The Wall

I fear that I've been failing to update the world about my life. :P I am sorry, although I'm quite sure that all of you who read here have had much better things to do with your time than blog-stalk me. lol

I have been frightfully busy.  WE have been frightfully busy.  Master got a promotion at work, which is really wonderful for him.  He seems quite pleased.  I think he's looking forward to the new type of work he'll be doing, it's much closer to his interests than the previous position was.  I am pleased because he is pleased. :3

I have all sorts of lovely things to tell you about that, sadly, have nothing to do with BDSM, slavery, etc.  I've had loads of awesome things happening in my life, and I am sad that I can't tell you about them as they are all work and school related (again, trying not to identify myself TOO obviously here).  Since returning home from my little trip away, things have settled quite happily between the two of us.  Sometimes when I get back from a trip, there is a bit of heels digging into the earth and teeth gnashing on my part.  Not so this time.  ...Well, looking back on it, I guess I did have at least one noteworthy experience that I could expound upon a bit here.

When Master first decided I was going to take a beating (read: flogging/paddling), he had me do something different that I had never done before.  Normally, I usually get beaten on the bed.  I'm either laying flat on it, bent over it, kneeling on it... something of the like.  Our humble abode is small, and this method is convenient.  This time, I was taken to the living room, instructed to face the wall while standing, and to put my hands up over my head with my palms flat against the wall.

I won't lie and make myself sound more awesome than I am. :P I had injured my shoulder recently and had to ask for permission to lower my hands after a few minutes due to that pain.  I was allowed, but still had to stand there facing into the wall during the ordeal.

I really didn't like it.  This is probably making me sound like a wuss, but honestly, it made me feel VERY odd and I was not into it at all.  When I was a kid, I never had "time outs" or anything like that... I was overly well-behaved, if anything.  Yet, staring at the wall getting belted made me feel like I was a little child being made to "go stand in the corner" as punishment.  I felt very claustrophobic.  I couldn't grab onto anything.  I couldn't bury my face in a pillow to drown out my screams.  I also had the very odd sensation that if I screamed out like I wanted to, people would hear me (I don't know where this came from, it usually doesn't bother me that much.  I don't want any neighbors to call the police, but still)... The problem is, if I am silent or he can tell I am trying to be quiet, he will go at me harder.  Finally, the combination of all of those weird feelings/differences made me lash out.  I actually hit the wall with my fist, mid-beating.

I know, I'm breaking all the slave "protocols" and stereotypes.  I was not being graceful in accepting what was being given to me in any way, shape, or form.  The thing is, Master doesn't seem to care whether or not I'm graceful about it.  If anything, I think he likes to see me outside of my own control, screaming, struggling, and all that.  (I think this is why he hits me harder when he thinks I'm trying to reign in my reactions :P).  Still, the whole "WHAT IS THIS, RAAAGE *punch wall*" thing was.. bad form, in my opinion.  And he wonders why I say I need to be restrained. :P

This action did cause him to check in on me, which I appreciated.  He seemed to think we should stop, but I didn't want to.  Giving up then would have made me feel that I had failed, that I was disappointing him.  So I gathered myself and took the rest facing the wall as I was supposed to.  I didn't want to let it defeat me.  (I almost put "let it beat me", but that was too pun-o-rific even for me :P)  I "finished" successfully without anymore freak outs..

Honestly, it's embarrassing for me to talk about that.  I'm not sure why.  There are just so many.. worse things that I and others have taken at the hands of a Master/Dom/top/whatever, that "facing a wall" REALLY seems like it shouldn't bring out that kind of response.  But in 6... nearly 7 years?  I had honestly never been RIGHT up against it like that, with nothing to hide in, nothing to grasp... it was interesting.  He hasn't had me do it since, which makes me feel bad because - again - it seems like I failed.  But of course I would be willing to do it again (not that it would really matter whether or not I'm willing, but really, I would be).  I want to prove again that I can do it.

I don't really know why I had the reaction that I did... but I think it was a growing experience.  I don't even get claustrophobic, yet something as simple as that brought out those sensations.  I'm waiting for my chance to try it again, hopefully with more success this time.

Thank you for not laughing at me.  And if you are?  Well.. that's okay too, I think.

*~zelda...

The Lesser Being

Opening note: I'm doing fine and everything I'm babbling about here has been resolved, but I wanted to get the thoughts out.  This post is probably more disjointed than usual.

I hate Freud.  Let me just toss that out there.  He's full of shit and... I just deleted a bunch of junk here.  Now isn't the time or place.  Suffice it to say that I do not buy into any of Freud's Fraud's bullshit.  That said, Master had a bit of a freudian slip last night.  We were bantering a bit about gender, power dynamics, social schemas, etc. when this little bomb drops out of his mouth:

"Well, as you're in the lesser role- I MEAN SUBMISSIVE..."

Now, some of you are going to laugh at me and chuckle about how un-twue I am.  That's fine.  I never claimed to be twue or perfect or a role model.  I've said repeatedly: submission is not in my nature.

But that little "slip" felt like a slap to the face.  Strangely, he retracted it almost immediately, saying that it wasn't the right word, wasn't what he was trying to convey.  But still... lesser.

It shouldn't bother me, right?  I'm a slave, that's what some (most?) would say we are.  However, it seems to rub Master's philosophies the wrong way for whatever reason.  He claims that he doesn't, and wouldn't want to, think of me as being any less valuable or less of a human being than he is.  He's even said he thinks of me as an equal... but how?  It's lost on me too.  It's true for me too though - regardless of what people say, I do not believe that Master is inherently "better" than I am just because he is an owner and I am property.

There are many things he is better at/with than I am.  Computer science is his expertise, I will never match him there.  He is a patient man, much more than I.  He has great self-control, which I only have in certain contexts.  He is (and likely always will be) stronger and faster than I am.

There are more, of course.  Those are just the ones that strike my fancy at the moment.  However.... he isn't inherently better than I am because of those things.  Nor is he inherently better than I am because he owns me.  I don't think his will is any stronger than mine.  The reason our dynamic works is not that he has more mental strength than I do, but rather that I am more willing to bend.  I see nothing wrong with this.  Can he force me to do something I really don't want to do? Yes.  Because eventually, I'll agree to do it.  I don't see it as a weakness on my part.  I just prefer pleasing him to getting my way.  And really... what better manipulation tool could you ask for?  It came built into me, too.

Frequently, I fail to understand this notion of "Master knows best".  ... I'm sorry.  No.  They probably do not ALWAYS know best.  They are people too, fellow slaves, subs, and bottoms.  You don't take on a slave and suddenly develop the magical ability to never fail and never be wrong.  They do fail sometimes (just like us).  They are wrong sometimes (just like us).

One aspect of submission that really shows one's colors is being able (and willing) to experience their failures and wrongs with them.  To trust them and go where they lead you, regardless of the fact that they may be incorrect.  This is... a unique and difficult aspect of submission.  Recognizing that one's Master is NOT perfect and that they may not be congenitally "better than you" just because of their status as owner - and following with blind faith anyway.  It is easy to trust a god who will "always know best", "always have his slaves best interest at heart", and "never make a false step".  There are people out there who do think this of their masters.  The difficulty is in trusting another human, even knowing that there will be times that they harm you or lead you astray.

(May I take a moment to note that it is very easy to always have someone's best interest at heart and STILL royally fuck up on the occasion?  It happens, man.)

Anyway, I have never believed that my Master possessed any kind of magical power that domination gave him that I lacked.  Perhaps that is because I am a very dominant individual outside of your relationship.  The whole... "less than" thing is so confusing.  He says he thinks of me as an equal, yet I don't have equal say.  I find it difficult to wrap my head around because logically, "slave" and "equal" just... don't add up.  Or maybe they do.  ...But I'll trust him on it.  Because that's what I'm here for and because I believe in him.

My difficulty in accepting and understanding "lesser" (even though it wasn't what he meant to say, he was very kind about indulging me and allowing me to converse about it) lead to another question from him.  I noted my ongoing struggles with slavery and submission and he essentially asked me: how is this hard?


Another slap to the face, I tell you! >.>  You've been doing this for years, he says.  Why is it still difficult?  And then I was faced with the daunting task of explaining to this man, who had never bent to anyone else's whims but his own, why it was hard.  A part of me got a bit nasty about it.  Knowing that surely this man would utterly fail at submission and how dare he have to audacity to ask me "how it is even difficult".  I really would like to see him try it.  We'd see how "simple" it became then.

In a way, we were both right.  But that's why I put up the bits from "Your Woman" last night.  I often feel like I'm not good enough.  It isn't that I am disobedient, because I am not.  It isn't that he pushes me too hard, because he doesn't.  It isn't that... it isn't anything.  It's honestly just something that will probably remain difficult for me to swallow.  I will keep trying.  I'll never fucking give up.  But just... true acceptance of the concept of slavery is......  It's hard.  It just is.

Your life is not your own.  Your choices aren't yours.  I don't want to liken it to becoming "nothing"... but sometimes it seems that way when you wake up in the morning and realize that even if you are allowed a few freedoms here or there, it's all illusory and those little choices that you take for granted can disappear as quickly as a thought passes through His synapses.  And people ask me why I have difficulty... I don't think anyone has an easy time all the time.  If you say you do, I will say right here and now - I think you are a lying.  Some times are easier than others.  Other times, you... I can't explain it.

I'm sure this is all making me sound ridiculous and like a failure.  I should be able to offer him more.  Part of me does celebrate it, and the majority of the time, I'm very happy.  But it is a truly, truly humbling thing to think about.

And I don't think that most people could deal with having their egos taken away like this as if it were as simple as breathing.  Sometimes in the beginning it seems that way.  It really does.  And sometimes, later on, you look up at the pinprick of light above you and realize how far down into the pit you've fallen.

*~zelda...

Punishment

I haven't been punished in roughly 9000 years. No, really. It's been a long time.  Frankly, I am still very confused by what determines (in Master's mind) what is punishment worthy and what isn't. I have to write an essay this time, which I've never done before. Thankfully, he was gracious enough to give me the time to finish my midterms (finally done with that today) before starting on it. I still have a grant proposal to get through, but that should be done within the next hour or two.

So, here I am pondering my assignment. I am the FIRST person to admit that I fucked up. Punishment is actually very easy for me to swallow when I have an understanding of what - exactly - brought it about. What I did was wrong and a solid effort should be made to not do it again... even if it might be somewhat taxing for me. So I am doing my best to graciously accept the task that's been handed to me. It's only one page. But a single-space page usually ends up being at least 800 words or so.

That's quite a few words on this topic, if you ask me. Really, it wasn't a deep or profound mistake. It was quite silly and I'm sure a lot of you would balk at me if I gave details because you would wonder what on earth would possess a slave to do such a thing? Indignation... righteous anger... human error. I dunno, the same things that possess any other person to fuck up. I didn't even really mean to cause the damage I did, which is what makes me so readily apologetic, in a way. It's a lesson learned: be careful what you do. Something I did half in jest ended up causing much more trouble than I intended it to. Needless to say, it wasn't worth it.

Anyway, the point is, I'm not perfect. The parameters of the paper are supposed to be why what I did was wrong, why I'm sorry, and how I'm going to prevent it from happening in the future. Meh. I feel like a little fledging slave all over again.

Sometimes I do stupid shit. Time to correct it and move along as best as possible. *sigh* Oh, guilt... I wish I weren't so good at having you some times.

*~zelda...

Yes, I'm alive

This is so infrequently updated that it's ridiculous. It's the thought that counts, right? Not really. You can't read my thoughts, so I suppose it may not count. Then again, I don't think anyone actually reads this so mayhaps it does. In any event, this post will not be well put together since I'm scatter-brained and tired from the ridiculous amount of fucking I endured last night (poor me, right? :P).

In any event, Fet. It's so full of... meh, there aren't words. I don't want to quote anything specific because this has nothing to do with specific people and I don't believe any of this is personal in any way, shape, or form. (Hint: This means if you think "WHOA IS SHE TALKING ABOUT ME???", I'm not. These are all general remarks directed at no individual in particular.) But I just wanted to mumble about it in my own special way.

So, here they are - the Red Flaggers. They flounce about, leaving a trail of red flags behind them (frequently while capitalizing RED FLAG for EMPHASIS because it's such a BIG RED FLAG). People have opinions and people have their own ideas. I respect that. I understand the fact that {some} people want to call everything that doesn't mesh with their own personal philosophy abuse. I don't attempt to change that behavior. I might speak up if I feel they've said something totally out of line, (i.e. ZOMG, ALL SLAVES ARE INSANE AND YOU NEED COUNSELING IF YOU'D CONSENT TO THAT, THERE ARE RED FLAGS EVERYWHERE, AHHHHH) if only to point out to others who are reading that the poster is misguided, but I don't expect the out-of-line one to change their red flag tossing ways.

So why do they all expect ME (us?) to change. There are many who seem to take it as a personal affront if someone doesn't respond with a "Oh you're right, I'm very abused and will now seek counseling and end my fulfilling relationship because you have said it is abusive & contains red flags. Thank you for enlightening me". But the fact is, it isn't fucking personal. Just because I (or someone else) says that in their relationship, X and Y would not fly does not mean that I'm expecting the OP or another poster to alter their life to match mine. It's simply a matter of comparison and explain to the other person that there are other ways of doing things. "This is how things work in my relationship" does not auto-translate into "You're doing it wrong". Maybe they should consider doing something different if it's really making them so unhappy...? Maybe that relationship style isn't right for them.

As an example, Master and I are monogamous. Neither of us would do well in a poly relationship. Do I run around telling everyone who is poly that their relationship is "clearly abusive" and that they are being "used" or "taken advantage of" simply because it's something I can't envision myself doing? No. I don't. I am mostly just glad for them that they have a relationship that works for them and fulfills them. I don't cry abuse and red flags about it. Nor would I run up to someone in engaged in a bedroom-only D/s relationship and tell them that they're inferior to me or that they're WRONG and need counseling to see how a 24/7 relationship would complete their lives.

But WAIT. No. Now we're just sufferers of "twue-ness". Now we're condoning abuse because we're not all hugging each other and crying about how abused we feel. Also, we must be abused and/or insane because we can't see how fucked up our own lives are. Oh and don't forget, we're all heartless cunts too. Har har.

It just gets dull after a while. I don't understand why people who don't even understand how M/s works are so ready to pass judgement on the concept and anyone involved with it. Over the past week, I have seen SO MANY misconceptions about M/s (and/or O/p. I am bad with labels so I often use M/s as a blanket term. If this is confusing/offensive, sorry) being propagated that it was ridiculous. I don't want to list them in order to avoid pointing fingers, but I can say that I did respond to at least one of them personally.

The other thing that makes me laugh? The occasional post that pops up about how "slaves/subs/bottoms really have all the control anyway" because they "set all the limits, can stop the 'scene' at any time, blah blah". Yea. Maybe in YOUR hunky-dory universe, that is the case. It is not really so for me. It is not so for a great many people, on and off of Fet. I actually brought up this concept to Master and he literally just kind of lol-ed in my face. Please keep in mind, I'm glad for this. I like it that way. IT IS WHAT I SIGNED UP FOR. If people DON'T like that, maybe they shouldn't have signed up for it. I know, people make mistakes. So why don't they exercise their super-awesome bottom control power and leave to find something that actually works for them?

I respect and understand the fact that other people don't live like me. I would never look down on someone who does not live 24/7, does not do M/s, or any other type of TPE. People are different. People have different shit that works for them. Really, I'm cool with it. So why is everyone else so ready and willing to condemn the entire concept of M/s and all the people involved in it? It doesn't really bother me to have shit like "you need counseling" thrown in my face, but I just get irritated when I'm extending a courtesy to someone else and it isn't returned. I'm fine with people living differently. Other people might try being fine with that too, but apparently that's too much to ask.

Blah. /end fetlife rant. Apologies for my rambles.

*~zelda...