On My Knees

I think I've exhausted myself.  Maybe Master too.  There has been a lot of sex going on in our house.  A lot.  He's also turned up the heat a bit in terms of his domineering attitude.  I'm fine with this.  In fact, I love it.  It's kind of rare to see him in his element these days - things pile up: work, no car, sickness, etc.  Our whole relationship has been pretty light on the BDSM for the past.. year.  It didn't seem that long to me, but I looked back over my blog and found that it has indeed been kind of a long time.  After the struggling I went through a few weeks ago, this feels like coming home.  Like air after being under water for too many minutes.  I'm enraptured.

Naturally I love him no matter what is going on.  Part of being a slave is accepting that his needs come before my own.  He always takes very good care of me and ensure that I am generally content - but I can't force him into uber-Dominant mode whenever I feel like I need someone else to take the reigns.  Sometimes I ask if I find myself particularly desperate, but it's not the same when I have to request it.  He doesn't typically indulge those requests anyway.  ..I dunno, I don't mean to make the man sound lazy or vanilla.  Truth this, things have been out of sorts for a long time.  Mostly financially and that bothers him a lot more than it bothers me (call me naive, I'm just glad we have a roof over our heads and food in the fridge).  But the reality is that what he needs (support, R&R, a solid SiC by his side) are what I have to give him.

It's tough, though.  I think that's what results in the discord I feel inside sometimes.  I have to be mentally alert, agile, ready to contribute, helping carry my share of the weight.  But I find it difficult to give advice to someone and submit to them in the same breath if that makes sense.  It's easier if he's fully in control of the situation.  Of course it is.  Unfortunately, no one is going to be 100% in control of everything all the time.  That's why people have servants or "help" as we used to call them - sometimes you need someone else to do some shit for you.  I think I'm rambling and I've stopped making sense.  The point is, I think we're getting back on our feet.  Or at least, he's getting back on his feet and I've got to get back on my knees.  And I like the view from down here very much.

I'm totally, totally exhausted though... *curls up on the couch*  I may have a nap right now if I can get my brain to shut up for long enough.  He's still at work and I've got several hours before he's home and we start dinner (I know, I'm the worst - I rarely cook alone, usually either he cooks or we cook together.... but he claims to like it.  And I never said I was worth a shit for anything domestic).  Hopefully everyone is enjoying the Monday as much as a Monday can be enjoyed.  I have lots of deadlines coming up over the next few weeks.. wish me luck.

*~zelda...