Tuesday, June 21, 2011

Running Scared

Something very odd happened to us two nights ago (the night before last).  I don't want to explain the situation entirely.  Doing so would be unfair to those involved (namely, Master and I).  I will try to summarize, but it will be nebulous.  This may make him look bad in the eyes of some - and I will remove or privatize the post should he ask me to.  But is his human and imperfect, which is a very large part of why I love him.  Besides, how strange would it be if I were solely responsible for all of our issues?  As they say - it takes two.

Without too many details: I was "punished".  I was "punished" without warning, out of anger, suddenly, and severely.  I was "punished" without having done anything wrong.

And for the first time in our years together, I really was afraid of him.  I felt betrayed, hurt, and terrified.  If a friend had told me that this happened to her, I would tell her to leave.  Just go.  But all my friends are vanilla.

And besides... it's his prerogative, is it not?  I gave him permission to do what he sees fit with me years ago.  M/s and O/p are rarely so simple as "just leave".  I would never take something like that from anyone...

But I'd take it from him.  The whole thing brought up so many feelings.  Master is not a brute and he is not abusive.  But to err is human, and I suppose that with the nature of our relationship, this sort of thing was bound to happen.  Mostly it's hard because I have no one to talk to about it.  My vanilla friends would see it as abuse if I ever breathed a word and I honestly don't know anyone in the kinky world (which is mostly restricted to the internet for me) that I feel near enough to to confide in.

I didn't know how to feel about being legitimately fearful of him.  I have always been so trusting of him and it was hurtful and frightening to have that taken away so suddenly.  (Am I being dramatic?  I feel like I might be.  I'm sorry, because that isn't my intention).  Some people claim to fear their masters, but I have difficulty putting "fear" and "trust" into the same equation.  He pushes me to face my fears and I have been afraid of various sadistic wants that he has.... but I've never been afraid of him.

I still trust him with everything.  Again, it's expected that he will eventually make errors like I do (although his are fewer and farther between).  Yet... it's hard to explain.

I suppose it was just a reminder that really, I am nothing.  I have no value other than what he places on me.  I have no power other than the power he chooses to grant me (which he can remove at any time).  It was a reminder of how open I really am to him after seeing how something that can happen so fast could totally flip my mental schemas on their heads.  A reminder of how easily he can wound me, physically and emotionally, without even intending to.  Despite knowing all this, having it shoved in my face so suddenly was... painful and scary.

Perhaps a better slave would have welcomed this.  Perhaps a better slave wouldn't have been surprised or upset... But if I am honest with myself, being reminded of my place in such a manner was simply... unpleasant.  Not arousing or comforting as it normally might be.  There was something about the situation and the fear that just made the flood of realizations in the aftershock make me feel disgusted with myself.  Like I was nothing more than some smear of dirt on the sole of a show... pitiable, perhaps.  But utterly insignificant.

This isn't very "true"-slave of me, is it?  No reveling in the wonder of my position.  I guess I don't have a slave heart (is anyone surprised, really?).

I just feel weak.  That's what it really made me feel like...




  1. zelda..it takes courage to acknowledge feeling scared. It's truly tough in those times to sort it out, how to trust Him, trust ourself, ... and questioning if their even is an ourself. You are in tune with how you feel, and I think that's important.


  2. If it's done without a single reason or cause being given, then I strongly doubt this is punishment. It may have been designed to change your mental/emotional set some, but since it isn't a deterrent to future bad behavior, it sounds a little more like recreational sadism or some sort of higher level of training, don't you think?

    I would personally be horrified if I were punished for something specific, told I was being punished for something specific, but never told what that specific thing was, and could not think of what I had done wrong on my own. I'd start to feel as though everything I did was wrong and might invite the punishment again. I'd doubt myself so much that it would be hard to do anything.

    I see it as very good that this act was not tied to anything specific you did. It means you're doing good, you're being a good slave. :) If it were me, I would probably take a little pride in the fact that my master had stepped up the intensity of the relationship a little bit. It would signify to me that he trusted me to be able to handle this level of abuse from him. That's pretty cool, IMO.

    It's just pain, and it passes. Before you know it, it's over and you recover. Since there is nothing specific you are doing to invite this, there really is nothing to be afraid of or to worry about. It wasn't anything you said or did. Sure, it might happen again out of the blue. But it also might not. If you've been together six years, I'm sure he knows you and has noticed your fear reaction.

    Some fear is good (even, dare I say, healthy) to feel toward one's master because it reminds you, as you realized in your post, of how much control he has over you. This is a very realistic frame of mind for a slave to have. Sometimes slaves with devoted owners can wander a bit away from that reality, and start to feel they are immune to being punished. They start to get complacent. I am not saying that is you. But I've seen it in plenty of other slaves who are pampered. So I feel that when your master reminds you that you have something to fear from him, it's a great gift because it makes you feel more the way you want to feel: more his slave, more owned, and far less likely at any time to take him for granted or feel you can get away with things. Again, I'm not saying you've done anything of the sort, in fact, a wise master might take this action as a proactive measure, even toward a very obedient slave--to assist her with staying obedient.

    I see this as a very good thing and I see your fear reaction as a perfectly natural and sensible response to it. But, as you also seemed to have realized, there's nowhere else you need to take this feeling. I mean, there's nothing to do in response to it. It's just an added ingredient to your emotional set. The fear will fade with time to the point where it is no longer distressing, but probably never completely disappear.

    Which, when you are really enslaved and deeply controlled, is a very good thing. :)

    PS: Sorry to barge in on your blog this way. I came across it in the Owners/Property group (that post they have that lists the blogs) and when I saw this article I felt compassion for you, as I have felt similar fear. The temptation is to let it inhibit you to the point where it hurts communication. I realize I'm a month too late, but here's my advice anyway: try not to go there. The lesson to be learned here is not to watch yourself, I think, but rather to feel your helplessness more deeply.

    I'm very shy, so I won't be putting down a web identity. I'm just another slave on fetlife.