Tuesday, September 14, 2010

Not much to report on...

Before I go off, I just wanted to note that I've added an email address for anyone who reads to contact me (or Master) at.  It's just to your left at the bottom of the "About Me" section.  Feel free to use it to get in touch with one or both of us if there's something you'd like to say, but don't want to comment about.


As the title implies, there isn't a lot going on out here.  Well, technically there is lots going on, but nothing kinky or exciting.  I have papers due.  I have assloads of reading.  There is work.  Master has shit to do *happily twiddles thumbs on the back burner*.  I shouldn't say that because it will make him feel bad or make him think I feel neglected... but I don't at all.  He's just very busy and tired and stressed and.. well, you know.  He needs a slave willing to fetch him water and cuddle him, not one who is whining and begging for a pain-session.  Which I can do and I do happily.  I love cuddles.  I am a cuddle whore. :P

I've been working pretty hard on keeping my mouth in order and actually?  For once?  I think it's been going well.  I have a hard time not vomiting bitch and attitude all over the place.  It's in my nature.  It's part of what attracted him to me.  But hey, no one wants that all the time.  I'd say my efforts are paying off.  I wish I could be this happy being this complacent all the time.  Inevitably, I'll experience a slip.  I start to get all self-obsessed and go "Nuuuuu, I'm LOSING MYSELF.  I need to be LOUD-MOUTHED and PISSED and BITCHY all the damn time or else I AM NOT ME.  Woe is my lack of autonomy!" and then I act out for anywhere from a day to... well, a while.  Sometimes it's one giant freak out, other times I'll have mini hiccups over a long period of time.  I don't know why it happens.  Maybe I'm not a "true slave" because *le gasp* I have internal turmoil over my subjugation.  Maybe it's because it goes against my very nature (Master, I think, may disagree and think it does not go against my natural grain.  I believe very strongly that it does).

But, I need it.  I crave it.  I'm miserable without it.  And, as inevitable as the freak outs are, so is the realization that I require this and then I settle down into my "happy space".  Sometimes even happy space is scary.  That little twitch of doubt that creeps up my spine sometimes... knowing that my life is in someone else's hands can be, if we're all honest, terrifying.  But isn't it also all the more reassuring?  Knowing that when you stumble, he'll help you catch your balance.  If you fall, he'll help you to your feet.  If you break, he'll help you pick up the pieces.... because he's always there.  Because you're his.

I'm his...

I'm so lucky.  And I'm even more thankful.

Thank you, Master.


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