Merry Christmas, Happy New Year - I'm Not Dead!

You guys didn't tell me that working full time was going to cut into my blogging abilities so much.  Geez... :P

Master moved back in with me at the end of September.  We're now both located in Los Angeles.  We still have no friends because we're anti-social.  For some reason, I can't seem to find any local munches.  I know they're out there - it's LA, there have to be a few others like us somewhere!  We're also just low on time, though.  His work has him on a shitty schedule where we only have 1 day off together (he works Saturdays and has Monday off).  His job is also very far and the commute home is a huge time sink for him.

By the time he's home, I don't want to share him by going out and meeting other people.  Because I am a selfish bitch - what can I say?

I'm sorry for being hidden for so long.  It's just... taken such a long time to get settled, it seems.

I hope every had an awesome Christmas or Hanukkah or Solstice or whatever holiday you may celebrate this time of year.  Here is to an awesome new year in 2013!

I've had some personal drama lately.  A friend got married and that has resulted in some hurt feelings on my end.  Not *because* she got married, it was just the situation brought up a bunch of drama and I wound up on the butt end of it I guess.  Which is too bad - she's my oldest friend and is really more like the sister I never had.  I haven't spoken to her since, but she hasn't reached out to me either.  I can't blame her, though - I don't even think she realizes I'm upset.  But I just don't want to mend it right now, I don't have the energy.

Yet another lack of BDSM in a post *le sigh*.  Anyone catch the premiere of Wives with Beehives last night...?  It reminded me a lot of BDSM-type "lifestyles".  I wonder how the "Vintage lifestyle" would feel about the comparison?  I know a lot of people incorporate both styles into how they live.  The show is kind of typical TLC junk - it's edited to make the women look like bitches when they're probably relatively reasonable.  But it did get me wondering about that sort of lifestyle.  It's very different from my own.  I'll be frank - the 1950s scare the shit out of me.  But there are a lot of similarities there too.  It's interesting to think about.

Anyway, hopefully you'll be seeing more of me in the future!

*~zelda...

So Which Is Better?

Which is preferable?

A - A dog tied to a tree or post in the yard.  He doesn't pull against his leash, but you know that if you just let him run around on his own, he'd be gone down the street in a moment.  He's a great dog, but you can't trust him to control himself and be responsible about his territory.  You wouldn't want him to get into shit by digging through the neighbors trash or, God forbid, hurt himself somehow by running around.  So restrained he stays.  You also need to dole out his food to him in rations and ensure he's drinking enough.  He always eats what he's served, but you are fairly sure that if his meals weren't scheduled, he would either over or under eat.  So you continue to portion his food for him.

B - Different dog.  This one can be off of his leash at all times.  You give him more freedom, he has the ability to act independently, but he makes the conscious choice to obey and stay within the yard - no matter how tempting it is to chase a car, play with the kids, or go after a squirrel.  You feel comfortable letting him outside and allowing him to do whatever he is supposed to be doing unsupervised - trusting that he will take care of himself without going against the rules he has been trained to follow.  You can leave food and water out for him freely, knowing that he will take what he needs neither too often nor not often enough.  This dog can be trusted because of the work you've put in with him.

I don't know if there is really a "right answer" here.  I know which one I would prefer as an owner.  I also know which category I'd probably fall into (although I'm not sure what Master thinks).  But think of A and B as slaves.  Which is "deeper" in slavery?

It's kind of a confusing theoretical question, at least to me.  B seems like a counter intuitive choice because this individual is given MORE freedom.  They are given choices.  They can CHOOSE to obey or not... but they (almost) always choose to obey.  But some would say that having self control - or ANY control - runs perpendicular to the idea of slavery and that a "slave" given control and volition is not really a slave at all.

Alternatively, A needs to be told what to do.  A will (almost) always do what they're told to do, but they still need to be told.   That has the disadvantage of being time consuming and potentially frustrating.  A has no control over his or her self.  For an owner (master, dom, whatever) that likes to micromanage, this could be a better ideal anyway.  But this individual has not learned to obey.  As such, they are not allowed options.

So I'll bring it back to the audience.  Again, I have an opinion.  Maybe my bias showed through in my writing.  But I'm not REALLY sure.  What do you think?  Which is "more" slave-like?  Or is there an answer at all...?

*~zelda...

First post : several long (yet still inadequate) stories

*Cracks knuckles* Well, I guess I should start now. I've pondered various forms of introductions and ways to explain my situation, but I've decided that it's irrelevant and that if people have questions, they can comment and ask me. I'll answer whatever questions Master allows me to answer. I may add to this post later, but for the sake of getting what needs to be done out of the way, I'll begin with the prompt(s) Master gave me.

I'll start with trying to explain what He... is to me and what he means to me. It's cliche, but He means the world. I'm meaningless without him. He is my motivation for everything I do. I would not be able to deal with the pressures I face on a daily basis without Him standing behind me and supporting me. There would simply be no motivation, no reason, to put up with it all everyday.

Beyond that, He's also a gigantic support beam that lifts me up when I can't carry myself. He's the only person I feel comfortable crying in front of (not that I would have a choice about it if I were 'uncomfortable' doing so, but you get the idea). He holds me when I cry, even if I think I don't want to be held, and honestly that means the world to me. Before I knew Him, I never cried in front of other people.. so how could anyone hold me? He's there for me when no one else will even look at me.

He opened me sexually, when before I was quite closed off - even to myself. There was no need and no desire before Him... Now my sexuality is a part of me and it's a part that I cherish because it allows me to serve my Master and to be closer to Him. Sometimes words aren't enough to express the kind of closeness you have.

Master also just lays with me sometimes... laying together in bed watching TV or working on the computer. He loves and accepts me for who I am (not despite of my flaws, but because of my flaws I think). That is far more than anyone else has ever done for me. It's irreplaceable and I think I would break without it.... there would be nothing left. He is so much a part of who I am now that I would not be myself without His presence in my life. And I thank God for that presence. Master can even make me feel beautiful.

That is the abridged version.... The next part of the assignment is supposed to fixate on how I "feel" being his slave/submissive/I hate labels and struggle with them, whatever - I'm sorry. >_>;;

Anyway, my feelings about servitude and submission are kind of complicated. Almost since the inception of my relationship with Master (5 years since last Saturday!!! Amazing!) it was something that I felt I wanted. We settled into it comfortably. Yet, despite it being something that I wanted (and something that I still do want)... I struggled with it greatly. I want(ed) to be perfect. To be exactly what He wanted in every way, to never step out of line. To sense His needs precisely. But I am so.... nya, what's the word... bull-headed will suffice, I suppose. I am intelligent and strong and pushy and in life, I can get anything I want. I can do anything. (Or at least, I could if it were my choice anymore) I had to be this way... I had to be like that just to survive what life put me through. It is part of why Master loves me... He has stated on numerous occasions that He enjoys my spirit, my fire... He also enjoys the challenge of over-powering it. For a long time, I struggled with the balance - how to be the perfect slave without abandoning and losing the qualities that made me myself, the qualities that draw Master to me, the reasons why He loves me. It was hard. I am getting better at it (I think).

I can't remember the last time I was punished for disobeying him. It used to happen a lot because of my need to be bitchy, to start fights, to instigate (why? No reason, really.. that's a whole separate story), etc. I have calmed down and become more serene in my position than when things first began. I used to think that being told I needed to "excercise and take care of myself" meant that Master would not love me if I gained weight or whatever... I realize that it is because He wants me to be healthy (and what good am I to anybody if I'm sick, really). But my insecurities sometimes warp things into what they are not. I struggle with this deeply still.

But I love to serve Him. It's a treat to do something, anything, for him. There are conventional things that Master prefers to do Himself that maybe some other Doms might not (Master likes very much to be independent, as I do... IRONY!!!). But anything that He would like me to do, I will do it.

I am looking forward to pushing more of my limits with Master. In that, I mean I look forward to testing my pain tolerance and I look forward to the rare days when we both have the time (and energy!) to do nothing but play all day. I believe Master already knows this, but I enjoy being tested and pressed. I enjoy being humbled. I enjoy being His.

I love when Master makes me feel like an object. Worthless, only of value because He has deemed it so. I love it when He is cruel and when my cries of pain mean nothing to him. I love it when he makes me beg for it (for release, to service him sexually, or anything else). But I also love knowing that I am loved and treasured as His and His alone (even if it there are times when maybe it might not feel that way). Master is perfect for me. I strive to be perfect for him too.

Again, this is the abridged version. In essence, I love being his servant and I'm excited for the future we have together in this regard and others.

I think that's all for now... maybe.

*~zelda...