Wednesday, March 28, 2012

Friends and Romance

This post is just going to be me whining and angst-ing about other peoples' drama.  This is rare for me to do.  Feel free to ignore it.  But.. I'm writing here because I feel like I've been a bad friend and I need to talk this out somewhere.  They aren't even kinky. :P But I've known them both about ten years now...

I'll call the male of the pair X and the female H.  They're both good people - highly intelligent, driven, successful.  They've been officially "together" since November 2007, between 4 and 5 years now.  That's a while.  They've survived quite a bit together, they went to college in different states but still saw each other almost every weekend (they're on the east coast - the states are small and close together out in the NE :P).  I have a long history with both of these people.

When I first met H, she and I clicked instantly.  We were best friends from the moment we met.  That lasted a long time.  We've grown apart a bit over the years as both of us as quite busy, but I still consider her one of my closest friends.  Our friendship has not been without issue, but that's long forgotten and not relevant anymore.  X and I met at the same time and we were also very fast friends.  We had the same interests, hobbies - we even took music lessons together for a few years (we both played the same instrument).  X and I are similar to the point of romantic incompatibility.  He has always been a wonderful, dependable friend, like a brother to me.

When X and H got together, I was pretty happy for the two of them.  X and I used to carpool to/from high school - we both lived far from school and lived within a mile of one another.  So one day, walking back to my car I said to him "So.. I heard from H that you guys are an item now".  He acknowledged.  I continued on and told him, calmly but seriously, that if he ever hurt her.. I'd have to kill him.  (I'm quite protective of my friends)  He nodded, told me he entirely understood and that he was glad H had friends like me.  We dropped it and went on with our afternoon.

After they were dating for a while, I essentially had to give up X as a friend.  I knew I could still go to him for help if shit hit the fan (which I'd had to do once or twice before), but we couldn't hang out "one on one" anymore.  H got too weird/possessive about it, although there was never any threat to her.  Still, I wanted to respect her and the two of them as a couple.  I saw him in groups.  But a distance was forced between us.  Still, it was good to see them together.  They're a nice couple.

But I have to say... a mutual friend, another girl called J (J, H, and I were a little cluster throughout junior high and high school) as well as another male close to both X and myself (call him S) - the three of us have noted that H has never treated X very well.  X has ALWAYS bent over backwards to give H exactly what she wants, to make sure she is perfectly happy (and this girl is almost never happy with anything).  It's not that H never does anything for him, it's not that she outright doesn't care but... X loves her.  Truly loves her.  I think H cares for X.. but she doesn't really love him.  In fact, she's told me as much.

And now.. she has him waiting on a back burner.  Set to the side, the fire turned off while she deals with a newly heated, spicy, fiery dish.  Apparently she decided she wasn't "taking her own advice" and wants to "play the field while she's still young".  That's not a choice I made, but I understand.  J has yet to really settle into a committed relationship, but here's my issue - H and X HAVE BEEN IN a committed relationship.  And he has killed himself to make her happy.  Years ago, X even told S "You know, if things don't work out with H at this point, I'm okay with being alone for the rest of my life".  Which cut J and I to the core - poor X!  He deserves better than that.  And that was before she decided to put him off to the side to pursue some new sexual interest she's suddenly decided she has.

Where he will wait.  Gladly.  Because he loves her so much that her being happy is more important than her being with him.  ...She couldn't return the favor if it were the other way around, I think.  And I feel angry for him.  I feel hurt for him.

...And I also feel like I've been a really bad friend to him.  Looking back on it, he means just as much to me as H does, yet I never sat down with H and told her "don't you hurt X, God damnit" the way I had done with him.  I willing backed away from him as a friend to keep her happy.  Sure, it was probably the right and respectful thing to do and I'm sure X understood/understand, but A - no one was doing anything wrong to begin with and B - maybe I should have tried to be a better friend at a distance...

I don't know.  I know it obviously isn't my fault and that - at the end of the day - it's none of my fucking business if he wants to be her doormat.  They're both adults.  They're both intelligent.  I still can't help but feel that I've failed him, somehow.  I'd like to reach out to him now but.. what the hell do you say? "Hey man, heard you're being a tool - how's that going?"  Obviously not... *sigh*  The whole thing just bothers me and I'm upset for him.  I wish I could do something for him, but I don't know what, if anything, is appropriate.  I also don't know how flagrantly disapproving to be with H in regard to her actions.

Sorry this is whiny, irrelevant, and stupid.  I just... hope X ends up alright.  Maybe he'll end up finding something better and it'll work out in his favor.  But still.. I feel badly for him.  And I feel stuck in the middle.



  1. Gah this just tears my heart. I've been there. Not sure what to do, frustrated. Just wanting to do SOMETHING and ruminating on the past. Maybe you'll see X casually or in a group and invite him to hang out again, try to be there that way?

  2. Thanks for the note, Lea! The problem is, we've hardly seen each other in person over the past four years. We're all in our final year of college and we're all in different states (except for X and S - the other male I mentioned - as they attend the same school). Interaction is usually limited to a hello or two over the summer, IF we're all in town at the same time. ...And typically, H is always part of the group meetings where J and I see him. *le sigh*

    But, if they're not "together" for a while, it would be a lot easier to get to chat with him...