Sunday, October 31, 2010

Day 8 of 30...

Day 8: Post a kinky image you find erotic.


First, let me say that I am just not... a visual person.  It is very rare for an image alone to get me excited, which is why my choice of image may have most of you going "stfu, zelda!  That's not erotic!" and that's okay.  Second, although there are lots of nice pictures on places like fetlife, I don't want to take other people's pictures even if I DO give them credit.  I would simply feel strange about it.  Anyway, here is my chosen image.

Ha!  You wanted visible nude people, or cocks, or pins and needles, or ropes, didn't you? xD  Too bad, I suppose.  I'm not sure what the proper "title" for this piece is, nor am I sure where I found it.  It was just.. on my hard drive, from ages ago.  (If this is your picture, and you don't want me using it, just let me know.  I'm not profiting from this or taking any credit for it).

When I first saw this photograph, it took me a moment to realize that there was anything "unusual" about the image.  Whether that's a product of the chain's subtlety or my acceptance of the chain as ordinary (or both), I'm not sure.  But beyond the chain, I just love the stance this pair has - the posture is beautiful.  It reminds me of how Master can tower over me, when he so chooses.  Our proportions are similar to that of this model pair, the top of my head fits neatly under Master's chin when we embrace (I measure just under 5'6'', and he's somewhere around 6'1'' or 6'2'').

But it's more than just their relative proportions.  You can see his fist clenched around the chain, pressed tightly into his stomach.  He's drawing her in and holding her close, but it doesn't seem necessary.  She's there, quite willingly before him (or so it seems), gazing upward into his face longingly.  Longing to serve?  To touch?  To please?  The way his neck arcs forward, I can only imagine the looks he's giving her.  In my mind's eye, it strikes me as intense.  It's the kind of stare that bores into your soul and makes your heart feel naked and unclothed.  He doesn't need the chain to pull her in, his eyes have done that already as shows by the way the chain dangles loosely between them.  Despite her apparent bondage, I believe she is there willingly.

To me, submission is the deepest of loves... so is Ownership.

That's what I would call this picture, if it were mine: "Deepest Love".  Despite its lack of innate erotic energy, I think of this picture as erotically charged, if not electric.  And if it isn't erotic, I certainly think it's beautiful.

I think our relationship is beautiful, too, Master.


Saturday, October 30, 2010

Day 7 of 30...

Day 7: What's your favorite toy?


First - do I need to say this post (and like 98% of this blog) are NSFW?  Well, if I do need to, there it is.  Anyway.

Well this post will probably be short, sweet and much more cheerful than my previous post (which really turned into kind of a downer, probably due to the weird mood I was/am in).  But man, what kind of toy are you asking about?!  Favorite bondage toy, sex toy, electronic gadget? xD  Ask Master - my all time favorite toy is his cock.. but that probably isn't what this prompt is about, is it? :P Har har.

I don't think I have a "favorite" as far as bondage goes.  I don't think of those.. things as mine.  Really, they're Master's toys since he's the one who uses them and plays with them.  I'm just along for the ride, which may or may not make me another toy of his.  It's up for debate.  Anyway, I am a big fan of sex toys so I'll try and describe/show you some of my favorite ones that I have and maybe a couple that I wish I had.

I have a rabbit that I like very much.  It's nice because it stimulates multiple areas and I don't have to do much aside from holding it there.  Something like this, I believe this is the one I own: here!  It's loud, but it pleases me plenty.  I don't live with anyone but Master so noise isn't really a concern for me.  Also, why the fuck does this light up?  Not sure what that's for, but it makes me laugh.  Don't worry - lights are optional. xD

I also own a lovely glass dildo that Master bought me ages ago.  It was actually my first real sex toy (you know, not my fingers or the end of a hairbrush? :P), so it has a bit of a special place in my cabinet. lol  I don't know if this is the exact item, but it looks just like this one.  It's listed as an anal probe, but I've only ever used this one vaginally.  I have loved it many time. xD  If you haven't tried glass, you should.  There is a lot you can do with a good glass tool, plus they feel amazing and they look beautiful.

Now we're going to get into a couple of items I wish I had.  First, a lelo product that I've been dying for. Here she is.  A bit like a rabbit.  I have heard amazing things about Ina and I desperately want to try her. She's expensive, though.  But you can't stop me from dreaming. :P  If anyone has used this (or ANY lelo product, for that matter) please let me know what you thought of it!

The next one is a bit unusual.  It was advertised as the first ever "couple's vibrator", and it's now in its second edition.  The We-Vibe II.  Forgive the website, they're all hyped up about the new color options they just came out with lol.  But the idea is that you actually "wear" this while having vaginal intercourse.  I've heard different things from different people, but this is another toy I've been desperately wanting to try ever since I heard about it.  Again, if you have tried or used this product, let me know what you thought of it!

Hmm, returning to things I already own, I have a set of benwa balls that I like.  They're amazing for teasing.  Just enough to get me some sensation, but not enough for me to cum with their stimulation alone.  Which reminds me that lelo makes a type of benwa ball set called Luna Beads - yet another thing I've been pondering buying. :P

So, those are a few of my favorite things and a few toys I wish I owned.  If I ever obtain any of the items on my "wish list", I'll be sure to post up some reviews for anyone who is curious.  If you own any of them, tell me about it.  If anyone wants me to, I can ask Master what his favorite bondage toys are... but that might prompt a session where he uses them ALL on me to decide which one he likes best. >_> So think carefully before asking me this.


Friday, October 29, 2010

Day 6 of 30...

Day 6: Describe your weirdest/most interesting sexual fantasy.


First, let me apologize to you, dear readers who might be here.  I am not... into this post today.  I am still sick, and there were a lot of problems today that I'm too tired to talk about.  Maybe in a later post when I feel less shitty about it.  I'll try to answer this questions for now, though I apologize for the lack of erotic enthusiasm.

I don't think it's "weird" or "interesting", but my most prominent fantasies are all about rape.  I tend to feel guilty over this, because I know rape victims who have experienced some of the things that I "fantasize" about and it has ruined their lives.  That's why, if I stop and think about my motivations for too long, I get overwhelmed by guilt.  Why should I have these fantasies about something that, should it ever really come to pass, would break me?  It's strange.  But!  In my fantasies, it is always Master.  He might be pretending to be a stranger or someone other than himself.. but it's still him.

Perhaps that speaks to something.  Is the rape representative of some sort of.. urge to be over-taken by him?  Maybe.  It's not like it doesn't happen on a regular basis.  He takes over every part of my life in ways he doesn't comprehend.  Sometimes it frustrates me because he doesn't realized the extent of the damage he can cause with a simple action or statement.  In a way, it's a bit like emotional rape.  I can't hide things.  I have no safety.  I am exposed to whatever he wants to expose me to - whether it be despair or euphoria.  There isn't a way to avoid it.

So perhaps that's the origin of the desire for sexual rape.  It's a physical manifestation of what I already signed up for, what I already can't avoid.  It may not be my most mysterious/weird/wtf fantasy, but it is one I think about a lot.  I want to be over powered and forced.  I want to be an object and a play-thing.  I want to be a nothing... sometimes he does make me feel like nothing, even without meaning to.  That's (what I think) the hard part about slavery is.  The scary part?  He doesn't even know he's doing it.


Thursday, October 28, 2010

Day 5 of 30...

Day 5: What was your first kinky sexual experience?  If you haven't had one yet, talk about what you hope to have happen.


My first "kinky" experience?  Man, I don't even remember.  Define kinky?  Using sex toys?  Spanking?  Bondage?  There was a slow build-up.. I'm not sure I really remember "the first time".

This is going to sound sketchier than it is, but Master and I were traveling and were staying in a hotel.  We had a bag full of toys, condoms, lubes, etc. - all for our private enjoyment.  But it wasn't the toys or even the sex that I remember.. it was being laid over his lap in the bed and spanked.  It wasn't hard, he didn't even really leave marks.. but I remember that it was the first time I was actually spanked, beyond little ass-slaps here and there.

We had talked about kinky sex before at this point, though it was before the "official" beginning of M/s - waaaaaaaaaay back in the day.  We lacked the equipment, though.  No rope, handcuffs, whips, chains.. nothing like that.  What we DID have was pink bondage tape (this link auto-shows black, but if you're REALLY interested, you can change the color using the drop-down menu on the page. :P It's neat stuff if you haven't tried it. Sticks only to itself!) and Master's hands.  I was taped in various ways... my wrists tied together, legs spread out and stuck to the bed posts, at one point he even made a little tube-top covering my breasts with the tape.. and being a 34G, that was no small feat!  Anyway, being restrained alone was very erotic to me.

But the spanking!  Being struck by him.. even though it wasn't rough enough to leave marks or have me throbbing for hours afterward..... I was wet.  I was so aroused by it.  Bent over his lap, totally helpless.. and just taking whatever came.  I didn't know how far he would push it, that was probably part of what made it so attractive.  Ironically, I don't remember much else about what we did that night on our trip.  I don't know if Master even remembers this at all.  Maybe he will if I remind him.  We did just buy some red bondage tape the other day that we haven't used yet.... maybe he'll remember if I jog his memory a bit. ;)


Wednesday, October 27, 2010

Day 4 of 30...

Day 4: Any early experiences that, in retrospect, hint at your kinks?


This post is going to be short for two reasons. 1 - I am sick.  Very sick.  It is my reward for taking care of Master while he was sick. :P 2 - I don't have a lot to say about this prompt, unfortunately.

I can't think of anything specific that happened.  My father was/is an alcoholic lunatic with extreme control and anger issues.  Maybe that has something to do with it.  I didn't respond to it the way most people do, though.  When I was in counseling, my shrink told me she was amazed that I was so "high functioning".  Maybe I was just lucky, I dunno.  That's the only thing that seems relevant in my past, but it's so fucking cliche.  Girl has daddy issues, girl grows up going RAWR I HATE MEN, I R UNTAMABLE GRRR, girl meets obnoxious man, girl loves obnoxious man, girl becomes slave to obnoxious man.....   Okay maybe it isn't THAT cliche, but it seems like a stereotype in the BDSM world.  (Btw Master, you know I don't think you're obnoxious anymore, right?  Only sometimes! *nods and runs away before the paddles and slappers come out*)  It seems like we're all damaged goods.  I hate being a part of that BDSM stereotype, that we all only like it because somethings is wrong with us.

I know it's not true.  I'm sure there are plenty of people in this lifestyle with no history of abuse.  Sadly, I've yet to meet any. :/ (If you're out there, PLEASE comment and make me feel better lol)  Again, I hate perpetuating that label.. the assumption that anti-kinks use: "Oh, well if it weren't for social conditioning and abuse and other fucked up shit, no one would possible be into that!"  Maybe they're right.  I like to hope not, but maybe there is something to that.  Frankly, I don't really... care.  I don't consider my relationship with Master therapy.  It doesn't fix my issues, only I can fix my issues.  I'm sorry, they can't be fucked out of me or beaten out of me.  I've got to do it myself.  Therefore I don't think of my relationship (or my "kinks) as a product of my upbringing.  It's simply what I am attracted to and I don't think its origins are relevant.

Some people might call that putting my head in the sand, which is fine.  I'm a shrink-in-training, it's not like it's a possibility I'm unaware of.  It just.. isn't something I think about.  And wanna know what?  As I age and grow, and as my "issues" abate... I get MORE kinky.  I get MORE into my relationship to Master, more dedicated because it gets easier to trust and to release.  I lose the fear that my childhood instilled in me.  So suck on that, stereotypes. :P


Note: This was one of those "tangential" responses I mentioned might happen in my initial "30 days" post.  I might add to this later when I feel less like dying.  If you have comments or questions, feel free to leave them here.

Tuesday, October 26, 2010

Day 3 of 30...

Day 3: How did you discover you were kinky?


When I first heard about bondage/BDSM-type activities, they mostly just scarred/offended me.  But that was because of how I was introduced to the concept.  The girl I learned of these activities from was (and still is a good friend).  We were in our early teenage years.  In those days, we were both writers of fiction in a way.  We would use each other to sound out ideas, etc.  She was always writing these bondage stories, where the bottom was a non-consenting victim.  Stolen, trapped, and taken advantage of violently and repeatedly.  There was no romance in these stories, just a sadist and his victims (male or female).  I wasn't a fan of hearing about these ideas.  It mostly just disturbed me.  Occasionally, the sadist WOULD love his victims and that just threw me off even more.  HOW could you do this to someone you love?  That's fucked up, man!

I didn't understand that there was actually a way for the person receiving this treatment to derive enjoyment out of it as well.  They never did in my friend's stories, and that was the only source of information I had at the time.  I later figured out that these stories were her therapy for something that had happened to her, but that's a different story and it's not mine to tell.  I didn't know people could (or would) consent to this type of activity.  Anyway, that's why I thought BDSM was insane when I first heard about it.  I didn't understand masochists.  I didn't understand that I WAS a masochist.  I didn't realize that I was an emotional masochist at the time.  I didn't realize that it wasn't much different from those "crazy people who enjoyed physical pain".  I ESPECIALLY didn't know I was one of those crazy people.

By the time I met Master, I was still wary of BDSM.  I was scared to relinquish control.  I was afraid of pain and the feelings that came with it.  He and I were friends for more than half a year before we started dating, and he had expressed that he would not ever be in a relationship with a woman where he wasn't the one in charge.  I chalked this up to macho-man talk and ignored it.  :P  No one could tame me, so he'd be SOL if he was ever interested in me.  Well, when he DID become interested in me, I wasn't particularly concerned with who was in charge.  I just knew we had feelings for each other and it didn't particularly matter to me who was in charge.  At first, I thought "Alright, I'll let him play boss.. it doesn't matter to me if he thinks he's in charge.  I like running the show behind the scenes anyway".  Oh.  How wrong THAT was.

Our eventual evolution into M/s was complicated.  Or at least, it's complicated to me because I didn't even sense that it was happening.  Master eased me into his kinks.  I was willing to try.  Then I realized... I liked it.  Sometimes I felt like I liked it more than even he did. xD  He opened me.  Sexually, emotionally, spiritually.  I had been closed off to the world (remember what I said earlier about being an emotional masochist?) for so long.. shut tight, locked up.  But he opened me no problem.  He did it without my knowledge.  Stealthy bastard!  But I thank him for it... I'm happier because of it, better off because of it.

Whenever I tell this story there are always missing pieces.  But.. there you have it.  I knew I was kinky when Master told me I was.  And hey.. he was right.


Monday, October 25, 2010

Day 2 of 30...

Day 2: List your kinks.


List my kinks?  Blah, there's a lot of them... some of them embarrass me, but I guess I shouldn't be too embarrassed.  :P It's only the internet, after all. lol  I COULD just copy/pasta (yes, PASTA) my Fetlife fetish list at you, but I'll try not to.  It does say list, not "zelda, make everyone bored with the details of everything you find attractive".  This list is not all-inclusive.  This is just what I can think of right now.

Things I enjoy:
  • Rape play
  • Biting
  • Pain, many types (I like some types more than others.. I'm not a fan of stinging pain. Too bad Master is a fan of inflicting it. :P)
  • Bondage (Duh.. I'm guessing you know I like to be restrained, but it isn't necessary. I actually prefer being held down "mentally", but physical bonds are sexy)
  • Objectification
  • Orgasm denial
  • Whipping, belting, paddling... pain, remember? :P
  •  Pet play 
  • Humiliation
  • Role play (ALLLL types of scenarios.. we don't do it very often, but it's fun when we do)
  • Wax play
  • Anal sex (sometimes... sometimes.. lol)
  • Cock worship
  • Uh.. serving my Master? >>
  • Fetish wear.. though neither of us can really afford any.  But Master is sexy in leather, and maybe I am too.
  • Having my hair yanked
  • Master whispering in my ear while he fucks me.. or beats me.... or just in general
  • Choking/having my throat grabbed
  • Breast/pussy torture
  • Spanking
  • Tit fucking
  • Being used for Master's pleasure without being allowed to cum
  • Being taken beyond my "limits" by Master (as in, when I beg him to stop and he keeps going) 
Blah.. I'm going to stop here, mostly because I am sick and very tired.  So, there is a tiny snapshot of some of the things I like.  Questions?  Something you think I left out?  Feel free to comment.  There are other things not listed here, still more things I'm curious about but haven't gotten to try... Maybe someday we'll do a post on that.


Sunday, October 24, 2010

Day 1 of 30...

Day 1: Dom, sub, switch? What parts of BDSM interest you?  Give us an interesting, in-depth definition of what that means to you.  Basically, define your kinky self for us.


I'm pretty sure if you're here, you know I identify as a slave.  I sort of touched on why/how in my previous post.. or rather, on touched on how I don't know why or how. xD Either way...

I didn't always identify as a slave.  I thought I was "just a sub".  I put that in quotations because I don't want to be told I'm implying that being a slave is somehow "better" than a submissive.  Frankly, I don't really care what other people choose to do for themselves.  They can do whatever they please.  I'm talking about me here.  In any event, I didn't think I was a slave.  I (mistakenly) thought I still maintained some autonomy.. I (mistakenly) thought that surely he didn't own me.  He was my Master, but I wasn't a slave.... naw.  That'd be crazy.  I mean, me?  A slave?  *laughs nervously* >_>;;

Master is an interesting fellow.  He had gotten me to submit to him without me even really realizing it.  I had agreed, of course.  But I hadn't acknowledged my own "progress".  I just wasn't aware of it.  It still amazes me how he could have me so far under his control without me even realizing it.  I fought it, I struggled... which is probably why I didn't think I had become any more submissive.  Yet, I was being lead further and further down the rabbit hole without even realizing what was going on.  By the time I figured it out, it was too late.  There isn't a way back up now.  Sometimes (again, mentioned in previous post "When I Say Us..") the reality frightens me.  I do find it reassuring though, for the most part.

I love being Master's slave.  I don't think I could do this with anyone else.  On a fetlife thread, a question was posed asking if we would seek out "this type of relationship" (whatever it is you may be doing, though it was in the O/p group) again, if it somehow ended with our present partner.  I can't stand to think about it, but I know I wouldn't go looking again.  I could never submit to anyone but Master.  I won't and simply can't.  Maybe to some that makes me less of a slave.  Again - I am not a "natural born" submissive.  I do need this.  I need to submit to him, even when it's hard for me.  But I can't get it from anyone else but him.  Therefore, I kneel only before him (yay cliches).

I think he likes it that way.  There is something satisfying for him, knowing that I walk around taking shit from no one all day, yet I'm home waiting for him each day eager to serve and to please him.  I dunno, I can't really define my slavery or my "kinky self".  I'm not sure anyone really can.  It's very much a part of who I am.  I know it satisfies me, I know I need/crave it, and I know (above all else) it pleases Master.  I'd do anything to please him.. that's really my main goal in all of this.  I just want him to be happy.  He deserves it.


Saturday, October 23, 2010

30 days...?

Hullooooo! :P  So, I'm starting with a question.  I'm thinking of slugging through this (not my creation, obviously):

Day 1: Dom, sub, switch? What parts of BDSM interest you? Give us an interesting in-depth definition of what that means to you. Basically define your kinky self for us.
Day 2: List your kinks.

Day 3: How did you discover you were kinky?

Day 4: Any early experiences that, in retrospect, hint at your kinks?
Day 5: What was your first kinky sexual experience? If you haven’t had one yet, talk about what you hope to have happen.

Day 6: Describe your weirdest/most interesting sexual fantasy.

Day 7: What’s your favorite toy?

Day 8: Post a kinky image you find erotic.

Day 9: Post a kink related song or music video you enjoy.
Day 10: What are your hard limits?
Day 11: What are your views on the ethics of kink?
Day 12: Tell us about a humorous BDSM/kink experience you’ve had. If you haven’t had one, talk about aspects of kink/BDSM you find funny.

Day 13: Explain as best you can what the appeal of kink/BDSM is to you? Why are you drawn to what you’re drawn to?

Day 14: How would you say real life BDSM/kink varies from fantasy BDSM/kink? If you haven’t experienced real life BDSM/kink how do you think it might differ?

Day 15: Post a BDSM/kink activity you’re curious about and would like to try.

Day 16: What are the most difficult aspects of having a sexuality that involves kink or BDSM for you personally?

Day 17: What misconception about kinky people would you most like to clear up?

Day 18: Any kinky/BDSM pet peeves? If so, what are they?
Day 19: Any unexpected ways kink has improved your life? If so, what are they?
Day 20: Talk about something within kink/bdsm that you’re curious about/don’t understand.

Day 21: Favorite BDSM related book (fiction or non-fiction)

Day 22: What do you think is important in keeping a BDSM relationship healthy? How does it differ from a vanilla relationship?

Day 23: Since you first developed an interest in kink, have your interests/perspectives changed? How so?
Day 24: What qualities do you look for in a partner?
Day 25: How open are you about your kinks?

Day 26: What’s your opinion on online BDSM play?
Day 27: Do your non-kink interests ever find their way into your kinky activities? If so, how?
Day 28: How do you dress for kink/BDSM play? What significance does your attire have to you?
Day 29: Do you have a BDSM title (e.g. mistress, master, slut, pig, whore, princess, goddess, ma’am, sir)? What is your opinion of the use of titles in general?

Day 30: Whatever BDSM/kink related thing you want to write about.

What do we think?  I'm not sure I'd be able to fully answer all of these questions, and I might have alterations based on what Master wants to hear about.  The responses will likely be at least "on topic" though.  I don't typically... do this sort of theme-y.. crap, but whatever.  It might be a useful exercise, I suppose.  I'd still be including "normal" posts, of course - if there is something else I'd like to write about.  So, maybe I'll give it a try but we'll have to see what Master wants out of me first. :P  Are there any questions any of YOU want answered?  Comment and/or email me, I'll see what I can do. ;)


P.S. - I cannot for the life of me figure out why my font looks a bit different in this post... I did copy/paste the 30 Days list, so perhaps that was the cause but I can't figure out the remedy.  Oh well. :P

Friday, October 22, 2010

Late 'Love Our Lurkers' Day.

So, I'm a day late to the LOL celebration.  I don't think I have any lurkers.  But if I do, I'd be very happy to meet you. :3 Leave a comment if you wouldn't mind.  Again, I'd enjoy being introduced to you if you're out there.  And thanks to anyone who reads this (lurker or no).. I appreciate it.


Tuesday, October 19, 2010

When I Say "Us", I Mean "Him"...

Well, not only am I late, but I'm lacking in material I'm afraid.  Master and I had our anniversary this past Sunday (October 17), which was very nice for the both of us.  Strangely, I was made to try wax play for the first time.  I know that seems like a weird thing to have not done for so many years (especially given all our other strangeness), but things happen when they happen I suppose.  I did enjoy it, though it took some getting used to.  It's a different sensation than the usual type of play Master and I do... it didn't hurt quite so badly as some other things, but it hurt differently and burning/hot shit scares me.  My skin burns easily, I've had bad experiences with being burned... so the idea always scared me.  But he wanted to, so I let him.  He even tried it on himself first, which I thought was really endearing.  He didn't have to, of course.. but I did appreciate it, even knowing that his skin is tougher than mine is.  I liked it.  I want to do it again... I always love when he makes me try new things, even if I'm opposed to the idea at onset.  Sometimes you really don't know what you like until you give it a shot.

Ah, now onto other things I suppose.  Sorry for the lack of a long, slow, sensual description of our exploits but... after all, anniversaries are private affairs, ne? :P Anyway, the post I keep wanting to put up (but procrastinating) is sort of a ramble about... well, why did I agree to being a slave?  Why/how did I choose this?  It's a complicated rant (which is why I keep putting it off), so maybe I'll just go for an abridged version for now...

I wasn't born a submissive.  The idea of submission used to make my stomach turn and sometimes, it still does.  I am a dominant person.  I take shit from no one, I lead, I'm assertive, and if you get in my way - so help you.  Some people claim to be "natural submissives" or slaves or whatever.... not me.  I was not born to serve.  I am a very compassionate person, and I like to see people happy... but I'm just not a person with natural submissive tendencies.

Master thinks I am.  Maybe I am.  It's confusing, because I don't think he implanted this into me.  It does seem that he's uncovered something that was already there, but it was far below the surface.  Sometimes it still is.  I still have days where I'll think "Fuck this.  Fuck you.  I'm not doing this, I don't have to." and I fight it, and I fight him.... and he's still there and somehow I'm still listening to him, if not without difficulty.  Those days are much fewer and farther between than they used to be, but they still happened. It was hard for me to get where I am today, and I don't even think I've made much progress.  He thinks I have, I suppose that's all that matters.  But he doesn't know how fucking hard it was for me.  How much I had to work, claw, scratch, sweat, bleed......... It goes so far against my natural grain. So why do I want it?

I have no God damned idea.  I know it makes me happier than anything else does.  It makes him happy too, which can only make me happier.  I have no idea why though.  I used to fight with it.  A lot.  I felt that it went against everything I am, everything I stand for.  I felt like I was losing myself in him.  Sometimes I think I did lose myself in him... I used to be so independent, now I feel co-dependent and pathetic on the occasion.  He's enveloped all my other desires.  I feel like everything else I do throughout the day when he is at work is just a way to occupy myself until I'm back with him again.  Sometimes, I really do get scared that I'm... not here anymore.  It's not me, it's us.  By us, I mostly mean him.  Anyone who has experienced this... feeling of being subsumed by their Master and tells you it didn't (or doesn't occasionally) scare the hell out of them is full of shit.  Or at least, that's my opinion.

It doesn't hurt.  It's quite pleasant.  He's always there, to lift me, support me, love me.. but still.  No one ever said a good thing couldn't be scary.


Friday, October 15, 2010

On my way...

I’m so close to being able to write here again.  Don’t worry, I haven’t forgotten you! 1-2 more days, my friends!


Sunday, October 10, 2010


I have so many posts I want to do, but I'm simply busy as hell.  At the end of this week, things will be better and I can blog merrily until my heart is as content as can be.  By the way, I've been considering getting a Tumblr but I've never had an account there before.  Does anyone have an opinions/recommendations?  It would NOT be a replacement for this blog though, so no worries there. ;)

I'm also considering doing the "30 Days of Kink" project here, but I'm not sure if anyone would actually be interested in reading that junk.  :P  I dunno, I don't have much to say here.  Master and I had a nice little play session last night, though as usual still no marks or welts afterwards.  I NEVER bruise no matter what we do or how hard we try.  I have no idea what I'm doing wrong.  Halp? :/  I never bruise in general, so I know it's not just him or something he's "not doing right".  The only thing I can think of that gave me a bruise within the last 5 years was having an IV jammed into my forearm for about 12 hours while I was having surgery/in the recovery room.  Not even the area where the SURGERY was had bruising... JUST where the needle had been sitting for some hours.  I amaze myself. *sigh*  Any advice?  It's weird, because I'm deathly pale.  Everyone else I know with pale skin (and usually still not as pale as I am) bruises at the drop of the hat.  Me?  You can apparently cut me open and I still won't mark.  Damn.

Again, any tips or techniques that might actually leave a mark on my freakish skin would be appreciated. xD  That's not what this post was meant to be about, but that's what popped out of my brain.  I'll be back to having decent posts next week, I swear.


Tuesday, October 5, 2010


*sweeps my last post under the rug* Now that THAT is over with.... *sigh*  Sometimes I make myself insane and I can't stand it.  There was a huge blow-up between Master and I about 2 days after I posted that... we were both hysterical, but I blame myself for starting it.  Yet... in a way, that resolved things.  Maybe sometimes what we need is a good screaming match.  Despite the fact that I have some lingering insecurities over the situation (and in how it was handled by the both of us), I'm also sort of... reassured.  Master saw me in a very dark place.  Perhaps not the darkest I've ever been, but much stranger than what he is used to seeing.... and he's still here.  He still loves me.  I don't know how or why, but there it is.  I'm grateful for that.

On the brighter side of things, it's fucking OCTOBER.  Fall weather is finally settling in and I'm loving it.  The cool air, the leaves, that... "smell" that the air takes on when it's perfectly crisp - even in the mid-afternoon.  It's glorious.  The only problem is that since Daylight Savings Time isn't over yet, Master and I wake up in the dark... but that'll be changed soon enough.  I'm normally a winter person, but this weather is so gorgeous and makes me so happy.  I'm excited for more.

I have a lot going on right now.  Next week will be extremely busy, much more so than this one.  I'm trying to get some of next week's work done now so that I won't be as incredibly busy, but I'm a procrastinator at heart so we'll see how that goes, lol.  Our anniversary is looming and I'm still at a loss as far as gifts go.  I think he is too.  We have a lot of bills coming too, which is making things hard.  I'm thinking we might go giftless at this point. :P Or maybe exchanging "IOUs" to be cashed in when we're less strapped for cash, lol.  What I would REALLY love is impossible because we can't afford it... but I'd love to go out to the coast and stay in a hotel or a little cottage by the beach.  Just for one night, maybe too.  Both of us - all alone - together with the ocean and just far enough away from home to leave those issues behind for a little while...... I would really love that.

Eh... maybe someday, right?  Slaves can dream too, don't tell me we can't. :P