Wednesday, October 27, 2010

Day 4 of 30...

Day 4: Any early experiences that, in retrospect, hint at your kinks?


This post is going to be short for two reasons. 1 - I am sick.  Very sick.  It is my reward for taking care of Master while he was sick. :P 2 - I don't have a lot to say about this prompt, unfortunately.

I can't think of anything specific that happened.  My father was/is an alcoholic lunatic with extreme control and anger issues.  Maybe that has something to do with it.  I didn't respond to it the way most people do, though.  When I was in counseling, my shrink told me she was amazed that I was so "high functioning".  Maybe I was just lucky, I dunno.  That's the only thing that seems relevant in my past, but it's so fucking cliche.  Girl has daddy issues, girl grows up going RAWR I HATE MEN, I R UNTAMABLE GRRR, girl meets obnoxious man, girl loves obnoxious man, girl becomes slave to obnoxious man.....   Okay maybe it isn't THAT cliche, but it seems like a stereotype in the BDSM world.  (Btw Master, you know I don't think you're obnoxious anymore, right?  Only sometimes! *nods and runs away before the paddles and slappers come out*)  It seems like we're all damaged goods.  I hate being a part of that BDSM stereotype, that we all only like it because somethings is wrong with us.

I know it's not true.  I'm sure there are plenty of people in this lifestyle with no history of abuse.  Sadly, I've yet to meet any. :/ (If you're out there, PLEASE comment and make me feel better lol)  Again, I hate perpetuating that label.. the assumption that anti-kinks use: "Oh, well if it weren't for social conditioning and abuse and other fucked up shit, no one would possible be into that!"  Maybe they're right.  I like to hope not, but maybe there is something to that.  Frankly, I don't really... care.  I don't consider my relationship with Master therapy.  It doesn't fix my issues, only I can fix my issues.  I'm sorry, they can't be fucked out of me or beaten out of me.  I've got to do it myself.  Therefore I don't think of my relationship (or my "kinks) as a product of my upbringing.  It's simply what I am attracted to and I don't think its origins are relevant.

Some people might call that putting my head in the sand, which is fine.  I'm a shrink-in-training, it's not like it's a possibility I'm unaware of.  It just.. isn't something I think about.  And wanna know what?  As I age and grow, and as my "issues" abate... I get MORE kinky.  I get MORE into my relationship to Master, more dedicated because it gets easier to trust and to release.  I lose the fear that my childhood instilled in me.  So suck on that, stereotypes. :P


Note: This was one of those "tangential" responses I mentioned might happen in my initial "30 days" post.  I might add to this later when I feel less like dying.  If you have comments or questions, feel free to leave them here.


  1. There isn't a human being on the planet that isn't "damaged goods" to some extent. Kinky, Vanilla, clueless, or smart, everyone has some kind of relational dysfunction.
    I think you hit on a key truth... "the more my issues abate...I get more kinky". Perhaps this is a BDSM stereotype because the bulk of kinky people have or are actively working through their issues, and are more capable of trust, and more cognizant of the importance of good communication.

    That's my rant, and I'm sticking to it.

  2. I agree with you, Kelly. In some ways, we've all been "abused". You may also be right that it's a stereotype because we're more open people (in general, not always).. I hadn't considered that. :)

    Now, to fix all the typos in this post. Ahh, what illness does to one's brain..