Friday, June 24, 2011

Five Dollar Sushi

I write you from work.  I am on my lunch break, sitting next to a half finished California roll that I really wish I hadn't spent $5.50 on.  I've found my appetite suddenly absent, and I'm not sure for what reason.  Still, I have 4 pieces of sushi that I don't want that will expire on Sunday.  Now what? *le sigh*

The aftermath of Sunday's events has been interesting.  It's strange how an event that lead me to self-loathing and floundering can later transform into a bonding experience.  I feel safer with Master than ever before, for some reason.  And the contradiction is striking (to me at least).  Part of me is worried that he'll be holding back for a long time because of what happened... I don't want that.  In the dance of consensual non-consent, there is a lot of grey area.  I'm comfortable with grey.  I trust with him grey.  I'm just wondering how long it may be before he trusts himself with grey again.  Another day?  A week?  More?  I guess we'll see.  I won't be pushing.  The decision is his, after all.  It always is.

We've been reading together lately, which I've enjoyed.  It makes me feel comfortable, in a way.  I'm sure why, but it's a relaxing activity to have together.  I read aloud to him, and he'll lay in bed next to me and stroke my hair (perhaps brush it if I'm lucky).  Master has always taken excellent care of this piece of property, and for that I am thankful.

The bruising around my neck is clearing.  As usual (for me), it wasn't visible but the ache under the skin was very tangible.  That is subsiding, along with my concerns.  Maybe I am vulnerable, but why should that necessarily be a bad thing?  I like to be vulnerable to him.. and I'm looking forward to sharing that with him for a long time.  Slave mentality is a funny thing, and occasionally, I get disturbed when I find myself thinking or behaving in way that is... well, the way a slave thinks.  It can be damned terrifying when it creeps up on you.

Somedays I think I have too much autonomy and freedom.  And then there are other days.  Days when that illusion crashes down all around me in rubble.  Because that's what my "autonomy" is - illusion.  I might even go so far as to say that it's delusion.

It can be frightening when suddenly you realize that you already have exactly what you thought you wanted.


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