On Tears

This actually happened sometime last week, but I only just now have the energy to get to it.

I never cry from physical pain.  I've been tempted a few times (after a major surgery, for instance) but felt like I couldn't give into it.  At least in the case of the surgery, I was sure that if I gave into tears, the pain would take over and I wouldn't be able to stand it any longer.  I'm allergic to any opioid/opiate analgesics.  There was no option of popping the pain killers they'd gave me.  No out.  In some ways, I pride myself on being like my mother.  She has an extremely high pain tolerance.  She's given birth twice without any kind of drugs to help her along the way.  She's a very strong woman, and I've always admired that about her.

In any event, whenever Master takes to beating me (we call it "beating", but it feels odd using that word in a public forum because I feel like it implies that he's somehow forcing this on me.  Yet, even if he did, is that not his prerogative?  Anyway, rest assured, I've signed up for these beatings for life) it is much the same - I have to try to stay very present.  I have to stay on top of the pain.  There is no safeword, no out... if it becomes something I can't handle, I'm just.. fucked, for lack of a better word.  But last Thursday was different.

For some reason when he started, I was already determined to try and let go.  I've been having mental blocks lately about giving myself fully to him.  I'm not huge on Astrology, but I'm an air sign... we go to far away places.  Sometimes within ourselves, other times outside of ourselves, but it can be very easy to withdraw to some corner of my mind and stay there.  I am a space cadet at heart and in my past, it was key to surviving.  But I'm not trying to "survive" M/s.  I want to be there for it.  Shortly after he began, I could already feel tears pricking at the back of my eyes.  I didn't know why.  I cannot cry on command.  Sometimes it's hard for me to cry when I need to cry.  But there they were.

He pushed me farther than normal.  Not with intensity, but with the length of time.  He kept switching implements.  I was lost somewhere between the switch, his hands, and the paddle.  It was when he pulled out the little flogger that I lost it.  Ironically, it's a very tiny little thing.  It only leaves a surface sting, but let me tell you - it does sting, and I am not a fan of stinging.  After a few hard whacks with it... I lost control.  Well, I shouldn't say I lost control.  I wasn't in control of myself in the first place.  But rather, it finally came to the surface.  I had never cried during a beating before, and once Master noticed he stopped for a bit, let me sit up, and hug him.

He was kneeling on the bed and I was sitting, hugging his hips and crying somewhere next to his cock.  I wasn't upset or even hurt... it wasn't the pain that took me there, it was something else entirely.  I don't know what.  I remember looking up at him and having him wipe the tears from my cheeks and I was just... so, so happy.  I was still crying, but I was elated.  I tried to show him that, but I'm unsure if it came through.  Either way, it was wonderful.

Once I had calmed down slightly, he proceeded to mouth fuck me and then take me.  He had wanted me to take it from behind, but I asked if I could face him.  I was still raw emotionally and I felt like I would start crying again with faceless fucking (which is weird, since having it from behind is one of my favorites).  He obliged my request.  I think on some level, we both would have enjoyed pushing me farther but I think he was afraid of pushing too far too fast.  I'm not sure if I can expect the same kindness in the future.. perhaps it would depend on his mood at the time, like most things do.

In any event, I had never been to that place before.  I loved it.  I just hope it pleased him as much.

*~zelda...