Tuesday, October 19, 2010

When I Say "Us", I Mean "Him"...

Well, not only am I late, but I'm lacking in material I'm afraid.  Master and I had our anniversary this past Sunday (October 17), which was very nice for the both of us.  Strangely, I was made to try wax play for the first time.  I know that seems like a weird thing to have not done for so many years (especially given all our other strangeness), but things happen when they happen I suppose.  I did enjoy it, though it took some getting used to.  It's a different sensation than the usual type of play Master and I do... it didn't hurt quite so badly as some other things, but it hurt differently and burning/hot shit scares me.  My skin burns easily, I've had bad experiences with being burned... so the idea always scared me.  But he wanted to, so I let him.  He even tried it on himself first, which I thought was really endearing.  He didn't have to, of course.. but I did appreciate it, even knowing that his skin is tougher than mine is.  I liked it.  I want to do it again... I always love when he makes me try new things, even if I'm opposed to the idea at onset.  Sometimes you really don't know what you like until you give it a shot.

Ah, now onto other things I suppose.  Sorry for the lack of a long, slow, sensual description of our exploits but... after all, anniversaries are private affairs, ne? :P Anyway, the post I keep wanting to put up (but procrastinating) is sort of a ramble about... well, why did I agree to being a slave?  Why/how did I choose this?  It's a complicated rant (which is why I keep putting it off), so maybe I'll just go for an abridged version for now...

I wasn't born a submissive.  The idea of submission used to make my stomach turn and sometimes, it still does.  I am a dominant person.  I take shit from no one, I lead, I'm assertive, and if you get in my way - so help you.  Some people claim to be "natural submissives" or slaves or whatever.... not me.  I was not born to serve.  I am a very compassionate person, and I like to see people happy... but I'm just not a person with natural submissive tendencies.

Master thinks I am.  Maybe I am.  It's confusing, because I don't think he implanted this into me.  It does seem that he's uncovered something that was already there, but it was far below the surface.  Sometimes it still is.  I still have days where I'll think "Fuck this.  Fuck you.  I'm not doing this, I don't have to." and I fight it, and I fight him.... and he's still there and somehow I'm still listening to him, if not without difficulty.  Those days are much fewer and farther between than they used to be, but they still happened. It was hard for me to get where I am today, and I don't even think I've made much progress.  He thinks I have, I suppose that's all that matters.  But he doesn't know how fucking hard it was for me.  How much I had to work, claw, scratch, sweat, bleed......... It goes so far against my natural grain. So why do I want it?

I have no God damned idea.  I know it makes me happier than anything else does.  It makes him happy too, which can only make me happier.  I have no idea why though.  I used to fight with it.  A lot.  I felt that it went against everything I am, everything I stand for.  I felt like I was losing myself in him.  Sometimes I think I did lose myself in him... I used to be so independent, now I feel co-dependent and pathetic on the occasion.  He's enveloped all my other desires.  I feel like everything else I do throughout the day when he is at work is just a way to occupy myself until I'm back with him again.  Sometimes, I really do get scared that I'm... not here anymore.  It's not me, it's us.  By us, I mostly mean him.  Anyone who has experienced this... feeling of being subsumed by their Master and tells you it didn't (or doesn't occasionally) scare the hell out of them is full of shit.  Or at least, that's my opinion.

It doesn't hurt.  It's quite pleasant.  He's always there, to lift me, support me, love me.. but still.  No one ever said a good thing couldn't be scary.


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