Monday, March 19, 2012

Blue Monday

"How does it feel
to treat me like you do,
when you've laid your hands upon me
and told me who you are?
I thought I was mistaken,
I thought I heard your words...
Tell me how do I feel?
Tell me now, how do I feel?

Those who came before me
lived through their vocations.
From the past until completion,
they'll turn away no more.
And I still find it so hard
to say what I need to say.
But I'm quite sure that you'll tell me
Just how I should feel today..."

First I wanted to thank everyone for the supportive words and love in the comments section after my last post.  I needed it and it was reassuring to hear that I'm not the only one who feels that way on the occasion.  Why is it that we always think we're utterly alone in our struggles?  Maybe it's the masochist in every human that pushes us in that direction... in any event.

Master and I talked about the junk in my last post.  He sort of blamed himself a bit, which kind of made me feel worse.  My goal was not to make him feel badly in anyway - I was angry with myself for my short comings and difficulties.  Still, it was reassuring to know that he thinks I have the potential to let go of myself.  At least that makes one of us, at any rate.  His opinion is what counts here, though.  I try not to undermine it with self-doubt, but it's there.  Swept under the rug, maybe.  But present.  It always is to some degree.

I got punished for the first time years the other day.  I'm sort of reluctant to talk about it (why do I blog when I'm so reticent? I wonder sometimes), mostly because I thought I'd grown beyond the need for that, but I don't exactly know how I feel about it.  The two of us agree that the selected punishment may have been an overreaction.  Not that his choice to punish was an overreaction, but the chosen method.  It was mental and emotional punishment - the hardest kind.  It sucked.  Maybe I learned something from it, though.  Maybe not.  It's still stewing, to be honest.

Switching gears a bit, I really love the song Blue Monday by New Order (lyrics quoted above).  I've found myself listening to it a lot lately.  It's kind of moody and so am I.  Sometimes you hear a song and you have to wonder if the artist was involved in some kind of power exchange.  Maybe I read too much into it.  But it does make me curious.

Another random topic: there's been a lot of banter about this Fifty Shades of Grey novel.  I actually started a discussion group about it on Fet.  Essentially, it's a series of three poorly written romance novels with D/s elements in it.  I've read the first book and some of the second.  My view is biased - I don't like romance novels and I don't like erotica.  It becomes dull after the 4,000th orgasm, gasp, moan, etc.  Still, although I can't say much about the series' contribution to literature, I am curious about all the mainstream media attention this is getting.  I find myself curious about the reactions of vanillas who read it - might some of them enter "our world" as a result of this gateway book?  What is the negative impact this book will have on society's perception of BDSM?  How hard is this going to hit?

I'm a scientist.  I'm curious.  I wanted to chat about it, so I made a group.  I don't think I'd consider myself a fan of the series.  Quite the contrary, it's tough to read sometimes just due to the sheer.. awfulness. xD  But it's INSANELY popular and I am deeply interested in the social/societal impact this may or may not have.  They're even talking movie deals - can you imagine?  Although how they'd make a film out of something so pornographic, I have no idea.  But stranger things have happened.


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