I'll Be Seeing Him Again...

Tomorrow.

I'll see Master again tomorrow.  The last time I saw him in the flesh was July 11th.  I'll see him tomorrow evening, Tuesday morning, Tuesday evening, Wednesday morning... and then we'll both be gone.

This distance is so strange after living with him for so many years.  The 24/7 so-called "lifestyle" isn't something you just walk out of.  I feel him around me all the time, in the background, in the distance...

But I miss him so.  It hurts.

If he could just get down here sooner... Just a bit longer, I tell myself.  *Sigh*

I do know this.  Our meeting will be intense and wonderful.

After we part, I will crash.  Hard.

*~zelda...

(Still.. I look forward to it.  How can I not?)

On My Knees

I think I've exhausted myself.  Maybe Master too.  There has been a lot of sex going on in our house.  A lot.  He's also turned up the heat a bit in terms of his domineering attitude.  I'm fine with this.  In fact, I love it.  It's kind of rare to see him in his element these days - things pile up: work, no car, sickness, etc.  Our whole relationship has been pretty light on the BDSM for the past.. year.  It didn't seem that long to me, but I looked back over my blog and found that it has indeed been kind of a long time.  After the struggling I went through a few weeks ago, this feels like coming home.  Like air after being under water for too many minutes.  I'm enraptured.

Naturally I love him no matter what is going on.  Part of being a slave is accepting that his needs come before my own.  He always takes very good care of me and ensure that I am generally content - but I can't force him into uber-Dominant mode whenever I feel like I need someone else to take the reigns.  Sometimes I ask if I find myself particularly desperate, but it's not the same when I have to request it.  He doesn't typically indulge those requests anyway.  ..I dunno, I don't mean to make the man sound lazy or vanilla.  Truth this, things have been out of sorts for a long time.  Mostly financially and that bothers him a lot more than it bothers me (call me naive, I'm just glad we have a roof over our heads and food in the fridge).  But the reality is that what he needs (support, R&R, a solid SiC by his side) are what I have to give him.

It's tough, though.  I think that's what results in the discord I feel inside sometimes.  I have to be mentally alert, agile, ready to contribute, helping carry my share of the weight.  But I find it difficult to give advice to someone and submit to them in the same breath if that makes sense.  It's easier if he's fully in control of the situation.  Of course it is.  Unfortunately, no one is going to be 100% in control of everything all the time.  That's why people have servants or "help" as we used to call them - sometimes you need someone else to do some shit for you.  I think I'm rambling and I've stopped making sense.  The point is, I think we're getting back on our feet.  Or at least, he's getting back on his feet and I've got to get back on my knees.  And I like the view from down here very much.

I'm totally, totally exhausted though... *curls up on the couch*  I may have a nap right now if I can get my brain to shut up for long enough.  He's still at work and I've got several hours before he's home and we start dinner (I know, I'm the worst - I rarely cook alone, usually either he cooks or we cook together.... but he claims to like it.  And I never said I was worth a shit for anything domestic).  Hopefully everyone is enjoying the Monday as much as a Monday can be enjoyed.  I have lots of deadlines coming up over the next few weeks.. wish me luck.

*~zelda...

Challenge

This is unrelated to anything.  I've been hearing this song on the radio, and I really love it.  The male singer sounds like Sting (especially during the chorus).  It's really awesome hearing an 80s voice in modern music (I'm an 80s music junkie).  If you're interested, hit Play while you read the rest. :P



I'm still trying to read that Fifty Shades series.  I'm not sure if I'm just getting used to the shitty writing or if the author improved by the time she rolled around to writing the second book.  Could be some combination of both.  Still, going to press on.  It's tough for my the judge something before getting through the whole thing.  ... That's not to say it hasn't stopped me in the past, but eh - I'm busy as hell and my brain could use something thoughtless to occupy it.  It's like watching daytime television - a reprieve from academia and intellectualism.  I have to confess, though - I've not been converted into an erotica fan. lol  I've also started re-reading a bit of Tess of the d'Urbervilles.  I'm not the biggest fan of 19th century lit, but it is a classic.

(By now you're all probably wondering what kind of literature I *do* like.  I can save that for another post.)

I missed the March Q&A train again.  I forget every year.  I think I did it once, but didn't receive many questions anyway.  Still, I'd like to catch it from the get-go one of these days.  Maybe next year!

I've been pondering Master and my relationship with him a lot recently.  In good ways.  Still, I can't help but self-deprecate so much of the time.  I want to be challenged, but I know that as soon as it gets difficult, I rear up and buck against it all.  It makes me disappointed in myself.  Maybe I'm not trying as hard as I think I am...?  It's hard to say.  I feel like I do fight for it, struggle with myself over it, but try as I might - the whole "total submission" thing eludes me.  He's told me time and time again he doesn't want utter submission.. it would make me dull.  I agree with him - it would make me very dull.  But I need to give him more than what I've been offering recently.

Meh.  It's hard.  You all know that, I'm sure I'm preaching to the choir.  I just think I should have a better grasp on this by now.  Maybe it's because I'm so young.  I guess we'll see as the years unfold further.  Time has been marching on alarmingly fast these past few moons...

*~zelda...

His Car

I was pondering the concepts of property and being property.  At first I was thinking about myself.  Then I started thinking about his car.

I'm debating on going into detail about his car.  I'd love to paint you a perfect picture of it, but I'm always unsure about issues of privacy and identity.  I'll give the details that I can.

It's older, between 15-20 years old or so.  Black.  Mustang.  It was bought used.  It had never been kept inside and the paint job had already gone to shit by the time he bought it.  It has still never been kept inside, or even covered, and the poor thing has a handful of rust spots (although it's doing rather well given the humid northwest climate).  When it was acquired, it had already been in an accident.  The airbags are still missing as he never replaced them.  Master very carefully found new pieces for it - new side fenders, front bumper, among other bits that needed replacing - and repositioned and aligned them by hand soon after the purchase.  I'm sure there is other work he did with it, but I wouldn't know enough to comment on it.  Aside from the missing airbags, you wouldn't know it'd been in a wreck just by looking at it.  Within the last year, someone backed into the left side fender while he was parallel parked.  No note or accountability - just gone.  He hammered it out as best he could with only a crowbar to work with... but it still looks a bit like paper that someone crumpled up and tried to smooth out again.  It needs another side fender.

Inside, it has a few issues too.  The air conditioner is broken and has never worked - not vital for driving and too costly to replace.  The radio has loose wires all over the place that make it mostly unusable.  It decides when the music will stop and start, or if there will be music at all.  The wires around the battery are corroded and wrapped in electrical tape.  The intake manifold on the engine has had to be replaced more than once.  The check engine light clicks on and off occasionally - deciding that it's fixed itself by the time anyone gets out there to check the codes and deciding there is a problem whenever one needs to drive more than 20 miles.  Two doors.  Bucket seats.  It's kind of a nightmare when my back is being unfriendly to me (or when I have cracked ribs :P).

I can't tell if he has any attachment to that car or not, to be totally honest.  He's owned it at least 4 or 5 years.  I tease the poor thing.  I call it a hunk of junk, scrap metal, piece of shit... But the truth is, I really love that car.  When I moved to Oregon for school, he followed me up in that car - he drove 900 miles in that thing in one day just to see me all the sooner.  That thing has done pretty well, especially considering I've only ever seen him change the oil twice (maybe he's done it more without my knowledge, I don't know)... It's given its all.  I'm grateful to it, in all honesty.  And I'll be sad the day is has to go (as all things someday must).

Bringing this back to me - sometimes, I relate to that car.  I've done pretty well for myself too, given the circumstances.  But I'm not perfect.  I don't always run like I'm supposed to.  I'm a little beat up and have some permanent scarring, both inside and out (I don't care to address either variety of scar in this post).  I tease myself too... It's beyond teasing, really.  The things I say and do to myself are outright cruel.  I'd never let anyone talk that way to someone I love.  I don't know why I tolerate it from myself.

There are times when he tries to push a button on me, turn on the radio perhaps... and I either can't or simply won't.  And he'll pull over and rip out the stereo and fuck with it until it does what it wants.  ... That can be painful, sometimes.  Especially if it was something I felt fell into the "can't" category.  It's genuinely difficult to want to do something and to find myself incapable - I hate to disappoint him.  Maybe after that the check engine light pops on, or a SMOG test gets failed... I'm tired.  I don't feel like it, and my fucking intake manifold is leaking (yet AGAIN, he would say).  It hurts when one failing has a domino effect like that.  Sometimes I want to say "It's not my fault!  You're the one who didn't change the oil for 12 months" or "You're the one who let the battery cables corrode".

...Is there truth in that?  I find myself back and forth on this issue.  A lot.  I'd like to say that a slave needs to be able to manage hirself (for those unfamiliar, "hir" is a gender neutral combo of "him" and "her" as I am too lazy to write both) and that there must be some things a slave can be held accountable for in their behavior or self-regulation.  But I often wonder how true that is if a slave has given over themselves entirely to a master.  How much agency can you really have at the end of the day?  This argument has negative aspect of placing all the responsibility on the master and, therefore, one risks blaming the master for any issues that arise.  Any.  Which is why, again, I'd like to say a slave has to be responsible for something at some point... but really - how true is that?

I usually just blame myself for it.  I have short comings.  I can't be perfect, I am human after al-... or does a slave give up the right to personhood by definition as well?  I honestly don't know.  Some would claim that, others wouldn't.  I'd like to say that I'm still human - but others would say that makes me "untwue". I don't really care about those so much.  But I catch myself wondering about this problem too.

There isn't.. any particular thing that got me thinking about all this.  I'm not in crisis nor am I currently struggling *knocks on wood*.  I just get to thinking sometimes and things like this come out.  I'm sorry this metaphor is so long, winding, and poorly put together.

There is... one more thing though.

That car tries hard.  Pushing 900 miles in day.  Driving quite solidly even when something is leaking or not operating as it should.  It fucking tries.  And so do I.  Maybe that's all that matters at the end of the day.  I would like to think so.  I do believe that short comings, imperfections, all of those things that make us want to spit acid at ourselves... don't matter.  What does matter is the effort and loyalty that goes in.  I don't care if my oil never gets changed... I might not like it, but I'll damn well do my best to start up and take him wherever he might need or want to go.

The nagging fear I have is that one day he'll toss me away like he'll have to eventually toss that car.  I know he won't, he has reassured me as much... but sometimes I can't help but wonder if he'll tire of having to maintain me, bothersome as I can occasionally be.  He has no attachment to his car that I'm really aware of (I think I "care" more about it than he does, in that sense) but he is attached to me... Right?  At any rate, I'll work to both live up to and do better than that old Mustang.

Pile of crap as you may be, car... thanks for giving me inspiration.

*~zelda...

P.S. - On an unrelated note, I have ALWAYS anthropomorphized cars.  Even before I saw this film as a kid (this song is still awesome lol):



Random youtube comment: "I watched this as a kid and it disturbed me. i didn't realize till later that the real world actually treats people like this."  Something extra to ponder, I suppose...

Moar Safeword Chatter

So, I read this post by lil earlier this morning (which lol-ariously, was inspired by this post at Finding my Submission... I'm sensing an INSPIRATION CHAIN) which started me thinking on the old safeword subject.  Because you know... we haven't already beaten this little piece of theory to death or anything.

I had a safeword, way back in the beginning.  Before we had taken the plunge into any kind of power dynamic.  There wasn't any M/s, maybe the buddings of D/s.. but mostly just a man who wanted to smack his woman and a woman who thought that sounded like a dandy idea. :P  So there was that safeword.  In the initial stages, I wasn't actually pushed to the point of even thinking about the safeword.  By the time it was something that might be.. relevant? the option had already disappeared.  We've never formally spoken about its disappearance... but I know the option is long gone at this point.

And honestly, I don't know what I think about that.  I don't criticize those who use them and I don't criticize those who don't.  I've long since stopped being concerned about the way other people go about practicing their kinks.  It is what it is.  But I can be concerned about the way I practice (or rather, the way I am made to practice) ... right?  I just wonder about it sometimes, I suppose.

Master is pretty good at reading me when he's hurting me.. which is sort of weird, because in general, he's pretty terrible at reading my mind (I love you! <.< It's okay that you aren't psychic).  Maybe he's just better at reading my body, because I seem to be pretty good at giving physical cues.  But sometimes, I think the need for him to be alert and reading me prevents him from fully enjoying himself.  On some level, he still seems to be concerned about totally letting go and just relishing in my position as an object.  Maybe it's because he isn't as sadistic as he thinks he is.  Maybe it's because he's afraid he won't be able to turn it off again.  Maybe it's because he loves me.  Probably all of those things, and more.

So sometimes, I feel like our lack of a safeword can be a detriment to him because he seems to be that much more focused on keeping me safe.  But on the other hand, I think if he did let himself go fully... the safeword wouldn't matter anyway.  It would be met with "lawl, that's cute. no." and onward we'd be marching...

Now, some might argue that a top/master/dom/whatever isn't supposed to fully let go.  That it is their job to keep themselves controlled and in check.  Yet, part of me wants him to feel like he can do that do me. As sick as it is, I want him to know how badly he could hurt me... what he could do to me... and that I would still love him all the same.  But to be honest, there is a part of me that fears him uncontrolled.

I've had tastes of it before.

And to be honest...? It does scare me.  I maybe shouldn't say that where he'll read it (Hi zelda, TOO LATE!).  It's something I want to experience, yet, like him, I'm afraid it won't be able to turn off again.  I didn't used to worry about it, but I worry about it because HE worries about it.  I trust him, but it sometimes seems like he doesn't trust himself.. that can be confusing for a slave.

Maybe this post is less about safewords than I thought.  But it still got me wondering if we'll ever take that plunge into the wild blue...

*~zelda...

Like a Slap in the Face

This post isn't about BDSM or even my relationship.  If the idea of this bores you, I won't be offended if you leave.

It's just after 8AM as I write this and I am already having a shitty day.  This is exactly the opposite of what I (WE) needed.  Someone who I considered a friend... a trusted friend... gave Master and I a total slap in the face today.  More Master than me, really.. but I could stand what was being said to him in such a disrespectful manner.  I'm sure some of you will say it is not a slave's place to defend her Master.  It probably is it.

But I don't give a fuck.  No one talks like that to the people who I care about.  It was a total tear down, an attack on character, and an attack on his worth.  I have not been this angry with someone I considered close in years and I don't know what to do.  Master hasn't yet seen what I said to this person (it all took place on a private forum, if you're wondering).  In fact, right now, Master is at work and doesn't even know what this person said.  He might be angry when he sees that I took it upon myself to reply.  I wouldn't care.

I know this probably sounds like internet drama, but we communicate with this fellow (and a few others) online because they live in different countries on the other end of the world.  They've been good to us.  This man, in particular, was good to us.  But this was just a slap in the face, as if from no where.  I couldn't hold it back.  I am the type of person who will take all the shit in the world if you need me to, but DON'T expect me to let you sit there and tear apart my friends or my loved ones without me getting medieval on your ass.  I have no room in my life for people like that and my friends (and certainly Master) do NOT deserve that kind of treatment.

Right now, I don't care that this reflects badly on me as a slave.  I might even get a punishment.  I'm actually not sure on what Master's policy on this is because we've never been in this situation before.  But right now?  I feel it's worth it to stand up for something I believe in.  To stand up for a project and an effort that I believe in.   To stand up for a man who I believe in.  It makes me sick and just ANGRY thinking about what this person said.  I don't think I've ever cried in anger, but I did today.  It was probably a combination of sudden rage coupled with helplessness because this person is too far away for me to tear down in person.

I may be in shit for this later.  But again... right now, it's worth it damnit.

*~zelda...

The Lesser Being

Opening note: I'm doing fine and everything I'm babbling about here has been resolved, but I wanted to get the thoughts out.  This post is probably more disjointed than usual.

I hate Freud.  Let me just toss that out there.  He's full of shit and... I just deleted a bunch of junk here.  Now isn't the time or place.  Suffice it to say that I do not buy into any of Freud's Fraud's bullshit.  That said, Master had a bit of a freudian slip last night.  We were bantering a bit about gender, power dynamics, social schemas, etc. when this little bomb drops out of his mouth:

"Well, as you're in the lesser role- I MEAN SUBMISSIVE..."

Now, some of you are going to laugh at me and chuckle about how un-twue I am.  That's fine.  I never claimed to be twue or perfect or a role model.  I've said repeatedly: submission is not in my nature.

But that little "slip" felt like a slap to the face.  Strangely, he retracted it almost immediately, saying that it wasn't the right word, wasn't what he was trying to convey.  But still... lesser.

It shouldn't bother me, right?  I'm a slave, that's what some (most?) would say we are.  However, it seems to rub Master's philosophies the wrong way for whatever reason.  He claims that he doesn't, and wouldn't want to, think of me as being any less valuable or less of a human being than he is.  He's even said he thinks of me as an equal... but how?  It's lost on me too.  It's true for me too though - regardless of what people say, I do not believe that Master is inherently "better" than I am just because he is an owner and I am property.

There are many things he is better at/with than I am.  Computer science is his expertise, I will never match him there.  He is a patient man, much more than I.  He has great self-control, which I only have in certain contexts.  He is (and likely always will be) stronger and faster than I am.

There are more, of course.  Those are just the ones that strike my fancy at the moment.  However.... he isn't inherently better than I am because of those things.  Nor is he inherently better than I am because he owns me.  I don't think his will is any stronger than mine.  The reason our dynamic works is not that he has more mental strength than I do, but rather that I am more willing to bend.  I see nothing wrong with this.  Can he force me to do something I really don't want to do? Yes.  Because eventually, I'll agree to do it.  I don't see it as a weakness on my part.  I just prefer pleasing him to getting my way.  And really... what better manipulation tool could you ask for?  It came built into me, too.

Frequently, I fail to understand this notion of "Master knows best".  ... I'm sorry.  No.  They probably do not ALWAYS know best.  They are people too, fellow slaves, subs, and bottoms.  You don't take on a slave and suddenly develop the magical ability to never fail and never be wrong.  They do fail sometimes (just like us).  They are wrong sometimes (just like us).

One aspect of submission that really shows one's colors is being able (and willing) to experience their failures and wrongs with them.  To trust them and go where they lead you, regardless of the fact that they may be incorrect.  This is... a unique and difficult aspect of submission.  Recognizing that one's Master is NOT perfect and that they may not be congenitally "better than you" just because of their status as owner - and following with blind faith anyway.  It is easy to trust a god who will "always know best", "always have his slaves best interest at heart", and "never make a false step".  There are people out there who do think this of their masters.  The difficulty is in trusting another human, even knowing that there will be times that they harm you or lead you astray.

(May I take a moment to note that it is very easy to always have someone's best interest at heart and STILL royally fuck up on the occasion?  It happens, man.)

Anyway, I have never believed that my Master possessed any kind of magical power that domination gave him that I lacked.  Perhaps that is because I am a very dominant individual outside of your relationship.  The whole... "less than" thing is so confusing.  He says he thinks of me as an equal, yet I don't have equal say.  I find it difficult to wrap my head around because logically, "slave" and "equal" just... don't add up.  Or maybe they do.  ...But I'll trust him on it.  Because that's what I'm here for and because I believe in him.

My difficulty in accepting and understanding "lesser" (even though it wasn't what he meant to say, he was very kind about indulging me and allowing me to converse about it) lead to another question from him.  I noted my ongoing struggles with slavery and submission and he essentially asked me: how is this hard?


Another slap to the face, I tell you! >.>  You've been doing this for years, he says.  Why is it still difficult?  And then I was faced with the daunting task of explaining to this man, who had never bent to anyone else's whims but his own, why it was hard.  A part of me got a bit nasty about it.  Knowing that surely this man would utterly fail at submission and how dare he have to audacity to ask me "how it is even difficult".  I really would like to see him try it.  We'd see how "simple" it became then.

In a way, we were both right.  But that's why I put up the bits from "Your Woman" last night.  I often feel like I'm not good enough.  It isn't that I am disobedient, because I am not.  It isn't that he pushes me too hard, because he doesn't.  It isn't that... it isn't anything.  It's honestly just something that will probably remain difficult for me to swallow.  I will keep trying.  I'll never fucking give up.  But just... true acceptance of the concept of slavery is......  It's hard.  It just is.

Your life is not your own.  Your choices aren't yours.  I don't want to liken it to becoming "nothing"... but sometimes it seems that way when you wake up in the morning and realize that even if you are allowed a few freedoms here or there, it's all illusory and those little choices that you take for granted can disappear as quickly as a thought passes through His synapses.  And people ask me why I have difficulty... I don't think anyone has an easy time all the time.  If you say you do, I will say right here and now - I think you are a lying.  Some times are easier than others.  Other times, you... I can't explain it.

I'm sure this is all making me sound ridiculous and like a failure.  I should be able to offer him more.  Part of me does celebrate it, and the majority of the time, I'm very happy.  But it is a truly, truly humbling thing to think about.

And I don't think that most people could deal with having their egos taken away like this as if it were as simple as breathing.  Sometimes in the beginning it seems that way.  It really does.  And sometimes, later on, you look up at the pinprick of light above you and realize how far down into the pit you've fallen.

*~zelda...

The Middle Path - Madhyama Pratipad

Before anyone throws a "ask him" party in the comments section, I HAVE spoken with Master about the following subject.  Also, I may note that this post is not entirely about "play" (I hate calling it that) and it is not entirely about attitude.  Some of both, a bit of neither.  And yes, I am vague and unclear.  Sorry.

It seems that lately he's been shying away from his sadistic tendencies.  I won't lie to any of you - I am not the kind of slave that needs to be CONSTANTLY demeaned and belittled and abused and (etc, you know the drill) in order to be happy.  That might mean that I suck at being a slave and that I'm not "twue" by some standards.  But for me?  In general, when Master is happy, I am happy.  There are times when I want him to grab a fistful of hair and shove my head down onto his cock without warning and he just wants to cuddle.  During those times, we tend to cuddle. :P He gets what he wants.  And I'd be lying if I said I didn't deeply enjoy the attention and the affection.  I'm a cat at heart - I thrive on being petted.

But sometimes, the opposite will happen.  I think there are times when he will want to do something sadistic to or with me, but he.. doesn't.  He won't even mention it.  I think it's a combination of a few things.  One is that the man is exhausted.  Working is hard.  His job is particularly tiring and energy consuming (much more than my own).  As long as he is pleased, I am fine with just letting him flop in bed and rest as much as he wants.  But there is something else that I know prevents him from reveling in his urges.  And that something else is.. well, me.

It is his prerogative to do as he wishes with me.  We both know that.  Yet, for all of his sadistic tendencies, Master is strangely.... considerate.  (Which is SOOO not like him!  He was not this way when I met him and he is not this way with anyone else.  Geez, poor me, with this thoughtful, loving man. :/ I know, I know - cry more, zelda. lol)  If he senses that I'm not up for that kind of activity, he won't push it.  But what perturbs me is that it isn't necessarily "oh, slave is in a fragile state and is clearly upset/sick/whatever.  I won't push her right now".  Sometimes, he'll just.... assume that I'm opposed to it without ever bringing it up.  Now, there are time when I'm like "No!  Dun wanna!" but... he can make me?  And even if it's not something *I'm* craving, there are still many times when I'd like him do whatever he wants.  After all, what choice do I have?  He's stronger than I am anyway.

I think sometimes that Master is afraid of letting his sadistic side run completely wild.  He seems to be under the impression that he'll stop... caring about me or loving me.  I don't believe that.  I trust him to know himself and to know when he is in a place he doesn't want to be.  And yet, I also know how fucking difficult that kind of thing can be.  I don't mean to portray him weak or lacking self-control.  That isn't at all what I am saying.  But it's as if he doubts his ability to indulge his darker side without losing hold of the reigns.  There are reasons for these thoughts, but I don't want to go into them because... well, they aren't mine to talk about.

One of my slave-idols, a lovely woman named mouse, recently noted on her blog that her dominant/master decided to withdraw sadism from their relationship entirely.  I won't detail the reasons here (again, it is not my place to talk about other people's business but I do HIGHLY encourage you to check out her blog.  Our relationships/philosophies do differ in places, but I always enjoy her writing).  But when I read the posts about that some months ago, it made me wonder if my master had similar concerns about himself.

I spoke with Master about this.  Honestly, I think he worries about making me unhappy the most.  Which makes me feel... well, it makes me feel bad.  It's as if I haven't performed to par, like I haven't given him a reason to believe that I can be everything he wants me to be.

...And really, that's what I want.  I want to be what he wants me to be.  I know I'll never be perfect (and that's hurtful and hard to think about, really) but I can't help but want to give it my best.  I know he doesn't want to risk crushing me because he has already put a lot of effort into building me up.  And yet.... I dunno, I feel like I'll never be good enough.  It's as if I either end up having not enough self-value for his liking or I have enough, but I'm still too brittle to bend.

I think we both need to find the middle path.  It's something to think about for the both of us.  I want to at least be given the CHANCE to take whatever he wants to dish out.

*~zelda...

(image source/credit)

Happy Birthday, Master

Oh, and by the way love?  Happy Birthday. <3  I hope you enjoyed today.  I tried my best to make you happy.  And I am very, very happy that you were born.

*~zelda...

First post : several long (yet still inadequate) stories

*Cracks knuckles* Well, I guess I should start now. I've pondered various forms of introductions and ways to explain my situation, but I've decided that it's irrelevant and that if people have questions, they can comment and ask me. I'll answer whatever questions Master allows me to answer. I may add to this post later, but for the sake of getting what needs to be done out of the way, I'll begin with the prompt(s) Master gave me.

I'll start with trying to explain what He... is to me and what he means to me. It's cliche, but He means the world. I'm meaningless without him. He is my motivation for everything I do. I would not be able to deal with the pressures I face on a daily basis without Him standing behind me and supporting me. There would simply be no motivation, no reason, to put up with it all everyday.

Beyond that, He's also a gigantic support beam that lifts me up when I can't carry myself. He's the only person I feel comfortable crying in front of (not that I would have a choice about it if I were 'uncomfortable' doing so, but you get the idea). He holds me when I cry, even if I think I don't want to be held, and honestly that means the world to me. Before I knew Him, I never cried in front of other people.. so how could anyone hold me? He's there for me when no one else will even look at me.

He opened me sexually, when before I was quite closed off - even to myself. There was no need and no desire before Him... Now my sexuality is a part of me and it's a part that I cherish because it allows me to serve my Master and to be closer to Him. Sometimes words aren't enough to express the kind of closeness you have.

Master also just lays with me sometimes... laying together in bed watching TV or working on the computer. He loves and accepts me for who I am (not despite of my flaws, but because of my flaws I think). That is far more than anyone else has ever done for me. It's irreplaceable and I think I would break without it.... there would be nothing left. He is so much a part of who I am now that I would not be myself without His presence in my life. And I thank God for that presence. Master can even make me feel beautiful.

That is the abridged version.... The next part of the assignment is supposed to fixate on how I "feel" being his slave/submissive/I hate labels and struggle with them, whatever - I'm sorry. >_>;;

Anyway, my feelings about servitude and submission are kind of complicated. Almost since the inception of my relationship with Master (5 years since last Saturday!!! Amazing!) it was something that I felt I wanted. We settled into it comfortably. Yet, despite it being something that I wanted (and something that I still do want)... I struggled with it greatly. I want(ed) to be perfect. To be exactly what He wanted in every way, to never step out of line. To sense His needs precisely. But I am so.... nya, what's the word... bull-headed will suffice, I suppose. I am intelligent and strong and pushy and in life, I can get anything I want. I can do anything. (Or at least, I could if it were my choice anymore) I had to be this way... I had to be like that just to survive what life put me through. It is part of why Master loves me... He has stated on numerous occasions that He enjoys my spirit, my fire... He also enjoys the challenge of over-powering it. For a long time, I struggled with the balance - how to be the perfect slave without abandoning and losing the qualities that made me myself, the qualities that draw Master to me, the reasons why He loves me. It was hard. I am getting better at it (I think).

I can't remember the last time I was punished for disobeying him. It used to happen a lot because of my need to be bitchy, to start fights, to instigate (why? No reason, really.. that's a whole separate story), etc. I have calmed down and become more serene in my position than when things first began. I used to think that being told I needed to "excercise and take care of myself" meant that Master would not love me if I gained weight or whatever... I realize that it is because He wants me to be healthy (and what good am I to anybody if I'm sick, really). But my insecurities sometimes warp things into what they are not. I struggle with this deeply still.

But I love to serve Him. It's a treat to do something, anything, for him. There are conventional things that Master prefers to do Himself that maybe some other Doms might not (Master likes very much to be independent, as I do... IRONY!!!). But anything that He would like me to do, I will do it.

I am looking forward to pushing more of my limits with Master. In that, I mean I look forward to testing my pain tolerance and I look forward to the rare days when we both have the time (and energy!) to do nothing but play all day. I believe Master already knows this, but I enjoy being tested and pressed. I enjoy being humbled. I enjoy being His.

I love when Master makes me feel like an object. Worthless, only of value because He has deemed it so. I love it when He is cruel and when my cries of pain mean nothing to him. I love it when he makes me beg for it (for release, to service him sexually, or anything else). But I also love knowing that I am loved and treasured as His and His alone (even if it there are times when maybe it might not feel that way). Master is perfect for me. I strive to be perfect for him too.

Again, this is the abridged version. In essence, I love being his servant and I'm excited for the future we have together in this regard and others.

I think that's all for now... maybe.

*~zelda...