We can't go back.

I had an issue the other day.  Friday, I think.  I was too tired to talk about it then.   I feel weird blogging about this sort of thing, because usually when the emotions are fresh I'm too worn out to write about them.  When I get my energy back, I feel there is no use dwelling on something I'm no longer upset about and I end up not writing about it.  But this might be worthy blog fodder, so I'll give it a go.

It started with me being disobedient.  I admit this.  I'm not perfect.  I was doing something inane, playfully tapping him on the head when he had already told me to stop once.  Honestly, most of the time I can bug him like this and get no real reaction.  But instead I was met with "Either stop it or I'm not driving you to class".  Mind, this is was said with the knowledge that I had no access to my own car and no money for public transportation.  I panicked.  Like... freakishly so.

In my head, it was all.... OMG my education is so important, you WANT me to be educated, I've worked so hard for this, you aren't even paying the bills for it, wtfffffffff. (Not very slave-like, I know but you can judge me later.  I'm aware of my flaws.)

His side of the argument was that it shouldn't matter how "extreme" or "inappropriate" his threat was - stop bothering him and nothing would come of it.  I didn't buy it.  Frankly, I still don't buy it.  I grew up in a household where I received extremist punishments for doing next to nothing wrong.  By the time I was 12, I simply stopped listening and started living by my own rules because I felt that it didn't matter if I was perfect, I was STILL going to end up in shit (my parents were a bit loopy).  So I did what I wanted and was better off for it.  I didn't want my relationship with Master to spiral in that direction.  He didn't seem to think it mattered.  He's boss: "just do as I say and it'll be fine".

That phrase is strangely comforting, yet infuriating.  Sometimes I feel very ready to accept that and I'm GLAD to accept it, knowing that it's true.  Other times I get in this OH YEA? GO FUCK YOURSELF! type of reaction even knowing that he's right.  It's weird.  I'm weird.  I'm not pretending that it's right or that it's justified behavior, but it is who I am damnit.  In the end, am I not still there every night?  I am.  I've never run out.  I couldn't bring myself to, even in my craziest of moments.

And so later that day (there was more shit, but it's too long/convoluted to detail here... I'm just giving you an idea of how it started) he sat me down and let me rant and rave like the lunatic that I am as I tried to explain just how fucking difficult this shit is for me.  I wasn't complaining, I was just trying to convey my point of view to him (something that is VERY tough).  And he pondered and said to me "If this has such a toll on you, maybe we should end this dynamic.  Maybe it isn't right for you."

It felt like the rug got pulled out from under my feet.  I thrive on knowing that he'll always be there to catch me when I fall, be there to correct me when I fuck up.... and that felt like him giving up on me.  It felt like being told that I was too much effort, too hard to keep in line, and that he'd rather just let me fall on my ass instead of continuing to catch me.  And I crumbled into 4 million little pieces and broke down into hysterical sobs.  It was the kind of weird hysteria that can't be soothed.  I was inconsolable.

He seemed satisfied with this reaction.  After talking through this and explaining that ending this dynamic was just not something I was capable of, he explained to me what the purpose of that remark had been.  I told him I couldn't undo what he had done to my mind, I have no other way of relating to him, no other way of FUNCTIONING anymore.  He's made me this way... had I not made progress?  Had we not put in all this work together, building something?  And one day's episode could tear it down?  I told him:

"I like to think.... I like to think that we can't go back from this.  I like to think that getting out of this isn't an option for me."

"It probably isn't," he said.  "I just wanted to see if you felt that way too."

What a mind fuck.  Frankly, I thought it was a cruel thing to do.  I still do.  But he can do that.  I don't think he understands how painful that was for me.  Yet, in the end, he was still there to catch me.. he just let me fall a little further than usual this time, for his own reasons.  I hope the experience was beneficial for us.  I hope that now he understands how ingrained he is, how ingrained his methods are, in my head and in my heart.  I hope I've shown him and given him reason to believe me.

Even after so many years.... I still fuck up.  I'm always going to fuck up.

*~zelda...