Opening note: I'm doing fine and everything I'm babbling about here has been resolved, but I wanted to get the thoughts out. This post is probably more disjointed than usual.
I hate Freud. Let me just toss that out there. He's full of shit and... I just deleted a bunch of junk here. Now isn't the time or place. Suffice it to say that I do not buy into any of
Freud's Fraud's bullshit. That said, Master had a bit of a freudian slip last night. We were bantering a bit about gender, power dynamics, social schemas, etc. when this little bomb drops out of his mouth:
"Well, as you're in the lesser role- I MEAN SUBMISSIVE..."
Now, some of you are going to laugh at me and chuckle about how un-twue I am. That's fine. I never claimed to be twue or perfect or a role model. I've said repeatedly: submission is not in my nature.
But that little "slip" felt like a slap to the face. Strangely, he retracted it almost immediately, saying that it wasn't the right word, wasn't what he was trying to convey. But still... lesser.
It shouldn't bother me, right? I'm a slave, that's what some (most?) would say we are. However, it seems to rub Master's philosophies the wrong way for whatever reason. He claims that he doesn't, and wouldn't want to, think of me as being any less valuable or less of a human being than he is. He's even said he thinks of me as an equal... but how? It's lost on me too. It's true for me too though - regardless of what people say, I do not believe that Master is inherently "better" than I am just because he is an owner and I am property.
There are many things he is better at/with than I am. Computer science is his expertise, I will never match him there. He is a patient man, much more than I. He has great self-control, which I only have in certain contexts. He is (and likely always will be) stronger and faster than I am.
There are more, of course. Those are just the ones that strike my fancy at the moment. However.... he isn't inherently better than I am because of those things. Nor is he inherently better than I am because he owns me. I don't think his will is any stronger than mine. The reason our dynamic works is not that he has more mental strength than I do, but rather that I am more willing to bend. I see nothing wrong with this. Can he force me to do something I really don't want to do? Yes. Because eventually, I'll agree to do it. I don't see it as a weakness on my part. I just prefer pleasing him to getting my way. And really... what better manipulation tool could you ask for? It came built into me, too.
Frequently, I fail to understand this notion of "Master knows best". ... I'm sorry. No. They probably do not ALWAYS know best. They are people too, fellow slaves, subs, and bottoms. You don't take on a slave and suddenly develop the magical ability to never fail and never be wrong. They do fail sometimes (just like us). They are wrong sometimes (just like us).
One aspect of submission that really shows one's colors is being able (and willing) to experience their failures and wrongs with them. To trust them and go where they lead you, regardless of the fact that they may be incorrect. This is... a unique and difficult aspect of submission. Recognizing that one's Master is NOT perfect and that they may not be congenitally "better than you" just because of their status as owner - and following with blind faith anyway. It is easy to trust a god who will "always know best", "always have his slaves best interest at heart", and "never make a false step". There are people out there who do think this of their masters. The difficulty is in trusting another
human, even knowing that there will be times that they harm you or lead you astray.
(May I take a moment to note that it is very easy to always have someone's best interest at heart and STILL royally fuck up on the occasion? It happens, man.)
Anyway, I have never believed that my Master possessed any kind of magical power that domination gave him that I lacked. Perhaps that is because I am a very dominant individual outside of your relationship. The whole... "less than" thing is so confusing. He says he thinks of me as an equal, yet I don't have equal say. I find it difficult to wrap my head around because logically, "slave" and "equal" just... don't add up. Or maybe they do. ...But I'll trust him on it. Because that's what I'm here for and because I believe in him.
My difficulty in accepting and understanding "lesser" (even though it wasn't what he meant to say, he was very kind about indulging me and allowing me to converse about it) lead to another question from him. I noted my ongoing struggles with slavery and submission and he essentially asked me:
how is this hard?
Another slap to the face, I tell you! >.> You've been doing this for years, he says. Why is it still difficult? And then I was faced with the daunting task of explaining to this man, who had never bent to anyone else's whims but his own, why it was hard. A part of me got a bit nasty about it. Knowing that surely this man would utterly fail at submission and how dare he have to audacity to ask me "how it is even difficult". I really would like to see him try it. We'd see how "simple" it became then.
In a way, we were both right. But that's why I put up the bits from "Your Woman" last night. I often feel like I'm not good enough. It isn't that I am disobedient, because I am not. It isn't that he pushes me too hard, because he doesn't. It isn't that... it isn't anything. It's honestly just something that will probably remain difficult for me to swallow. I will keep trying. I'll never fucking give up. But just... true acceptance of the concept of slavery is...... It's hard. It just is.
Your life is not your own. Your choices aren't yours. I don't want to liken it to becoming "nothing"... but sometimes it seems that way when you wake up in the morning and realize that even if you are allowed a few freedoms here or there, it's all illusory and those little choices that you take for granted can disappear as quickly as a thought passes through His synapses. And people ask me why I have difficulty... I don't think anyone has an easy time all the time. If you say you do, I will say right here and now - I think you are a lying. Some times are easier than others. Other times, you... I can't explain it.
I'm sure this is all making me sound ridiculous and like a failure. I should be able to offer him more. Part of me does celebrate it, and the majority of the time, I'm very happy. But it is a truly, truly humbling thing to think about.
And I don't think that most people could deal with having their egos taken away like this as if it were as simple as breathing. Sometimes in the beginning it seems that way. It really does. And sometimes, later on, you look up at the pinprick of light above you and realize how far down into the pit you've fallen.
*~zelda...
