Wednesday, March 9, 2011

I will miss you (both)

I am sure I will later feel like an idiot for posting this.

I don't like drama.  I don't like gossip.  And to be frank, I don't have any more details or information than anyone on the internet has.  This is not me airing out the dirty laundry of others.  This is me being... sad.

But the woman who inspired me to start blogging about... all of this in the first place has disappeared.  So has her partner.  They've both dropped off the face of the internet.  They have their reasons, even if I don't know what they are.  And I'm still hoping that things will work out for them both... somehow, even if it isn't the same as the previous arrangement.

I don't have any other way to get in touch with either of them.  I won't pretend that we were close, though I felt like I knew them through her writing.  But I was always inspired by that writing.  By both of them.  By the fet posts and the blogs and the infrequent private message passed along.  I'm going to miss those things... so much.

I have no email addresses.  I have no phone numbers.  I have no IM information.  Fetlife was the only form of "personal" contact I had before.  And now, one has deleted their profile entirely and the other has wiped it clean.  Maybe soon they'll both be gone entirely.  There is no way on this earth for me to find either of them again.

No way to give that final... word of goodbye and mention all the things I probably ought to have mentioned before.  She'd probably laugh at me and call me a loon (in a good natured sort of way).  But... I wish I had said those things.  I'm going to miss both of them so, so much.  I wish like hell there was a way to let either of them know that.

She doesn't know that she helped me understand a lot of the issues I've had as a slave and a submissive.  She doesn't know that she's the one who led me to fet in the first place.  She doesn't know how much I always wished that I could have someone like her as a mentor.  She doesn't know how her stories about her children helped me understand some of the things my own parents have said.  She doesn't know how she inspired me... in so many ways.  She doesn't know that I respected her immensely.  She doesn't know how much I admired her.  There is a lot that she doesn't know.

She doesn't know.

She'll probably never know now.



  1. It hurts. I'm sad. This loss is heavier than I ever imagined it would be.

    I know you're out there.
    If you see this, thank you.

  2. I don't know who you may be, anon... but I know how you feel. My hope is that she will see this someday. I'd just like her to know how much she did without even knowing.. and I'd like her to know that I'm grateful for it.