空虚

To be totally honest, I'm not sure why I picked the title I did.  It's pronounced "kuukyo", meaning emptiness or void.  It's one of a few ways of saying emptiness in Japanese.  My favorite way of writing it  is an adjective (kuukyo is a noun) meaning empty, void, ineffective, lifeless, or even vain.  In particular, this unnamed form has been very meaningful to me throughout my life.  I won't list it here for a strange reason - it has the potential to identify me.  That's how important this word is to my life.

I don't feel particularly empty.  My life is very full.  But sometimes I feel ineffective and void.  Lately this has to do with Master and M/s.  We're just in a weird place with it right now.  I feel like I'm not doing anything for him.  He doesn't have tasks for me to do (other than a bit of clean up, which ought to be done anyway so I'm not terribly concerned by it).  Please don't mistake this for whining or blaming.  I am, for the most part, okay with him not wanting me to do something for him every five seconds.  In fact, I sort of giggled about it while watching Beauty & the Beast (which is a great movie, I don't care HOW old you are) with Master and a few friends.  Lumiere at one point notes that "life is so unnerving for a servant who is not serving".

Comical, but true!  Despite the lack of overt servitude or overt S&M play, the power exchange still hangs over my head.  He's still... boss.  I push against that sometimes and I stick my toe over the line to see if he's still paying attention.  He is.  I know he is.  I am learning that sometimes, my place is just at his feet or next to him in bed... wherever he wants me.  It is a service to him to just... be.  And accept that.  It's tempting sometimes to bug him or whine "Master, you haven't given me anything to do", "Master, I don't have any tasks", etc.  Doing things for him is part of my purpose, part of my joy.  I will always want those things.

But right now, he just needs me to be with him and help him relax.  And so, in a mysterious TPE-sort of way: I'm doing exactly what he wants - and that's just being.  I think this falls into learning to be his ideal and his fantasy - not my own.

I had planned a post explaining why I my name is "zelda"... but perhaps another day.

*~zelda...