Untrained

I am completely untrained... as far as I know, anyway.  I am not sure how common it is for subs and slaves to go through periods of training or trials... but I never did.  I'm still wild and unruly... untamed.  I don't know how I feel about it.

I know, I know - I'm not "twue".  A "twue slave" doesn't need training, she just magically know how to obey and please using the special fire in her "slave belly".  She has no other thoughts other than pleasing him.  She lives to serve, even before she comes into contact with him.

I was never that way.  Do not misunderstand, I want VERY MUCH for Master to be happy.  I work hard to please him.  But I was not born wanting to service someone else.  I... actually, I don't know how I was born.  My childhood warped me and I will never know how much of my personality is nascent and how much of it is a product of my environment.  I know that we are all products of our environment, but some of us are molded more than others I think.  In any event, I've never been through any kind of structured training procedure.

I feel like a wild animal sometimes.  Like I'm completely incapable of being handled.  Granted, there are many times when I think I'm this:

And he sees this:

This happens more often than I want to think about, lol.  It is probably why he hasn't seen my occasional rebellions as anything particularly threatening or even worth being concerned after all.  It is cute to watch a kitten try to be intimidating and fail, after all... I suppose I'm no different when I get that way.  But there are rare times when that tigress actually is in the room.  And she is mean and unpleasant and probably kind of hungry (and potentially hormonal... but I digress).  Then he and I have these epic, celestial battles that look like this:

Those usually end with me collapsing into a ball of some kind, crying for a bit, and wishing I could melt into the floor because I'm embarrassed about how I acted.  I turn back into that kitten, mushed and looking for something warm to cling to and comfort itself.  I'd like to be somewhere in between those two places. :P  And that's where I am... most of the time, at least.

(I couldn't find a picture of a dragon and a tiger in a relaxed state together {IRONY}. So Master, you can be the larger tiger. :P Sorry I couldn't find a dragon for you again.)

We can both be ourselves, in a relaxed, calm state.  I get to guided, watched over, occasionally mounted... lol  But still, it's tough to live with a wild animal - even if you're pretty damn wild yourself.  I'd love to be more refined... beautiful, focused, a prized servant.  Don't get me wrong - I can be left alone and function.  I can manage a house, I know how to pay bills and handle money, I can do quite a few things on my own.  He could show me off as capable, intelligent, affectionate... but there is always that wild side.

Perhaps I think that training would get that out of me, but I don't think it would.  You can put a tiger in a cage, sure.  You can even breed them in captivity... but they are still going to be a wild animal.  Sometimes, even when they're being affectionate or trying to help, they can do great damage by not understanding their own strength.  I don't think training would do shit for me.. for us, really.  That's probably why he hasn't done it.  I think he knows.  I like the idea.  It sounds very erotic, in it's own way... and yet, I don't think it's possible.  I don't think the lessons would stick.  Maybe he wouldn't want them to.  Maybe I wouldn't want them to.

Sure, it can be frightening to live with something that has so much raw power.  Imagine a tiger in your fucking living room.  That would be a sight.  Even with it just laying there, you'd think "shit, how do I get back out of this room without dying?".  But strangely enough, they can be affectionate animals.  They'll protect you, and even hug you (although you may end up getting a bit crushed by them in the process).  It would take a powerful man to know how to handle a tiger without taking away that which makes it different from a house cat - its strength, its intellect, its rage, its ambitions, its force... its wildness.

Perhaps that's just what Master has achieved...

Besides, wild animals can be damned beautiful.

*~zelda...

"Sub Space"

Sometimes, I don't even believe that it exists.

That's at least one of my BDSM-related secrets. :P  To me, it seems like some giant thing that everyone is always talking about... get caned? Go into subspace.  Flogged? Subspace!  Paddled?  Whipped?  That'll earn you an all-expenses-paid trip to SUBSPAAAAAAACE! :D

I know, I know - I'm being tongue in cheek.  It doesn't bother me to see or hear people talk about it and it the topic isn't nearly as prolific as I'm making it out to be.  Yet, sometimes I feel like I'm missing out on something.  It's as if it's some lovely, magical thing that I simply can't grasp.  It sure sounds pleasant from what I've heard of it, but... honestly, sometimes I find myself doubting whether the phenomenon actually occurs or if it's just something people natter about on the occasion.

I seriously doubt that it's some giant, collective lie that everyone is all wrapped up in.  That would be paranoid of me, wouldn't it? :P Still, I would like to know what everyone is talking about... And I have taken my fair share of beatings and had my fair share of marks.  Sure, there are people far more extreme than Master and I... yet, I know of people who are less "extreme" that slip into sub space all the time.  I'm envious!  I want to know!

Maybe it's a conscious thing.  Maybe I'm just not "letting go" enough.  I have a hard time letting go, though.  When I go quiet, Master turns up the heat.  Turning up the heat knocks me out of any kind of "floaty" space and I go back into the fire... etc.  You can see how this goes on.  It's interesting, and I certainly am not complaining about the treatment I get (hehe).  But I really would love to let myself go into subspace...

Sorry this post is so poorly constructed, I was writing this and doing about 50 things at once.  But I wanted to get it out while the issue was still in my head.

Is it something that I'm blocking?  Or is it possible that it just doesn't happen for some of us...?  Opinion time!  Tell me what you thinks. (yes.  what you thinkS. :P)

*~zelda...

What do you get...?

What do you get the man to whom you've already given everything?

I'm struggling with this question.  You see, our 7 year anniversary is less than a month away.  He'll have work "day of", but the day before is free for both of us as of now...  I'm pondering what to get him, what to do for that day.. he may have ideas of his own, but I'd like to offer up something in case he doesn't.  Our budget is quite limited, which makes things a little harder - but you really don't need money to give a good gift or to have a good day.

Any suggestions? xD  Not that I'll steal your ideas out-right (he'd know if I did, wouldn't he?), but I'll take a bit of inspiration if you've got it. Hehe...

*~zelda...

Moar Safeword Chatter

So, I read this post by lil earlier this morning (which lol-ariously, was inspired by this post at Finding my Submission... I'm sensing an INSPIRATION CHAIN) which started me thinking on the old safeword subject.  Because you know... we haven't already beaten this little piece of theory to death or anything.

I had a safeword, way back in the beginning.  Before we had taken the plunge into any kind of power dynamic.  There wasn't any M/s, maybe the buddings of D/s.. but mostly just a man who wanted to smack his woman and a woman who thought that sounded like a dandy idea. :P  So there was that safeword.  In the initial stages, I wasn't actually pushed to the point of even thinking about the safeword.  By the time it was something that might be.. relevant? the option had already disappeared.  We've never formally spoken about its disappearance... but I know the option is long gone at this point.

And honestly, I don't know what I think about that.  I don't criticize those who use them and I don't criticize those who don't.  I've long since stopped being concerned about the way other people go about practicing their kinks.  It is what it is.  But I can be concerned about the way I practice (or rather, the way I am made to practice) ... right?  I just wonder about it sometimes, I suppose.

Master is pretty good at reading me when he's hurting me.. which is sort of weird, because in general, he's pretty terrible at reading my mind (I love you! <.< It's okay that you aren't psychic).  Maybe he's just better at reading my body, because I seem to be pretty good at giving physical cues.  But sometimes, I think the need for him to be alert and reading me prevents him from fully enjoying himself.  On some level, he still seems to be concerned about totally letting go and just relishing in my position as an object.  Maybe it's because he isn't as sadistic as he thinks he is.  Maybe it's because he's afraid he won't be able to turn it off again.  Maybe it's because he loves me.  Probably all of those things, and more.

So sometimes, I feel like our lack of a safeword can be a detriment to him because he seems to be that much more focused on keeping me safe.  But on the other hand, I think if he did let himself go fully... the safeword wouldn't matter anyway.  It would be met with "lawl, that's cute. no." and onward we'd be marching...

Now, some might argue that a top/master/dom/whatever isn't supposed to fully let go.  That it is their job to keep themselves controlled and in check.  Yet, part of me wants him to feel like he can do that do me. As sick as it is, I want him to know how badly he could hurt me... what he could do to me... and that I would still love him all the same.  But to be honest, there is a part of me that fears him uncontrolled.

I've had tastes of it before.

And to be honest...? It does scare me.  I maybe shouldn't say that where he'll read it (Hi zelda, TOO LATE!).  It's something I want to experience, yet, like him, I'm afraid it won't be able to turn off again.  I didn't used to worry about it, but I worry about it because HE worries about it.  I trust him, but it sometimes seems like he doesn't trust himself.. that can be confusing for a slave.

Maybe this post is less about safewords than I thought.  But it still got me wondering if we'll ever take that plunge into the wild blue...

*~zelda...

"I am a Clinical Sexologist"

How awesome would THAT be to say?  I wish. xD  But, I do know of one woman who can actually say that.  Her name is Dr. Charley Ferrer and she is participating in an interview event with Eden Fantasys.  She has written numerous books (including The Latina Kama Sutra, El Kama Sutra Latino, Para La Mujer Sensual {that's "For the Sensual Woman" for you non-spanish speakers! Who says high school language courses don't come in handy?}, The Passionate Latina: In Our Own Words, and The W.I.S.E. Journal for the Sensual Woman).

I encourage you to read a bit about her at the link I've provided.  This woman's CV/resume is pretty darn awesome, if I do say so myself.  You can check out the questions and answers received so far here (scroll to the bottom).  I've really enjoyed reading the ones that have been answered so far.  I have found her answers to be insightful and informative.  I love discussion and this woman certainly has a good head on her shoulders!  She did previously work as a college professor.  You can ask a question for yourself too!  Those who ask Dr. Ferrer's top three favorite questions will received BDSM toy prizes from Eden Fantasys.  Asking is all you have to do to enter!

The interview only runs until September 19th (that's today, tomorrow, and Monday!), so get your questions in if you have any.  I haven't asked any questions yet myself, but I am planning on it.  Check it out if you have time!  It really is a neat event.

*~zelda...

100th Post

I've been posting for just under 2 years now (1 year, 11 months).  This post marks my 100th.  I think most people usually reach this milestone much sooner than I did, but I'm okay with that.  My own pace works just fine for me, after all. :)

I wanted to thank those who left me such supportive comments after my last post.  I needed it.  I really, really appreciate you all reaching out. <3 So thank you for that.

And thank you, too, to those of you who have decided to read me.  Walk with me.  Run with me.  Frequently Occasionally fall down with me...  In particular, I wanted to thank our resident Naughty Monkey, who I believe was the first person to ever comment on any of my posts.  And she is still here too! xD That takes a strong stomach man, so thank you.  Also, kaya because she has been a large inspiration for my blogging.  And to all of you.  I have several regular drop-ins (K, lil, mouse, Giggling Bunny, etc. {I do hope I'm not forgetting anyone}) who I deeply appreciate.  But I am sure there are many more of you whose names I do not know, even if you do read here.  And I am grateful to you too.

Of course, there is Master to thank.  He's my gravity, like my own personal sun keeping me in orbit.  I love you.  And thank you for coming with me on this journey... thank you for creating this journey for me, for us. ...I think I am making it sound like it's ending. xD Naturally, it's not.  But I wanted to say thank you for what's happened so far.  This blog is just under 2 years old.  And "we" are just under 7 now.  I wonder what we'll be like in 7 more years.  I can't wait to know... but of course, I'm in no rush to get there. ;)

I can only wonder what the next 100 posts will hold for us.

Thank you for walking with me.

*~zelda...

Spinning

I've been neglecting you again, dear blog.  Part of the reason is just that I've been busy and tired.  The other reason is that I've been getting beaten to a pulp.  Unfortunately, I'm talking about the sexy kind of beating either... mine is emotional and mental.  And as I'm sitting here thinking about this and starting to write, I'm beginning to feel exactly how tired and exhausted I really am...

There have been quite a few upsets in my neck of the woods lately.  The very least of which was an.. acquaintance (I know him better than I would I say I know "most acquaintances", I know him better than I want to, but I do not consider this person to be a friend) having a sort of mental breakdown over the weekend.  *chuckles* Don't worry though, the entire thing was nothing more than an elaborate ruse to get as many people paying attention to him as possible.  I'm just glad I saw it for what it was in the beginning before I got as involved in it as my other friends did.  I suppose an education in psychology isn't entirely impractical, is it?  Still, the repercussions of that are still echoing off the walls of my social sphere and I find it unpleasant.  It just makes me want to isolate myself even more.

Master and I hit a bump last weekend.  It was a big bump.  It was a fucking scary bump.  And it wasn't an attractive-in-hindsight, taking me to the next level, BDSM bump either.  It was just life.  New plans clashing with old plans that had been laid down for quite a few years now...  I'm not a fan of the curve balls "life" like to throw.  I don't think most people are.  Again, I'm exhausted just thinking about it.  It was upsetting, painful, and rattling for us both.  I was not a fan... but I guess it needed to be dealt with.  I'm not going to go into any more detail about it.  There is more I could say, but I'm not sure I'm in the right head space to do that right now anyway.

On the BDSM front, things are feeling...... well, they feel neglected.  "On the back burner", so to speak. We're just both SO DAMN BUSY and we're both SO DAMN TIRED.  It's like there isn't room.  But, I know I am not the only one who has struggled with this.  And as other before me have said, I am still his slave - whether he is ordering me to kneel and suck his cock or he is ordering me to lay in bed with him and let him stroke my hair.  And I'll be honest right now... I do crave that "negative attention" that I think all slaves get an inch for.  But I also feel so fragile and frail right now that I sort of like knowing that I am going home to comfort and security. >_> No, I'm not turning vanilla... I'm just going through a lot of shit right now.

I think Master is too.

*~zelda...

(Sorry this post was such a downer and so uninteresting.  This is my 99th post... I'd like to do something at least a little special for #100.  Thanks for sticking with me.  All of you. *hugs*)

Gryffindor at Heart

I am a Harry Potter fan.  I am unashamed to admit this.  I found a VERY good sorting quiz based on Personality Theory (my fellow psychologists should feel their ears perking up at the mention of a familiar phrase about now) that I thought I'd share.. you know, in case any of my readers are closet nerds too. :P

The sorting hat says that I belong in Gryffindor!

Said Gryffindor, "We'll teach all those with brave deeds to their name."

Students of Gryffindor are typically brave, daring, and chivalrous.
Famous members include Harry, Ron, Hermione, Albus Dumbledore (head of Hogwarts), and Minerva McGonagall (head of Gryffindor).


Take the most scientific Harry Potter
Quiz ever created.

Get Sorted Now! 

My detailed results were:

Gryffindor - 99

Ravenclaw - 89

Hufflepuff - 85

Slytherin - 57

I've always considered myself of sort of "Gryffin-claw" hybrid, so these results make sense to me.  ALthough that 99 is a WEIRDLY high score. O_o But it's a neat test, even if it's a bit lengthly.  Master is a Slytherin... but then, aren't they all? LOL, only kidding.  Still, we make an odd pair, we do... ;)

(And for those wondering?  I didn't get into trouble yesterday.  Actually, I think he was sort of proud.. puzzling.)

*~zelda...

Like a Slap in the Face

This post isn't about BDSM or even my relationship.  If the idea of this bores you, I won't be offended if you leave.

It's just after 8AM as I write this and I am already having a shitty day.  This is exactly the opposite of what I (WE) needed.  Someone who I considered a friend... a trusted friend... gave Master and I a total slap in the face today.  More Master than me, really.. but I could stand what was being said to him in such a disrespectful manner.  I'm sure some of you will say it is not a slave's place to defend her Master.  It probably is it.

But I don't give a fuck.  No one talks like that to the people who I care about.  It was a total tear down, an attack on character, and an attack on his worth.  I have not been this angry with someone I considered close in years and I don't know what to do.  Master hasn't yet seen what I said to this person (it all took place on a private forum, if you're wondering).  In fact, right now, Master is at work and doesn't even know what this person said.  He might be angry when he sees that I took it upon myself to reply.  I wouldn't care.

I know this probably sounds like internet drama, but we communicate with this fellow (and a few others) online because they live in different countries on the other end of the world.  They've been good to us.  This man, in particular, was good to us.  But this was just a slap in the face, as if from no where.  I couldn't hold it back.  I am the type of person who will take all the shit in the world if you need me to, but DON'T expect me to let you sit there and tear apart my friends or my loved ones without me getting medieval on your ass.  I have no room in my life for people like that and my friends (and certainly Master) do NOT deserve that kind of treatment.

Right now, I don't care that this reflects badly on me as a slave.  I might even get a punishment.  I'm actually not sure on what Master's policy on this is because we've never been in this situation before.  But right now?  I feel it's worth it to stand up for something I believe in.  To stand up for a project and an effort that I believe in.   To stand up for a man who I believe in.  It makes me sick and just ANGRY thinking about what this person said.  I don't think I've ever cried in anger, but I did today.  It was probably a combination of sudden rage coupled with helplessness because this person is too far away for me to tear down in person.

I may be in shit for this later.  But again... right now, it's worth it damnit.

*~zelda...

The Wall

I fear that I've been failing to update the world about my life. :P I am sorry, although I'm quite sure that all of you who read here have had much better things to do with your time than blog-stalk me. lol

I have been frightfully busy.  WE have been frightfully busy.  Master got a promotion at work, which is really wonderful for him.  He seems quite pleased.  I think he's looking forward to the new type of work he'll be doing, it's much closer to his interests than the previous position was.  I am pleased because he is pleased. :3

I have all sorts of lovely things to tell you about that, sadly, have nothing to do with BDSM, slavery, etc.  I've had loads of awesome things happening in my life, and I am sad that I can't tell you about them as they are all work and school related (again, trying not to identify myself TOO obviously here).  Since returning home from my little trip away, things have settled quite happily between the two of us.  Sometimes when I get back from a trip, there is a bit of heels digging into the earth and teeth gnashing on my part.  Not so this time.  ...Well, looking back on it, I guess I did have at least one noteworthy experience that I could expound upon a bit here.

When Master first decided I was going to take a beating (read: flogging/paddling), he had me do something different that I had never done before.  Normally, I usually get beaten on the bed.  I'm either laying flat on it, bent over it, kneeling on it... something of the like.  Our humble abode is small, and this method is convenient.  This time, I was taken to the living room, instructed to face the wall while standing, and to put my hands up over my head with my palms flat against the wall.

I won't lie and make myself sound more awesome than I am. :P I had injured my shoulder recently and had to ask for permission to lower my hands after a few minutes due to that pain.  I was allowed, but still had to stand there facing into the wall during the ordeal.

I really didn't like it.  This is probably making me sound like a wuss, but honestly, it made me feel VERY odd and I was not into it at all.  When I was a kid, I never had "time outs" or anything like that... I was overly well-behaved, if anything.  Yet, staring at the wall getting belted made me feel like I was a little child being made to "go stand in the corner" as punishment.  I felt very claustrophobic.  I couldn't grab onto anything.  I couldn't bury my face in a pillow to drown out my screams.  I also had the very odd sensation that if I screamed out like I wanted to, people would hear me (I don't know where this came from, it usually doesn't bother me that much.  I don't want any neighbors to call the police, but still)... The problem is, if I am silent or he can tell I am trying to be quiet, he will go at me harder.  Finally, the combination of all of those weird feelings/differences made me lash out.  I actually hit the wall with my fist, mid-beating.

I know, I'm breaking all the slave "protocols" and stereotypes.  I was not being graceful in accepting what was being given to me in any way, shape, or form.  The thing is, Master doesn't seem to care whether or not I'm graceful about it.  If anything, I think he likes to see me outside of my own control, screaming, struggling, and all that.  (I think this is why he hits me harder when he thinks I'm trying to reign in my reactions :P).  Still, the whole "WHAT IS THIS, RAAAGE *punch wall*" thing was.. bad form, in my opinion.  And he wonders why I say I need to be restrained. :P

This action did cause him to check in on me, which I appreciated.  He seemed to think we should stop, but I didn't want to.  Giving up then would have made me feel that I had failed, that I was disappointing him.  So I gathered myself and took the rest facing the wall as I was supposed to.  I didn't want to let it defeat me.  (I almost put "let it beat me", but that was too pun-o-rific even for me :P)  I "finished" successfully without anymore freak outs..

Honestly, it's embarrassing for me to talk about that.  I'm not sure why.  There are just so many.. worse things that I and others have taken at the hands of a Master/Dom/top/whatever, that "facing a wall" REALLY seems like it shouldn't bring out that kind of response.  But in 6... nearly 7 years?  I had honestly never been RIGHT up against it like that, with nothing to hide in, nothing to grasp... it was interesting.  He hasn't had me do it since, which makes me feel bad because - again - it seems like I failed.  But of course I would be willing to do it again (not that it would really matter whether or not I'm willing, but really, I would be).  I want to prove again that I can do it.

I don't really know why I had the reaction that I did... but I think it was a growing experience.  I don't even get claustrophobic, yet something as simple as that brought out those sensations.  I'm waiting for my chance to try it again, hopefully with more success this time.

Thank you for not laughing at me.  And if you are?  Well.. that's okay too, I think.

*~zelda...

Clamping Down

Literally clamping down, I mean.  First, let me just give a big thank you to EdenFantasys - seller of adult novelties/sex toys that I'm sure you're familiar with - for giving me the opportunity to do all of these reviews.  This time, Master picked the item for me.  Previously, we didn't actually own any "real" nipple clamps.  I do love nipple torture, but we just never got around to purchasing any.  In the past, he would put clothes pins on me and make do with that.  Or.. you know, just twist them off himself. :P  But, I digress.

So, these lovely blue clover clamps found their way to my door.  I had seen these in pink and was sort of lusting after them in the back of my mind, but honestly, I was quite pleased when blue ones arrive.  Master may have been a bit disappointed, but I love blue and (not so secretly) abhor pink.  So +1 for me! ;)  But anyway, if you are not like me and would prefer pink ones, I believe the pink ones are currently out of stock.  I am not sure when they will be back, but I am sure they will come back eventually.  Here are a couple of photos of the set I was sent (and no, they're not in use in the picture... sorry all. :P).  I will say that my flash did weird things in these pictures and taking a good photo of these at night proved difficult.  Their color is richer than it appears here:

Check out the product page at EdenFantasys (linked to above as "clover clamps") too.  The image there shows the color quite accurately (although your monitor settings may vary from mine).

Also, here is a picture showing the "nubs"* mentioned a bit later on.  The color is TOTALLY off here because of the flash, but you can see the texture of the inside of the rubber pad:

Ignore the color in that last picture.  Only mind the little bumps (7 of them, it looks like) on the circular part where the clamp contacts the flesh.

Quite pretty!  ...And bitey.  As a lover of nipple torture, I can honestly say that these things hurt like a bitch.  I both loved and loathed this.  If you are looking for something with a firm, unyielding hold, these are the clamps for you.  They are easy to attach weights to as well if you would like added sensation.  The rubber tips between the clamps have these sort of... nubs* that stick out of them into your flesh.  I think this both adds to the sensation as well as ensuring that the clamps stay in place.

Master and I have had absolutely no problems getting these to stay on or stay in place.  Again, they are rather unyielding.  You can tug on the chain for a delightful "OW, FUCK" sensation without them coming off.  I don't think we have pulled on them violently or anything, but I'd say they'll stay in place for a firm yank.  During sex there were no problems with anything sliding around or popping off either.  Again - they stay where you put them.  I'll note that I have rather small nipples.  I'm not sure if this makes a difference in the way they hold their place, but I just thought I'd mention it.

I'm going to include a handful of precautions to go along with the use of these.  These clamps are an awesome, powerful product which I have greatly enjoyed.  However, do keep in mind that the coloring comes from PAINT which CAN CHIP OFF.  I haven't had any issues with this, but they are still fairly new and (so far) we've been fairly careful with them (not tossing them to the floor, no hard beatings right around the nipples during use, etc).  Obviously chipping paint won't make these pretties any less effective, but if the color is important to you, just be aware that they are colored with paint.

Additionally, a bit of a safety note, I don't think you are supposed to wear them for more than 20 minutes at a time.  This is the case with any kind of clamp/clothes pin device.  You risk permanent damage/tissue death after too long, so be safe when you play (I'm looking at tops and bottoms here).  No one wants to permanently lose feeling in their nipples.  Besides, I promise that after 20 minutes you'll be begging for them to come off.  Or dreading it terribly because we all know that part hurts the worst. :P

*~zelda...

Stepping It Up... With a Sadist

Master says he wants to "step it up".  I am as unsure about what that means as you are, and I find myself both anxious and excited.  It will surely demand more from me.  But, we must remember, in general giving more means getting more back... right?  Well, maybe not always.  However, in a reciprocal relationship (perhaps even symbiotic in a way), I find that tends to be the case.

I haven't mentioned it here on my blog, but I am traveling at the moment.  I'll return to Master on Saturday. What's waiting for me there...?  I hope this isn't one of those situations where I'm getting all excited and twittery about nothing.  You know, when you anticipate a change, and you get all geared up and motivated for it and then- ...you realize things aren't all that different from before and suddenly you feel silly for prepping so much.  But there's at least one thing he's mentioned specifically...

Last night, as we were chatting for a bit, he mentioned wanting to start using both of my holes simultaneously.  Either a butt plug + him, or some vaginal toy + him.  Apparently getting ramped up about dominating someone puts a man in the mood for stuffing a woman full. :P I wouldn't know.  We used to have anal sex quite a bit, but in the past.... mmm, 3-4 years?  Not so much.  I think I've had a toy in my ass a total of once during all that time and it was quite slender - not at all useful for preparing oneself for an erect cock.

So after bantering a bit about starting to collect more "anal accessories" (lol), the popular njoy plugs came up.  I've heard the stories.  I've heard "things" from friends... they sound amazing and concerning at the same time.  And to top it off, what SIZE?  I am not "inexperienced" with anal, but I am certainly out of practice... I think Master is leaning toward the medium, but I have no idea.  Input is welcome.  I don't believe this is going to be for 24/7 wear (although it may be left in for hours at a time while out and about), and he doesn't seem to be interested tossing me head first into the deep end (at least not at the moment).  I'd love to hear any anecdotes you may have.

At any rate, I'm interested to see what's coming with his plans.  I know he wants to feed his inner beast and "play" (I dislike that word, it really isn't a game) more.  I know he is going to be more demanding sexually.  I can handle those things.. I think. <_<  But what about being more demanding emotionally and mentally?  How many of the little freedoms he allows me will remain?  How hard and fast might these changes come?  Curiouser and curiouser...

I am excited to be heading home in a few days. ;)

*~zelda...

A Tip of the Hat

Believe me, I'm not really one for advertising and endorsements, but I do like to give credit where it's due.  You all hear me talk about EdenFantasys a lot because of the products that I review for them.  But this time I'm just acknowledges a lovely award that EdenFantasys received from AVN - the 2011 Outstanding Online Retailer award (you can read more about the award itself as well as the other categories/winners here)!

Honestly, I'm not at all surprised.  My experiences with EF have been nothing but positive.  In addition to their top-notch customer service and wide variety of original adult novelties, there are also a few other aspects of EdenFantasys that I don't talk about much.  For example, EF has some very wonderful, active, informative forums.  I'm mostly a lurker there myself (much like on Fet, if you know me there), but it's a lovely sex-positive community rife with awesome info and people.

Also, the experience of shopping with their website is quite nice.  All the products that I've looked at have video reviews as well as textual ones.  There is also this AMAZING tool: the 1:1 size comparison.  Click it, use the little slider tool to make the image bigger/small so that the size of a common object on your screen matches the size of the object in real life (they use images of credit cards and dollar bills for this matching), and poof: you have a life-sized image of the toy in addition to the provided measurements.  This has come in great handy for me personally.  Additionally, if you make an account on EF, you collect "points" as you browse the site viewing and searching for products, etc.  These points are redeemable for gift card points.  How awesome is that?

There are a lot of programs I don't know a whole ton about that sound awesome.  For example, there is a mentoring program as well as a program where some users can "teach" or "take" classes online.  There is a page here that talks about more programs in detail.

At any rate, I love this company.  Their prices are reasonable, products are great, customer service is second to none, and you're bound to bump into some neat people if you get involved in the community.  I wouldn't take the time to slap this up on my blog if I didn't believe this was a great company worth giving a nod to.  So, congratulations to EdenFantasys on your "O" Award!  It is well deserved.  I hope some of you (if you haven't already) will consider looking into this place!

*~zelda...

International BDSM Day

This has been floating around Fet a bit.  Hopefully you'll all get to enjoy something a little kinky today. ;)  Any ideas for how to celebrate?  Feel free to chime in.  I'd love to hear what you and yours might be doing.

*~zelda...

Wounded

There is nothing more invalidating or hurtful than being ignored.

*~zelda...

The Lesser Being

Opening note: I'm doing fine and everything I'm babbling about here has been resolved, but I wanted to get the thoughts out.  This post is probably more disjointed than usual.

I hate Freud.  Let me just toss that out there.  He's full of shit and... I just deleted a bunch of junk here.  Now isn't the time or place.  Suffice it to say that I do not buy into any of Freud's Fraud's bullshit.  That said, Master had a bit of a freudian slip last night.  We were bantering a bit about gender, power dynamics, social schemas, etc. when this little bomb drops out of his mouth:

"Well, as you're in the lesser role- I MEAN SUBMISSIVE..."

Now, some of you are going to laugh at me and chuckle about how un-twue I am.  That's fine.  I never claimed to be twue or perfect or a role model.  I've said repeatedly: submission is not in my nature.

But that little "slip" felt like a slap to the face.  Strangely, he retracted it almost immediately, saying that it wasn't the right word, wasn't what he was trying to convey.  But still... lesser.

It shouldn't bother me, right?  I'm a slave, that's what some (most?) would say we are.  However, it seems to rub Master's philosophies the wrong way for whatever reason.  He claims that he doesn't, and wouldn't want to, think of me as being any less valuable or less of a human being than he is.  He's even said he thinks of me as an equal... but how?  It's lost on me too.  It's true for me too though - regardless of what people say, I do not believe that Master is inherently "better" than I am just because he is an owner and I am property.

There are many things he is better at/with than I am.  Computer science is his expertise, I will never match him there.  He is a patient man, much more than I.  He has great self-control, which I only have in certain contexts.  He is (and likely always will be) stronger and faster than I am.

There are more, of course.  Those are just the ones that strike my fancy at the moment.  However.... he isn't inherently better than I am because of those things.  Nor is he inherently better than I am because he owns me.  I don't think his will is any stronger than mine.  The reason our dynamic works is not that he has more mental strength than I do, but rather that I am more willing to bend.  I see nothing wrong with this.  Can he force me to do something I really don't want to do? Yes.  Because eventually, I'll agree to do it.  I don't see it as a weakness on my part.  I just prefer pleasing him to getting my way.  And really... what better manipulation tool could you ask for?  It came built into me, too.

Frequently, I fail to understand this notion of "Master knows best".  ... I'm sorry.  No.  They probably do not ALWAYS know best.  They are people too, fellow slaves, subs, and bottoms.  You don't take on a slave and suddenly develop the magical ability to never fail and never be wrong.  They do fail sometimes (just like us).  They are wrong sometimes (just like us).

One aspect of submission that really shows one's colors is being able (and willing) to experience their failures and wrongs with them.  To trust them and go where they lead you, regardless of the fact that they may be incorrect.  This is... a unique and difficult aspect of submission.  Recognizing that one's Master is NOT perfect and that they may not be congenitally "better than you" just because of their status as owner - and following with blind faith anyway.  It is easy to trust a god who will "always know best", "always have his slaves best interest at heart", and "never make a false step".  There are people out there who do think this of their masters.  The difficulty is in trusting another human, even knowing that there will be times that they harm you or lead you astray.

(May I take a moment to note that it is very easy to always have someone's best interest at heart and STILL royally fuck up on the occasion?  It happens, man.)

Anyway, I have never believed that my Master possessed any kind of magical power that domination gave him that I lacked.  Perhaps that is because I am a very dominant individual outside of your relationship.  The whole... "less than" thing is so confusing.  He says he thinks of me as an equal, yet I don't have equal say.  I find it difficult to wrap my head around because logically, "slave" and "equal" just... don't add up.  Or maybe they do.  ...But I'll trust him on it.  Because that's what I'm here for and because I believe in him.

My difficulty in accepting and understanding "lesser" (even though it wasn't what he meant to say, he was very kind about indulging me and allowing me to converse about it) lead to another question from him.  I noted my ongoing struggles with slavery and submission and he essentially asked me: how is this hard?


Another slap to the face, I tell you! >.>  You've been doing this for years, he says.  Why is it still difficult?  And then I was faced with the daunting task of explaining to this man, who had never bent to anyone else's whims but his own, why it was hard.  A part of me got a bit nasty about it.  Knowing that surely this man would utterly fail at submission and how dare he have to audacity to ask me "how it is even difficult".  I really would like to see him try it.  We'd see how "simple" it became then.

In a way, we were both right.  But that's why I put up the bits from "Your Woman" last night.  I often feel like I'm not good enough.  It isn't that I am disobedient, because I am not.  It isn't that he pushes me too hard, because he doesn't.  It isn't that... it isn't anything.  It's honestly just something that will probably remain difficult for me to swallow.  I will keep trying.  I'll never fucking give up.  But just... true acceptance of the concept of slavery is......  It's hard.  It just is.

Your life is not your own.  Your choices aren't yours.  I don't want to liken it to becoming "nothing"... but sometimes it seems that way when you wake up in the morning and realize that even if you are allowed a few freedoms here or there, it's all illusory and those little choices that you take for granted can disappear as quickly as a thought passes through His synapses.  And people ask me why I have difficulty... I don't think anyone has an easy time all the time.  If you say you do, I will say right here and now - I think you are a lying.  Some times are easier than others.  Other times, you... I can't explain it.

I'm sure this is all making me sound ridiculous and like a failure.  I should be able to offer him more.  Part of me does celebrate it, and the majority of the time, I'm very happy.  But it is a truly, truly humbling thing to think about.

And I don't think that most people could deal with having their egos taken away like this as if it were as simple as breathing.  Sometimes in the beginning it seems that way.  It really does.  And sometimes, later on, you look up at the pinprick of light above you and realize how far down into the pit you've fallen.

*~zelda...

Your Woman.

"Just tell me what you've got to say to me
It comes as no surprise at all you see

Now I know your heart, I know your mind
You don't even know you're being unkind
Just use me up and then you walk away

Well, I guess what they say is true
I could never be the right kind of girl for you

I could never be your woman

And you're such a charming, handsome man
Now I think I finally understand
Is it in your genes? I don't know
But I'll soon find out, that's for sure

Well I guess what you say is true
I could never be the right kind of girl for you

I could never be your woman."

-Excerpts from Your Woman, White Town.

*~zelda...

The Middle Path - Madhyama Pratipad

Before anyone throws a "ask him" party in the comments section, I HAVE spoken with Master about the following subject.  Also, I may note that this post is not entirely about "play" (I hate calling it that) and it is not entirely about attitude.  Some of both, a bit of neither.  And yes, I am vague and unclear.  Sorry.

It seems that lately he's been shying away from his sadistic tendencies.  I won't lie to any of you - I am not the kind of slave that needs to be CONSTANTLY demeaned and belittled and abused and (etc, you know the drill) in order to be happy.  That might mean that I suck at being a slave and that I'm not "twue" by some standards.  But for me?  In general, when Master is happy, I am happy.  There are times when I want him to grab a fistful of hair and shove my head down onto his cock without warning and he just wants to cuddle.  During those times, we tend to cuddle. :P He gets what he wants.  And I'd be lying if I said I didn't deeply enjoy the attention and the affection.  I'm a cat at heart - I thrive on being petted.

But sometimes, the opposite will happen.  I think there are times when he will want to do something sadistic to or with me, but he.. doesn't.  He won't even mention it.  I think it's a combination of a few things.  One is that the man is exhausted.  Working is hard.  His job is particularly tiring and energy consuming (much more than my own).  As long as he is pleased, I am fine with just letting him flop in bed and rest as much as he wants.  But there is something else that I know prevents him from reveling in his urges.  And that something else is.. well, me.

It is his prerogative to do as he wishes with me.  We both know that.  Yet, for all of his sadistic tendencies, Master is strangely.... considerate.  (Which is SOOO not like him!  He was not this way when I met him and he is not this way with anyone else.  Geez, poor me, with this thoughtful, loving man. :/ I know, I know - cry more, zelda. lol)  If he senses that I'm not up for that kind of activity, he won't push it.  But what perturbs me is that it isn't necessarily "oh, slave is in a fragile state and is clearly upset/sick/whatever.  I won't push her right now".  Sometimes, he'll just.... assume that I'm opposed to it without ever bringing it up.  Now, there are time when I'm like "No!  Dun wanna!" but... he can make me?  And even if it's not something *I'm* craving, there are still many times when I'd like him do whatever he wants.  After all, what choice do I have?  He's stronger than I am anyway.

I think sometimes that Master is afraid of letting his sadistic side run completely wild.  He seems to be under the impression that he'll stop... caring about me or loving me.  I don't believe that.  I trust him to know himself and to know when he is in a place he doesn't want to be.  And yet, I also know how fucking difficult that kind of thing can be.  I don't mean to portray him weak or lacking self-control.  That isn't at all what I am saying.  But it's as if he doubts his ability to indulge his darker side without losing hold of the reigns.  There are reasons for these thoughts, but I don't want to go into them because... well, they aren't mine to talk about.

One of my slave-idols, a lovely woman named mouse, recently noted on her blog that her dominant/master decided to withdraw sadism from their relationship entirely.  I won't detail the reasons here (again, it is not my place to talk about other people's business but I do HIGHLY encourage you to check out her blog.  Our relationships/philosophies do differ in places, but I always enjoy her writing).  But when I read the posts about that some months ago, it made me wonder if my master had similar concerns about himself.

I spoke with Master about this.  Honestly, I think he worries about making me unhappy the most.  Which makes me feel... well, it makes me feel bad.  It's as if I haven't performed to par, like I haven't given him a reason to believe that I can be everything he wants me to be.

...And really, that's what I want.  I want to be what he wants me to be.  I know I'll never be perfect (and that's hurtful and hard to think about, really) but I can't help but want to give it my best.  I know he doesn't want to risk crushing me because he has already put a lot of effort into building me up.  And yet.... I dunno, I feel like I'll never be good enough.  It's as if I either end up having not enough self-value for his liking or I have enough, but I'm still too brittle to bend.

I think we both need to find the middle path.  It's something to think about for the both of us.  I want to at least be given the CHANCE to take whatever he wants to dish out.

*~zelda...

(image source/credit)

Amethyst

Welcome to another review of a lovely EdenFantasys product (in case you were unaware, EdenFantasys sells sex toys and other adult novelties/products).  The product I'm going to be babbling about today is one of several glass dildos that EdenFantasys has to offer.  It is quite beautiful.  I don't think my pictures here will do it justice.  It is hard, smooth, curvy, and called the Amethyst.  It is also blue.  Now, the product DOES come in purple, however the purple appears to be out of stock as I write this.  I'm sure it will be back soon.  I was quite pleased to receive a blue one in the mail (which I was not expecting) as the color is very rich and quite pleasing to the eye.

I must say that I love the appearance of this dildo.  I have seen glass dildos with parts or sections colored, but I've actually never seen one colored the way this item is.  I very much like it.  As a side note, the Amethyst comes with the same little velvet bag that is pictured in my previous review.  Good for storing in a sock drawer or chest, but NOT enough padding to keep the toy protected if dropped.  Treat your glass toys with care!  A break, chip, or a crack will make your toy unusable (trust me, you do not want anal/vaginal cuts or - God forbid - bits of glass stuck in your sensitive bits.  For this reason, NEVER use a glass toy that has been damaged!)

Speaking of damage - this review is coming a bit later than usual because it was delayed by a sort of postal snafu.  When the Amethyst first arrived at my door, the box was quite beat up.  Thank you, post office.  Upon opening the box, I discovered that my new, shiny toy had a few minor scratches on it.  Again, I blame the post office.  Honestly, I probably could have used it and been okay but I followed my own advice (for once) and emailed my EdenFantasys rep about the problem instead.  I was promptly emailed a return shipping label.  I wrapped up the toy again, put it box in the box it was sent to me in, took off the old label, brought the new one + the box to a UPS store, and off the toy went.  A new one was sent out as soon as the damaged item was received.  I was very pleased with the process - simple, convenient, and without a giant fuss.  Thus, I can say I am very pleased with EdenFantasys' customer service.

Anyway - onto the GOOD part.  I got the replacement shortly after sending in the previous item and finally got to try it out.  Here it is!

Without flash on (as a note, the pictures I took made the Amethyst look a bit darker than it usually looks in natural light.  Since it is glass, I imagine there will be slight color/shape variations between products anyway.  Still, this product DOES have a nice, rich color and is very pretty!):

With flash on!  Isn't is pretty all lit up in the flash light?

This is why I chose the banner I did for this review.  This is a g-spot toy.  An AMAZING g-spot toy.  If you haven't found it, I swear, it exists and it is worth looking for.  Now, the curve may seem intimidating to some inexperienced g-spot players, but you'll want to work with it at you own pace.  For me, the toy was perfectly sized and easily found my g-spot.  For those who may have g-spot a bit farther back, there is a certain amount of flexibility with this toy (meaning, you can use more or less of it internally depending on how near you g-spot is) so I think it should still work just fine.

Now, I'm not sure if you're really SUPPOSED to do this (hehe), but I trying the straight but bumpy end as well.  I liked it!  I don't think it's something that everyone is going to rave about, but it is another option.  Another reason why this toy has earned some points - I think the two differently shaped/sized ends give it some variety.  The bumps on the other end still stimulated my g-spot, just not as DIRECTLY (or intensely) as the curved end did.  Still, you've got to love multi-functionality. ;)

Like all glass toys, temperature play can be involved.  AND the Amethyst is exceptionally easy to clean due to the fact that it's made out of glass.  Now, allow me to remind you that glass toys WILL NOT give.  Be gentle with this one the first 1-2 times, especially the curved bit.  I haven't had it happen, but I'm willing to bet you could bruise yourself with this if you aren't careful.  Not that you can't play rough, just make sure not to try going from 0 to 60 mph first thing, ne?

All in all, I really can't find anything to complain about with this toy.  It is probably my FAVORITE toy that I've reviewed from EdenFantasys (and honestly, I think it's the best g-spot item in my collection of other things too).  So if you're experienced with the g-spot realm or you want to give it a try, I say go for it.  This toy is awesome awesome awesome.  It'll also last you a loooooong time if it is taken care of properly.  I highly recommend this product!

*~zelda...

Her Majesty, Pharaoh Hatshepsut

Who is a woman in history you respect?

I'm not sure if "respect" is a strong enough word for the woman I'm going to mention here.  Perhaps something more along the lines of "idolize"?  I can never live up to her legacy, but she has been an inspiration for me since a very early age.  The only female Pharaoh.  Not just queen consort.  Not just queen regent.  Pharaoh.

There are a handful of Egyptian queens who are known to the modern lay-person.  Nefertiti.  Cleopatra.  Perhaps even Nefertari.  Yet, despite their achievements, these women never reached as high as Hatshepsut.  Ironically, Hatshepsut ruled several centuries or so before Nefertiti and many centuries prior to Cleopatra (VII, if you need to know which one I'm referring to).

After the death of her father, she took a husband - her half brother, Thutmosis II.  He was sickly and died shortly after.  However, despite the fact that Thutmosis II had produced a male heir by one of his consorts (Prince Thutmosis III), he was too young to rule and Hatshepsut moved from the position of Queen Consort to Queen Regent.  Her daughter, Neferure (presumably fathered by her husband Thutmosis II, however this is debatable) also moved up in rank.  Shortly after this "upgrade", it became apparent that Hatshepsut did not intend to give over her rule to Thutmosis III.  She was crowned Pharaoh of Upper and Lower Egypt circa 1479 BC.  Some scholars believe that her father had groomed her to rule as his successor, sensing that his son was weak and ill-equipped for the crown.

Her rule was greatly successful and surprisingly unopposed.  In general, it was a time of peace - however she did successfully lead military campaigns in Nubia, Syria, and Levant.  She expanded Egypt's trade network a great deal.  Perhaps more telling of her success is the fact that she was a prolific builder - the  sign of a successful pharaoh.  The Deir el-Bahri complex still stands today, as does the Red Chapel and one of her obelisks (at the time, it was the tallest in all of Egypt).  You may find more about her building exploits here.  As time went on, she was depicted as a man in the friezes telling stories of her life.  In court, she worn the traditional false beard of the male pharaohs and was known to occasionally drop the feminine "t" at the end of her name and go by "Hatshepsu".

Truly, Hatshepsut was pharaoh.  A great pharaoh.  Yet, her rule did eventually end as you'd expect it to. She died after ruling for 22 years, sometime in her 40s or 50s.  An abscessed tooth prevented her from eating and she had the misfortune of suffering from pain and malnourishment for several months before her death.  She was buried with full honors - as a king.  As a pharaoh.

And, despite all this, there were still rumors that she was having a love affair with the Royal Architect, Senenmut.  Some were not happy that a woman was on the throne.  For example, here is a rendering of some graffiti found in a construction area that, I think, remained unfinished.  Presumably it was drawn by a workman:

What we have here is a woman, wearing the nemes crown (image here, for reference) unique to male Pharaohs, apparently taking it from behind.  It is assumed that this is Pharaoh Hatshepsut and Senenmut, presumably indicative of the fact that some people continued to be disturbed by the idea of a woman on the throne.  After all, being penetrated means weakness, yes? *insert eyeroll*

This woman has my deepest admiration and has had it since I was a child.  I aspire to be like her: Diplomatic, yet unafraid of conflict.  Pragmatic and practical, yet able to build a prolific legacy.  Down to earth, but pious.  And, perhaps most interestingly, able to wield the control, power, and intelligence associated with masculinity while still being able to exhibit the beauty, grace, and sensuality of femininity.  Hatshepsut was a fascinating blend of stereotypical male and female attributes.  This is something that I relate to deeply.  In some sense, I too was trained by my father as his "heir" and "son", despite the fact that he once had other male children.  But that is another story for another time.

My relationship with this idol is complicated.  I too struggle with this blending of male and female, and even the struggle of blending dominance with slavery.  I have mentioned before that my slavehood feels like a contradiction to the rest of me.  I wonder if Hatshepsut also wondered these things, sitting on the royal dias and wearing sandals painting with her enemies on their soles (so that she might crush them with each step) by day, and perhaps falling into the arms of a man at night, releasing the anxiety into his embrace.

It is a strange duality.  Although I seriously doubt that Her Majesty the King would ever consider herself a "slave", I am sure she felt loves pull - and even vanilla people refer to love as a form of slavery.  I think she would understand.  Across the centuries, I wish I could have known her.  So much of the time, there is no one here to answer these questions about myself (save for me).  I feel, again, that she would have understood the strength and struggle in being both a ruler and a subject.

"Now my heart turns this way and that, as I think what the people say.  Those who shall see my monuments in years to come and who shall speak of what I have done." -Hatshepsut, Pharaoh Maatkare (meaning "truth and justice in the soul of Ra").

*~zelda...

Repeatedly

I don't think I've ever had as much sex in a 24 hour period as I did yesterday.  I'm not sure I will ever have that much sex in one day again. X_x

The strange part is that nearly all of the sex was initiated by me.  How odd and how lucky I am that Master obliged me.  I am rarely so horny.  In fact, episodes of horniness are few and far between for me.  But occasionally I'll get into these cycles where the more I get, the more I want, and the sorer my pussy becomes, the more I need it to be filled.

Ah, masochists.  We're a strange group, are we not?  I never thought of myself as much of a masochist, but it's something that Master brings out of me I suppose.

I'm lacking words.  I don't have much to say.  I feel like the drama of last week has passed.  Things are going well, which leaves me content and without a whole lot to say.  Sometimes I have concerns that my blog makes it seem like constantly unhappy or doubting myself, mostly because inspiration comes with confusion and hardship.  Oh well.  I ought to finish those posts that I've been promising for so many ages.  I swear, I haven't forgotten.

I'm just content and tired from so much fucking. :P

*~zelda...

Five Dollar Sushi

I write you from work.  I am on my lunch break, sitting next to a half finished California roll that I really wish I hadn't spent $5.50 on.  I've found my appetite suddenly absent, and I'm not sure for what reason.  Still, I have 4 pieces of sushi that I don't want that will expire on Sunday.  Now what? *le sigh*

The aftermath of Sunday's events has been interesting.  It's strange how an event that lead me to self-loathing and floundering can later transform into a bonding experience.  I feel safer with Master than ever before, for some reason.  And the contradiction is striking (to me at least).  Part of me is worried that he'll be holding back for a long time because of what happened... I don't want that.  In the dance of consensual non-consent, there is a lot of grey area.  I'm comfortable with grey.  I trust with him grey.  I'm just wondering how long it may be before he trusts himself with grey again.  Another day?  A week?  More?  I guess we'll see.  I won't be pushing.  The decision is his, after all.  It always is.

We've been reading together lately, which I've enjoyed.  It makes me feel comfortable, in a way.  I'm sure why, but it's a relaxing activity to have together.  I read aloud to him, and he'll lay in bed next to me and stroke my hair (perhaps brush it if I'm lucky).  Master has always taken excellent care of this piece of property, and for that I am thankful.

The bruising around my neck is clearing.  As usual (for me), it wasn't visible but the ache under the skin was very tangible.  That is subsiding, along with my concerns.  Maybe I am vulnerable, but why should that necessarily be a bad thing?  I like to be vulnerable to him.. and I'm looking forward to sharing that with him for a long time.  Slave mentality is a funny thing, and occasionally, I get disturbed when I find myself thinking or behaving in way that is... well, the way a slave thinks.  It can be damned terrifying when it creeps up on you.

Somedays I think I have too much autonomy and freedom.  And then there are other days.  Days when that illusion crashes down all around me in rubble.  Because that's what my "autonomy" is - illusion.  I might even go so far as to say that it's delusion.

It can be frightening when suddenly you realize that you already have exactly what you thought you wanted.

*~zelda...

Running Scared

Something very odd happened to us two nights ago (the night before last).  I don't want to explain the situation entirely.  Doing so would be unfair to those involved (namely, Master and I).  I will try to summarize, but it will be nebulous.  This may make him look bad in the eyes of some - and I will remove or privatize the post should he ask me to.  But is his human and imperfect, which is a very large part of why I love him.  Besides, how strange would it be if I were solely responsible for all of our issues?  As they say - it takes two.

Without too many details: I was "punished".  I was "punished" without warning, out of anger, suddenly, and severely.  I was "punished" without having done anything wrong.

And for the first time in our years together, I really was afraid of him.  I felt betrayed, hurt, and terrified.  If a friend had told me that this happened to her, I would tell her to leave.  Just go.  But all my friends are vanilla.

And besides... it's his prerogative, is it not?  I gave him permission to do what he sees fit with me years ago.  M/s and O/p are rarely so simple as "just leave".  I would never take something like that from anyone...

But I'd take it from him.  The whole thing brought up so many feelings.  Master is not a brute and he is not abusive.  But to err is human, and I suppose that with the nature of our relationship, this sort of thing was bound to happen.  Mostly it's hard because I have no one to talk to about it.  My vanilla friends would see it as abuse if I ever breathed a word and I honestly don't know anyone in the kinky world (which is mostly restricted to the internet for me) that I feel near enough to to confide in.

I didn't know how to feel about being legitimately fearful of him.  I have always been so trusting of him and it was hurtful and frightening to have that taken away so suddenly.  (Am I being dramatic?  I feel like I might be.  I'm sorry, because that isn't my intention).  Some people claim to fear their masters, but I have difficulty putting "fear" and "trust" into the same equation.  He pushes me to face my fears and I have been afraid of various sadistic wants that he has.... but I've never been afraid of him.

I still trust him with everything.  Again, it's expected that he will eventually make errors like I do (although his are fewer and farther between).  Yet... it's hard to explain.

I suppose it was just a reminder that really, I am nothing.  I have no value other than what he places on me.  I have no power other than the power he chooses to grant me (which he can remove at any time).  It was a reminder of how open I really am to him after seeing how something that can happen so fast could totally flip my mental schemas on their heads.  A reminder of how easily he can wound me, physically and emotionally, without even intending to.  Despite knowing all this, having it shoved in my face so suddenly was... painful and scary.

Perhaps a better slave would have welcomed this.  Perhaps a better slave wouldn't have been surprised or upset... But if I am honest with myself, being reminded of my place in such a manner was simply... unpleasant.  Not arousing or comforting as it normally might be.  There was something about the situation and the fear that just made the flood of realizations in the aftershock make me feel disgusted with myself.  Like I was nothing more than some smear of dirt on the sole of a show... pitiable, perhaps.  But utterly insignificant.

This isn't very "true"-slave of me, is it?  No reveling in the wonder of my position.  I guess I don't have a slave heart (is anyone surprised, really?).

I just feel weak.  That's what it really made me feel like...

Weak.

*~zelda...

The Outsider

"Now I ride with the mocking and friendly ghouls on the night-wind, and play by day amongst the catacombs of Nephren-Ka in the sealed and unknown valley of Hadoth by the Nile. I know that light is not for me, save that of the moon over the rock tombs of Neb, nor any gaiety save the unnamed feasts of Nitokris beneath the Great Pyramid; yet in my new wildness and freedom I almost welcome the bitterness of alienage.

For although nepenthe has calmed me...

I know always that I am an outsider; a stranger in this century and among those who are still men."

*~zelda...

Safer Sex in the City

I'm a fan of charity.  A big fan.  And I have an opportunity here for those of you who also love charity.  The best part is?  You can give without pulling out your wallet if you aren't able to do that right now.  I love things like this because there is no reason not to participate when you can help someone with little to no effort.  As they say - why not?  But before I get into details, let me explain what the charity is for.   It is aimed at helping those with HIV/AIDS.  This particular event comes to us from a group in New York City, the AIDS Service Center in NYC.  They are hosting an annual event called Safer Sex in the City.  But what can I do, zelda?  I don't live in New York!  Me neither!  But there is still an easy, free way to lend a hand.

However, I've been asked to talk a bit about how HIV and/or AIDS has touched my life.  I'll be honest - I've been quite sheltered from it.  I'm in a purely monogamous relationship.  Master and I... well, without getting too deeply into our history - let's just say there is no risk of catching anything from each other.  It's been this way for me since day one.  I never had to worry after an unprotected encounter with a stranger because I've never had one.  But I do remember looking in through a window, so to speak.

I was at my university's health center.  I was there because I had someone how managed to contract mono (I don't even know.  Did you know you can get it just by sharing drinks or utensils?  I didn't.) and I was waiting for my own test results.  But I wasn't the only one in the waiting room, that day.  There was also a man.  He was probably a few years older than I was at the time, in his early 20s with red hair in dreadlocks.  He was nervous and perturbed, but I wasn't paying much attention to him.  I was more worried about what it would mean if my mono test came back negative (since I was told that could mean something more serious was wrong).

A nurse called the man's name and handed him an envelope.  He took it and left in a hurry.  Again, I wasn't paying it much heed.  But then he came back, moments later.  He grabbed the nurse's arm saying, "Excuse me, I have a question, um... so.. I don't have AIDS?"  He looked so afraid, on the verge of being told he was HIV free, yet still seemingly fearful that he had misread the results.

"No," she said matter-of-factly.  "We would have made it very clear if it had been positive."

"Oh.  Well, thank you."  And off he went again.  I imagine he was greatly relieved, but was probably still too shaken to take much joy in the news.

I was an interaction I hadn't been planning on seeing.  I didn't know who the man was and I haven't seen him since that day, about 2.5 years ago.  But it made me stop and think about how lucky I am to have never been exposed to something so frightening.  It is easy to judge and to think "perhaps he should have kept it in his pants".  And maybe there is some truth to that.  But there is no way of knowing what happened to that man to make him have to wonder and wait in terror for those test results.  A cheating lover.  A potentially tainted blood transfusion.  Who knows.

In general, I don't worry about AIDS personally.  But I do worry about it in a global context.  And no one is immune - anything can happen, which is again why it's so important not to be judgmental and why we should keep searching for the cure.

Now, how we can help.  EdenFantasys has teamed up with Safer Sex in the City and for every person who "likes" the fundraiser page on facebook (provided in the previous link), EdenFantasys will donate $1.  I know some of you may be thinking that a dollar doesn't seem like a lot, but those dollars add up!  And you can help out 100% free.  So please, if you have an extra five seconds, just click the "Like" button on their facebook page.  :)  Or if you're in the area, buy some tickets!  After all, it's for a good cause.

*~zelda...

Apologies for the lack of updates & love

Dear friends (if any of you are still out there),

I am sorry for my absence.  Master has been very sick the past few weeks and I have been bogged down with absolutely AWFUL allergies.  In fact, Master is off at Urgent Care right now trying to get antibiotics.  I'd be there with him, but he didn't actually tell me where he was going (there are many urgent care options where we live.. I called a few and can't find him.  Damn.) so I'm left here to wait.

Sometimes, I wish I could talk to you about my professional life.  What I have been working on the past few weeks is really, truly fascinating to me and I'd love to share it with you.  But my position is unique and it was utterly blow my already flimsy anonymous mask.  It's part of why I have been away.  Sometimes when I can't talk about what I want to talk about, I simply don't talk at all.  So I am sorry for keeping you all in the dark.

It's not just here, though.  I've withdrawn in a lot of areas lately.  I've almost completely withdrawn from Fet.  I don't think I've logged in for other a month, which is unusual for me.  Lately I have had a sort of... issue with hearing out everyone else's opinions.  It's sort of odd.  It's not as though I am judgmental of what others do (trust me, as long as I'm not involved, you may all do what ever you please), but... I suppose I've sort of stopped caring.  It's not an apathy toward my own relationship or power exchange, but I am apathetic regarding what other people are doing in their homes.  I mean really, why does it matter?

I realize that there are, in fact, things to be learned from the successes and failures of others.  And I swear, I am still reading all of your blogs even if I haven't been commenting.  Blogging is different, so I hope that none of you here will be offended.  But regarding Fet, everything is so PC.  "Well, this is what WE do, of course it's totally different for everyone else, but MY Master (or conversely, MY slave) does blah blah blah..."  .... if it doesn't matter and is totally different for everyone else, why are we all here listening?  It feels less like people want to engage in dialogue and more like everyone is simply standing around waiting to talk about themselves.

(Remember that question from Pulp Fiction?  During a conversation, do you listen or just wait to talk?  There is a big difference, and it's usually easy to tell who listens and who is just waiting their turn.)

Threads of Fet have sparked some interesting conversations between Master and I, but sometimes it just drags me down.  I'm sure I'll be back to it eventually.  I do like to listen to other people, even when it isn't directly related to my own life but... I think I am simply trying to focus more on Him the directions/demands that he gives to me (while worrying less about what the rest of the world is doing).  Frankly, I don't care if we're "doing it wrong".  We'd be total exiles in the community anyway.  We don't play with others, we don't go to play parties and make appearances, we're total squares.  I wouldn't mind attending, but Master is simply not social and if he isn't interested, it isn't happening.  To some that would make us BDSM or Lifestyle posers, but please do remember - I really don't care.  My focus is him and it will probably stay that way, even if I'm willing to listen to what input others may have.

I'm not sure if it's just me who feels this way or if it happens to others.  But, it is what it is.  Feel free to comment and let me know if you occasionally tire of wading through the details of other people's lives.

*le sigh* I've missed blogging!  I know it's only been a few weeks, but it's felt like AGES.  Again, I am sorry for withdrawing.  I have several half-done posts hanging out in my queue, so perhaps I'll get back to work on those.  One is about my favorite female historical figure - a woman I have admired since childhood.  Another is about Anahata, the heart chakra.  And a few others are in there too.  Additionally, there will be another toy review to look forward to (damn I love doing those).

Thank you to those who have stuck with me and who still read here, despite my occasionally fickle posting patterns.

Master has ordered some new implements to try out with me.. that ought to be interesting, in the least. ;)

*~zelda...

P.S. - For those wondering, the 30 days of self love project ended up being continued in private.  Some of it was too identifying in the end. :P

Happy Birthday, Master

Oh, and by the way love?  Happy Birthday. <3  I hope you enjoyed today.  I tried my best to make you happy.  And I am very, very happy that you were born.

*~zelda...

Rainbow Review

Let me start this off by saying that I love, love, LOVE glass toys.  I say this about very few things, but honestly it is something that I think everyone should at least try once.  Eden Fantasys has some very affordable glass sex toys for a curious experimenter to choose from.  I'll say this too - there are a lot of options.  You would think that glass toys would leave you with only dildos to choose from, but I found this to be untrue - there is at least one vibrating option available, which I would love to test out in the future.

Anyway, for this particular review I was sent the lovely Rainbow Heart.  Literally, it is both rainbow-y and heart shaped.  Did any of you ever see Sailor Moon?  This looks like it could be one of the sparkly "weapons" from that show.  I was deeply amused and pleased by that.  The toy is VERY nice to look at, in my opinion.  Many glass pieces are.  However, I do think it is easy to tell what this particular toy is so I wouldn't recommend it putting it on display if you're concerned about people knowing that you've got a few toys in your theoretical chest. ;)  It could pass for a massager, but honestly?  The heart-shaped handle gives it away.

I was surprised by the size of this toy.  It has a bit more girth than I imagined, but I enjoyed that.  The bumps all along the outside were very stimulating and quite prominent.  I promise, the nubs will NOT go unnoticed.  Again, it is quite attractive to behold due to the colors.  The nubs look pretty and innocent, but I will caution you that they may be too much for some people.  If you are a beginning with glass toys or new to very textured toys, I would not recommend this for your first foray.  However, I enjoyed using this toy immensely.

I started off with a solo session.  I wanted to see how the toy felt on it's own and I wanted to get used to it a bit before Master got a hold of it and started forcibly shoving it in there.  The handle is actually really great for solo use as it makes the toy easy to grasp and hold onto.  The same principles apply for play with a partner - it gives them something nice and solid to grip.  Another thing to keep in mind, this toy could be dangerous in the hands of a sadist.  Glass is not soft.  Glass will not give.  I promise that it is firmer than any cock you may have encountered.  Too much thrusting with any glass toy may leave you bruised and sore.  Those of you with sadistic lovers have been warned!

Another note, this toy is probably suitable for anal play.  I haven't tried that out yet, but it's a reasonable length and the flared end makes it seem like it would be pretty tough to lose it up there.  Though the same warnings apply with anal: be gentle.  Glass is very firm and you don't want to do any permanent damage by thrusting too vigorously.  I'm not sure how those bumps would feel anally but hey... feel free to try it and let me know!

One bonus with this toy: due to the glass material, temperature play can happen!  Stick the toy in the freezer and get it cold.  Warm it up in a bowl of hot water (not too hot, because burnt genitals suck).  Additionally, you CAN use this as a back massager and it feels great.  So you could also warm it up for that.  Although I'm telling you - if you haven't tried it, try getting a glass toy warm.  You won't regret it.

I highly reccomend this toy to anyone who isn't naive to texture (or, if you are, what the hell - try it.  You might like it).  It's high quality.  Glass is easy to clean and to take care of.  It is going to last you a LONG time and most glass dildos are pretty affordable.  Even if this particular toy doesn't appeal to you, again, Eden Fantasys has quite a few affordable options to choose from (and some more expensive ones if you already know what you like).  I loved this toy and I will be using it for a long time.

*~zelda...

P.S. - The little velvet bag came with the toy.  It is good for just keeping the toy covered, but it won't really protect it if you drop it.  Do  your best to avoid dropping glass toys as they can break or chip.

Day 6 - 9

I owe myself a bit of optimism.  I was... otherwise engaged over this weekend.  I apologize for neglecting my daily-posting task.  It happens, I suppose.  Anyway, let's see if I can come up with 4 things about me that I enjoy in one sitting.

I truly appreciate my Master and all that he does for us.

I have a wide breadth of interests, and therefore can be happy doing many different things.

I am patient (when I need to be).

I am excessively honest.

I may return to the "honesty" one later.  But in the mean time, this post should make up for 05/06-05/09. :)

*~zelda...

Day 5

I am a hard worker.

I work hard.  I do.  I am willing to put in the proper amount of effort into things to get a decent pay off.  I'm intrinsically motivated to work (most days) and I always get what needs to be done finished.

*~zelda...