Monday, October 19, 2009

First post : several long (yet still inadequate) stories

*Cracks knuckles* Well, I guess I should start now. I've pondered various forms of introductions and ways to explain my situation, but I've decided that it's irrelevant and that if people have questions, they can comment and ask me. I'll answer whatever questions Master allows me to answer. I may add to this post later, but for the sake of getting what needs to be done out of the way, I'll begin with the prompt(s) Master gave me.

I'll start with trying to explain what He... is to me and what he means to me. It's cliche, but He means the world. I'm meaningless without him. He is my motivation for everything I do. I would not be able to deal with the pressures I face on a daily basis without Him standing behind me and supporting me. There would simply be no motivation, no reason, to put up with it all everyday.

Beyond that, He's also a gigantic support beam that lifts me up when I can't carry myself. He's the only person I feel comfortable crying in front of (not that I would have a choice about it if I were 'uncomfortable' doing so, but you get the idea). He holds me when I cry, even if I think I don't want to be held, and honestly that means the world to me. Before I knew Him, I never cried in front of other people.. so how could anyone hold me? He's there for me when no one else will even look at me.

He opened me sexually, when before I was quite closed off - even to myself. There was no need and no desire before Him... Now my sexuality is a part of me and it's a part that I cherish because it allows me to serve my Master and to be closer to Him. Sometimes words aren't enough to express the kind of closeness you have.

Master also just lays with me sometimes... laying together in bed watching TV or working on the computer. He loves and accepts me for who I am (not despite of my flaws, but because of my flaws I think). That is far more than anyone else has ever done for me. It's irreplaceable and I think I would break without it.... there would be nothing left. He is so much a part of who I am now that I would not be myself without His presence in my life. And I thank God for that presence. Master can even make me feel beautiful.

That is the abridged version.... The next part of the assignment is supposed to fixate on how I "feel" being his slave/submissive/I hate labels and struggle with them, whatever - I'm sorry. >_>;;

Anyway, my feelings about servitude and submission are kind of complicated. Almost since the inception of my relationship with Master (5 years since last Saturday!!! Amazing!) it was something that I felt I wanted. We settled into it comfortably. Yet, despite it being something that I wanted (and something that I still do want)... I struggled with it greatly. I want(ed) to be perfect. To be exactly what He wanted in every way, to never step out of line. To sense His needs precisely. But I am so.... nya, what's the word... bull-headed will suffice, I suppose. I am intelligent and strong and pushy and in life, I can get anything I want. I can do anything. (Or at least, I could if it were my choice anymore) I had to be this way... I had to be like that just to survive what life put me through. It is part of why Master loves me... He has stated on numerous occasions that He enjoys my spirit, my fire... He also enjoys the challenge of over-powering it. For a long time, I struggled with the balance - how to be the perfect slave without abandoning and losing the qualities that made me myself, the qualities that draw Master to me, the reasons why He loves me. It was hard. I am getting better at it (I think).

I can't remember the last time I was punished for disobeying him. It used to happen a lot because of my need to be bitchy, to start fights, to instigate (why? No reason, really.. that's a whole separate story), etc. I have calmed down and become more serene in my position than when things first began. I used to think that being told I needed to "excercise and take care of myself" meant that Master would not love me if I gained weight or whatever... I realize that it is because He wants me to be healthy (and what good am I to anybody if I'm sick, really). But my insecurities sometimes warp things into what they are not. I struggle with this deeply still.

But I love to serve Him. It's a treat to do something, anything, for him. There are conventional things that Master prefers to do Himself that maybe some other Doms might not (Master likes very much to be independent, as I do... IRONY!!!). But anything that He would like me to do, I will do it.

I am looking forward to pushing more of my limits with Master. In that, I mean I look forward to testing my pain tolerance and I look forward to the rare days when we both have the time (and energy!) to do nothing but play all day. I believe Master already knows this, but I enjoy being tested and pressed. I enjoy being humbled. I enjoy being His.

I love when Master makes me feel like an object. Worthless, only of value because He has deemed it so. I love it when He is cruel and when my cries of pain mean nothing to him. I love it when he makes me beg for it (for release, to service him sexually, or anything else). But I also love knowing that I am loved and treasured as His and His alone (even if it there are times when maybe it might not feel that way). Master is perfect for me. I strive to be perfect for him too.

Again, this is the abridged version. In essence, I love being his servant and I'm excited for the future we have together in this regard and others.

I think that's all for now... maybe.


No comments:

Post a Comment