Thursday, June 24, 2010

A Long Ramble After A Long Time

So. Here we are then. i have a few things bubbling in my head. One of them is an issue from a few weeks ago, but I feel like it's too old and that the scabs have healed too much to really talk about it again. It was also essentially non-slavery or BDSM related, so I guess that makes it a separate issue.

Onto today. i was reading through a very wonderful woman's blog (kaya at Under His Hand) and it got me thinking... slavery is hard. Srsly. i know this isn't exactly a novel concept and i know i'm no pioneer on the subject, but honestly.. i don't usually think about it, so it feels a bit new to me. It's HARD for me to fall into it. Frankly, i feel like i kind of suck at it actually. If Master were here, He would talk about how it is partly his fault for often being too busy or tired to properly train and maintain me, but this post is about me so i will try to keep His voice out of my head and keep His issues separate. xD

A lot of slaves sit around and talk about how it comes "naturally" to them. They love being submissive, thrive in it, are lost and flailing without the guidance and security, etc. Here's the rub. It doesn't fucking come naturally to me at all. It goes against everything i ever believed in about myself, it goes against my personality, it just... sounds so backwards when i try and say it out loud. Yet, i want it. i want it very badly. If i didn't have it with Master, i would always feel like something was missing. i wouldn't be happy at all.

Yet, there is this part of me (a large part, if i'm honest) that just loves being independent and doing exactly as i please. Sometimes, when i have to go away from Master for several weeks or a month, a part of me feels a bit relieved. As in, "Awesome. i get to do things how i did them before. MY way. i can do whatever i want". And it seems pretty damn awesome for a while. Obviously i miss him terribly and that makes it less enjoyable, but still. i am naturally stubborn and i was raised to walk my own path. It's who I am.

So then, when i return to Master, there is always a sort of.. hesitation. Reluctance feels like too strong of a word, because i'm not *really* reluctant to be subservient to Him, but there is a pause for me. A re-adjustment period where i have to get used to the fact that, once again, i am not really my own person and i can't simply do what i please. It's confusing, sometimes. And not without difficulty. This isn't to say i don't like it, it's just.. hard. It's tough for me to explain, so i'm sorry.

I think I just need a firm hand, careful guidance, and patience. i'll get there someday. It's just hard for me to reconcile logically sometimes. Right now, i'm actually really excited to get into learning again. Somewhat apprehensive, and a little scared... but i'm excited.