Moar Safeword Chatter

So, I read this post by lil earlier this morning (which lol-ariously, was inspired by this post at Finding my Submission... I'm sensing an INSPIRATION CHAIN) which started me thinking on the old safeword subject.  Because you know... we haven't already beaten this little piece of theory to death or anything.

I had a safeword, way back in the beginning.  Before we had taken the plunge into any kind of power dynamic.  There wasn't any M/s, maybe the buddings of D/s.. but mostly just a man who wanted to smack his woman and a woman who thought that sounded like a dandy idea. :P  So there was that safeword.  In the initial stages, I wasn't actually pushed to the point of even thinking about the safeword.  By the time it was something that might be.. relevant? the option had already disappeared.  We've never formally spoken about its disappearance... but I know the option is long gone at this point.

And honestly, I don't know what I think about that.  I don't criticize those who use them and I don't criticize those who don't.  I've long since stopped being concerned about the way other people go about practicing their kinks.  It is what it is.  But I can be concerned about the way I practice (or rather, the way I am made to practice) ... right?  I just wonder about it sometimes, I suppose.

Master is pretty good at reading me when he's hurting me.. which is sort of weird, because in general, he's pretty terrible at reading my mind (I love you! <.< It's okay that you aren't psychic).  Maybe he's just better at reading my body, because I seem to be pretty good at giving physical cues.  But sometimes, I think the need for him to be alert and reading me prevents him from fully enjoying himself.  On some level, he still seems to be concerned about totally letting go and just relishing in my position as an object.  Maybe it's because he isn't as sadistic as he thinks he is.  Maybe it's because he's afraid he won't be able to turn it off again.  Maybe it's because he loves me.  Probably all of those things, and more.

So sometimes, I feel like our lack of a safeword can be a detriment to him because he seems to be that much more focused on keeping me safe.  But on the other hand, I think if he did let himself go fully... the safeword wouldn't matter anyway.  It would be met with "lawl, that's cute. no." and onward we'd be marching...

Now, some might argue that a top/master/dom/whatever isn't supposed to fully let go.  That it is their job to keep themselves controlled and in check.  Yet, part of me wants him to feel like he can do that do me. As sick as it is, I want him to know how badly he could hurt me... what he could do to me... and that I would still love him all the same.  But to be honest, there is a part of me that fears him uncontrolled.

I've had tastes of it before.

And to be honest...? It does scare me.  I maybe shouldn't say that where he'll read it (Hi zelda, TOO LATE!).  It's something I want to experience, yet, like him, I'm afraid it won't be able to turn off again.  I didn't used to worry about it, but I worry about it because HE worries about it.  I trust him, but it sometimes seems like he doesn't trust himself.. that can be confusing for a slave.

Maybe this post is less about safewords than I thought.  But it still got me wondering if we'll ever take that plunge into the wild blue...

*~zelda...