What do you get...?

What do you get the man to whom you've already given everything?

I'm struggling with this question.  You see, our 7 year anniversary is less than a month away.  He'll have work "day of", but the day before is free for both of us as of now...  I'm pondering what to get him, what to do for that day.. he may have ideas of his own, but I'd like to offer up something in case he doesn't.  Our budget is quite limited, which makes things a little harder - but you really don't need money to give a good gift or to have a good day.

Any suggestions? xD  Not that I'll steal your ideas out-right (he'd know if I did, wouldn't he?), but I'll take a bit of inspiration if you've got it. Hehe...

*~zelda...

When I Say "Us", I Mean "Him"...

Well, not only am I late, but I'm lacking in material I'm afraid.  Master and I had our anniversary this past Sunday (October 17), which was very nice for the both of us.  Strangely, I was made to try wax play for the first time.  I know that seems like a weird thing to have not done for so many years (especially given all our other strangeness), but things happen when they happen I suppose.  I did enjoy it, though it took some getting used to.  It's a different sensation than the usual type of play Master and I do... it didn't hurt quite so badly as some other things, but it hurt differently and burning/hot shit scares me.  My skin burns easily, I've had bad experiences with being burned... so the idea always scared me.  But he wanted to, so I let him.  He even tried it on himself first, which I thought was really endearing.  He didn't have to, of course.. but I did appreciate it, even knowing that his skin is tougher than mine is.  I liked it.  I want to do it again... I always love when he makes me try new things, even if I'm opposed to the idea at onset.  Sometimes you really don't know what you like until you give it a shot.

Ah, now onto other things I suppose.  Sorry for the lack of a long, slow, sensual description of our exploits but... after all, anniversaries are private affairs, ne? :P Anyway, the post I keep wanting to put up (but procrastinating) is sort of a ramble about... well, why did I agree to being a slave?  Why/how did I choose this?  It's a complicated rant (which is why I keep putting it off), so maybe I'll just go for an abridged version for now...

I wasn't born a submissive.  The idea of submission used to make my stomach turn and sometimes, it still does.  I am a dominant person.  I take shit from no one, I lead, I'm assertive, and if you get in my way - so help you.  Some people claim to be "natural submissives" or slaves or whatever.... not me.  I was not born to serve.  I am a very compassionate person, and I like to see people happy... but I'm just not a person with natural submissive tendencies.

Master thinks I am.  Maybe I am.  It's confusing, because I don't think he implanted this into me.  It does seem that he's uncovered something that was already there, but it was far below the surface.  Sometimes it still is.  I still have days where I'll think "Fuck this.  Fuck you.  I'm not doing this, I don't have to." and I fight it, and I fight him.... and he's still there and somehow I'm still listening to him, if not without difficulty.  Those days are much fewer and farther between than they used to be, but they still happened. It was hard for me to get where I am today, and I don't even think I've made much progress.  He thinks I have, I suppose that's all that matters.  But he doesn't know how fucking hard it was for me.  How much I had to work, claw, scratch, sweat, bleed......... It goes so far against my natural grain. So why do I want it?

I have no God damned idea.  I know it makes me happier than anything else does.  It makes him happy too, which can only make me happier.  I have no idea why though.  I used to fight with it.  A lot.  I felt that it went against everything I am, everything I stand for.  I felt like I was losing myself in him.  Sometimes I think I did lose myself in him... I used to be so independent, now I feel co-dependent and pathetic on the occasion.  He's enveloped all my other desires.  I feel like everything else I do throughout the day when he is at work is just a way to occupy myself until I'm back with him again.  Sometimes, I really do get scared that I'm... not here anymore.  It's not me, it's us.  By us, I mostly mean him.  Anyone who has experienced this... feeling of being subsumed by their Master and tells you it didn't (or doesn't occasionally) scare the hell out of them is full of shit.  Or at least, that's my opinion.

It doesn't hurt.  It's quite pleasant.  He's always there, to lift me, support me, love me.. but still.  No one ever said a good thing couldn't be scary.

*~zelda...

October

*sweeps my last post under the rug* Now that THAT is over with.... *sigh*  Sometimes I make myself insane and I can't stand it.  There was a huge blow-up between Master and I about 2 days after I posted that... we were both hysterical, but I blame myself for starting it.  Yet... in a way, that resolved things.  Maybe sometimes what we need is a good screaming match.  Despite the fact that I have some lingering insecurities over the situation (and in how it was handled by the both of us), I'm also sort of... reassured.  Master saw me in a very dark place.  Perhaps not the darkest I've ever been, but much stranger than what he is used to seeing.... and he's still here.  He still loves me.  I don't know how or why, but there it is.  I'm grateful for that.

On the brighter side of things, it's fucking OCTOBER.  Fall weather is finally settling in and I'm loving it.  The cool air, the leaves, that... "smell" that the air takes on when it's perfectly crisp - even in the mid-afternoon.  It's glorious.  The only problem is that since Daylight Savings Time isn't over yet, Master and I wake up in the dark... but that'll be changed soon enough.  I'm normally a winter person, but this weather is so gorgeous and makes me so happy.  I'm excited for more.

I have a lot going on right now.  Next week will be extremely busy, much more so than this one.  I'm trying to get some of next week's work done now so that I won't be as incredibly busy, but I'm a procrastinator at heart so we'll see how that goes, lol.  Our anniversary is looming and I'm still at a loss as far as gifts go.  I think he is too.  We have a lot of bills coming too, which is making things hard.  I'm thinking we might go giftless at this point. :P Or maybe exchanging "IOUs" to be cashed in when we're less strapped for cash, lol.  What I would REALLY love is impossible because we can't afford it... but I'd love to go out to the coast and stay in a hotel or a little cottage by the beach.  Just for one night, maybe too.  Both of us - all alone - together with the ocean and just far enough away from home to leave those issues behind for a little while...... I would really love that.

Eh... maybe someday, right?  Slaves can dream too, don't tell me we can't. :P

*~zelda...