*sigh*

I don't want to make this post.  Really, I just don't.  I don't know if I have time... it's getting to be late in the morning.  Class will rear it's ugly head and soon I'll be swept up into the business of the day.  I like that feeling, on days like this.  If I stay busy, I don't wallow.  I don't hurt so much.  When I'm busy, I don't have to look in mirrors or think about this thing that my head is stuck inside of.  I don't have to think about what happened what happened last night or why I haven't said a word since 10:30 pm of yesterday.  I'll have to speak soon though, the world demands that.

I don't even want to say what has me so upset... you'll all think I'm stupid and irrational.  Frankly, I agree.  I am stupid and irrational.  But I can't get it out of my head.  I can't control how I feel.  I keep seeing it.  I wish my imagination weren't so vivid.  I make myself sick to my stomach.  I always imagine her in a burgundy or red g-string and a little sheer bra... Some sleek, sexy whore straddling him and rubbing all sorts of secret areas of herself onto areas of him that I consider sacred.  It cheapens the very temple I worship.  She has no secrets, though.  She's sold all that away - traded it for a filled bank account and a posh apartment somewhere uptown.  In my mind's eye, she is blonde and slender with an endearing crooked smile masking the corrosive evil beneath her skin.  Skin that is scented and beautiful, unmarred by cellulite or stretch marks.  She is beautiful, but she sickens me.  And nearly ten years later, she's hurting me.  I can see every move she makes on top of him.  But she cares nothing for him.  She only wants her tip, and then it's off to the next lonely man with a wallet crying harder than his heart.  It makes me sick.  It makes me sick to think about it, it makes me sick to write about it.  It happened twice.  It was before he even knew me.

So why does it hurt me so much?  Why do I keep thinking about it, seeing it?  Maybe it's because initially he lied about it... Or maybe, if I'm honest, it's because I know I'll never compare to that cheap little "performer".  PerformerS, I should say (remember, it happened twice).  I've never even touched another man... Master is my One and my Only.  I wouldn't want it any other way.  He assures me he doesn't, but I can't help but think he compares me to them.  Thin, beautiful, perfect enough for men to simply throw money at them for nothing in return.  When I'm on top of him, does he think of them?  Does he fantasize about it?  He says he doesn't... but my mind does what it does.

I wish I didn't hate myself.  I wish I could appreciate my own beauty.  I wish I could see what he says he sees.  But I can't.  I only see what I see.  I won't be able to eat today, I'm simply too sad.  Too sad after being reminded that some part of him must know what he's missing by dedicating himself to me.  Yea, I know - he's the Master, he wouldn't pick you if he didn't value you, on and on.... but that's logic.  I can rationalize that, and I understand and know it to be true.  But does that stop the ache in me?  No.  Not really.  I'm tired of feeling ugly and useless.  I'm tired of picturing these gross images in my head.  I wish he could take it away.

You're probably all reading this thinking about how pathetic and stupid I am for reacting this way.  And for that... I'm sorry.  I'm not normally like this.  I'm a strong person, powerful even (aren't we all?).  I have handled so much shit in my life I deserve a medal.  Maybe it's time to go back to the shrink... I've been doing so well the part 6-9 months, I thought therapy was unnecessary (ironically, I started seeing her to help me with my self-esteem issues in the first place).  Apparently not.  I'm still an idiot, nothing has changed about that.  I hurt my own feelings writing this post... but maybe I needed that.  I wish I could love myself...

I feel like I don't have anything else to say, but I don't want to stop writing.  When I'm done writing, I'll be by myself again.  Stuck here, with my sick imagination and the ache in my gut to keep me company.  I hope that today can get better.  I hope that maybe one day I'll stop being like this.  I don't want to go home tonight... I don't want to face his concerned gaze, his gentle stroking of my hair as he thinks "Poor stupid girl, twisting herself up inside".

This song makes me cry.

Grey Street - Dave Matthews Band.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Jow7c0EVXeM

Oh look at how she listens
She says nothing of what she thinks
She just goes stumbling through her memories
Staring out on to Grey Street

She thinks, “Hey,
How did I come to this?
I dream myself a thousand times around the world,
But I can’t get out of this place”

There’s an emptiness inside her
And she’d do anything to fill it in
But all the colors mix together - to grey
And it breaks her heart

How she wishes it was different
She prays to God most every night
And though she swears he doesn’t listen
There’s still a hope in her he might

She says, “I pray
But they fall on deaf ears,
Am I supposed to take it on myself?
To get out of this place”

There’s loneliness inside her
And she’d do anything to fill it in
And though it’s red blood bleeding from her now
It feels like cold blue ice in her heart
When all the colors mix together - to grey
And it breaks her heart

There’s a stranger speaks outside her door
Says take what you can from your dreams
Make them as real as anything
It’d take the work out of the courage

But she says, “Please
There’s a crazy man that’s creeping outside my door,
I live on the corner of Grey Street and the end of the world”

There’s an emptiness inside her
And she’d do anything to fill it in
And though it’s red blood bleeding from her now
It’s more like cold blue ice in her heart
She feels like kicking out all the windows
And setting fire to this life
She could change everything about her using colors bold and bright
But all the colors mix together - to grey
And it breaks her heart
It breaks her heart
To grey...

I hope he doesn't read this.

*~zelda...

Blah...

I haven't got much to say.  I've been sick.  I went to the doctor this morning because I thought I had a UTI, but I appear to have driven it away by drowning myself in water.  That's the big secret - if you think you're starting to get one, start in with the water, the cranberry juice, and cranberry extract supplements.  I think I'm safe for now.  Though I did learn that PURE, unadulterated cranberry juice tastes like a nightmare.  If wine is the blood Christ, then this shit must have come straight from Satan's veins.  I am NOT a fan.  You have been warned. lol

Master and I have both been tired and blah for a few days now.  It's hot and humid and gross outside, which always leaves me feeling less than motivated to do anything.  I'm fighting with food again (aren't we all?), which I don't like.  Somedays I just want to sit down and eat a pizza.  *sigh* Boy, what I would give for a day of calorie-free bingeing!  lol

This isn't a particularly kink-tastic post.  Apologies.  I just wanted to write for a little while, it relaxes me when I feel like there is simply too much to do.  I am exhausted and it is only Tuesday.  This disheartens me slightly.  At least the bulk of my week will be over tomorrow.  For me, M-T-W are the three rough days, then I get Thursday and Friday to relax a little more.  Still, there is a lot going on this week.  And next week.  And the week after that.  And... fuuu-. T_T

One day at a time, right kids?

I want to serve Master, but he's been letting me off easy because I haven't been feeling well.  Although I miss the service, I'm always grateful that he allows me the recovery time.  He even went out and bought me breakfast yesterday morning because he is secretly a giant sweetheart and he loves me.  Our anniversary is coming up (mid-October).  I'm trying to think of what to get him... What do you give to a man who has owned you for 6 years that you haven't given him already?  Suggestions are welcome.

*~zelda...

What I Promised

I promised to deliver a post later today, so here I am.  I swear this post will not be entirely about tea. xD  I apologize for that earlier stint, just spreading the love around!  But anyway...

Master and I had a bit of a bumping of heads last night.  I don't want to go into the details (I know you're all just DYING to hear about my emotional issues, right? *sarcasm*) because the situation has essentially been resolved and I don't want to start picking the scabs too heavily.  So no gossip today and no dirty laundry.  Sorry.  Maybe you'll get some of that some other day.

The thing about last night's issue is that... it's just a reminder of how small he can make me feel.  Sometimes I don't think he knows what he's capable of doing to me.  When he disregards me, I feel totally insignificant, like I'm just another shadow in the room cast by the bedside lamp.  When he outright ignores me..?  I may as well not exist.  He's the only thing that is particularly important to me.  When he acts like I'm not there?  I'm not there.  When he acts like I don't matter?  I don't matter.  That's simply the way of it.  I do recognize that it's his prerogative to do those things, in some sense... yet it doesn't make it any less painful.  In particular, when it happens after a cutting remark that I find humiliating...

The humiliation floods over me, and then it's like I'm not there.  He turns his head away and falls asleep.  And at that moment? ...I'm really gone.  Like a tree falling in the forest with no one to hear it, it's as if I simply evaporate in his world.  But what happens when you're the tree?  You still snap in half.  Your branches still break.  All the adornments that you've spent time cultivating cease to matter.  Is it worse when someone cuts the tree down, but leaves before the damn thing can fall?  A senseless fate.  No molding.  No transformations from tree into oak furniture or into a home or even into paper.  Cut down and left to seep into the earth as mulch.  Is that worse when it's both intentional and senseless?

Yesterday, I was that tree.  Alone on the floor of the forest with no one around to hear me fall.

I won't lie.  That was very painful.

*~zelda...

A Post I Don't Have Time For...

I want to make a post about something in particular.  Unfortunately, I have work in 10 minutes and I don't have the time to write.  But I'm making this post to remind myself (to promise myself) that I'll come back and ramble about what's on my mind.

In the mean time, (and no - this is not a paid endorsement! lol) I have something tasty for you all.  Are you a tea person?  So am I!  I very recently, as in 2 days ago, discovered an amazing tea shop in my area.  They have stores in quite a few states AND you can order online which is great if there are no stores near you or if your shop is out of a specific tea that you wanted.  They are... Teavana.  They sell exquisite loose leaf teas of all varieties and I have fallen in LOVE.  Even Master likes it and he is not a "tea man" so to speak.  If you have on near you, I definitely recommend checking it out.  They'll have samples for you and they'll even let you smell/see the tea leaves before you commit to a purchase.

Also, I bought myself this amazing thermos/tea tumbler.. thing.  It's gorgeous.

Harmony Glass Tea Tumbler

You can't see it in the picture, but it has a mesh filter at the top to stop the tea leaves from getting in your mouth.  Or if it is a tea that can't be oversteeped, just put the leaves on TOP of the filter (not in the glass), turn your tumbler upside down for the required steeping time, turn it right side up, and remove the tea leaves.  This keeps my tea nice and hot for about 3 hours and "warm" for even longer, while remaining cool enough to carry around.

Sorry for the advertisement, but I'm sitting here sipping some truly excellent Jasmine Green Tea and enjoying it so much that I wanted to share my discovery.  After all, kinky people need tea too!  The great thing about loose leaf teas is you can make your own blends.  I've blended the Jasmine Green Tea with an herbal Strawberry Lemon-ish tea and have found that the combination is to die for.  I haven't tried icing it yet, but I'm going to.  They're also excellent teas on their own.

Seriously, if you love tea, check these guys out!  I've fallen in love.

*~zelda...

(who promises to be back with a serious post later today)

Sweet Clairvoyance

Remember how yesterday I said that, despite being tired as hell and in no mood to be used, I'd end up either being smacked with something, his cock in my mouth, or his cock somewhere a bit too deep inside...?

Yea.  All three of those things happened.  Who would have guessed? :P

I swear, I've got special powers or something...

*~zelda...

There is a car on fire.. No, seriously you guys.

I'm sitting in the apartment of two good friends of mine.  I'm distracted and exhausted from last night.

..Actually, I've been sitting here for a few minutes trying to think of how to explain last night without TOTALLY giving away my identity to the interwebz.  Essentially, where I live, a car caught fire about 10 feet away from our building.  Randomly.  For no apparent reason.  Master and I go to bed fairly early compared to some.  We're up early, so we sleep early.  We had just finished a lovely section.  I'd received a very nice beating (not too hard, not too soft... JUST enough to send me off to that warm, floaty place after it was over).  Naturally, despite my floaty merriment, Master wanted to fuck me.  He got his way.  He usually does (meanie :P).  He wanted me on my back.  I told him I didn't want to, my ass hurt to much to lay on it... I ended up rolling over and obliging anyway... of course.  The pain stopped bothering me and even though I was tired, the fucking felt REALLY good.  When he came, I think we both wanted to keep going (and for about 30 seconds, he didn't pull out and continued fucking me slowly), but due to various circumstances, we decided against it.. I was tired.  I was pleased.  I felt warm and tingly and happy.  I was exhausted, even after only one orgasm.  I cuddled up to him and prepared to fall asleep for the night, wrapped in my Master-provided bliss and comfort.

Not 10 minutes later, I get a text.

"The building's on fire."

Immediate adrenaline rush.  The merry, warm, floating sensations are gone.  I sat up in bed.  "Literally?" was my reply.  It was sent by a close pal, who happens to live near by.

"A car spontaneously combusted right outside..."

Dude.  Wut.  So, in order to ensure it was not in fact MY car that was on fire (or Master's), we both had to throw on clothes, putter outside in the rain, and observe the flaming car.  Let me tell you, that car was EXCEEDINGLY on fire.  More on fire than most things I've seen that are flaming.  It was pretty bad.  I'm VERY thankful that it didn't spread to any of the buildings.  I'm also very thankful it was either of our cars.  I felt so badly for the kid who owned the car, though...  I would simply be sick to my stomach had it been one of us.  I hope he's doing okay today.

In any event, I was pumped on adrenaline for the rest of the night and didn't get to bed until 1 or 2 in the morning.  Up at 6 to get Master to work.  He was late today, by the way... a product of freakishly bad traffic that popped up after he'd dropped me off at school *sigh*.  I felt very bad about that too.  So, THAT was my night last night and THAT is why I'm so fucking tired today.  I have to attend a seminar in the early evening (about an hour from now) and then that's it for the day.  Well.. that's it until Master comes home. :P  I have no idea what he'll want me to do tonight.

That's part of the fun though, I suppose.  You just never KNOW what they'll want from you... even when you're wiped out and in no mood so suck anyone's cock, get hit with anything, or deal with the repeated ramming of your cervix.

Funny how I always end up with either his dick in my mouth, getting whacked with something or other, being VIOLENTLY fucked in the deepest parts of my nether regions, or all of the above, AND... I still get wet anyway.  My body betrays me and he - unfortunately - knows this very well.  Damn. :P

*~zelda...

Not much to report on...

Before I go off, I just wanted to note that I've added an email address for anyone who reads to contact me (or Master) at.  It's just to your left at the bottom of the "About Me" section.  Feel free to use it to get in touch with one or both of us if there's something you'd like to say, but don't want to comment about.

~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~

As the title implies, there isn't a lot going on out here.  Well, technically there is lots going on, but nothing kinky or exciting.  I have papers due.  I have assloads of reading.  There is work.  Master has shit to do *happily twiddles thumbs on the back burner*.  I shouldn't say that because it will make him feel bad or make him think I feel neglected... but I don't at all.  He's just very busy and tired and stressed and.. well, you know.  He needs a slave willing to fetch him water and cuddle him, not one who is whining and begging for a pain-session.  Which I can do and I do happily.  I love cuddles.  I am a cuddle whore. :P

I've been working pretty hard on keeping my mouth in order and actually?  For once?  I think it's been going well.  I have a hard time not vomiting bitch and attitude all over the place.  It's in my nature.  It's part of what attracted him to me.  But hey, no one wants that all the time.  I'd say my efforts are paying off.  I wish I could be this happy being this complacent all the time.  Inevitably, I'll experience a slip.  I start to get all self-obsessed and go "Nuuuuu, I'm LOSING MYSELF.  I need to be LOUD-MOUTHED and PISSED and BITCHY all the damn time or else I AM NOT ME.  Woe is my lack of autonomy!" and then I act out for anywhere from a day to... well, a while.  Sometimes it's one giant freak out, other times I'll have mini hiccups over a long period of time.  I don't know why it happens.  Maybe I'm not a "true slave" because *le gasp* I have internal turmoil over my subjugation.  Maybe it's because it goes against my very nature (Master, I think, may disagree and think it does not go against my natural grain.  I believe very strongly that it does).

But, I need it.  I crave it.  I'm miserable without it.  And, as inevitable as the freak outs are, so is the realization that I require this and then I settle down into my "happy space".  Sometimes even happy space is scary.  That little twitch of doubt that creeps up my spine sometimes... knowing that my life is in someone else's hands can be, if we're all honest, terrifying.  But isn't it also all the more reassuring?  Knowing that when you stumble, he'll help you catch your balance.  If you fall, he'll help you to your feet.  If you break, he'll help you pick up the pieces.... because he's always there.  Because you're his.

I'm his...

I'm so lucky.  And I'm even more thankful.

Thank you, Master.

*~zelda...

A Muddle (or Am I?)

Two things for today.  The first one is something Master wanted me to talk about for whatever reason and the second one is just me mumbling.

So the first one.  I found a very interesting "club" in the city where we live.  Technically it is a swingers club, but you don't have to be swingers to go (which is good seeing as we aren't swingers in the least).  What attracted me to this club is the fact that they have private play space.  I have heard of lots of places with big, public dungeons, but they're always designed for lots of people to use at the same time which is intimidating to me.  But with private play space?  Imagine the fun and frolicking that could happen.  Though I suppose I should mention that there wouldn't actually BE an frolicking and that Master would be having all the fun while I get beaten with whatever his instrument of choice would be... but that's fun for some of us I guess. :P

But, here is the interesting part.  Some of the "private" areas (complete with locking doors, might I add) have one wall that is a window.  That's right.  Open glass where total strangers can pass on by and see whatever it is that you're doing.  Should you change your mind midway through (or perhaps you only want part of your encounter to be on display), one can simply draw a curtain over the window and enter into totally private space again.

Now, to a good many of you I'd imagine that this is no big deal.  But I've been cloistered inside Master's house. :P And while we're both a bit "shy" in the sense that we generally prefer not to be gawked at and prefer not to share, Master likes the idea of "showing me off".  Why do I like this idea though?  I'm frightfully shy about sex in public, I don't have great body image, and I couldn't stand the idea of someone laughing at me.... but it's the humiliation.  If he tells me to stand or lay still and take whatever he gives me regardless of who is watching or what they're doing...? I'd do it.  I might cry, I might be so nervous that I'd be jittery or nauseous... but I would do it.  I think it would be an interesting experience for us both to finally get to "play" in front of others.  I'd be scared (and it doesn't help that he has told me that people watching will "make it easier" to go all out and hurt me more), but I would do my damn best.

Now for my little piece of the pie.

So today, I started my period.  Yes, I know everyone is here waiting for minute-by-minute live updates on what my uterus is doing but I feel that this is relevant (possibly) to the following ramble.  I won't bog down this post with the details, but this morning I seemed to have it in my head that Master was mostly interested in me for sex and not much else.  I am aware this is ridiculous.  Most people aren't in committed, 6-years-long relationships just because the other person is THAT good at fucking.  Well, maybe.  But not likely.  At any rate, the point is, I was sort of stuck there.  Frankly it's FINE that he wants sex all the damn time.  I take it as a compliment.  He's interested in me, he seeks me out to fulfill his needs and desires because he knows I can and I will.

The disturbance comes in when I start to fear that (if this really WAS his main focus) one day, I won't be enough.  I'll get older, I'll get fatter, I'll get sick... any number of things that.. you know, happen to human beings over time?  I'm always afraid I won't be good enough.  I have no right to feel this way.  He doesn't do anything to make me think/feel that this is or ever would be true.  I don't have the right to decide whether or not I'm "pleasing" enough for him.  It's not my job, it's his.  Honestly, after this long, it seems fairly bratty/stupid for me to sit around be like "NO Master.  I'm not good enough.  I'm ugly and too fat and I look terrible and I don't give you enough sex and I'm a shitty slave who makes mistakes sometimes".  It really just... undermines A - his taste/preferences B - the effort/time he has put into me and our relationship C - probably other crap that I'm being too hasty to even consider (bad me).

So in essence, sometimes being hormonal makes me think weird things.  Sometimes I don't even have the excuse of being hormonal, I just get stuck on self-blame or self-deprecation.  I shouldn't do that.  I've been working on it for years, but it stays tough.  Maybe that's just how it's going to be - it doesn't mean I won't stop trying.  I just want to please him... and yet sometimes I can't even accept that he is pleased.  I need to learn to just take what he says and accept it.  We'd probably both be happier that way.

But hey.. I never claimed to be good at this.  I'm no natural.  I just promise to try and give it my all.

*~zelda..

Yes, I'm alive

This is so infrequently updated that it's ridiculous. It's the thought that counts, right? Not really. You can't read my thoughts, so I suppose it may not count. Then again, I don't think anyone actually reads this so mayhaps it does. In any event, this post will not be well put together since I'm scatter-brained and tired from the ridiculous amount of fucking I endured last night (poor me, right? :P).

In any event, Fet. It's so full of... meh, there aren't words. I don't want to quote anything specific because this has nothing to do with specific people and I don't believe any of this is personal in any way, shape, or form. (Hint: This means if you think "WHOA IS SHE TALKING ABOUT ME???", I'm not. These are all general remarks directed at no individual in particular.) But I just wanted to mumble about it in my own special way.

So, here they are - the Red Flaggers. They flounce about, leaving a trail of red flags behind them (frequently while capitalizing RED FLAG for EMPHASIS because it's such a BIG RED FLAG). People have opinions and people have their own ideas. I respect that. I understand the fact that {some} people want to call everything that doesn't mesh with their own personal philosophy abuse. I don't attempt to change that behavior. I might speak up if I feel they've said something totally out of line, (i.e. ZOMG, ALL SLAVES ARE INSANE AND YOU NEED COUNSELING IF YOU'D CONSENT TO THAT, THERE ARE RED FLAGS EVERYWHERE, AHHHHH) if only to point out to others who are reading that the poster is misguided, but I don't expect the out-of-line one to change their red flag tossing ways.

So why do they all expect ME (us?) to change. There are many who seem to take it as a personal affront if someone doesn't respond with a "Oh you're right, I'm very abused and will now seek counseling and end my fulfilling relationship because you have said it is abusive & contains red flags. Thank you for enlightening me". But the fact is, it isn't fucking personal. Just because I (or someone else) says that in their relationship, X and Y would not fly does not mean that I'm expecting the OP or another poster to alter their life to match mine. It's simply a matter of comparison and explain to the other person that there are other ways of doing things. "This is how things work in my relationship" does not auto-translate into "You're doing it wrong". Maybe they should consider doing something different if it's really making them so unhappy...? Maybe that relationship style isn't right for them.

As an example, Master and I are monogamous. Neither of us would do well in a poly relationship. Do I run around telling everyone who is poly that their relationship is "clearly abusive" and that they are being "used" or "taken advantage of" simply because it's something I can't envision myself doing? No. I don't. I am mostly just glad for them that they have a relationship that works for them and fulfills them. I don't cry abuse and red flags about it. Nor would I run up to someone in engaged in a bedroom-only D/s relationship and tell them that they're inferior to me or that they're WRONG and need counseling to see how a 24/7 relationship would complete their lives.

But WAIT. No. Now we're just sufferers of "twue-ness". Now we're condoning abuse because we're not all hugging each other and crying about how abused we feel. Also, we must be abused and/or insane because we can't see how fucked up our own lives are. Oh and don't forget, we're all heartless cunts too. Har har.

It just gets dull after a while. I don't understand why people who don't even understand how M/s works are so ready to pass judgement on the concept and anyone involved with it. Over the past week, I have seen SO MANY misconceptions about M/s (and/or O/p. I am bad with labels so I often use M/s as a blanket term. If this is confusing/offensive, sorry) being propagated that it was ridiculous. I don't want to list them in order to avoid pointing fingers, but I can say that I did respond to at least one of them personally.

The other thing that makes me laugh? The occasional post that pops up about how "slaves/subs/bottoms really have all the control anyway" because they "set all the limits, can stop the 'scene' at any time, blah blah". Yea. Maybe in YOUR hunky-dory universe, that is the case. It is not really so for me. It is not so for a great many people, on and off of Fet. I actually brought up this concept to Master and he literally just kind of lol-ed in my face. Please keep in mind, I'm glad for this. I like it that way. IT IS WHAT I SIGNED UP FOR. If people DON'T like that, maybe they shouldn't have signed up for it. I know, people make mistakes. So why don't they exercise their super-awesome bottom control power and leave to find something that actually works for them?

I respect and understand the fact that other people don't live like me. I would never look down on someone who does not live 24/7, does not do M/s, or any other type of TPE. People are different. People have different shit that works for them. Really, I'm cool with it. So why is everyone else so ready and willing to condemn the entire concept of M/s and all the people involved in it? It doesn't really bother me to have shit like "you need counseling" thrown in my face, but I just get irritated when I'm extending a courtesy to someone else and it isn't returned. I'm fine with people living differently. Other people might try being fine with that too, but apparently that's too much to ask.

Blah. /end fetlife rant. Apologies for my rambles.

*~zelda...