Day 17 of 30...

Day 17: What misconceptions about kinky people would you most like to clear up?

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This question kind of made me laugh.  I don't know about misconceptions... but there are some stereotypes that sort of irk me.

For one thing, we aren't insane.  I think it's odd when people decide to blame sexual kinkiness on some type of psychological issue.  It's not in the DSM, people.  Leave it alone.  You don't have to be a lunatic to enjoy pain or power dynamics or anything else kink related.  I don't deny that I have some issues, but I'm just saying - being kinky isn't a symptoms of any mental disorder.  I study this shit for a living.  I promise.

Hmm, here's another.  We're not all professional Dominatrices, Doms, slaves, submissives, etc.  Some vanillas seem to think that we're all glorified prostitutes or something. OR the other misconception is that if you are into BDSM, you MUST be a swinger or poly.  I'm living proof that this isn't a vital aspect of kink. Sure, it is for some people.  Yay for them.  But just because someone is kinky, don't assume they have multiple sexual partners.  It irritates when people automatically assume this about Master and I (especially when we've made it clear we're not looking for play partners or anything else).  In order to avoid looking silly or being disrespectful... ask first, touch later.

Also, we're not always what we seem.  A slave or a submissive doesn't have to work as a librarian or in the service industry.  Some of us are giant tycoons and if you dare fuck with us, we will remove your limbs.  A lot of slaves have a zero-tolerance for bullshit.  I'm one of them.  Don't assume I'm a pleasant, ultra-feminine, fuck doll just because I'm someone's slave.  You will regret this.  Alternatively, not all Dominants go running around verbally assaulting people or pushing people around like dicks.  A lot of these people are quiet, reserved men.  You don't have to be an asshole to be a dominant.

Additionally, just because someone is a dom doesn't mean they are automatically a sadist or an abuser.  Same goes for slaves and subs - not all of 'em are masochists and even if they are, it doesn't mean they enjoy abuse.

Most importantly, remember kids - it's not abuse when you consent to it and you like it. :P  BDSM =/= abuse.  Sure, some unscrupulous people will use it for that purpose.  But don't make assumptions.  It makes us sad.

Those are the first stereotypes/misconceptions that popped into my head.  Feel free to mention more if you've got 'em!

*~zelda...

Day 16 of 30...

Day 16: What are the most difficult aspects of having a sexuality that involves kink or BDSM for you personally?

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Um... "difficult"?  I don't know if anything is really difficult.  It's difficult internally (goes against my nature for some weird reason, remember?) and sometimes I struggle with that.  But you've heard quite enough about that so I think I'll choose a different topic.

I know almost no one (personally) that is kinky.  I know a few people, but they all live out of state.. all old friends from waaaaay back in the day.  Strange how that works.  But, as far as our local pals go, I feel like we have to be somewhat secretive.  Not a lot, and not with most people.  Some friends know more than others.  Most are just fine with it or have no opinion.  I've had a few people get very fascinated with it and want to discuss it with me more, which I'm always happy to do.  But one particular snafu comes to mind...

Master and I were at a friend's house.. about 10 of us were over, playing video games and relaxing.  Nothing very exciting.  I was wearing my leather collar (which my friends had seen before), but Master also had me on a leash that day.  I didn't think it would matter.  These were my friends and there had been no other complaints.  Most people were like "har, I get it!" or just smiled in a knowing, amused fashion as my friends and I so often do. :P

However, I later found out that one fellow (the man who I knew the least well out of all those people) was somewhat perturbed by it.  He wasn't offended, but rather felt that it gave him some kind of.. "permission" to objectify me.  It was obvious from past incidents that this guy was attracted to me, but I mostly just shut him down and moved on.  It wasn't something that worried me.  But to hear that he took it as permission..?  I dunno, it pissed me off and it pissed off Master.  One of our less understanding pals mentioned to me that he could understand the thought process of our other friend... "collars are a symbol of objectification".  I disagree.  I don't think ownership equates to objectification in all cases, but I digress.

It's fine for Master to objectify me.  I am his.  But some other guy who we didn't even know very well just.. making these assumptions?  I later found out he exaggerated the story to other people, making it sound as if I showed up leashed more often than not and that Master and I were doing things in front of other people that made "even (the guy who never cares, name omitted)" "uncomfortable".  Which was false.  All false.  We never did anything out of the ordinary in front of people.  We're not touchy, grabby, make-out in public types.  Even when I was leashed, wanna know what we were doing?  Playing Mario Kart with other people. xD  Cause that's the MOST erotic experience two people can share, right?

It just felt disrespectful.  I didn't appreciate the weird rumors and lies either.  I later forgave this person, but still... I guess the point is, it's a shame kink is something so many people have to hide.  I don't feel like I need to conceal it.  However, I do now keep in mind that there are some people who just don't understand it.  Obviously this guy did not understand what a collar meant or what it is for.  It's tough to blame an ignorant person (though I did.. and I blamed him for the lies spread about me, but anyway :P).  All the same, it's a shame people can't be more expressive about who they are I suppose.

*~zelda...

Day 15 of 30...

Day 15: Post a BDSM/kink activity you're curious about and would like to try.

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Call me crazy.  I have no basis for wanting to try this.  If I think about it, I would probably hate it.  I don't know anyone personally who has tried this... but it calls to me.  The only thing stopping me?  Cost.

What I am talking about is a violet wand.  I have always wanted to try something like that... especially inside.  The idea of inserting an electrode and feeling the pulsations of current just sounds.. well, electrifying.  C'mon, you HAD to see that pun coming guys.  But more seriously.. it just sounds hot.

Of course, things often sound a lot hotter than they really are.  And a violet wand is an expensive investment in something that I might not even like.  I wish I knew someone local who owned one so that I could try it.  Meh... I'll keep dreaming. ;)

*~zelda...

Day 14 of 30...

Day 14: How would you say real life BDSM/kink differs from fantasy BDSM/kink?  If you haven't experienced BDSM/kink in real life, how do you think it might differ?

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This is something no one talks about for some reason, even though it's something that's quite important.  I'll try to answer this properly/not half-assed this time.  Though please remember, I'm speaking from an M/s, 24/7 point of view.  I'm also going to use male pronouns when referring to D-types.  Don't be offended, it's from MY point of view and (SURPRISE) I'm a woman owned by a man.

One of the most important things to remember is that there will be days when you just don't fucking feel like it.  There is going to be a hard cock being smacked against your face, you might be blindfolded and tied up, maybe a vibrator trapped inside you some place for a tease.... sounds pretty standard/attractive, right?  Yea, well.. sometimes you're going to be thinking "Fuck this, why am I here right now?".  But, you do it anyway because you love the sick bastard your Master.  Sometimes you will be expected to serve when you just aren't up for it.  Maybe Master will be nice and let you off the hook, and then again, maybe he won't.  Sometimes taking kink when you don't really want it can be tough (for those of you considering CNC).  It can border on damaging for some people, depending on what's going on.  It's just something have to consider.  But hey... sometimes it's hot to think about afterwards even if you aren't into it while it's happening.  You know you love being forced and taken advantage of... ;)

Or maybe you're being made to clean something gross in the bathroom, and you'll be thinking "Gee, this is neither erotic nor glamorous and it's CERTAINLY not something I saw in all those porn clips!  What's going on?".  That will happen.  It's called reality. :P It can be lame sometimes.  Not every task or service you perform will be sexy and satisfying.  A lot of the "tasks" I get from Master aren't sex-related, humiliating, etc... He'll want me to repair a database error on his website.  He'll want me to feed myself before he gets home.  Or he might just want me to lay out his pajamas for him so that he can be comfy right when he returns from work.  These are not generally things that make me aroused. xD  That's not to say I don't enjoy them.  I do like to help Master in ANY way that I can.  He's so self-reliant that helping him even a little feels like a real treat.  I'm just saying that my service doesn't always leave my quivering in anxious anticipation of orgasm.  (It happens.. but we're discussing fantasy/reality discrepancies, so we're focusing on that :P)

Another thing is that sometimes your Dom/Master/whoever isn't going to feel like it either.  Maybe he had a long day at work and all he wants is some food and to be allowed to relax.  I imagine it takes some energy to top someone.  Domly-types need their rest too.  It can be frustrating when you're prepped and ready to take anything they can throw at you but hey.. if you're understanding and give them the care and lurv they need, maybe they'll remember that the next time you don't feel like being fucked senseless. Maybe.  Maybe not.

Which leads me to another point - it isn't fair.  Period.  You probably thought about this at some point, but think about it more.  When he doesn't feel like it, you have to leave him alone.  You can't force him to top you.  When YOU don't feel like it, he's perfectly capable of making you submit.  In fact, it is his prerogative to do so.  You might be lucky and have a kind soul as your Master who will let you rest if you simply don't feel like it (Master has done this, though I usually only get out of it when I'm sick or something else is wrong with me).  But he doesn't have to.  There is a lot more that simply isn't fair... sometimes it really fucking sucks.  Sometimes you're going to be depressed about it.  And they cannot understand it because the "not fair" scales are always tipped in their favor.  They may know logically that you may be frustrated about the lack of apparent justice, but they'll never know how hard it really is. (Of course, the lack of fairness might very well be your aim.  That's what a power dynamic IS, after all. I'm just saying.. it isn't always easy.  It isn't always pleasant.  I would be lying to you if I said it was.)

Basically, BDSM can be hard.  I only mentioned a handful of things.  Ponder these and some others.  M/s isn't all fun and games... but we do some of that sometimes. xD

*~zelda...

Day 13 of 30...

Day 13: Explain as best you can what the appeal of kink/BDSM is to you.  Why are you drawn to what you're drawn to?

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I've basically discussed this already in my "Day 1" post.  The short answer is "I don't know".  I can tell you what I enjoy about my role as a slave, but as for WHY I enjoy those things?  It's all very nebulous.  I always feel weird trying to "explain" myself.  It feels like.. I dunno, why should I have to explain myself? :P  I might be somewhat impatient with this question right now because I feel like A - I've already answered this to some extent and B - I'm also overly busy right now.

Damn this post-a-day regimen.  I could come back and edit later, I suppose but... it would feel a little like cheating.  It's an issue I struggle with myself.  I enjoy finally being allowed to relinquish control and not worry so much.  That's one benefit, out of many.  But.. I like the things I like simply because I do.  I don't know WHY.  Why simply doesn't seem relevant to me.  Again, this is something else I've touched in a previous post (Day 4, early experiences that might point to kinks).  Hmm... perhaps this question is simply redundant at this point?

Or maybe I'm just frustrated because I'm tired.  I admit to this being a possibility.  I'm not shy about that. lol  Meh, again, maybe this will be revisited later under a different post.  I feel I've addressed this issue already, but if you want me to give a "proper" answer.. comment and let me know. :P

*~zelda...

Day 12 of 30...

Day 12: Tell us about a humorous BDSM/kink experience you've had.  If you haven't had one, talk about aspects of kink/BDSM you find funny.

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(Sorry for the posting delay.. I had written up these responses, but haven't had the ability to post them until now.  Sorry for that!)

I can't think of anything particularly humorous that we've been through.  We've had some funny moments trying things that we were both new at, I suppose.  One thing that comes to mind is Master trying to bind my wrists for the first time and watching as I repeatedly slipped out of the knots.  It wasn't that he couldn't tie them tight enough, but rather that he feared cutting off my circulation.  We were both in experienced at the time... I wasn't used to being restrained, he wasn't really used to restraining me. :P  It was somewhat comical at the time, though Master may remember it (if he does remember it) as more of a frustrating experience than a humorous one.

Um... a funny aspect of BDSM?  I'm not really sure.  This might be something I have to come back to later.. I mean, seriously just go on Fetlife for like 5 minutes.  There are a LOT of things on there that are comical...

*~zelda...

Day 11 of 30...

Day 11: What are your views on the ethics of kink?

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Ooo, I'm barely getting this post in today. xD

The ethics of kink. I mean… alright. I guess. This isn’t an issue I spend a lot of time thinking about. My ethics are probably different from those of other people. I tend to be fairly tolerant of people with different kinks (the same way I’m tolerant of differing political or religious views). But, like politics and religion, I have conditions. One: don’t tell me I’m an idiot for disagreeing with you. Two: don’t try to convert me or look down on me when I inform you that, although fascinating, your differing point of view has not enlightened me or changed my way of thinking.

It is the same with kink. For instance, I recognize that poly (which keeps coming up just because it’s a good, easy example) is great for some people. It isn’t something I’m interested in, it would upset me, and it’s just.. meh. Again, no matter how awesome it is for someone else, they aren’t going to “convert” me or make me change. There are very few “kinks” I take moral issue with. These things basically line up with the forbidden subjects listed fetlife Terms of Service, if you want to get an idea. I’d rather not even mention them in my blog, if that’s okay. I’m sure people can at least gather some idea of what I’m talking about here.

General ethics? Dude, I don’t know. I’m sure it would vary by person. For the most part, don’t abduct people without their permission I suppose. Get consent. And by that, I mean consent that is legal. The person must be of age. The person must not be mentally retarded or mentally unhealthy. The person must not be impaired (drunk, high, etc). If a person does not meet those criteria (of age, not mentally impaired, not impaired by a substance), the consent you might get from them does not count. It must be verbal or written. This is USA law, not me talking.

For those of us involved in TPE or “consensual non-consent” scenarios, I’m not suggesting we get or give consent every 8 seconds. Just that.. you know, maybe don’t agree to be someone’s property when you’re drunk. xD That’s all I’m saying. For the most part, as long as everyone is happy, I’m not that concerned with ethics. There are messier issues of course, but those will vary by situation.

For instance, I don’t think my Master would command me to get on my knees and suck him off while my mother is in town and having dinner with us. A – my mother didn’t “consent” to this little show and B – it would PROBABLY damage our relationship with her. Maybe some owners WOULD expect their slave to do that. Is that unethical? I dunno. It isn’t for me, but maybe the people involved with that owner don’t care as much. I mean, the above example is PROBABLY not a very likely scenario. I saw a thread on fet where a dude got all pissy because he had a rule that HE does all dishes, not the slave. At the slave’s parents’ home for dinner, they asked her to do the dishes and she obliged – listening to her family and disregarding her master’s freakish passion for doing dishes.

Is that unethical? Because omg, the parents didn’t consent to him doing the dishes and oh noooooooo. Again, I dunno. To these people, it might have been alright for her to disobey her family and let her master do the damn dishes. Maybe a blowjob at the dinner table wouldn’t be okay. Again, specific ethics vary.

Get consent and don’t do shit that is federally illegal. That’s really all I care about.

Day 10 of 30...

Day 10: What are your hard limits?

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First of all, YAY.  I'm one third of the way through.  Only 10 days in and this venture is actually quite exhausting.  Still, I'm determined to finish.  That aside, this post is going to be tricky for me and I will have to write it in fragments throughout the day (this is what happens when "busy day" meets "difficult prompt") so forgive me if the thinking is somewhat disjointed... as in, more so than usual. :P

In general, I don't really have limits.  I'll do anything Master wants me to do.  The both of us do have one hard limit though, and this was something we had agreed upon before we even fell into the universe of BDSM and M/s.  Monogamy.  No sharing.  Ever.  In any way, shape, or form.  Master is not interested in sharing and neither am I.  It simply wouldn't work for us.  This is the only thing that comes to mind when I think of a "hard limit" in the traditional sense.

But, in the same sense, we also have some other "hard limits" that most M/s and O/p couples have.  No de-limbing, for example.  Master likes me with all my limbs.  It pleases him that I have all my limbs.  I don't doubt that he would still love me if I lost one or more somehow, but why take them away if he likes them where they are?  Here-in exists the debate that pops up on fetlife every 8 seconds.

Are you still a "no limits" slave if your limits are your Master's limits?  People will frequently assert that the idea is to select a partner (read: D-type) with values that align nicely with theirs.  For instance, if slave A doesn't like the idea of losing her limbs then she should be careful to select a Master/Owner who ALSO doesn't like the idea of his slave losing limbs.  In this way, slave A avoids being subjected to situations she is uncomfortable with or opposed to on the basis that her Master is uncomfortable with/opposed to the same things.

But does that STILL mean you have no limits?  Really, slave A has limits, she's just put herself in a situation where those limits will never be pressed.  So she's free to say "I have no limits, I'll do whatEVER Master wants" knowing that she's being kept safely inside of Master A's box, well inside the realms of her limits.  Other people may claim they'd do whatever their Master told them, even if he one day woke up with a fetish for removing limbs or snuff.  I'm not sure I believe these people.

Personally, there are certain things that I know Master wouldn't ask me to do, but if he woke up a different person and suddenly wanted them, I'd still say no.  I don't have kids, but if I ever did have them injuring them or otherwise harming them would be out of the question 100%.  I wouldn't remove my own limbs.  You get the idea.  Maybe that means I'm not "twue" enough for some people.  Maybe I'm not hardcore enough for others. But, I please my Master and he calls me his slave so that is what I am.  Period.  He wouldn't like me very much if I were the kind of girl who would remove my limbs if he asked me to for no good reason.

So those are my some of my proverbial "hard limits", but as far as anything realistic between the two of us goes?  I'll do whatever he wants.  I'm not sure where I sit in terms of the limits argument.  Is it possible  to really have no limits?  I don't really know. :P Something to think about, I suppose.

*~zelda...

Day 9 of 30...

Day 9: Post a kink related song or music video you enjoy.

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Like my choice of image, this song is subtle in its kinky content.  Some people might not even notice it, and that's fine.  I enjoy this song because I feel it could go either way, as either a song from myself to Master or from Master to myself.  The music video is not at all relevant to the song content, but I'll post a youtube link so that you can hear it.  Here you are.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=R8OOWcsFj0U&ob=av2e

Undisclosed Desires - Muse

I know you've suffered
But I don't want you to hide
It's cold and loveless
I won't let you be denied

Soothe me
I'll make you feel pure
Trust me
You can be sure

I want to reconcile the violence in your heart
I want to recognize your beauty is not just a mask
I want to exorcise the demons from your past
I want to satisfy the undisclosed desires in your heart

You trick your lovers that you're wicked and divine
You may be a sinner
But your innocence is mine

Please me
Show me how it's done
Tease me
You are the one

I want to reconcile the violence in your heart
I want to recognize your beauty is not just a mask
I want to exorcise the demons from your past
I want to satisfy the undisclosed desires in your heart

Please me
Show me how it's done
Trust me
You are the one

I want to reconcile the violence in your heart
I want to recognize your beauty is not just a mask
I want to exorcise the demons from your past
I want to satisfy the undisclosed desires in your heart

*~zelda...

Day 8 of 30...

Day 8: Post a kinky image you find erotic.

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First, let me say that I am just not... a visual person.  It is very rare for an image alone to get me excited, which is why my choice of image may have most of you going "stfu, zelda!  That's not erotic!" and that's okay.  Second, although there are lots of nice pictures on places like fetlife, I don't want to take other people's pictures even if I DO give them credit.  I would simply feel strange about it.  Anyway, here is my chosen image.

Ha!  You wanted visible nude people, or cocks, or pins and needles, or ropes, didn't you? xD  Too bad, I suppose.  I'm not sure what the proper "title" for this piece is, nor am I sure where I found it.  It was just.. on my hard drive, from ages ago.  (If this is your picture, and you don't want me using it, just let me know.  I'm not profiting from this or taking any credit for it).

When I first saw this photograph, it took me a moment to realize that there was anything "unusual" about the image.  Whether that's a product of the chain's subtlety or my acceptance of the chain as ordinary (or both), I'm not sure.  But beyond the chain, I just love the stance this pair has - the posture is beautiful.  It reminds me of how Master can tower over me, when he so chooses.  Our proportions are similar to that of this model pair, the top of my head fits neatly under Master's chin when we embrace (I measure just under 5'6'', and he's somewhere around 6'1'' or 6'2'').

But it's more than just their relative proportions.  You can see his fist clenched around the chain, pressed tightly into his stomach.  He's drawing her in and holding her close, but it doesn't seem necessary.  She's there, quite willingly before him (or so it seems), gazing upward into his face longingly.  Longing to serve?  To touch?  To please?  The way his neck arcs forward, I can only imagine the looks he's giving her.  In my mind's eye, it strikes me as intense.  It's the kind of stare that bores into your soul and makes your heart feel naked and unclothed.  He doesn't need the chain to pull her in, his eyes have done that already as shows by the way the chain dangles loosely between them.  Despite her apparent bondage, I believe she is there willingly.

To me, submission is the deepest of loves... so is Ownership.

That's what I would call this picture, if it were mine: "Deepest Love".  Despite its lack of innate erotic energy, I think of this picture as erotically charged, if not electric.  And if it isn't erotic, I certainly think it's beautiful.

I think our relationship is beautiful, too, Master.

*~zelda...

Day 7 of 30...

Day 7: What's your favorite toy?

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First - do I need to say this post (and like 98% of this blog) are NSFW?  Well, if I do need to, there it is.  Anyway.

Well this post will probably be short, sweet and much more cheerful than my previous post (which really turned into kind of a downer, probably due to the weird mood I was/am in).  But man, what kind of toy are you asking about?!  Favorite bondage toy, sex toy, electronic gadget? xD  Ask Master - my all time favorite toy is his cock.. but that probably isn't what this prompt is about, is it? :P Har har.

I don't think I have a "favorite" as far as bondage goes.  I don't think of those.. things as mine.  Really, they're Master's toys since he's the one who uses them and plays with them.  I'm just along for the ride, which may or may not make me another toy of his.  It's up for debate.  Anyway, I am a big fan of sex toys so I'll try and describe/show you some of my favorite ones that I have and maybe a couple that I wish I had.

I have a rabbit that I like very much.  It's nice because it stimulates multiple areas and I don't have to do much aside from holding it there.  Something like this, I believe this is the one I own: here!  It's loud, but it pleases me plenty.  I don't live with anyone but Master so noise isn't really a concern for me.  Also, why the fuck does this light up?  Not sure what that's for, but it makes me laugh.  Don't worry - lights are optional. xD

I also own a lovely glass dildo that Master bought me ages ago.  It was actually my first real sex toy (you know, not my fingers or the end of a hairbrush? :P), so it has a bit of a special place in my cabinet. lol  I don't know if this is the exact item, but it looks just like this one.  It's listed as an anal probe, but I've only ever used this one vaginally.  I have loved it many time. xD  If you haven't tried glass, you should.  There is a lot you can do with a good glass tool, plus they feel amazing and they look beautiful.

Now we're going to get into a couple of items I wish I had.  First, a lelo product that I've been dying for. Here she is.  A bit like a rabbit.  I have heard amazing things about Ina and I desperately want to try her. She's expensive, though.  But you can't stop me from dreaming. :P  If anyone has used this (or ANY lelo product, for that matter) please let me know what you thought of it!

The next one is a bit unusual.  It was advertised as the first ever "couple's vibrator", and it's now in its second edition.  The We-Vibe II.  Forgive the website, they're all hyped up about the new color options they just came out with lol.  But the idea is that you actually "wear" this while having vaginal intercourse.  I've heard different things from different people, but this is another toy I've been desperately wanting to try ever since I heard about it.  Again, if you have tried or used this product, let me know what you thought of it!

Hmm, returning to things I already own, I have a set of benwa balls that I like.  They're amazing for teasing.  Just enough to get me some sensation, but not enough for me to cum with their stimulation alone.  Which reminds me that lelo makes a type of benwa ball set called Luna Beads - yet another thing I've been pondering buying. :P

So, those are a few of my favorite things and a few toys I wish I owned.  If I ever obtain any of the items on my "wish list", I'll be sure to post up some reviews for anyone who is curious.  If you own any of them, tell me about it.  If anyone wants me to, I can ask Master what his favorite bondage toys are... but that might prompt a session where he uses them ALL on me to decide which one he likes best. >_> So think carefully before asking me this.

*~zelda...

Day 6 of 30...

Day 6: Describe your weirdest/most interesting sexual fantasy.

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First, let me apologize to you, dear readers who might be here.  I am not... into this post today.  I am still sick, and there were a lot of problems today that I'm too tired to talk about.  Maybe in a later post when I feel less shitty about it.  I'll try to answer this questions for now, though I apologize for the lack of erotic enthusiasm.

I don't think it's "weird" or "interesting", but my most prominent fantasies are all about rape.  I tend to feel guilty over this, because I know rape victims who have experienced some of the things that I "fantasize" about and it has ruined their lives.  That's why, if I stop and think about my motivations for too long, I get overwhelmed by guilt.  Why should I have these fantasies about something that, should it ever really come to pass, would break me?  It's strange.  But!  In my fantasies, it is always Master.  He might be pretending to be a stranger or someone other than himself.. but it's still him.

Perhaps that speaks to something.  Is the rape representative of some sort of.. urge to be over-taken by him?  Maybe.  It's not like it doesn't happen on a regular basis.  He takes over every part of my life in ways he doesn't comprehend.  Sometimes it frustrates me because he doesn't realized the extent of the damage he can cause with a simple action or statement.  In a way, it's a bit like emotional rape.  I can't hide things.  I have no safety.  I am exposed to whatever he wants to expose me to - whether it be despair or euphoria.  There isn't a way to avoid it.

So perhaps that's the origin of the desire for sexual rape.  It's a physical manifestation of what I already signed up for, what I already can't avoid.  It may not be my most mysterious/weird/wtf fantasy, but it is one I think about a lot.  I want to be over powered and forced.  I want to be an object and a play-thing.  I want to be a nothing... sometimes he does make me feel like nothing, even without meaning to.  That's (what I think) the hard part about slavery is.  The scary part?  He doesn't even know he's doing it.

*~zelda...

Day 5 of 30...

Day 5: What was your first kinky sexual experience?  If you haven't had one yet, talk about what you hope to have happen.

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My first "kinky" experience?  Man, I don't even remember.  Define kinky?  Using sex toys?  Spanking?  Bondage?  There was a slow build-up.. I'm not sure I really remember "the first time".

This is going to sound sketchier than it is, but Master and I were traveling and were staying in a hotel.  We had a bag full of toys, condoms, lubes, etc. - all for our private enjoyment.  But it wasn't the toys or even the sex that I remember.. it was being laid over his lap in the bed and spanked.  It wasn't hard, he didn't even really leave marks.. but I remember that it was the first time I was actually spanked, beyond little ass-slaps here and there.

We had talked about kinky sex before at this point, though it was before the "official" beginning of M/s - waaaaaaaaaay back in the day.  We lacked the equipment, though.  No rope, handcuffs, whips, chains.. nothing like that.  What we DID have was pink bondage tape (this link auto-shows black, but if you're REALLY interested, you can change the color using the drop-down menu on the page. :P It's neat stuff if you haven't tried it. Sticks only to itself!) and Master's hands.  I was taped in various ways... my wrists tied together, legs spread out and stuck to the bed posts, at one point he even made a little tube-top covering my breasts with the tape.. and being a 34G, that was no small feat!  Anyway, being restrained alone was very erotic to me.

But the spanking!  Being struck by him.. even though it wasn't rough enough to leave marks or have me throbbing for hours afterward..... I was wet.  I was so aroused by it.  Bent over his lap, totally helpless.. and just taking whatever came.  I didn't know how far he would push it, that was probably part of what made it so attractive.  Ironically, I don't remember much else about what we did that night on our trip.  I don't know if Master even remembers this at all.  Maybe he will if I remind him.  We did just buy some red bondage tape the other day that we haven't used yet.... maybe he'll remember if I jog his memory a bit. ;)

*~zelda...

Day 4 of 30...

Day 4: Any early experiences that, in retrospect, hint at your kinks?

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This post is going to be short for two reasons. 1 - I am sick.  Very sick.  It is my reward for taking care of Master while he was sick. :P 2 - I don't have a lot to say about this prompt, unfortunately.

I can't think of anything specific that happened.  My father was/is an alcoholic lunatic with extreme control and anger issues.  Maybe that has something to do with it.  I didn't respond to it the way most people do, though.  When I was in counseling, my shrink told me she was amazed that I was so "high functioning".  Maybe I was just lucky, I dunno.  That's the only thing that seems relevant in my past, but it's so fucking cliche.  Girl has daddy issues, girl grows up going RAWR I HATE MEN, I R UNTAMABLE GRRR, girl meets obnoxious man, girl loves obnoxious man, girl becomes slave to obnoxious man.....   Okay maybe it isn't THAT cliche, but it seems like a stereotype in the BDSM world.  (Btw Master, you know I don't think you're obnoxious anymore, right?  Only sometimes! *nods and runs away before the paddles and slappers come out*)  It seems like we're all damaged goods.  I hate being a part of that BDSM stereotype, that we all only like it because somethings is wrong with us.

I know it's not true.  I'm sure there are plenty of people in this lifestyle with no history of abuse.  Sadly, I've yet to meet any. :/ (If you're out there, PLEASE comment and make me feel better lol)  Again, I hate perpetuating that label.. the assumption that anti-kinks use: "Oh, well if it weren't for social conditioning and abuse and other fucked up shit, no one would possible be into that!"  Maybe they're right.  I like to hope not, but maybe there is something to that.  Frankly, I don't really... care.  I don't consider my relationship with Master therapy.  It doesn't fix my issues, only I can fix my issues.  I'm sorry, they can't be fucked out of me or beaten out of me.  I've got to do it myself.  Therefore I don't think of my relationship (or my "kinks) as a product of my upbringing.  It's simply what I am attracted to and I don't think its origins are relevant.

Some people might call that putting my head in the sand, which is fine.  I'm a shrink-in-training, it's not like it's a possibility I'm unaware of.  It just.. isn't something I think about.  And wanna know what?  As I age and grow, and as my "issues" abate... I get MORE kinky.  I get MORE into my relationship to Master, more dedicated because it gets easier to trust and to release.  I lose the fear that my childhood instilled in me.  So suck on that, stereotypes. :P

*~zelda...

Note: This was one of those "tangential" responses I mentioned might happen in my initial "30 days" post.  I might add to this later when I feel less like dying.  If you have comments or questions, feel free to leave them here.

Day 3 of 30...

Day 3: How did you discover you were kinky?

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When I first heard about bondage/BDSM-type activities, they mostly just scarred/offended me.  But that was because of how I was introduced to the concept.  The girl I learned of these activities from was (and still is a good friend).  We were in our early teenage years.  In those days, we were both writers of fiction in a way.  We would use each other to sound out ideas, etc.  She was always writing these bondage stories, where the bottom was a non-consenting victim.  Stolen, trapped, and taken advantage of violently and repeatedly.  There was no romance in these stories, just a sadist and his victims (male or female).  I wasn't a fan of hearing about these ideas.  It mostly just disturbed me.  Occasionally, the sadist WOULD love his victims and that just threw me off even more.  HOW could you do this to someone you love?  That's fucked up, man!

I didn't understand that there was actually a way for the person receiving this treatment to derive enjoyment out of it as well.  They never did in my friend's stories, and that was the only source of information I had at the time.  I later figured out that these stories were her therapy for something that had happened to her, but that's a different story and it's not mine to tell.  I didn't know people could (or would) consent to this type of activity.  Anyway, that's why I thought BDSM was insane when I first heard about it.  I didn't understand masochists.  I didn't understand that I WAS a masochist.  I didn't realize that I was an emotional masochist at the time.  I didn't realize that it wasn't much different from those "crazy people who enjoyed physical pain".  I ESPECIALLY didn't know I was one of those crazy people.

By the time I met Master, I was still wary of BDSM.  I was scared to relinquish control.  I was afraid of pain and the feelings that came with it.  He and I were friends for more than half a year before we started dating, and he had expressed that he would not ever be in a relationship with a woman where he wasn't the one in charge.  I chalked this up to macho-man talk and ignored it.  :P  No one could tame me, so he'd be SOL if he was ever interested in me.  Well, when he DID become interested in me, I wasn't particularly concerned with who was in charge.  I just knew we had feelings for each other and it didn't particularly matter to me who was in charge.  At first, I thought "Alright, I'll let him play boss.. it doesn't matter to me if he thinks he's in charge.  I like running the show behind the scenes anyway".  Oh.  How wrong THAT was.

Our eventual evolution into M/s was complicated.  Or at least, it's complicated to me because I didn't even sense that it was happening.  Master eased me into his kinks.  I was willing to try.  Then I realized... I liked it.  Sometimes I felt like I liked it more than even he did. xD  He opened me.  Sexually, emotionally, spiritually.  I had been closed off to the world (remember what I said earlier about being an emotional masochist?) for so long.. shut tight, locked up.  But he opened me no problem.  He did it without my knowledge.  Stealthy bastard!  But I thank him for it... I'm happier because of it, better off because of it.

Whenever I tell this story there are always missing pieces.  But.. there you have it.  I knew I was kinky when Master told me I was.  And hey.. he was right.

*~zelda...

Day 2 of 30...

Day 2: List your kinks.

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List my kinks?  Blah, there's a lot of them... some of them embarrass me, but I guess I shouldn't be too embarrassed.  :P It's only the internet, after all. lol  I COULD just copy/pasta (yes, PASTA) my Fetlife fetish list at you, but I'll try not to.  It does say list, not "zelda, make everyone bored with the details of everything you find attractive".  This list is not all-inclusive.  This is just what I can think of right now.

Things I enjoy:

• Rape play
• Biting
• Pain, many types (I like some types more than others.. I'm not a fan of stinging pain. Too bad Master is a fan of inflicting it. :P)
• Bondage (Duh.. I'm guessing you know I like to be restrained, but it isn't necessary. I actually prefer being held down "mentally", but physical bonds are sexy)
• Objectification
• Orgasm denial
• Whipping, belting, paddling... pain, remember? :P
•  Pet play 
• Humiliation
• Role play (ALLLL types of scenarios.. we don't do it very often, but it's fun when we do)
• Wax play
• Anal sex (sometimes... sometimes.. lol)
• Cock worship
• Uh.. serving my Master? >>
• Fetish wear.. though neither of us can really afford any.  But Master is sexy in leather, and maybe I am too.
• Having my hair yanked
• Master whispering in my ear while he fucks me.. or beats me.... or just in general
• Choking/having my throat grabbed
• Breast/pussy torture
• Spanking
• Tit fucking
• Being used for Master's pleasure without being allowed to cum
• Being taken beyond my "limits" by Master (as in, when I beg him to stop and he keeps going) 

Blah.. I'm going to stop here, mostly because I am sick and very tired.  So, there is a tiny snapshot of some of the things I like.  Questions?  Something you think I left out?  Feel free to comment.  There are other things not listed here, still more things I'm curious about but haven't gotten to try... Maybe someday we'll do a post on that.

*~zelda...

Day 1 of 30...

Day 1: Dom, sub, switch? What parts of BDSM interest you?  Give us an interesting, in-depth definition of what that means to you.  Basically, define your kinky self for us.

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I'm pretty sure if you're here, you know I identify as a slave.  I sort of touched on why/how in my previous post.. or rather, on touched on how I don't know why or how. xD Either way...

I didn't always identify as a slave.  I thought I was "just a sub".  I put that in quotations because I don't want to be told I'm implying that being a slave is somehow "better" than a submissive.  Frankly, I don't really care what other people choose to do for themselves.  They can do whatever they please.  I'm talking about me here.  In any event, I didn't think I was a slave.  I (mistakenly) thought I still maintained some autonomy.. I (mistakenly) thought that surely he didn't own me.  He was my Master, but I wasn't a slave.... naw.  That'd be crazy.  I mean, me?  A slave?  *laughs nervously* >_>;;

Master is an interesting fellow.  He had gotten me to submit to him without me even really realizing it.  I had agreed, of course.  But I hadn't acknowledged my own "progress".  I just wasn't aware of it.  It still amazes me how he could have me so far under his control without me even realizing it.  I fought it, I struggled... which is probably why I didn't think I had become any more submissive.  Yet, I was being lead further and further down the rabbit hole without even realizing what was going on.  By the time I figured it out, it was too late.  There isn't a way back up now.  Sometimes (again, mentioned in previous post "When I Say Us..") the reality frightens me.  I do find it reassuring though, for the most part.

I love being Master's slave.  I don't think I could do this with anyone else.  On a fetlife thread, a question was posed asking if we would seek out "this type of relationship" (whatever it is you may be doing, though it was in the O/p group) again, if it somehow ended with our present partner.  I can't stand to think about it, but I know I wouldn't go looking again.  I could never submit to anyone but Master.  I won't and simply can't.  Maybe to some that makes me less of a slave.  Again - I am not a "natural born" submissive.  I do need this.  I need to submit to him, even when it's hard for me.  But I can't get it from anyone else but him.  Therefore, I kneel only before him (yay cliches).

I think he likes it that way.  There is something satisfying for him, knowing that I walk around taking shit from no one all day, yet I'm home waiting for him each day eager to serve and to please him.  I dunno, I can't really define my slavery or my "kinky self".  I'm not sure anyone really can.  It's very much a part of who I am.  I know it satisfies me, I know I need/crave it, and I know (above all else) it pleases Master.  I'd do anything to please him.. that's really my main goal in all of this.  I just want him to be happy.  He deserves it.

*~zelda...

30 days...?

Hullooooo! :P  So, I'm starting with a question.  I'm thinking of slugging through this (not my creation, obviously):


Day 1: Dom, sub, switch? What parts of BDSM interest you? Give us an interesting in-depth definition of what that means to you. Basically define your kinky self for us.
Day 2: List your kinks.

Day 3: How did you discover you were kinky?

Day 4: Any early experiences that, in retrospect, hint at your kinks?
Day 5: What was your first kinky sexual experience? If you haven’t had one yet, talk about what you hope to have happen.

Day 6: Describe your weirdest/most interesting sexual fantasy.

Day 7: What’s your favorite toy?

Day 8: Post a kinky image you find erotic.

Day 9: Post a kink related song or music video you enjoy.
Day 10: What are your hard limits?
Day 11: What are your views on the ethics of kink?
Day 12: Tell us about a humorous BDSM/kink experience you’ve had. If you haven’t had one, talk about aspects of kink/BDSM you find funny.

Day 13: Explain as best you can what the appeal of kink/BDSM is to you? Why are you drawn to what you’re drawn to?

Day 14: How would you say real life BDSM/kink varies from fantasy BDSM/kink? If you haven’t experienced real life BDSM/kink how do you think it might differ?

Day 15: Post a BDSM/kink activity you’re curious about and would like to try.

Day 16: What are the most difficult aspects of having a sexuality that involves kink or BDSM for you personally?

Day 17: What misconception about kinky people would you most like to clear up?

Day 18: Any kinky/BDSM pet peeves? If so, what are they?
Day 19: Any unexpected ways kink has improved your life? If so, what are they?
Day 20: Talk about something within kink/bdsm that you’re curious about/don’t understand.

Day 21: Favorite BDSM related book (fiction or non-fiction)

Day 22: What do you think is important in keeping a BDSM relationship healthy? How does it differ from a vanilla relationship?

Day 23: Since you first developed an interest in kink, have your interests/perspectives changed? How so?
Day 24: What qualities do you look for in a partner?
Day 25: How open are you about your kinks?

Day 26: What’s your opinion on online BDSM play?
Day 27: Do your non-kink interests ever find their way into your kinky activities? If so, how?
Day 28: How do you dress for kink/BDSM play? What significance does your attire have to you?
Day 29: Do you have a BDSM title (e.g. mistress, master, slut, pig, whore, princess, goddess, ma’am, sir)? What is your opinion of the use of titles in general?

Day 30: Whatever BDSM/kink related thing you want to write about.


What do we think?  I'm not sure I'd be able to fully answer all of these questions, and I might have alterations based on what Master wants to hear about.  The responses will likely be at least "on topic" though.  I don't typically... do this sort of theme-y.. crap, but whatever.  It might be a useful exercise, I suppose.  I'd still be including "normal" posts, of course - if there is something else I'd like to write about.  So, maybe I'll give it a try but we'll have to see what Master wants out of me first. :P  Are there any questions any of YOU want answered?  Comment and/or email me, I'll see what I can do. ;)


*~zelda...


P.S. - I cannot for the life of me figure out why my font looks a bit different in this post... I did copy/paste the 30 Days list, so perhaps that was the cause but I can't figure out the remedy.  Oh well. :P