Wednesday, September 22, 2010

What I Promised

I promised to deliver a post later today, so here I am.  I swear this post will not be entirely about tea. xD  I apologize for that earlier stint, just spreading the love around!  But anyway...

Master and I had a bit of a bumping of heads last night.  I don't want to go into the details (I know you're all just DYING to hear about my emotional issues, right? *sarcasm*) because the situation has essentially been resolved and I don't want to start picking the scabs too heavily.  So no gossip today and no dirty laundry.  Sorry.  Maybe you'll get some of that some other day.

The thing about last night's issue is that... it's just a reminder of how small he can make me feel.  Sometimes I don't think he knows what he's capable of doing to me.  When he disregards me, I feel totally insignificant, like I'm just another shadow in the room cast by the bedside lamp.  When he outright ignores me..?  I may as well not exist.  He's the only thing that is particularly important to me.  When he acts like I'm not there?  I'm not there.  When he acts like I don't matter?  I don't matter.  That's simply the way of it.  I do recognize that it's his prerogative to do those things, in some sense... yet it doesn't make it any less painful.  In particular, when it happens after a cutting remark that I find humiliating...

The humiliation floods over me, and then it's like I'm not there.  He turns his head away and falls asleep.  And at that moment? ...I'm really gone.  Like a tree falling in the forest with no one to hear it, it's as if I simply evaporate in his world.  But what happens when you're the tree?  You still snap in half.  Your branches still break.  All the adornments that you've spent time cultivating cease to matter.  Is it worse when someone cuts the tree down, but leaves before the damn thing can fall?  A senseless fate.  No molding.  No transformations from tree into oak furniture or into a home or even into paper.  Cut down and left to seep into the earth as mulch.  Is that worse when it's both intentional and senseless?

Yesterday, I was that tree.  Alone on the floor of the forest with no one around to hear me fall.

I won't lie.  That was very painful.