空虚

To be totally honest, I'm not sure why I picked the title I did.  It's pronounced "kuukyo", meaning emptiness or void.  It's one of a few ways of saying emptiness in Japanese.  My favorite way of writing it  is an adjective (kuukyo is a noun) meaning empty, void, ineffective, lifeless, or even vain.  In particular, this unnamed form has been very meaningful to me throughout my life.  I won't list it here for a strange reason - it has the potential to identify me.  That's how important this word is to my life.

I don't feel particularly empty.  My life is very full.  But sometimes I feel ineffective and void.  Lately this has to do with Master and M/s.  We're just in a weird place with it right now.  I feel like I'm not doing anything for him.  He doesn't have tasks for me to do (other than a bit of clean up, which ought to be done anyway so I'm not terribly concerned by it).  Please don't mistake this for whining or blaming.  I am, for the most part, okay with him not wanting me to do something for him every five seconds.  In fact, I sort of giggled about it while watching Beauty & the Beast (which is a great movie, I don't care HOW old you are) with Master and a few friends.  Lumiere at one point notes that "life is so unnerving for a servant who is not serving".

Comical, but true!  Despite the lack of overt servitude or overt S&M play, the power exchange still hangs over my head.  He's still... boss.  I push against that sometimes and I stick my toe over the line to see if he's still paying attention.  He is.  I know he is.  I am learning that sometimes, my place is just at his feet or next to him in bed... wherever he wants me.  It is a service to him to just... be.  And accept that.  It's tempting sometimes to bug him or whine "Master, you haven't given me anything to do", "Master, I don't have any tasks", etc.  Doing things for him is part of my purpose, part of my joy.  I will always want those things.

But right now, he just needs me to be with him and help him relax.  And so, in a mysterious TPE-sort of way: I'm doing exactly what he wants - and that's just being.  I think this falls into learning to be his ideal and his fantasy - not my own.

I had planned a post explaining why I my name is "zelda"... but perhaps another day.

*~zelda...

Happy Easter

Hello friends.  Happy Easter.  I hope you all are able to enjoy the day. :)

*~zelda...

Manipura

Manipura

We arrive at the third chakra - Manipura.  The name of this chakra means "city of jewels".  It is located at the solar plexus and is represented with a 10 petaled lotus with a downward-oriented triangle in the center.  Manipura's seed sound is "Ram".  When I hear people talking about the "fire in one's belly", I think of this chakra.  The element here is indeed fire.  This is the center of energy, willpower, achievement, and confidence.  Additionally, it is known as a sort of psychic/intuitive center (again, remember the expression about "going with your gut"?) from which people will experience a vague sense of "knowing" something for seemingly no reason.  This energy is the source of that.

This chakra is a very interesting one for power exchange.  Not just for s-types, but for our D-types as well.  A weak, closed, or blocked chakra can lead to exhaustion, fear, silence, reservation, instability, and a lack of self-value/confidence.  Alternatively, an overactive third chakra can create the opposite problems - arrogance, over-shadowing others, a need to always be in charge, authoritarian behavior.... you get the idea.  A balanced chakra leads to a healthy sense of self-worth, the ability to succeed, the will to carry out our plans and reach our dreams, and a sense that we are able to wield our own personal power.

I think it is obvious why this chakra is important for both partners in almost any kind of power exchange relationship.  Even if the power exchange isn't overt, I think even in vanilla relationships where one partner "wears the pants" (regardless of their gender or sex), the notion of keeping this energy center in balance is vital for both partners.

For me personally, this chakra is a tough one to pin down.  I have a hard time balancing Manipura.  I seem to always oscillate from one end of the extreme to the next.  It makes being submissive difficult.  Sometimes the fire heats up so much I can't keep it in.  I'm arrogant beyond belief and so willful (read: stubborn) that I become irrational.  I get into a headspace where I feel that I simply cannot be put in my place because I am fucking invincible.  I get myself into a lot of trouble with Master during these periods.  They come fewer and farther between as the years go by, but they still come.  In some contexts, they're quite useful.  At work, at school, when some asshole is treating my friends like shit... that furnace heats up like you wouldn't believe and I go for it.  I am a strong person.  I had to be in order to survive my early years, but I am thankful for them because they allowed me to tap into this awesome personal power.

But then it's too much, sometimes.  And when I do realize that I've been burning up like a mad-man and that Master is truly displeased with me, it all folds in on itself.  The fire dies.  The arrogance leaves.  But I'm left with nothing (or at least that's how it feels).  No will of my own, no ability to do anything for myself, and then I feel worthless and feeble because I am so deeply dependent on him.  I lose the self-value and I dig myself deep into a hole.  Until I realize that I've been "made weak" and rebel again.  And then the coal pours into the furnace again and....

You see what I mean?  It's not always so chaotic.  I'm not always in a state of either total rebellion or a lack of personhood and agency.  Over the years, I have learned to better manage the fire within.  I keep it burning to keep myself going and I only use it to destroy when it's necessary (and trust that sometimes, it is very necessary - mostly outside of my relationship with Master).  But still, it can be hard to walk that fine line as a slave.  It is easy to lose your personhood.  Some people want that, I do not think ill of that if it's their desire.  Master has forbidden me from it.  I have been tasked with remaining all that is me and remaining beneath him.  It has been good for someone like me to turn to willingly be beneath him.  If I may quote:

‎"Pride is not the opposite of shame, but its source. True humility is the only antidote to shame."


(Bonus points if you know what I quoted.  It is one of my favorites.)

Not that I am necessarily shameful, but humility has been good for me.  I need to do better with it, of course.  But even the progress I have made so far has been so, so healthy.  I am very rarely burnt up in my own fire these days, as I once was before.  For a long time, I feared that the fire inside would go out completely.  Sometimes, as I mentioned before, I put it out voluntarily because I can't see any other way to keep it under control.  But the real fear lies in wondering if - what if - one day I wake up, and I simply can't start the fire anymore?  What happens if he crushes it out of me?  What happens if I let him put it out?  I feared (and sometimes I still do fear) the loss of myself.  I fear that he would abandon me if this happened, no longer interested in the malleable, thoughtless creature he helped create.  But that's where the trust comes in - I have to believe that he is just as interested in keeping my fire alive as I am.

And I do believe that.  Even if sometimes it's hard to convince the "survival" oriented side of myself to see that.  Like many, I grew up constantly bombarded with attempts to put out my inner fire.  That's probably why it gets so huge now.  You can pour a bucket on a camp fire, but once it spreads, you're just shit out of luck.  Arrogance and even cruelty were my self-defense against that.  Now I must trust that turning down the heat doesn't mean the fire has to go out or that I will be any less myself.

I have already progressed in this manner, so it's hard for me to rationalize why this fear is still there on some level.  But I'm working on it.

How this plays out for my Master, or anyone else's Master, I don't know.  I can conjecture, but I have no way of knowing how they might stop themselves from burning up not only themselves, but those around them too.  If any Doms would like to comment on this or write on it themselves, please do.  I'd be interested to hear about it.  Thus, I will leave the Dominant point of view to the dominants.

I cannot serve without the will and strength to do so.

RAM.

*~zelda...

In Review: Wonder & Vibrations

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A Question?

This is for any lady-friends who might be out there reading.  I need an exercise-friendly bathing suit.  Preferably one that can handle really large breasts.  Any advice on where to find something decent?  I haven't had hardly any luck in the usual department stores...

Any help at all is appreciated.  I suppose men-folk might have input as well. :3

Real posts will be coming soon,

*~zelda...

Friday....?

Okay I'm sure at least SOME of you have been exposed to Rebecca Black's "Friday" song that went viral sometimes last month.  If you don't know what I am talking about, a 13-year-old child's parents spent a pile of money for someone to write their daughter a song, have her record it, and shoot a low-budget music video.  It is terrible.  The internet found it.  The rest is history.  The original can be found here.

I must say, she's gotten a lot of awful backlash and I think she's been a good sport about it.  The girl can laugh at herself and that's a good skill to have at any age, especially when you're 13.  However, I found a parody that just.... MMmmhmhmhmmm *muffled maniacal laughter* literally made me laugh out loud this morning.  I thought I'd share it with anyone else who happens to have been exposed to the "Friday" phenomenon.  This will likely not be funny if this is your first exposure to Friday, but it's a risk I am willing to take.

Warning: lower your speakers.

Death Metal Friday

*~zelda...

P.S. - I am not liable from any brain damage that may occur.  My silliness knows no bounds when I let it run free. xD

Svadhisthana

Svadhisthana

The Sacral Chakra is number two on our trip up the chakra ladder.  "Svadhisthana" is a Sanskrit for "one's own place of residence" or "one's own abode".  Svadhisthana is located just above Muladhara, essentially at the pubic bone.  It is depicted as a lotus with six orange petals and a smiling crescent moon in the center.  Each petal has significance, but I will not go into details about those meanings here.  I may change my mind and later edit this post, but for now I will just focus on the general traits of Svadhisthana.  The seed sound or mantra for this chakra is Vam.  Svadhisthana is associated with the unconscious, emotions, and (particularly) desire.  The element associated with this chakra is water, which represents the flow of energy as well as sensuality.

This chakra can be blocked by guilt.  A closed or underactive Svadhisthana chakra is associated with a lack of emotion or stoicism, an inability to experience pleasure, feelings of guilt, mental cloudiness, or even sexual dysfunction.  Alternatively, an overactive second chakra may lead to being over emotional with little sense of control over one's feelings.

A healthy, balanced Svadhisthana chakra is typically indicated by emotional well-being, flowing of creative energy, a bit of confidence, the ability to not be trapped by guilt, not viewing oneself as a victim, and (pleasantly enough) a fulfilling sex life.  Or perhaps if you don't have an active sex life, you would ideally be comfortable with your sexuality and sexual self.

I am happy that I can say that my second chakra is quite happy these days.  It wasn't always, though.  As I noted in my Muladhara post when I discussed the detachment I felt from my body, I was once effectively asexual.  I wasn't able to get any real enjoyment out of masturbation and the idea of a sexual partner didn't particularly interest me.  Of course, when I met Master, things changed.  I think the blockages surrounding my sexuality originated from the issues I had (have) with my body in general.  In my relationship with Master, our intellectual and spiritual relationship developed well before a physical relationship began to bud.  We were friends for many months before we started dating.  Because those emotional gateways were already open between us, I was able to trust him enough to open up physically.  This greatly helped in my sexual development as a woman and as a person in general.

But the real issues I had with Svadhisthana were deeper than sex.  It relates more to my most recent post.  Before I met Master, I was beyond apathetic.  I didn't let myself have feelings.  I was very young.  I thought that cloistering myself from pain would make me stronger.  If I didn't let anything (or anyone in), nothing could hurt me.  How utterly ignorant.  I don't know how I didn't notice that by closing myself off from pain, I was starving my soul and spirit.  Literal starvation.  I became a small, petty, critical person.  I wasn't that way before.  I had been warm and compassionate, but something - at some point - became too much for me to tolerate.  And I felt like simply... going away would help with that.  I couldn't leave the situation I was in, so I just withdrew inward (as I so often do, even now.  (See Muladhara) and left myself a wandering shell.

Truly, I was broken when he found me.  I was lost in my own inability to feel.  He saw me for what I was - hiding.  Naturally, the man was a hypocrite.  As they say, "it takes one to know one" and he really only recognized me because he was in the same state.  I remember in one of our earliest conversations, he warned me that soon - if I didn't stop what I was doing - I would be unable to feel even if I wanted to.  The damage would be unfixable.  That I would be "like him".  I didn't really think that was such a bad thing, at the time.  I admired him very much (and I still do).  He was (is) independent and strong, solid, unmoving, intellectual, and a force to be reckoned with.

Despite the fact that we were both like two giant blocks of ice in a freezer at the beginning, it didn't last long.  For all our bluster and talk, it wasn't too hard to break the mould and start feeding the emaciated souls inside of ourselves.  I think we are both still coming to terms with our emotions.  I do feel that I have learned to be expressive without screaming in rage, while filtering only enough of myself to remove (most) irrationalities.  It used to be one or the other - screaming fits of wrath or a stone cold wall with nothing inside.  I had no balance at all.  I was once so, so angry.  I still have anger issues, but nothing at all like what once was inside me.  I can let enough out without being resentful while still (generally) staying rational.

I am not perfect, of course.  We all have our moments.  But my emotions work much more rhythmically than they once did, more akin to the sea.  Before it was like a river running wild, alternating between out of control rapids waterfalls with the occasional dam, stopping the flow entirely.  Now, like the sea, there are still high and low tides.  There are still storms.  But in general, things are stable and patterned (even if there is the occasional tsunami).  I could go further and ramble about how tsunamis are typically brought about by the earth and not the ocean itself, but I think I've made myself clear and I'll drop it for now.

In essence, I am thankful for how far I have come in this area.  I may not have touched on submission explicitly in this post, but it was through my relationship with Master (and therefore through my submission to him) that I have learned what I have learned.  Of course, he will say that it was ultimately my choice to grow and development.  But I don't know if it ever would have happened without him.  I must not choose to submit to my emotions or to the fear of emotions.  I can only submit to One.  But I could not do so without being open both emotionally and sexually.

I cannot serve without balancing these dualities.

VAM.

*~zelda...

If any pictures in this post belong to you and you would like them removed or credited, please email me and I will be happy to comply.

A Realization...

I've just realized something that feels strange earth-shattering to me.  I have tears in my eyes as I write this.

He has never broken me because when he found me, I already was broken.

Sometimes I don't give him enough credit for being so wise.  He saw the cracks that I couldn't even feel...

*~zelda...

Muladhara

Muladhara

I am going to be working on a series of posts, one based on each of the seven chakras.  I may post "off topic" things between each one, but this is the beginning of that series.  I suppose I ought to start off with a little background about chakras in general, then I'll move onto Muladhara (or the Root Chakra).  There are different systems with varying numbers of chakras, but I will focus on the seven most commonly known here in the West.

To begin, chakras come from Hindu Tantrism.  The word "chakra" is derived from the Sanskrit word for "wheel" or "turning".  Each chakra can be thought of as a spinning vortex of energy.  Each one exists on the surface of the etheric "inner you" and permeates the physical body in a particular area.  Here is an image demonstrating the area of the body that each chakra is thought to correspond to:

Feel free to look further into chakras on your own.  Even if you don't buy into their existence, I've found the concept quite fascinating on its own.  Anyway, onward with chakra one: the root chakra or Muladhara.

Muladhara is a Sanskrit word meaning "root place".  It is depicted as a four-petaled, red lotus and is located at the perineum, near the very end of the spine.  It's seed sound is "lam" (some of you may be familiar with the seed sound of the sixth chakra, "om").  It is associated with the element earth and the physical aspects of being.  The basal instinct of "survival" rests here.

A closed or underactive root chakra may lead one to a disconnection from one's body or the physical word in general, fearfulness/anxiousness, insecurity, and inability to be still, among a number of other things.  Alternatively, an over-active root chakra can lead to a different set of issues such as lethargy, material fixation, hoarding, and resistance to change.  It is possible to have some characteristics of both.

A balanced root chakra is associated with physical healthy, prosperity & career happiness, stability, goundedness, and a sense of safety.

And so, my post today centers on the possible issues I may have in this area.  I'll begin with the positive aspects.  In general, I am a grounded person.  I quite stable.  I have never been overly emotional (although I can be quite passionate) and I feel I have a good grasp on my situation in general.  My career path, although freshly budding, is presently making me happy.  My financial situation is not perfect, but I have a roof over my head and food in my fridge.  That's enough to keep me feeling safe and to allow me to live peacefully.  I am grateful for those things.  I am grateful for my Master, who has helped keep me grounded and stable during times when I faltered.

My main struggles associated with the Muladhara chakra come from within.  My body and I don't get along well.  Ever since I was a child, I never placed much value on the physical realm.  The whole thing is transitory.  You can't take it with you.  Why should I bother with it?  The intellectual and spiritual worlds were so much more stimulating and pleasing to me.  I placed (and still to place) my focus there.  This has lead to an extreme disconnect with my body.  Before I met Master, I was effectively asexual.  I didn't have an interest in sex.  Like most human beings, I longed for someone to share with and I wanted someone to just "be" with.  But sex was never on my list of things that interested me.

I was living somewhere else.  The world outside of myself is lovely.  I find being inside of myself repulsive.  I have severe body image problems (I think most people have issues with this, to some degree).  I feel like my body is nothing but a handicap or a hinderance at times.  Often times, when Master and I are eating at a restaurant together or just lying in bed, he'll stop and ask me "Where did you go?".  I go outside of myself.  I like it better there.  I'm not even entirely sure what I think about when I'm out there, sometimes I'm not even sure where I went either and I can't answer him... but I go away a lot.  I leave the physical world and go either deep inside the inner world, or far outside of my body to some other region of time and space.  I know that Alnitak is nice at this time of year.

Through my relationship with Master, this disconnect has improved.  Somewhat.  I still refuse to dance (I am capable of prescribed ballroom style dancing, but nothing else).  I lack grace almost entirely, except for when I practice Tai Qi.  I still despise my body.  But I'm willing to inhabit it for now.  For him.

The reality is that my body is not of no value.  And I know that even though I don't usually recognize it, I am beautiful.  The physical world may be transitory, but it's here.  I need this body to perform the things I do.  I could not work without it.  I could not serve without it.  I could not be present without it.  If I continue to neglect my flesh, I will likely suffer the consequences of health problems and (potentially) an early death.  I do not want to have to put Master through such things, if I can help it.  I will be working harder to care for my body, both as a temple to the divine within and as an offering to Master.

I could not serve without this body.

LAM.

*~zelda...


If any pictures in this post belong to you and you would like them removed or credited, please email me and I will be happy to comply.