March Q&A, part two

How did you meet?

This is cliche, but a mutual friend introduced us.  She had known me for years and had just recently met my Master.  I remember her telling me "You would like him.  He's an asshole.", and I thought... what?  Why?  That's a weird thing to say.  And he WAS (is <_<) an asshole.  We simultaneously hit it off and somewhat disliked one another.  I thought he was a misogynist with a chip on his shoulder and he thought I was a femi-nazi.  But he became my best friend.  We had both "given up" on relationships all together.  We occasionally comforted one another after other feeble attempts at dating.

Why are other people idiots?  What is with these people?  Why does everyone only want BOOTY CALLS?  We were both rather traditional as far as relationships went and neither of us were the type to jump into bed with people at random.  We weren't trusting.  We were cloistered, closed, and frankly... hiding from the hurt other people had the potential to wield.  And it took.. *counts* 5-6 months of being pals before I was informed that I was beautiful and that he loved me.  That's... the short version of how things started.  I will admit to omitting details, but this story is precious to me and I don't want to risk screwing it up.  So you get the short version... I hope no one minds terribly.

Did you know before you got together that you wanted a dynamic like this? Or did it develop after you were a couple?

I think he knew in the back of his mind, somewhere.  I don't think either of us were totally aware of the details of BDSM.  We knew what bondage was and we knew what sadomasochism was, but the details about how these dynamics were "supposed to work" (we were such noobs!  "Supposed to".. ha) were lost on us, as were the various options such as D/s, M/s, O/p.... etc.  He used to always talk about how he would NEVER be in a relationship where he wasn't in charge.  Being equally aggressive, I sort of just humored him and shook my head, knowing that whether he knew it or not, I'd eventually be in control.  With or without his acceptance or even his realization.

Well... that was wrong.  The details are actually fuzzy to me.  We started dating in an October, and eight months later in June, I received my first collar.  It's actually the leather one in my fetlife profile pic.  (Trivia: that collar actually suffered a sad fate during our recent move in November.  It wasn't really anyone's fault... but I'm still really sad that it's gone because it was my first and it meant a lot to me.  I'm a sentimental lass at times.  But, Master is still around. :) So I'm sure I'll get over it)  At the time, it was very standard to give to a new submissive (which is what I identified as initially, I think..): one inch leather, o-ring.

In all honesty, the details of the transformation from vanilla (but we were never REALLY vanilla... we just didn't know what to call it and it wasn't formalized.. but yea.  Neither of us were ever "normal"), to D/s, to Ms/Op are sort of lost on me.  I wish I could remember it more clearly... but I can't.  I wonder why that is?  I just know that once our toes were in the water, it didn't take long for me to end up as his slave.  Master isn't the kind of man who could live only in the bedroom or with limits on his control... he's like ivy - he's got to be everywhere.  That means he's healthy.  Frankly, I wouldn't have it any other way.

I've always been SO GRATEFUL that I didn't have to look for a kinky partner seeking a dynamic.  I didn't know it was what I wanted.  But I got lucky and landed my perfect companion very quickly... and he came equipped with all these awesome ownership features! lol

Who was first interested in the dynamic you have now?

I think I sort of answered this above.  It was a bit of both of us, but it was mostly him.  He lead me down the rabbit hole with a neat little trail of breadcrumbs and treats.

I'm still following him.

*~zelda...

(Brought to you again by Little Monkey)
Keep the questions coming if you've got them, dear readers!

I will miss you (both)

I am sure I will later feel like an idiot for posting this.

I don't like drama.  I don't like gossip.  And to be frank, I don't have any more details or information than anyone on the internet has.  This is not me airing out the dirty laundry of others.  This is me being... sad.

But the woman who inspired me to start blogging about... all of this in the first place has disappeared.  So has her partner.  They've both dropped off the face of the internet.  They have their reasons, even if I don't know what they are.  And I'm still hoping that things will work out for them both... somehow, even if it isn't the same as the previous arrangement.

I don't have any other way to get in touch with either of them.  I won't pretend that we were close, though I felt like I knew them through her writing.  But I was always inspired by that writing.  By both of them.  By the fet posts and the blogs and the infrequent private message passed along.  I'm going to miss those things... so much.

I have no email addresses.  I have no phone numbers.  I have no IM information.  Fetlife was the only form of "personal" contact I had before.  And now, one has deleted their profile entirely and the other has wiped it clean.  Maybe soon they'll both be gone entirely.  There is no way on this earth for me to find either of them again.

No way to give that final... word of goodbye and mention all the things I probably ought to have mentioned before.  She'd probably laugh at me and call me a loon (in a good natured sort of way).  But... I wish I had said those things.  I'm going to miss both of them so, so much.  I wish like hell there was a way to let either of them know that.

She doesn't know that she helped me understand a lot of the issues I've had as a slave and a submissive.  She doesn't know that she's the one who led me to fet in the first place.  She doesn't know how much I always wished that I could have someone like her as a mentor.  She doesn't know how her stories about her children helped me understand some of the things my own parents have said.  She doesn't know how she inspired me... in so many ways.  She doesn't know that I respected her immensely.  She doesn't know how much I admired her.  There is a lot that she doesn't know.

She doesn't know.

She'll probably never know now.

*~zelda...

First Question

I received this question quite some time ago from an awesome reader of mine.  You can find her here. :)  Sorry it has taken me so many centuries to respond to this.

"At the bottom of your blog you have a "Rules" heading, but nothing else ...do you have rules already? Set ones? Would you be willing to share them with me if you do?"


I really owe you a personal response, so this post is written up just for you.  Feel free to send me another note if you have more questions after what I write here.

The first part, about the Rule section on this blog?  I'm not even sure what that's for, to be perfectly honest. Master put that there when he was still playing with the layout of the blog.  I think he just forgot to take it out. :P

But, there are some "set" rules in place.  It's somewhat confusing because earlier in the relationship, there were more established rules and ritual type... things in place.  I believe that was to give me some structure in the early days when I had no damn idea what I was doing.  Structure is comforting (to me) when I'm new at something.  And TRUST me, the concept of being submissive was pretty damn foreign at the time.

Currently, the one "big rule" is that whatever he says goes.  Sometimes this is more imposing than others.  Somedays, I don't get any orders from him other than perhaps a "come here and lay with me" or "get me some more water" (typically accompanied by a please.  The man is polite, whether he wants to admit it or not).  Somedays, there's a bit more.  Other days, more still.

Occasionally we go through periods of "micromanaging".  These stretches of time essentially follow an over-arching theme: if I am not told to do it, I have to ask.  For everything.  EVERYTHING.  Eating, the bathroom, etc.  Even those very basic functions required to survive are managed by him.  I think I might be allowed to scratch myself without asking, though lol.  I don't think either of us could live like that permanently.  I would turn into an drooling boob-zombie and he would go crazy having to answer 5000 questions a day.  But sometimes I need the return to that structure for my own sake, other time I think he just enjoys it.  Personally, I like the way our relationship is fluid and that we can function both with me being totally dependent on him or with a little more autonomy on my part.  Flexibility is good.

I'll try to think of the rules that are in play all the time.  I don't think we've ever sat down and formalized them.  Hell, I might even forget some just because I've been living that way so long that I forget it even was a rule established by someone else.  ... And it's thoughts like that that remind me who belongs to who. <_< Anyway, here are some rules:

1 - I must obey any direct order or command.  That's just the nature of the beast relationship.
2 - There are certain male friends that I'm not allowed to go places with alone.  These are people who have demonstrated a blatant sexual interest in me, so it's not without cause.
3 - I am not to be alone with another male in our bedroom (or the other male's bedroom) unless I receive his permission first.  In general, permission requires a reason.  I.e., we're doing research or some project for school together and their computer lives in their bedroom.
4 - I am not allowed to masturbate without his permission. (Sometimes this changes to "If you masturbate, you have to tell about it afterward".  Sometimes this rule disappears entirely).
5 - We're monogamous.  Any (willing) sexual interaction with another man is grounds to end the relationship permanently and without question.

That's actually all I can think of right now.  Honestly, number 1 encompasses a whole lot of other things.
I'm sure there are some that I forgot about due to the reason noted above.  I'm sure Master will have me update the post if there is something I forgot about.

I hope this answers your question!  Things aren't always perfectly defined.  We don't live by a contract or anything even remotely close.  Things operate the way he wants them to, and that can change on a day to day basis.  But hey, I like being kept on my toes.  And I enjoy the fluidity.

*~zelda...

March Q&A

Hello to all of you.

I have neglected to mention that this month is some variety of "question and answer" celebration in blog-land.  Comment with any questions or you can email me with them.  My email lives to your left in that text blurb under my avatar.  Alternatively, you can send me questions on Fetlife if you have me added there.  In fact, I owe a particular reader an answer to a question that was asked of me last month. xD So perhaps I'll start there.

I'll do my best to be candid and answer questions honestly, but if I feel something would identify me or Master too easily, I may have to ignore it.  Naturally, Master has veto power on which questions I can answer so if I skip you for some reason, you can always blame him. :)

Ask away.

*~zelda...

Fluid Sense of Self

I want you to crush me in your hand
While I can still call myself "me"...

So, I'm resistant to change.  Of any sort.  Change in my environment, change in other people, change in my own habits, and (especially) changes inside myself.  I'm pretty.. content with where I'm at.  I like me.  I like who I am (on the inside... the outside still has a lot of self-esteem issues, but that's a different post).  In any event, I'm satisfied with myself as a person.  I don't think there is anything wrong with me.  I don't think I need to change...

And for some reason, I seem to think that obedience and surrender are going to drastically alter me beyond the point of no return.  If I were to become readily obedient, less questioning.. could I still call myself me?  The idea of Master making changes to me as a person scares me.  Of course, he's already done that a few times - typically without me realizing that it was even happening.  Sometimes, I never even noticed at all and he had to tell me about the change he had seen in me.  Given that it's already happened and given that every time it has happened, it's been for the better?  I don't know why the idea still scares the shit out of me.  I feel like it's holding me back, like there is some small part of myself I'm not giving to him because I'm too busy grasping hold of it like a fucking lifeline.

And that makes me feel really, truly awful.

I guess to some people that might seem weird. I mean, self preservation is programmed into us.  We're supposed to (used loosely), as humans, do things like that.  But it makes me feel guilty.  It makes me feel like I'm not doing everything I can.  It makes me feel like I'm not sacrificing enough.

...It makes me feel like a failure.

I've never striven for perfection with myself (as a human being, at least).  I believe flaws make us who we are.  That's probably why I think that altering myself, even in the case of improving "flaws" or "faults", will make me be... not me anymore.  I fucking love my faults.  But on the other hand, I'm not crying over the things that have already changed in me, am I?  It makes no sense.  And more importantly... why I am I so afraid of losing myself?  I'm not sure I have the right to a "self" anymore, other than what he gives me.

Part of the fear, I think, may stem from him as well.  Some years ago, he confessed to me that he was afraid I was "losing myself in him".  I think that scared him.  I'm not sure why.  If he reads this, I'm not sure he'll even remember this conversation because he's probably moved beyond those concerns by now.  But it's always 5 times as scary when Master is afraid of the same things I am.  And if I were to become something or someone else... would he still love me?  I wonder that a lot.

But someone said something to me the other day.  Actually, this wasn't really said "to me".  I was in class and so it was in an academic context, but the study of psychopathology is nearly always personal on some level or another.  I was listening to this girl (a lovely Bulgarian I've grown rather fond of) say something along these lines:

"I don't know why people are always so fixed on this one set 'thing' that they feel they have to conform to in order to be themselves.  I sometimes think people would be much happier if they could have a fluid sense of self and embrace change.  Perhaps then they could see they are as much themselves now as they were thirty years ago."


That was like being punched in the face.  I'm always going to be me, regardless of what happens.  And I think I want to be subsumed by him.

I've always loved this song.  It's in Japanese, but I'll give translated lyrics here.  Both the lyrics and the song are beautiful and relatable to me as a slave.

Chou (Butterfly) - Amano Tsukiko [YouTube Link]


"I crawled underground digging a tunnel
Not knowing how far the tunnel would go on for
With my soil-covered scoop in one hand
I was searching for your arm


As I gathered up my patchy happiness and sowed it
I was crushed by your strength


Burning
Burning
The scar on my palm that won’t go away
Ripping through the gaps in the red clouds with my tattered wings
Finding a me who can fly well


Where will the eternity I drew while I was in my cocoon
Put out its bud and open its flower?
The morning eventually brings back the night
Captivating me


Moonlight
I believed that as I groped around
My arm would get tangled with yours and I’d find where you are


Burning out
Burning out
You won’t come back to the place we promised
Running through the black earth in shattering pain
Finding a me who can fly well


If I can’t hear you scream
I want you to crush me in your hand
While I can still call myself “me”
Your arm holding me back becomes silent dust
I just quietly
Looked up at the sky


Burning
Burning
The scar on my palm that won’t go away
Ripping through the gaps in the red clouds with my tattered wings


Burning out
Burning out
You won’t come back to the place we promised
Finding a me who can fly well..."


*~zelda...

Opening...

I've been feeling somewhat closed off lately.

I want.. need to be force open again.

A reclaiming, of sorts.  I feel I've grown too autonomous and that frightens me.

Pull me back in, love?

*~zelda...

Happy Birthday to Me

Well, it's not actually my birthday today.  It was several days ago.  I've been out of the loop due to a bad cold (aren't I LUCKY?) and.... due to a lovely 3 night, 4 day vacation brought to me by Master.  It was my birthday present... and what a present it was.  We stayed at an ocean front hotel pretending that we were extremely wealthy from Thursday to Sunday.  It was more wonderful than I can say.  Master and I have travelled together before, but never alone together.  It was really lovely.  I can't wait to do it again, even if that opportunity won't present itself for a few years.

There wasn't a lot of BDSMish (or even M/s-ing) going on.  Mostly because I was sick, but also because I think Master has a soft spot for me around my birthday. :3  I felt more like a pampered princess than a slave.  I barely lifted a finger that entire trip.  I would feel strange living that way permanently, but I won't lie... I really appreciated it this past weekend.  It was romantic in a classic sort of way, which I never thought was my "style", but I'd be lying if I tried to tell you I wasn't enjoying it immensely.

Bubble baths for two in an oversized jacuzzi tub in our bathroom, boxes of chocolates in bed, glasses of merlot on the beach at sunset, sex in the shower, sex by the fireplace.... Well, you get the point.  It was simply amazing.  I may post some pictures of the room/the beach later, if I'm allowed.  Sadly the Bossman isn't around to ask right this minute.  It's unfortunate that I was pretty sick for about a day and a half of the trip, but it was still 100% worth it.  I'm so glad he allowed this to happen and I can't thank him enough.  It was the best birthday I've ever had (and I've had some really lovely birthdays in my day).

So thank you, Master.  Thank you so, so much.

~*~*~*~*~*~*~

Now that I'm back home, I have to get back into that slavish mindset I've been fighting so hard against lately.  *sigh*  Does anyone else have this problem?  Any other non-twue, non-"born slaves" out there? It's like I go through cycles.  Sometimes I just throw myself at his feet without argument, other times I can't manage the word "please" without world war 3.  I honestly don't know what the fuck my problem is sometimes.  It'd be great to figure that out.  As a budding clinical psychologist, I really wish that we had BDSM therapy... you know, to help us work out our issues with serving, etc.?  Or maybe some therapuetic sessions for Masters to learn how to properly subjugate their property?  Maybe even some couples therapy to help out floundering relationship dynamics?

Such a dream is lofty.  There is, really, no one out there qualified to "teach" any of us how to be better slaves, Masters, pairs, whatever else.  You can read books, attend seminars, have mentors... but really, no one has those qualifications and I don't believe you'd find TOO many answers there (although of those 3 things, I do believe a mentor might be the most helpful.  I've never had one myself, but I often wished I did.  That may or may not be misguided).  The fact is, you've got to figure out that shit for yourself, and that's a lifetime-long task for some of us...

Honestly, sometimes I'm jealous of M-types because it seems like they have the "easy" job (if there even is one).  It is easy to perceiving topping as all gain and no pain.  Perhaps I'm only jealous because I'm not one, but I honestly wonder... what do they struggle with?  If there are any Tops out there, I'd love to hear your take on it.

*~zelda...

P.S. - Kelly!  I got your email some days ago, but have been struggling with a good way to answer.  I didn't forget, I just suck at phrasing things properly.  I'll have a reply soon.

In Your Nature

I'm really tired of being told that you cannot be a slave without a burning desire to serve.  No, not that you need to want to serve your Master/Owner and simply be satisfied with that, but that even while unowned, apparently you're supposed to find yourself laying down over puddles to keep strangers' feet dry or bowing down in obeisance to random people hoping they'll provide you with something to do because damnit, YOU WERE BORN TO SERVE.

That's all well and good for some people, I suppose.  But I can't stand hearing shit about how "true slaves" (or shall we say, twue) have service and submission into their nature.  Or even beyond that, that one cannot be called a slave without having this allegedly constant, ever-present desire/trait.

HINT: Being submissive is not fucking in my "nature".  It is not in my personality.  I grew up smashing anyone who got in my way (or in the way of a loved one) and being better off for it.  I am an aggressor and a protector.  I didn't want to crawl on my hands and knees with a collar choking me and a butt plug jammed into my ass.  I didn't want to give myself to anyone (I worked hard for myself, damnit).  I didn't want to be controlled or suffocated or guided.  This song was (and in some weird ways, still is) my creed.

I never wanted any of that... until I met him.  It's true, my previous interactions with men (boys) had been shallow.  It was easy for me to push them around because THAT, my friends, is my nature.  I'm innately cruel, bitchy, demanding, and I'll walk all over any man who lets me.  I didn't (and don't) take shit as a general rule (except perhaps from my own M, but that's different :P).  Yet, these fledgling relationships and interactions were always dissatisfying for me.  I never respected these people.  They were feeble and too easily molded to my desires.  Perhaps that does speak to the fact that - somewhere deep inside - I really did want someone to take control of me.

But imagining anyone but my Master having said control is honestly just sickening.  The only person who has EVER brought out these needs and desires in me... is him.  And frankly?  Yes, it is fucking difficult to do given that I'm apparently not one of those magical "natural" submissive people.  And yet, strangely, my Master still sees fit to call me his slave.  So, I guess that's an indication of how much the internet knows ne? (Here's looking at you, fetlife.  Please note, no one has ever said these things to ME personally, but they certainly float around often enough for it to be noticeable.  This simply isn't a personal vendetta, just a general rant.)

In any event, if anyone else would like to join me in my corner of what is apparently "non-natural submission", feel free.  I have ice cream and I will share.

It's strange how you can need something so desperately, yet it goes against every grain of your persona.  Hmm.  Go figure.  *tugs on my collar and skips away*

*~zelda...

Still Alive, I Swear

Hello again.  I'm not sure if anyone is still reading here since I've been gone so long.  In essence, I was very ill.  A lot of school happened.  I got sick again (because I'm like that, apparently).  And then, I went out of town for five weeks.

Don't ask. >_> Seriously, it was not exciting and it was out of obligation.  It was not a vacation.  It was not very enjoyable.  Five weeks without Master = sad me.  Five weeks without Master also means that there is not very much to blog about.  I didn't want to come here and write about how much I wanted to be close to him because frankly it would just me too depressing.  One thing he has taught me is that sometimes denial is easier than wallowing.  I'm not as good at is as he is... but I've learned a thing or two, I suppose.

There have been a few things going on for Master and I on the BDSM/sexy times-front. xD  I might (finally) be getting a 24/7 wear collar sometime soon, for one thing.  I'm both excited and nervous about the prospect, but maybe I'll give you more on that later.  He bought us a We-Vibe II.  I can go into more detail about that bit later as well.  We've only used it once and I'd like to try it a few more times before vomiting my opinion onto the internet.  Thanks to kaya, Master figured out what an Njoy plug is and keeps threatening me with one.  I hope his cheapness will outweigh his desire to cause me suffering. xD It seems to be the only salvation I have.

I asked for a layout change from Master for this blog... he shot the idea down, so we're staying with this for now.  :P  I do like this layout, I just like to move things around sometimes.  Too bad "my" blog isn't mine, I guess. lol

There are a few more things, but that'll do for now.  I can give more details later if desired.  But, for the moment, I do believe that I am back. ;)

*~zelda...

Update (and apologies)

I'm sorry for dropping of the face of the earth mid-meme.  I've just been hit with another round of illness, a heaping pile of work, and a bunch Master-helping (we're changing apartments, and that's got us frantic).

I'll return soon!  I wanted to let everyone know I haven't died or dropped off the face of the earth.

*~zelda...