Tuesday, October 26, 2010

Day 3 of 30...

Day 3: How did you discover you were kinky?


When I first heard about bondage/BDSM-type activities, they mostly just scarred/offended me.  But that was because of how I was introduced to the concept.  The girl I learned of these activities from was (and still is a good friend).  We were in our early teenage years.  In those days, we were both writers of fiction in a way.  We would use each other to sound out ideas, etc.  She was always writing these bondage stories, where the bottom was a non-consenting victim.  Stolen, trapped, and taken advantage of violently and repeatedly.  There was no romance in these stories, just a sadist and his victims (male or female).  I wasn't a fan of hearing about these ideas.  It mostly just disturbed me.  Occasionally, the sadist WOULD love his victims and that just threw me off even more.  HOW could you do this to someone you love?  That's fucked up, man!

I didn't understand that there was actually a way for the person receiving this treatment to derive enjoyment out of it as well.  They never did in my friend's stories, and that was the only source of information I had at the time.  I later figured out that these stories were her therapy for something that had happened to her, but that's a different story and it's not mine to tell.  I didn't know people could (or would) consent to this type of activity.  Anyway, that's why I thought BDSM was insane when I first heard about it.  I didn't understand masochists.  I didn't understand that I WAS a masochist.  I didn't realize that I was an emotional masochist at the time.  I didn't realize that it wasn't much different from those "crazy people who enjoyed physical pain".  I ESPECIALLY didn't know I was one of those crazy people.

By the time I met Master, I was still wary of BDSM.  I was scared to relinquish control.  I was afraid of pain and the feelings that came with it.  He and I were friends for more than half a year before we started dating, and he had expressed that he would not ever be in a relationship with a woman where he wasn't the one in charge.  I chalked this up to macho-man talk and ignored it.  :P  No one could tame me, so he'd be SOL if he was ever interested in me.  Well, when he DID become interested in me, I wasn't particularly concerned with who was in charge.  I just knew we had feelings for each other and it didn't particularly matter to me who was in charge.  At first, I thought "Alright, I'll let him play boss.. it doesn't matter to me if he thinks he's in charge.  I like running the show behind the scenes anyway".  Oh.  How wrong THAT was.

Our eventual evolution into M/s was complicated.  Or at least, it's complicated to me because I didn't even sense that it was happening.  Master eased me into his kinks.  I was willing to try.  Then I realized... I liked it.  Sometimes I felt like I liked it more than even he did. xD  He opened me.  Sexually, emotionally, spiritually.  I had been closed off to the world (remember what I said earlier about being an emotional masochist?) for so long.. shut tight, locked up.  But he opened me no problem.  He did it without my knowledge.  Stealthy bastard!  But I thank him for it... I'm happier because of it, better off because of it.

Whenever I tell this story there are always missing pieces.  But.. there you have it.  I knew I was kinky when Master told me I was.  And hey.. he was right.


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