Running Scared

Something very odd happened to us two nights ago (the night before last).  I don't want to explain the situation entirely.  Doing so would be unfair to those involved (namely, Master and I).  I will try to summarize, but it will be nebulous.  This may make him look bad in the eyes of some - and I will remove or privatize the post should he ask me to.  But is his human and imperfect, which is a very large part of why I love him.  Besides, how strange would it be if I were solely responsible for all of our issues?  As they say - it takes two.

Without too many details: I was "punished".  I was "punished" without warning, out of anger, suddenly, and severely.  I was "punished" without having done anything wrong.

And for the first time in our years together, I really was afraid of him.  I felt betrayed, hurt, and terrified.  If a friend had told me that this happened to her, I would tell her to leave.  Just go.  But all my friends are vanilla.

And besides... it's his prerogative, is it not?  I gave him permission to do what he sees fit with me years ago.  M/s and O/p are rarely so simple as "just leave".  I would never take something like that from anyone...

But I'd take it from him.  The whole thing brought up so many feelings.  Master is not a brute and he is not abusive.  But to err is human, and I suppose that with the nature of our relationship, this sort of thing was bound to happen.  Mostly it's hard because I have no one to talk to about it.  My vanilla friends would see it as abuse if I ever breathed a word and I honestly don't know anyone in the kinky world (which is mostly restricted to the internet for me) that I feel near enough to to confide in.

I didn't know how to feel about being legitimately fearful of him.  I have always been so trusting of him and it was hurtful and frightening to have that taken away so suddenly.  (Am I being dramatic?  I feel like I might be.  I'm sorry, because that isn't my intention).  Some people claim to fear their masters, but I have difficulty putting "fear" and "trust" into the same equation.  He pushes me to face my fears and I have been afraid of various sadistic wants that he has.... but I've never been afraid of him.

I still trust him with everything.  Again, it's expected that he will eventually make errors like I do (although his are fewer and farther between).  Yet... it's hard to explain.

I suppose it was just a reminder that really, I am nothing.  I have no value other than what he places on me.  I have no power other than the power he chooses to grant me (which he can remove at any time).  It was a reminder of how open I really am to him after seeing how something that can happen so fast could totally flip my mental schemas on their heads.  A reminder of how easily he can wound me, physically and emotionally, without even intending to.  Despite knowing all this, having it shoved in my face so suddenly was... painful and scary.

Perhaps a better slave would have welcomed this.  Perhaps a better slave wouldn't have been surprised or upset... But if I am honest with myself, being reminded of my place in such a manner was simply... unpleasant.  Not arousing or comforting as it normally might be.  There was something about the situation and the fear that just made the flood of realizations in the aftershock make me feel disgusted with myself.  Like I was nothing more than some smear of dirt on the sole of a show... pitiable, perhaps.  But utterly insignificant.

This isn't very "true"-slave of me, is it?  No reveling in the wonder of my position.  I guess I don't have a slave heart (is anyone surprised, really?).

I just feel weak.  That's what it really made me feel like...

Weak.

*~zelda...