Friday, October 29, 2010

Day 6 of 30...

Day 6: Describe your weirdest/most interesting sexual fantasy.


First, let me apologize to you, dear readers who might be here.  I am not... into this post today.  I am still sick, and there were a lot of problems today that I'm too tired to talk about.  Maybe in a later post when I feel less shitty about it.  I'll try to answer this questions for now, though I apologize for the lack of erotic enthusiasm.

I don't think it's "weird" or "interesting", but my most prominent fantasies are all about rape.  I tend to feel guilty over this, because I know rape victims who have experienced some of the things that I "fantasize" about and it has ruined their lives.  That's why, if I stop and think about my motivations for too long, I get overwhelmed by guilt.  Why should I have these fantasies about something that, should it ever really come to pass, would break me?  It's strange.  But!  In my fantasies, it is always Master.  He might be pretending to be a stranger or someone other than himself.. but it's still him.

Perhaps that speaks to something.  Is the rape representative of some sort of.. urge to be over-taken by him?  Maybe.  It's not like it doesn't happen on a regular basis.  He takes over every part of my life in ways he doesn't comprehend.  Sometimes it frustrates me because he doesn't realized the extent of the damage he can cause with a simple action or statement.  In a way, it's a bit like emotional rape.  I can't hide things.  I have no safety.  I am exposed to whatever he wants to expose me to - whether it be despair or euphoria.  There isn't a way to avoid it.

So perhaps that's the origin of the desire for sexual rape.  It's a physical manifestation of what I already signed up for, what I already can't avoid.  It may not be my most mysterious/weird/wtf fantasy, but it is one I think about a lot.  I want to be over powered and forced.  I want to be an object and a play-thing.  I want to be a nothing... sometimes he does make me feel like nothing, even without meaning to.  That's (what I think) the hard part about slavery is.  The scary part?  He doesn't even know he's doing it.


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