Tuesday, September 27, 2011

"Sub Space"

Sometimes, I don't even believe that it exists.

That's at least one of my BDSM-related secrets. :P  To me, it seems like some giant thing that everyone is always talking about... get caned? Go into subspace.  Flogged? Subspace!  Paddled?  Whipped?  That'll earn you an all-expenses-paid trip to SUBSPAAAAAAACE! :D

I know, I know - I'm being tongue in cheek.  It doesn't bother me to see or hear people talk about it and it the topic isn't nearly as prolific as I'm making it out to be.  Yet, sometimes I feel like I'm missing out on something.  It's as if it's some lovely, magical thing that I simply can't grasp.  It sure sounds pleasant from what I've heard of it, but... honestly, sometimes I find myself doubting whether the phenomenon actually occurs or if it's just something people natter about on the occasion.

I seriously doubt that it's some giant, collective lie that everyone is all wrapped up in.  That would be paranoid of me, wouldn't it? :P Still, I would like to know what everyone is talking about... And I have taken my fair share of beatings and had my fair share of marks.  Sure, there are people far more extreme than Master and I... yet, I know of people who are less "extreme" that slip into sub space all the time.  I'm envious!  I want to know!

Maybe it's a conscious thing.  Maybe I'm just not "letting go" enough.  I have a hard time letting go, though.  When I go quiet, Master turns up the heat.  Turning up the heat knocks me out of any kind of "floaty" space and I go back into the fire... etc.  You can see how this goes on.  It's interesting, and I certainly am not complaining about the treatment I get (hehe).  But I really would love to let myself go into subspace...

Sorry this post is so poorly constructed, I was writing this and doing about 50 things at once.  But I wanted to get it out while the issue was still in my head.

Is it something that I'm blocking?  Or is it possible that it just doesn't happen for some of us...?  Opinion time!  Tell me what you thinks. (yes.  what you thinkS. :P)


Friday, September 23, 2011

What do you get...?

What do you get the man to whom you've already given everything?

I'm struggling with this question.  You see, our 7 year anniversary is less than a month away.  He'll have work "day of", but the day before is free for both of us as of now...  I'm pondering what to get him, what to do for that day.. he may have ideas of his own, but I'd like to offer up something in case he doesn't.  Our budget is quite limited, which makes things a little harder - but you really don't need money to give a good gift or to have a good day.

Any suggestions? xD  Not that I'll steal your ideas out-right (he'd know if I did, wouldn't he?), but I'll take a bit of inspiration if you've got it. Hehe...


Tuesday, September 20, 2011

Moar Safeword Chatter

So, I read this post by lil earlier this morning (which lol-ariously, was inspired by this post at Finding my Submission... I'm sensing an INSPIRATION CHAIN) which started me thinking on the old safeword subject.  Because you know... we haven't already beaten this little piece of theory to death or anything.

I had a safeword, way back in the beginning.  Before we had taken the plunge into any kind of power dynamic.  There wasn't any M/s, maybe the buddings of D/s.. but mostly just a man who wanted to smack his woman and a woman who thought that sounded like a dandy idea. :P  So there was that safeword.  In the initial stages, I wasn't actually pushed to the point of even thinking about the safeword.  By the time it was something that might be.. relevant? the option had already disappeared.  We've never formally spoken about its disappearance... but I know the option is long gone at this point.

And honestly, I don't know what I think about that.  I don't criticize those who use them and I don't criticize those who don't.  I've long since stopped being concerned about the way other people go about practicing their kinks.  It is what it is.  But I can be concerned about the way I practice (or rather, the way I am made to practice) ... right?  I just wonder about it sometimes, I suppose.

Master is pretty good at reading me when he's hurting me.. which is sort of weird, because in general, he's pretty terrible at reading my mind (I love you! <.< It's okay that you aren't psychic).  Maybe he's just better at reading my body, because I seem to be pretty good at giving physical cues.  But sometimes, I think the need for him to be alert and reading me prevents him from fully enjoying himself.  On some level, he still seems to be concerned about totally letting go and just relishing in my position as an object.  Maybe it's because he isn't as sadistic as he thinks he is.  Maybe it's because he's afraid he won't be able to turn it off again.  Maybe it's because he loves me.  Probably all of those things, and more.

So sometimes, I feel like our lack of a safeword can be a detriment to him because he seems to be that much more focused on keeping me safe.  But on the other hand, I think if he did let himself go fully... the safeword wouldn't matter anyway.  It would be met with "lawl, that's cute. no." and onward we'd be marching...

Now, some might argue that a top/master/dom/whatever isn't supposed to fully let go.  That it is their job to keep themselves controlled and in check.  Yet, part of me wants him to feel like he can do that do me. As sick as it is, I want him to know how badly he could hurt me... what he could do to me... and that I would still love him all the same.  But to be honest, there is a part of me that fears him uncontrolled.

I've had tastes of it before.

And to be honest...? It does scare me.  I maybe shouldn't say that where he'll read it (Hi zelda, TOO LATE!).  It's something I want to experience, yet, like him, I'm afraid it won't be able to turn off again.  I didn't used to worry about it, but I worry about it because HE worries about it.  I trust him, but it sometimes seems like he doesn't trust himself.. that can be confusing for a slave.

Maybe this post is less about safewords than I thought.  But it still got me wondering if we'll ever take that plunge into the wild blue...


Saturday, September 17, 2011

"I am a Clinical Sexologist"

How awesome would THAT be to say?  I wish. xD  But, I do know of one woman who can actually say that.  Her name is Dr. Charley Ferrer and she is participating in an interview event with Eden Fantasys.  She has written numerous books (including The Latina Kama Sutra, El Kama Sutra Latino, Para La Mujer Sensual {that's "For the Sensual Woman" for you non-spanish speakers! Who says high school language courses don't come in handy?}, The Passionate Latina: In Our Own Words, and The W.I.S.E. Journal for the Sensual Woman).

I encourage you to read a bit about her at the link I've provided.  This woman's CV/resume is pretty darn awesome, if I do say so myself.  You can check out the questions and answers received so far here (scroll to the bottom).  I've really enjoyed reading the ones that have been answered so far.  I have found her answers to be insightful and informative.  I love discussion and this woman certainly has a good head on her shoulders!  She did previously work as a college professor.  You can ask a question for yourself too!  Those who ask Dr. Ferrer's top three favorite questions will received BDSM toy prizes from Eden Fantasys.  Asking is all you have to do to enter!

The interview only runs until September 19th (that's today, tomorrow, and Monday!), so get your questions in if you have any.  I haven't asked any questions yet myself, but I am planning on it.  Check it out if you have time!  It really is a neat event.


Friday, September 16, 2011

100th Post

I've been posting for just under 2 years now (1 year, 11 months).  This post marks my 100th.  I think most people usually reach this milestone much sooner than I did, but I'm okay with that.  My own pace works just fine for me, after all. :)

I wanted to thank those who left me such supportive comments after my last post.  I needed it.  I really, really appreciate you all reaching out. <3 So thank you for that.

And thank you, too, to those of you who have decided to read me.  Walk with me.  Run with me.  Frequently Occasionally fall down with me...  In particular, I wanted to thank our resident Naughty Monkey, who I believe was the first person to ever comment on any of my posts.  And she is still here too! xD That takes a strong stomach man, so thank you.  Also, kaya because she has been a large inspiration for my blogging.  And to all of you.  I have several regular drop-ins (KlilmouseGiggling Bunny, etc. {I do hope I'm not forgetting anyone}) who I deeply appreciate.  But I am sure there are many more of you whose names I do not know, even if you do read here.  And I am grateful to you too.

Of course, there is Master to thank.  He's my gravity, like my own personal sun keeping me in orbit.  I love you.  And thank you for coming with me on this journey... thank you for creating this journey for me, for us. ...I think I am making it sound like it's ending. xD Naturally, it's not.  But I wanted to say thank you for what's happened so far.  This blog is just under 2 years old.  And "we" are just under 7 now.  I wonder what we'll be like in 7 more years.  I can't wait to know... but of course, I'm in no rush to get there. ;)

I can only wonder what the next 100 posts will hold for us.

Thank you for walking with me.


Wednesday, September 14, 2011


I've been neglecting you again, dear blog.  Part of the reason is just that I've been busy and tired.  The other reason is that I've been getting beaten to a pulp.  Unfortunately, I'm talking about the sexy kind of beating either... mine is emotional and mental.  And as I'm sitting here thinking about this and starting to write, I'm beginning to feel exactly how tired and exhausted I really am...

There have been quite a few upsets in my neck of the woods lately.  The very least of which was an.. acquaintance (I know him better than I would I say I know "most acquaintances", I know him better than I want to, but I do not consider this person to be a friend) having a sort of mental breakdown over the weekend.  *chuckles* Don't worry though, the entire thing was nothing more than an elaborate ruse to get as many people paying attention to him as possible.  I'm just glad I saw it for what it was in the beginning before I got as involved in it as my other friends did.  I suppose an education in psychology isn't entirely impractical, is it?  Still, the repercussions of that are still echoing off the walls of my social sphere and I find it unpleasant.  It just makes me want to isolate myself even more.

Master and I hit a bump last weekend.  It was a big bump.  It was a fucking scary bump.  And it wasn't an attractive-in-hindsight, taking me to the next level, BDSM bump either.  It was just life.  New plans clashing with old plans that had been laid down for quite a few years now...  I'm not a fan of the curve balls "life" like to throw.  I don't think most people are.  Again, I'm exhausted just thinking about it.  It was upsetting, painful, and rattling for us both.  I was not a fan... but I guess it needed to be dealt with.  I'm not going to go into any more detail about it.  There is more I could say, but I'm not sure I'm in the right head space to do that right now anyway.

On the BDSM front, things are feeling...... well, they feel neglected.  "On the back burner", so to speak. We're just both SO DAMN BUSY and we're both SO DAMN TIRED.  It's like there isn't room.  But, I know I am not the only one who has struggled with this.  And as other before me have said, I am still his slave - whether he is ordering me to kneel and suck his cock or he is ordering me to lay in bed with him and let him stroke my hair.  And I'll be honest right now... I do crave that "negative attention" that I think all slaves get an inch for.  But I also feel so fragile and frail right now that I sort of like knowing that I am going home to comfort and security. >_> No, I'm not turning vanilla... I'm just going through a lot of shit right now.

I think Master is too.


(Sorry this post was such a downer and so uninteresting.  This is my 99th post... I'd like to do something at least a little special for #100.  Thanks for sticking with me.  All of you. *hugs*)

Thursday, September 1, 2011

Gryffindor at Heart

I am a Harry Potter fan.  I am unashamed to admit this.  I found a VERY good sorting quiz based on Personality Theory (my fellow psychologists should feel their ears perking up at the mention of a familiar phrase about now) that I thought I'd share.. you know, in case any of my readers are closet nerds too. :P

The sorting hat says that I belong in Gryffindor!

Said Gryffindor, "We'll teach all those with brave deeds to their name."

Students of Gryffindor are typically brave, daring, and chivalrous.
Famous members include Harry, Ron, Hermione, Albus Dumbledore (head of Hogwarts), and Minerva McGonagall (head of Gryffindor).

Take the most scientific Harry Potter
ever created.

Get Sorted Now! 

My detailed results were:
Gryffindor - 99
Ravenclaw - 89
Hufflepuff - 85
Slytherin - 57

I've always considered myself of sort of "Gryffin-claw" hybrid, so these results make sense to me.  ALthough that 99 is a WEIRDLY high score. O_o But it's a neat test, even if it's a bit lengthly.  Master is a Slytherin... but then, aren't they all? LOL, only kidding.  Still, we make an odd pair, we do... ;)

(And for those wondering?  I didn't get into trouble yesterday.  Actually, I think he was sort of proud.. puzzling.)