It seems that lately he's been shying away from his sadistic tendencies. I won't lie to any of you - I am not the kind of slave that needs to be CONSTANTLY demeaned and belittled and abused and (etc, you know the drill) in order to be happy. That might mean that I suck at being a slave and that I'm not "twue" by some standards. But for me? In general, when Master is happy, I am happy. There are times when I want him to grab a fistful of hair and shove my head down onto his cock without warning and he just wants to cuddle. During those times, we tend to cuddle. :P He gets what he wants. And I'd be lying if I said I didn't deeply enjoy the attention and the affection. I'm a cat at heart - I thrive on being petted.
But sometimes, the opposite will happen. I think there are times when he will want to do something sadistic to or with me, but he.. doesn't. He won't even mention it. I think it's a combination of a few things. One is that the man is exhausted. Working is hard. His job is particularly tiring and energy consuming (much more than my own). As long as he is pleased, I am fine with just letting him flop in bed and rest as much as he wants. But there is something else that I know prevents him from reveling in his urges. And that something else is.. well, me.
It is his prerogative to do as he wishes with me. We both know that. Yet, for all of his sadistic tendencies, Master is strangely.... considerate. (Which is SOOO not like him! He was not this way when I met him and he is not this way with anyone else. Geez, poor me, with this thoughtful, loving man. :/ I know, I know - cry more, zelda. lol) If he senses that I'm not up for that kind of activity, he won't push it. But what perturbs me is that it isn't necessarily "oh, slave is in a fragile state and is clearly upset/sick/whatever. I won't push her right now". Sometimes, he'll just.... assume that I'm opposed to it without ever bringing it up. Now, there are time when I'm like "No! Dun wanna!" but... he can make me? And even if it's not something *I'm* craving, there are still many times when I'd like him do whatever he wants. After all, what choice do I have? He's stronger than I am anyway.
I think sometimes that Master is afraid of letting his sadistic side run completely wild. He seems to be under the impression that he'll stop... caring about me or loving me. I don't believe that. I trust him to know himself and to know when he is in a place he doesn't want to be. And yet, I also know how fucking difficult that kind of thing can be. I don't mean to portray him weak or lacking self-control. That isn't at all what I am saying. But it's as if he doubts his ability to indulge his darker side without losing hold of the reigns. There are reasons for these thoughts, but I don't want to go into them because... well, they aren't mine to talk about.
One of my slave-idols, a lovely woman named mouse, recently noted on her blog that her dominant/master decided to withdraw sadism from their relationship entirely. I won't detail the reasons here (again, it is not my place to talk about other people's business but I do HIGHLY encourage you to check out her blog. Our relationships/philosophies do differ in places, but I always enjoy her writing). But when I read the posts about that some months ago, it made me wonder if my master had similar concerns about himself.
I spoke with Master about this. Honestly, I think he worries about making me unhappy the most. Which makes me feel... well, it makes me feel bad. It's as if I haven't performed to par, like I haven't given him a reason to believe that I can be everything he wants me to be.
...And really, that's what I want. I want to be what he wants me to be. I know I'll never be perfect (and that's hurtful and hard to think about, really) but I can't help but want to give it my best. I know he doesn't want to risk crushing me because he has already put a lot of effort into building me up. And yet.... I dunno, I feel like I'll never be good enough. It's as if I either end up having not enough self-value for his liking or I have enough, but I'm still too brittle to bend.
I think we both need to find the middle path. It's something to think about for the both of us. I want to at least be given the CHANCE to take whatever he wants to dish out.
*~zelda...
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Wow what an interesting thought. To have someone love you so much that they may hold back on their sadistic tendencies for your benefit and yet you may not want him to and/or in fact need him to follow through with those needs for both of your benefit.
ReplyDeleteI have to say I find it very interesting though....the battle between sadism and love/consideration and yet they go hand in hand sometimes especially with masochism.