Wednesday, August 24, 2011

The Wall

I fear that I've been failing to update the world about my life. :P I am sorry, although I'm quite sure that all of you who read here have had much better things to do with your time than blog-stalk me. lol

I have been frightfully busy.  WE have been frightfully busy.  Master got a promotion at work, which is really wonderful for him.  He seems quite pleased.  I think he's looking forward to the new type of work he'll be doing, it's much closer to his interests than the previous position was.  I am pleased because he is pleased. :3

I have all sorts of lovely things to tell you about that, sadly, have nothing to do with BDSM, slavery, etc.  I've had loads of awesome things happening in my life, and I am sad that I can't tell you about them as they are all work and school related (again, trying not to identify myself TOO obviously here).  Since returning home from my little trip away, things have settled quite happily between the two of us.  Sometimes when I get back from a trip, there is a bit of heels digging into the earth and teeth gnashing on my part.  Not so this time.  ...Well, looking back on it, I guess I did have at least one noteworthy experience that I could expound upon a bit here.

When Master first decided I was going to take a beating (read: flogging/paddling), he had me do something different that I had never done before.  Normally, I usually get beaten on the bed.  I'm either laying flat on it, bent over it, kneeling on it... something of the like.  Our humble abode is small, and this method is convenient.  This time, I was taken to the living room, instructed to face the wall while standing, and to put my hands up over my head with my palms flat against the wall.

I won't lie and make myself sound more awesome than I am. :P I had injured my shoulder recently and had to ask for permission to lower my hands after a few minutes due to that pain.  I was allowed, but still had to stand there facing into the wall during the ordeal.

I really didn't like it.  This is probably making me sound like a wuss, but honestly, it made me feel VERY odd and I was not into it at all.  When I was a kid, I never had "time outs" or anything like that... I was overly well-behaved, if anything.  Yet, staring at the wall getting belted made me feel like I was a little child being made to "go stand in the corner" as punishment.  I felt very claustrophobic.  I couldn't grab onto anything.  I couldn't bury my face in a pillow to drown out my screams.  I also had the very odd sensation that if I screamed out like I wanted to, people would hear me (I don't know where this came from, it usually doesn't bother me that much.  I don't want any neighbors to call the police, but still)... The problem is, if I am silent or he can tell I am trying to be quiet, he will go at me harder.  Finally, the combination of all of those weird feelings/differences made me lash out.  I actually hit the wall with my fist, mid-beating.

I know, I'm breaking all the slave "protocols" and stereotypes.  I was not being graceful in accepting what was being given to me in any way, shape, or form.  The thing is, Master doesn't seem to care whether or not I'm graceful about it.  If anything, I think he likes to see me outside of my own control, screaming, struggling, and all that.  (I think this is why he hits me harder when he thinks I'm trying to reign in my reactions :P).  Still, the whole "WHAT IS THIS, RAAAGE *punch wall*" thing was.. bad form, in my opinion.  And he wonders why I say I need to be restrained. :P

This action did cause him to check in on me, which I appreciated.  He seemed to think we should stop, but I didn't want to.  Giving up then would have made me feel that I had failed, that I was disappointing him.  So I gathered myself and took the rest facing the wall as I was supposed to.  I didn't want to let it defeat me.  (I almost put "let it beat me", but that was too pun-o-rific even for me :P)  I "finished" successfully without anymore freak outs..

Honestly, it's embarrassing for me to talk about that.  I'm not sure why.  There are just so many.. worse things that I and others have taken at the hands of a Master/Dom/top/whatever, that "facing a wall" REALLY seems like it shouldn't bring out that kind of response.  But in 6... nearly 7 years?  I had honestly never been RIGHT up against it like that, with nothing to hide in, nothing to grasp... it was interesting.  He hasn't had me do it since, which makes me feel bad because - again - it seems like I failed.  But of course I would be willing to do it again (not that it would really matter whether or not I'm willing, but really, I would be).  I want to prove again that I can do it.

I don't really know why I had the reaction that I did... but I think it was a growing experience.  I don't even get claustrophobic, yet something as simple as that brought out those sensations.  I'm waiting for my chance to try it again, hopefully with more success this time.

Thank you for not laughing at me.  And if you are?  Well.. that's okay too, I think.



  1. Oh Honey, none of us are laughing at you. I've stopped trying to figure out what I can take and what will freak me out...You don't really know until you experience it.

    Have you told him that you feel you have disappointed him, because he hasn't done it again? Maybe you should?

  2. *hugs* definitely not laughing. We all react to things differently, hun. Sometimes you have to experience them to find out.

  3. Thank you for the reassurance, both of you. :) I appreciate it very much.

    I have talked to him about it a bit.. I think that the "break" in activity has more to do with summer heat and being busy than anything else. But still, I always get that sort of nagging feeling when there is a lull after something that had a bit of a hiccup in it. :/ Maybe I am just a paranoid creature. I guess we'll see how it goes from here!

  4. I think maybe you hit the nail on the head when you said "with nothing to hide in". I am the same way. And with me, Daddy is also like your Master: he wants the reactions. Because I clamp down on my feelings a lot in life, and he wants me to FEEL with him, and let out my emotions... to trust him with all of myself, you know? Being up against the wall (in more ways than one, haha) must have made you feel so vulnerable! Even with someone you know that you do trust. Good job getting through it!