Sunday, October 24, 2010

Day 1 of 30...

Day 1: Dom, sub, switch? What parts of BDSM interest you?  Give us an interesting, in-depth definition of what that means to you.  Basically, define your kinky self for us.


I'm pretty sure if you're here, you know I identify as a slave.  I sort of touched on why/how in my previous post.. or rather, on touched on how I don't know why or how. xD Either way...

I didn't always identify as a slave.  I thought I was "just a sub".  I put that in quotations because I don't want to be told I'm implying that being a slave is somehow "better" than a submissive.  Frankly, I don't really care what other people choose to do for themselves.  They can do whatever they please.  I'm talking about me here.  In any event, I didn't think I was a slave.  I (mistakenly) thought I still maintained some autonomy.. I (mistakenly) thought that surely he didn't own me.  He was my Master, but I wasn't a slave.... naw.  That'd be crazy.  I mean, me?  A slave?  *laughs nervously* >_>;;

Master is an interesting fellow.  He had gotten me to submit to him without me even really realizing it.  I had agreed, of course.  But I hadn't acknowledged my own "progress".  I just wasn't aware of it.  It still amazes me how he could have me so far under his control without me even realizing it.  I fought it, I struggled... which is probably why I didn't think I had become any more submissive.  Yet, I was being lead further and further down the rabbit hole without even realizing what was going on.  By the time I figured it out, it was too late.  There isn't a way back up now.  Sometimes (again, mentioned in previous post "When I Say Us..") the reality frightens me.  I do find it reassuring though, for the most part.

I love being Master's slave.  I don't think I could do this with anyone else.  On a fetlife thread, a question was posed asking if we would seek out "this type of relationship" (whatever it is you may be doing, though it was in the O/p group) again, if it somehow ended with our present partner.  I can't stand to think about it, but I know I wouldn't go looking again.  I could never submit to anyone but Master.  I won't and simply can't.  Maybe to some that makes me less of a slave.  Again - I am not a "natural born" submissive.  I do need this.  I need to submit to him, even when it's hard for me.  But I can't get it from anyone else but him.  Therefore, I kneel only before him (yay cliches).

I think he likes it that way.  There is something satisfying for him, knowing that I walk around taking shit from no one all day, yet I'm home waiting for him each day eager to serve and to please him.  I dunno, I can't really define my slavery or my "kinky self".  I'm not sure anyone really can.  It's very much a part of who I am.  I know it satisfies me, I know I need/crave it, and I know (above all else) it pleases Master.  I'd do anything to please him.. that's really my main goal in all of this.  I just want him to be happy.  He deserves it.


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