the first place, so never mind. Maybe i'll add some if i think of any later.

-What is one thing you will ONLY do with your Dominant, and no one else? (ie, a play partner, another Dominant, etc.)

Um, my entire relationship is something that i would do ONLY with my Master. My submission is a gift and i'm not interested in merely being abused under the guise of "BDSM" by a stranger. i know that not everyone feels it is abuse, and it isn't for most people. But without the support of my Master, i would outright refuse to serve anyone else. He is the only one worthy of my gift... and i think He's very proud of that. Also i think it makes Him happy because He can do whatever the fuck He wants to me >.> and that makes a guy happy, right? lol

-What is your safe word?

Hmm... We had a safeword, in the early stages of our relationship but i never used it. Now Master mostly just pays close attention to make sure i'm not behaving strangely. Master is very good at reading my reactions, and i trust Him. So i guess we don't have a safeword these days.

-Are you collared?

Technically, i am. But Master does not always require me to wear it. He has looked for collars more appropriate for public, but for now, my engagement ring sort of serves as a 24/7 "collar" for us. But yes, i was formally presented with a collar some years ago.

- What are your top 3 fetishes?

T.T This is also haaaaard. Again, these may not be top but i'll list three of my favorites.
1 - School teacher/student. Actually, i think i mentioned this as part of 'role playing' back in "favorite activities" but i don't care. i love when we get to act out Teacher/student stuff. @.@ If Master had taught me in highschool, i would have totally done illicit things with Him. *blushes* anyway...
2 - General Roughness/Dirty talk. i love any kind of roughness/forcefulness. It doesn't have to be specific "okay, I am now going to beat you with this whip until you cry" just.. anything. This won't make sense to anyone else, but the other day Master let out one of His other 'personas'... and that was REALLY hot. During that scene, there was a moment where i tried to put my arms around Him and He wouldn't let me... totally hot, degrading, etc. Made me feel like an object. This fits in with the dirty talk too. Please verbally abuse me? >>
3 - Serving. Sometimes as part of foreplay, Master will make sure my collar is on and just.. command me to do things for Him. Some might be sexual, some maybe not. But it just makes me feel so small and submissive to Him. i also love being made to kneel infront of Him and be forced to repeat some of the cruel things He says about me.. i went back to dirty talk again.. >> anyway, you get the idea.

- Do you love your Dominant, or is it a strictly D/s relationship?

i love my Master more than anything else in this world. i think the relationship would be entirely dysfunctional/abusive if we didn't both love each other very deeply. i know it works for some, but it wouldn't work for us.

- If you've done any introspection, why is it you identify as a submissive?

Fuck this is complicated. i will reflect on this in a separate post if Master wants me to.

- How successful is you Dominant at BEING a Dominant? Is there anything you would change about him/her?

*shifts eyes* Master will eat me if i say bad things. And not the good eating either! lol Well, i think Master is a very successful Dominant. Sometimes i am still argumentative or "poofy", but i think Master is amused/pleased by this fire in my personality. i would be dull to Him if He totally squashed that out of me. Master has made me a much happier person by training me to be submissive and give myself over to Him. When i think of how i was before i met Him... it's.. well, it's been a big transformation. i haven't changed as a person, but.. meh, Master will know what i'm saying. He trained me well.

As for "changing" things about Him, i don't think i have anything like that. i have already discussed one request with Master. Sometimes my "fire" turns into "bitchy". i would like Master to notify me (physically if possible) when i am starting to get bitchy. i don't act that way intentionally.. force of habit, i guess. But i still need guidance there sometimes. And i probably always will. No one is perfect.

- Turn the critical eye on yourself? How successful are YOU? Is there anything you would like to get better at?

Um... well, i'm better than i used to be 4 or 5 years ago. lol i can give myself that much. i think i'm pretty good, and i think Master believes i do a good job since He tells me so. i would like to work more on increasing my pain tolerance and having more time/energy to please Him. Maybe learn to cook better or something. Also, i think Master would agree that i need to take better care of myself so that He can have a healthy slave. i need to eat right, learn to fucking excercise (maybe this SHOULD be a rule, Master?), and stay healthy! A sick slave isn't that useful.

- Do you find the level of control in your relationship to be appropriate? Would you like more or less, or is it adequate?

i think the level of control is good. *nods* i think Master and i are trying to work into slowly increasing control. Turn up the heat slowly to get to a level where we are both comfortable. i'm will to try more and i think Master is too.

- Are there any things you do, as a submissive, that would be considered “submissive”; but aren't done because you're D/s, you just do them because you like/want to, etc?

i guess so. i mean, i'm kind of a nurturer by nature. i try to take care of Master when He is sick and i like doing things for Him "just because". His nature is such that even if we weren't M/s, He'd be making me 'submit' somehow anyway. xD But it is in my nature to take care of people.. so i'm sure some of what i do is just natural.

- Any final thoughts?

Not now i guess. Master will read through this and probably ask if he wants me to expand on anything in other posts. Sorry for the post delay, btw... we've been dealing with me being sick and a lot of stress from school. But i'm baaaaaaaack.


Sunday, November 8, 2009

A Now SEVERELY Belayed Assignment

While Master is out working on the car, I am going to try and get out an assignment He gave me. i think i was supposed to do this LAST weekend, but We both got super busy with the car and then more issues with the car kept us busy/tired/ and dead all week. So, here it is.

Two Saturdays ago, Master did a scene with me. i was tied with my ankles to the bed, face down, and ball-gagged. Master beat me with several things in this position.. His hands, the whip, the crop... after a while, He pulled out the ball-gag and mouth fucked me for a while. i think He hurt me for quite a while longer before He finally tired of my whining and fucked me nice and hard. (Later that day, He also made me squirt while fucking me against the wall - which was absolutely divine).

i'm supposed to write about my feelings during all of this, i suppose. It's hard to put into words. Sure, it's arousing. i love when Master hurts me. He knows if He wants to make me wet right then and there, all He has to do is be rough with me and maybe smack me around a little. But it's more than just arousal, i think.

It's scary, but it feels safe at the same time. i know i can surrender myself to Master completely and trust that He won't damage me permanently, even if i have no idea when He'll stop. We don't really have a safeword... Master tends to judge based on my responses and reactions. Sometimes it can be scary wondering "How far will He take it this time?", "When is He going to stop? Is He going to stop?". But it's so thrilling and wonderful... i wouldn't trade it for the world. i sometimes wonder if Master really understands what He is capable of doing to me.. what He does do to me.

i tend to need lots of love afterwards, which is part of the joy of it all i suppose. He's this intimidating, demon of a man using me for His own sadistic pleasures.. and then He wants to hold me. He wants to pet me gently, treasure me even. It's a total mindfuck to be so blindly dependent on the same person who hurts you... but i love it. i look forward to more.

On a recent note, Master has also started trying to increase my pain tolerance (i think). He pushed me a bit farther than normal last night.. and although it hurt quite a bit, i enjoyed the atmosphere of it all. i enjoy knowing that He's working on me, training me more. He has also introduced a new ritual (taking off his shoes and clothes for Him when He comes home after work), which i am enjoying very much. i like to service Him and make Him comfortable as soon as He gets home each day.. it's strange, but i actually look forward to it.

Am i a sick kitty? >.>


Wednesday, October 21, 2009

A Scene Fantasy...

So Master wanted me to get out some ideas for a scene for this weekend (I wish for sooner, but I know Master has lots of work and that makes Him tired, poor thing). We haven't been able to scene for a long time (I had some surgery/health problems earlier in the year that put things on hold) so it is nice to think about finally getting back into things.

I don't think I'll go into a full-on description of every little detail, start to finish. Just some ideas so that Master can see what I'm thinking/fantasizing about at the moment (or at least just today... my perversion knows no bounds). Well.. here we go.

I'm really into humiliation. I'm going to quote something I found on (a great resource):

"Being told to open various orifices of your body for inspection by the dominant can be delicious for some submissives. Being told to masturbate for the dominant's pleasure is another form of humiliation that some slaves/subs find very erotic... And one of my favorite areas of humiliation play is "denial"... denial of my own pleasure until I am given permission to experience it. Another thing I find quite humiliating and very "wicked" is watching a dominant handle his own (ahem) personal "equipment" and denying the submissive access to it as he does so... sort of enforced voyeurism, if you will.

Many submissives also enjoy being called various so-called "four-or-more letter" pet names at appropriate moments during the session... it seems to make the sensation of submission more intense somehow, for lack of a better way to put it. Being ordered to perform tasks that the dominant enjoys is also considered humiliation play, such as lapping liquid from a bowl, crawling on the floor and, perhaps, retrieving a crop and bringing it back to the dominant in one's mouth... Another form of humiliation play is being commanded to count the spanks or blows of a whip, cat, flogger, paddle, etc, (and asking for more!). And depending on one's desire and style, there are many other things that fit this category.

Some other kinds of humiliation involve "confessions" in a role-playing type session... either real or fantasy confessions, giving the dominant lurid details."

I would absolutely love to do any (or all) of those things with my Master. I love when He degrades me for His own pleasure or for pure amusement. It's really, really hot. (On a side note that might fit in with humiliation - being made to lick, etc His boots?)

I also love nipple torture. Master knows that makes me all wet.. I like having my breasts whipped as well (and whipped hard). The same goes for genitals, I love having my pussy whipped or slapped. Master could probably make me cum just by slapping my pussy for a while, but I don't believe He has tried this.

I love being tied up or otherwise restrained. I enjoy when Master ties me up and leaves vibrators/dildos/buttplugs/eggs etc inside of me. I also go crazy for being made to service Him while He teases me (or while He has put something inside of me to do the teasing for Him). I'm pretty sure I've mentioned this to Him as well, but being forced to give Him a blowjob and tease myself is also one of my favorite fantasies (along with being mouth-fucked in general).

God, there is so much more but I'll try to cut it off here. I'm making an attempt to talk only about things we have the materials for (i.e., belt beatings. mmmm). For in the future, these are things I have an interest in but that we simply don't have the materials for right now:
-violet wand
-chain restraints
-being left attached to a fucking machine for a while
-o-ring gags
(more to come later...)


Monday, October 19, 2009

First post : several long (yet still inadequate) stories

*Cracks knuckles* Well, I guess I should start now. I've pondered various forms of introductions and ways to explain my situation, but I've decided that it's irrelevant and that if people have questions, they can comment and ask me. I'll answer whatever questions Master allows me to answer. I may add to this post later, but for the sake of getting what needs to be done out of the way, I'll begin with the prompt(s) Master gave me.

I'll start with trying to explain what He... is to me and what he means to me. It's cliche, but He means the world. I'm meaningless without him. He is my motivation for everything I do. I would not be able to deal with the pressures I face on a daily basis without Him standing behind me and supporting me. There would simply be no motivation, no reason, to put up with it all everyday.

Beyond that, He's also a gigantic support beam that lifts me up when I can't carry myself. He's the only person I feel comfortable crying in front of (not that I would have a choice about it if I were 'uncomfortable' doing so, but you get the idea). He holds me when I cry, even if I think I don't want to be held, and honestly that means the world to me. Before I knew Him, I never cried in front of other people.. so how could anyone hold me? He's there for me when no one else will even look at me.

He opened me sexually, when before I was quite closed off - even to myself. There was no need and no desire before Him... Now my sexuality is a part of me and it's a part that I cherish because it allows me to serve my Master and to be closer to Him. Sometimes words aren't enough to express the kind of closeness you have.

Master also just lays with me sometimes... laying together in bed watching TV or working on the computer. He loves and accepts me for who I am (not despite of my flaws, but because of my flaws I think). That is far more than anyone else has ever done for me. It's irreplaceable and I think I would break without it.... there would be nothing left. He is so much a part of who I am now that I would not be myself without His presence in my life. And I thank God for that presence. Master can even make me feel beautiful.

That is the abridged version.... The next part of the assignment is supposed to fixate on how I "feel" being his slave/submissive/I hate labels and struggle with them, whatever - I'm sorry. >_>;;

Anyway, my feelings about servitude and submission are kind of complicated. Almost since the inception of my relationship with Master (5 years since last Saturday!!! Amazing!) it was something that I felt I wanted. We settled into it comfortably. Yet, despite it being something that I wanted (and something that I still do want)... I struggled with it greatly. I want(ed) to be perfect. To be exactly what He wanted in every way, to never step out of line. To sense His needs precisely. But I am so.... nya, what's the word... bull-headed will suffice, I suppose. I am intelligent and strong and pushy and in life, I can get anything I want. I can do anything. (Or at least, I could if it were my choice anymore) I had to be this way... I had to be like that just to survive what life put me through. It is part of why Master loves me... He has stated on numerous occasions that He enjoys my spirit, my fire... He also enjoys the challenge of over-powering it. For a long time, I struggled with the balance - how to be the perfect slave without abandoning and losing the qualities that made me myself, the qualities that draw Master to me, the reasons why He loves me. It was hard. I am getting better at it (I think).

I can't remember the last time I was punished for disobeying him. It used to happen a lot because of my need to be bitchy, to start fights, to instigate (why? No reason, really.. that's a whole separate story), etc. I have calmed down and become more serene in my position than when things first began. I used to think that being told I needed to "excercise and take care of myself" meant that Master would not love me if I gained weight or whatever... I realize that it is because He wants me to be healthy (and what good am I to anybody if I'm sick, really). But my insecurities sometimes warp things into what they are not. I struggle with this deeply still.

But I love to serve Him. It's a treat to do something, anything, for him. There are conventional things that Master prefers to do Himself that maybe some other Doms might not (Master likes very much to be independent, as I do... IRONY!!!). But anything that He would like me to do, I will do it.

I am looking forward to pushing more of my limits with Master. In that, I mean I look forward to testing my pain tolerance and I look forward to the rare days when we both have the time (and energy!) to do nothing but play all day. I believe Master already knows this, but I enjoy being tested and pressed. I enjoy being humbled. I enjoy being His.

I love when Master makes me feel like an object. Worthless, only of value because He has deemed it so. I love it when He is cruel and when my cries of pain mean nothing to him. I love it when he makes me beg for it (for release, to service him sexually, or anything else). But I also love knowing that I am loved and treasured as His and His alone (even if it there are times when maybe it might not feel that way). Master is perfect for me. I strive to be perfect for him too.

Again, this is the abridged version. In essence, I love being his servant and I'm excited for the future we have together in this regard and others.

I think that's all for now... maybe.