Merry Christmas, Happy New Year - I'm Not Dead!

You guys didn't tell me that working full time was going to cut into my blogging abilities so much.  Geez... :P

Master moved back in with me at the end of September.  We're now both located in Los Angeles.  We still have no friends because we're anti-social.  For some reason, I can't seem to find any local munches.  I know they're out there - it's LA, there have to be a few others like us somewhere!  We're also just low on time, though.  His work has him on a shitty schedule where we only have 1 day off together (he works Saturdays and has Monday off).  His job is also very far and the commute home is a huge time sink for him.

By the time he's home, I don't want to share him by going out and meeting other people.  Because I am a selfish bitch - what can I say?

I'm sorry for being hidden for so long.  It's just... taken such a long time to get settled, it seems.

I hope every had an awesome Christmas or Hanukkah or Solstice or whatever holiday you may celebrate this time of year.  Here is to an awesome new year in 2013!

I've had some personal drama lately.  A friend got married and that has resulted in some hurt feelings on my end.  Not *because* she got married, it was just the situation brought up a bunch of drama and I wound up on the butt end of it I guess.  Which is too bad - she's my oldest friend and is really more like the sister I never had.  I haven't spoken to her since, but she hasn't reached out to me either.  I can't blame her, though - I don't even think she realizes I'm upset.  But I just don't want to mend it right now, I don't have the energy.

Yet another lack of BDSM in a post *le sigh*.  Anyone catch the premiere of Wives with Beehives last night...?  It reminded me a lot of BDSM-type "lifestyles".  I wonder how the "Vintage lifestyle" would feel about the comparison?  I know a lot of people incorporate both styles into how they live.  The show is kind of typical TLC junk - it's edited to make the women look like bitches when they're probably relatively reasonable.  But it did get me wondering about that sort of lifestyle.  It's very different from my own.  I'll be frank - the 1950s scare the shit out of me.  But there are a lot of similarities there too.  It's interesting to think about.

Anyway, hopefully you'll be seeing more of me in the future!

*~zelda...

I'll Be Seeing Him Again...

Tomorrow.

I'll see Master again tomorrow.  The last time I saw him in the flesh was July 11th.  I'll see him tomorrow evening, Tuesday morning, Tuesday evening, Wednesday morning... and then we'll both be gone.

This distance is so strange after living with him for so many years.  The 24/7 so-called "lifestyle" isn't something you just walk out of.  I feel him around me all the time, in the background, in the distance...

But I miss him so.  It hurts.

If he could just get down here sooner... Just a bit longer, I tell myself.  *Sigh*

I do know this.  Our meeting will be intense and wonderful.

After we part, I will crash.  Hard.

*~zelda...

(Still.. I look forward to it.  How can I not?)

So Which Is Better?

Which is preferable?

A - A dog tied to a tree or post in the yard.  He doesn't pull against his leash, but you know that if you just let him run around on his own, he'd be gone down the street in a moment.  He's a great dog, but you can't trust him to control himself and be responsible about his territory.  You wouldn't want him to get into shit by digging through the neighbors trash or, God forbid, hurt himself somehow by running around.  So restrained he stays.  You also need to dole out his food to him in rations and ensure he's drinking enough.  He always eats what he's served, but you are fairly sure that if his meals weren't scheduled, he would either over or under eat.  So you continue to portion his food for him.

B - Different dog.  This one can be off of his leash at all times.  You give him more freedom, he has the ability to act independently, but he makes the conscious choice to obey and stay within the yard - no matter how tempting it is to chase a car, play with the kids, or go after a squirrel.  You feel comfortable letting him outside and allowing him to do whatever he is supposed to be doing unsupervised - trusting that he will take care of himself without going against the rules he has been trained to follow.  You can leave food and water out for him freely, knowing that he will take what he needs neither too often nor not often enough.  This dog can be trusted because of the work you've put in with him.

I don't know if there is really a "right answer" here.  I know which one I would prefer as an owner.  I also know which category I'd probably fall into (although I'm not sure what Master thinks).  But think of A and B as slaves.  Which is "deeper" in slavery?

It's kind of a confusing theoretical question, at least to me.  B seems like a counter intuitive choice because this individual is given MORE freedom.  They are given choices.  They can CHOOSE to obey or not... but they (almost) always choose to obey.  But some would say that having self control - or ANY control - runs perpendicular to the idea of slavery and that a "slave" given control and volition is not really a slave at all.

Alternatively, A needs to be told what to do.  A will (almost) always do what they're told to do, but they still need to be told.   That has the disadvantage of being time consuming and potentially frustrating.  A has no control over his or her self.  For an owner (master, dom, whatever) that likes to micromanage, this could be a better ideal anyway.  But this individual has not learned to obey.  As such, they are not allowed options.

So I'll bring it back to the audience.  Again, I have an opinion.  Maybe my bias showed through in my writing.  But I'm not REALLY sure.  What do you think?  Which is "more" slave-like?  Or is there an answer at all...?

*~zelda...

Whirlwind

Well, I've been in Los Angeles for about two weeks now.  I won't lie, I'm kind of lonely.  Master is still in Portland (though he is looking for work down here).  I don't really know anyone in this area.

But you know, I rather like it.  I live a mile away from the beach.  My job is going pretty well.  All in all, I'd say I'm happy.  It's odd having to manage the house by myself.  I'm not used to flying this kind of plane solo.  It's not so much difficult as strange (for the most part).

Privately, I'm kind of worried that when Master gets down here I'll be somewhat resistant to his taking charge.  I'm independent by nature and the current situation is fostering those traits in me.  Granted, it is why I'm content and not totally miserable/lost.  But I don't want to have to re-learn to let go.  ...Alright, let's get real, I never REALLY learned to let go.  I'm horrible at it.  Still, I'm afraid of losing what I have learned somehow.  It's tough, having him away.  For a lot of reasons (I'm sure you know or can at least imagine).

I would like to go to a local munch or something, but I am afraid to go without Master.  I don't know anything about the kink community here or which groups might be more or less accepting of a new person in a group.  Any recommendations from any locals...?  I'm definitely a stranger in a strange land at this point.

I'm sorry again for going so long between posts.  But moving.  That shit takes a lot out of you.  I'm actually kind of amazed by how well it went (thanks to some help from my parents, thank God for families that come through in a pinch).  Even so... lonely and maybe just a little bit lost, despite my bravado.

I wish I had more kinky/BDSM-y things to write about, but things being what they are, well... you'll probably be seeing a lot of "theory"/introspective type posts coming in the future.  Bah.

*~zelda...

So Much to Tell You

Seriously you guys.  I have so much shit to tell you.  Most of it is not BDSM related, but I find myself not really minding that for one reason or another.  Anyway, here is the bullet-form version of what's going on:

• I graduated from my undergrad university in May.
• I went to a research conference over this past weekend for about 5 days.  I don't want to say where, but it was a place I'd never been before.  It was wonderful.
• I got hired by a different university.  In Los Angeles, CA.
• I'm moving to LA in two weeks.
• Master will have to stay here for several months because our lease here isn't over (sad face).

So... that's a lot to take in for me.  It all happened really fast.  I just got back in town from that conference yesterday evening.  I'm absolutely PANICKED about packing all of my things and somehow getting this shit down there.  Mind you, Master and I currently live in a studio.  This probably sounds very foolish to people who have moved entire households across the country.  But here are my excuses for panicking, again in bullet-form:

• The last time I moved 1,200 miles everything I was bringing fit in the back of a full-size sedan.
• The last time I moved 2,000+ miles, I had the help of my family and a professional moving company.
• I've never done this before - how do I shot web? (Meme explanation if needed/wanted).

Well, there is all of that.  Now you know what I've been doing and why I've been such an absentee blogger lately.  Any advice from those who are wiser and more experienced out there...?

I'd also be lying if I said the biggest source of my anxiety wasn't about being away from Master for potentially up to 3 months. :/  I know we'll get through it.  I know it will be okay and that he'll be rejoining me eventually.  I know we can do it because we've done it before.  But damn, I don't wanna and I'm scared.  *sigh*

But, at least I have positive things causing my stress, right?  For that, I'm very grateful.  I'm very blessed to have received this opportunity.  It's prestigious, career-related, and will get me into graduate school after 2 years of work.  It doesn't pay a lot, but it's an awesome opportunity that will take me where I need to go.  That's why I can't disregard it out of fear.  I have to do this.  I would be foolish not to.

No one will ever be able to say that I struck out looking. (Explanation of baseball reference for those who want it).

~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~

I briefly want to put a plug in this post towards a cause close to my heart.  Yesterday was PTSD (post-traumatic stress disorder) awareness day.  I want to draw your attention to two awesome organizations:
Battling BARE
Operation: Restored Warrior

Battling BARE is (mostly) comprised of spouses/partners of soldiers and veterans suffering from PTSD.  However, it is also supported by children and general supporters of the troops.  They are very new and here is an article that mentions both organizations.  Both have facebook pages and I know that BB has a blog as well (Restored Warrior might as well, I'm unsure).  You should consider financially supporting operation restored warrior, which is a non-profit dedicated to providing free retreats for vets wtih PTSD to help them discover new ways of coping and finding serenity in their lives.  This is very, very important work.

I know that soldiers aren't the only sufferers of PTSD, but this issue is near and dear to my heart.  I will likely be submitting a photo of myself to BB in honor of my father at some time in the near future.  Thanks for looking and caring, everyone.

*~zelda...

The Point of No Return

I haven't been posting.  You may have noticed, maybe not.  My lack of online presence is, in part, due to a transformation I've been undergoing.  But we, He and I, have evolved in interesting ways over the past two months...

You have come here

in pursuit of your deepest urge,

in pursuit of that wish, which till now,

has been silent.

I have brought you

that our passions may fuse and merge.

In your mind,

you've already succumbed to me,

dropped all defenses,

completely succumbed to me.

Now you are here with me.

No second thoughts.

You've decided.

Past the point of no return.

No backward glances.

The games we've played til now

are at an end.

Past all thought of if or when,

no use resisting.

Abandon thought,

and let the dream descend.

*~zelda...

Friends and Romance

This post is just going to be me whining and angst-ing about other peoples' drama.  This is rare for me to do.  Feel free to ignore it.  But.. I'm writing here because I feel like I've been a bad friend and I need to talk this out somewhere.  They aren't even kinky. :P But I've known them both about ten years now...

I'll call the male of the pair X and the female H.  They're both good people - highly intelligent, driven, successful.  They've been officially "together" since November 2007, between 4 and 5 years now.  That's a while.  They've survived quite a bit together, they went to college in different states but still saw each other almost every weekend (they're on the east coast - the states are small and close together out in the NE :P).  I have a long history with both of these people.

When I first met H, she and I clicked instantly.  We were best friends from the moment we met.  That lasted a long time.  We've grown apart a bit over the years as both of us as quite busy, but I still consider her one of my closest friends.  Our friendship has not been without issue, but that's long forgotten and not relevant anymore.  X and I met at the same time and we were also very fast friends.  We had the same interests, hobbies - we even took music lessons together for a few years (we both played the same instrument).  X and I are similar to the point of romantic incompatibility.  He has always been a wonderful, dependable friend, like a brother to me.

When X and H got together, I was pretty happy for the two of them.  X and I used to carpool to/from high school - we both lived far from school and lived within a mile of one another.  So one day, walking back to my car I said to him "So.. I heard from H that you guys are an item now".  He acknowledged.  I continued on and told him, calmly but seriously, that if he ever hurt her.. I'd have to kill him.  (I'm quite protective of my friends)  He nodded, told me he entirely understood and that he was glad H had friends like me.  We dropped it and went on with our afternoon.

After they were dating for a while, I essentially had to give up X as a friend.  I knew I could still go to him for help if shit hit the fan (which I'd had to do once or twice before), but we couldn't hang out "one on one" anymore.  H got too weird/possessive about it, although there was never any threat to her.  Still, I wanted to respect her and the two of them as a couple.  I saw him in groups.  But a distance was forced between us.  Still, it was good to see them together.  They're a nice couple.

But I have to say... a mutual friend, another girl called J (J, H, and I were a little cluster throughout junior high and high school) as well as another male close to both X and myself (call him S) - the three of us have noted that H has never treated X very well.  X has ALWAYS bent over backwards to give H exactly what she wants, to make sure she is perfectly happy (and this girl is almost never happy with anything).  It's not that H never does anything for him, it's not that she outright doesn't care but... X loves her.  Truly loves her.  I think H cares for X.. but she doesn't really love him.  In fact, she's told me as much.

And now.. she has him waiting on a back burner.  Set to the side, the fire turned off while she deals with a newly heated, spicy, fiery dish.  Apparently she decided she wasn't "taking her own advice" and wants to "play the field while she's still young".  That's not a choice I made, but I understand.  J has yet to really settle into a committed relationship, but here's my issue - H and X HAVE BEEN IN a committed relationship.  And he has killed himself to make her happy.  Years ago, X even told S "You know, if things don't work out with H at this point, I'm okay with being alone for the rest of my life".  Which cut J and I to the core - poor X!  He deserves better than that.  And that was before she decided to put him off to the side to pursue some new sexual interest she's suddenly decided she has.

Where he will wait.  Gladly.  Because he loves her so much that her being happy is more important than her being with him.  ...She couldn't return the favor if it were the other way around, I think.  And I feel angry for him.  I feel hurt for him.

...And I also feel like I've been a really bad friend to him.  Looking back on it, he means just as much to me as H does, yet I never sat down with H and told her "don't you hurt X, God damnit" the way I had done with him.  I willing backed away from him as a friend to keep her happy.  Sure, it was probably the right and respectful thing to do and I'm sure X understood/understand, but A - no one was doing anything wrong to begin with and B - maybe I should have tried to be a better friend at a distance...

I don't know.  I know it obviously isn't my fault and that - at the end of the day - it's none of my fucking business if he wants to be her doormat.  They're both adults.  They're both intelligent.  I still can't help but feel that I've failed him, somehow.  I'd like to reach out to him now but.. what the hell do you say? "Hey man, heard you're being a tool - how's that going?"  Obviously not... *sigh*  The whole thing just bothers me and I'm upset for him.  I wish I could do something for him, but I don't know what, if anything, is appropriate.  I also don't know how flagrantly disapproving to be with H in regard to her actions.

Sorry this is whiny, irrelevant, and stupid.  I just... hope X ends up alright.  Maybe he'll end up finding something better and it'll work out in his favor.  But still.. I feel badly for him.  And I feel stuck in the middle.

*~zelda...

On My Knees

I think I've exhausted myself.  Maybe Master too.  There has been a lot of sex going on in our house.  A lot.  He's also turned up the heat a bit in terms of his domineering attitude.  I'm fine with this.  In fact, I love it.  It's kind of rare to see him in his element these days - things pile up: work, no car, sickness, etc.  Our whole relationship has been pretty light on the BDSM for the past.. year.  It didn't seem that long to me, but I looked back over my blog and found that it has indeed been kind of a long time.  After the struggling I went through a few weeks ago, this feels like coming home.  Like air after being under water for too many minutes.  I'm enraptured.

Naturally I love him no matter what is going on.  Part of being a slave is accepting that his needs come before my own.  He always takes very good care of me and ensure that I am generally content - but I can't force him into uber-Dominant mode whenever I feel like I need someone else to take the reigns.  Sometimes I ask if I find myself particularly desperate, but it's not the same when I have to request it.  He doesn't typically indulge those requests anyway.  ..I dunno, I don't mean to make the man sound lazy or vanilla.  Truth this, things have been out of sorts for a long time.  Mostly financially and that bothers him a lot more than it bothers me (call me naive, I'm just glad we have a roof over our heads and food in the fridge).  But the reality is that what he needs (support, R&R, a solid SiC by his side) are what I have to give him.

It's tough, though.  I think that's what results in the discord I feel inside sometimes.  I have to be mentally alert, agile, ready to contribute, helping carry my share of the weight.  But I find it difficult to give advice to someone and submit to them in the same breath if that makes sense.  It's easier if he's fully in control of the situation.  Of course it is.  Unfortunately, no one is going to be 100% in control of everything all the time.  That's why people have servants or "help" as we used to call them - sometimes you need someone else to do some shit for you.  I think I'm rambling and I've stopped making sense.  The point is, I think we're getting back on our feet.  Or at least, he's getting back on his feet and I've got to get back on my knees.  And I like the view from down here very much.

I'm totally, totally exhausted though... *curls up on the couch*  I may have a nap right now if I can get my brain to shut up for long enough.  He's still at work and I've got several hours before he's home and we start dinner (I know, I'm the worst - I rarely cook alone, usually either he cooks or we cook together.... but he claims to like it.  And I never said I was worth a shit for anything domestic).  Hopefully everyone is enjoying the Monday as much as a Monday can be enjoyed.  I have lots of deadlines coming up over the next few weeks.. wish me luck.

*~zelda...

Challenge

This is unrelated to anything.  I've been hearing this song on the radio, and I really love it.  The male singer sounds like Sting (especially during the chorus).  It's really awesome hearing an 80s voice in modern music (I'm an 80s music junkie).  If you're interested, hit Play while you read the rest. :P



I'm still trying to read that Fifty Shades series.  I'm not sure if I'm just getting used to the shitty writing or if the author improved by the time she rolled around to writing the second book.  Could be some combination of both.  Still, going to press on.  It's tough for my the judge something before getting through the whole thing.  ... That's not to say it hasn't stopped me in the past, but eh - I'm busy as hell and my brain could use something thoughtless to occupy it.  It's like watching daytime television - a reprieve from academia and intellectualism.  I have to confess, though - I've not been converted into an erotica fan. lol  I've also started re-reading a bit of Tess of the d'Urbervilles.  I'm not the biggest fan of 19th century lit, but it is a classic.

(By now you're all probably wondering what kind of literature I *do* like.  I can save that for another post.)

I missed the March Q&A train again.  I forget every year.  I think I did it once, but didn't receive many questions anyway.  Still, I'd like to catch it from the get-go one of these days.  Maybe next year!

I've been pondering Master and my relationship with him a lot recently.  In good ways.  Still, I can't help but self-deprecate so much of the time.  I want to be challenged, but I know that as soon as it gets difficult, I rear up and buck against it all.  It makes me disappointed in myself.  Maybe I'm not trying as hard as I think I am...?  It's hard to say.  I feel like I do fight for it, struggle with myself over it, but try as I might - the whole "total submission" thing eludes me.  He's told me time and time again he doesn't want utter submission.. it would make me dull.  I agree with him - it would make me very dull.  But I need to give him more than what I've been offering recently.

Meh.  It's hard.  You all know that, I'm sure I'm preaching to the choir.  I just think I should have a better grasp on this by now.  Maybe it's because I'm so young.  I guess we'll see as the years unfold further.  Time has been marching on alarmingly fast these past few moons...

*~zelda...

Blue Monday

"How does it feel
to treat me like you do,
when you've laid your hands upon me
and told me who you are?
I thought I was mistaken,
I thought I heard your words...
Tell me how do I feel?
Tell me now, how do I feel?

Those who came before me
lived through their vocations.
From the past until completion,
they'll turn away no more.
And I still find it so hard
to say what I need to say.
But I'm quite sure that you'll tell me
Just how I should feel today..."

First I wanted to thank everyone for the supportive words and love in the comments section after my last post.  I needed it and it was reassuring to hear that I'm not the only one who feels that way on the occasion.  Why is it that we always think we're utterly alone in our struggles?  Maybe it's the masochist in every human that pushes us in that direction... in any event.

Master and I talked about the junk in my last post.  He sort of blamed himself a bit, which kind of made me feel worse.  My goal was not to make him feel badly in anyway - I was angry with myself for my short comings and difficulties.  Still, it was reassuring to know that he thinks I have the potential to let go of myself.  At least that makes one of us, at any rate.  His opinion is what counts here, though.  I try not to undermine it with self-doubt, but it's there.  Swept under the rug, maybe.  But present.  It always is to some degree.

I got punished for the first time years the other day.  I'm sort of reluctant to talk about it (why do I blog when I'm so reticent? I wonder sometimes), mostly because I thought I'd grown beyond the need for that, but I don't exactly know how I feel about it.  The two of us agree that the selected punishment may have been an overreaction.  Not that his choice to punish was an overreaction, but the chosen method.  It was mental and emotional punishment - the hardest kind.  It sucked.  Maybe I learned something from it, though.  Maybe not.  It's still stewing, to be honest.

Switching gears a bit, I really love the song Blue Monday by New Order (lyrics quoted above).  I've found myself listening to it a lot lately.  It's kind of moody and so am I.  Sometimes you hear a song and you have to wonder if the artist was involved in some kind of power exchange.  Maybe I read too much into it.  But it does make me curious.

Another random topic: there's been a lot of banter about this Fifty Shades of Grey novel.  I actually started a discussion group about it on Fet.  Essentially, it's a series of three poorly written romance novels with D/s elements in it.  I've read the first book and some of the second.  My view is biased - I don't like romance novels and I don't like erotica.  It becomes dull after the 4,000th orgasm, gasp, moan, etc.  Still, although I can't say much about the series' contribution to literature, I am curious about all the mainstream media attention this is getting.  I find myself curious about the reactions of vanillas who read it - might some of them enter "our world" as a result of this gateway book?  What is the negative impact this book will have on society's perception of BDSM?  How hard is this going to hit?

I'm a scientist.  I'm curious.  I wanted to chat about it, so I made a group.  I don't think I'd consider myself a fan of the series.  Quite the contrary, it's tough to read sometimes just due to the sheer.. awfulness. xD  But it's INSANELY popular and I am deeply interested in the social/societal impact this may or may not have.  They're even talking movie deals - can you imagine?  Although how they'd make a film out of something so pornographic, I have no idea.  But stranger things have happened.

*~zelda...

No One

I'm starting to come to the realization that I'm never really going to belong to anyone but myself.

Some bullshit to come out of a "slave"'s mouth, ey?

Believe me, I'm aware.  It's just.. it's my fault.  I'm a taxing creature to handle.  Unless what you're asking is something I was planning on doing in the first place, I will fight you tooth and nail every step of the way.  You might get me to do it eventually, but one has to wonder - was it really worth all the effort?  It isn't that I don't want to give myself over completely.  You'd think that after over seven years, this wouldn't be an issue.  But I'm starting to the think that the reality is that I can't let myself go.  I don't think I'm capable.

I'm too sturdy with too much stamina, and too.. incapable.  It doesn't get beaten out of me.  It doesn't get coaxed out.  Behavioral modification doesn't work (you'd be amazed how poorly I respond to reward/punishment contingencies - it's like I'm just not capable of learning).  I fell stuck and useless and sad.  I don't want to be like this... But I don't know any other way to be.

There was a lot of shit in my house growing up.  The figurative, metaphorical type of shit.  Stereotype time - my father was (and still is) an extremely overbearing, domineering, control-freak of a man (I want to be clear, he never physically abused me).  To an extent that I don't think I can explain in words.  I had other friends as a kid with parents that were pretty awful and they'd still leave my house going "holy shit, that man".  People used to be afraid to call my house.  The funny part?  Dad was never rude or temperamental in front of these people.  But somehow, people can sense those things sometimes.  It's like an underground torrent of water.  You can't see it, but you know it's there - eroding some foundation in unseen darkness.

Many people in situations like that turn into perfection seekers.  And I tried that approach for about five minutes as a little child before I realized it was bullshit and would never work.  If I followed every order, request, and demand to the letter, there would always be something wrong.  Why jam myself into an ill-suited mold only to be punished for it anyway?  It became psychological warfare.  Dad is a diagnosed sociopath (Antisocial Personality Disorder, feel free to google).  He is an expert manipulator.  He is extremely intelligent with an IQ of 140, on an off day.  But never bent to that.  I never, never let him get his way with me.

My mother would sometimes acquiesce to him to save herself the trouble.  It wasn't worth the effort to her, and she's a patient woman.  I'm not a patient woman and I had plenty of energy to spare, particularly as a teenager.  I never let him strong arm me into anything and I still refuse to.  It's a giant thorn in his side.  In a way, he shows love with control.  As I've gotten older, he tries a new tactic.  Why won't you let me help you, don't you know I love you? followed by an immediate projectile shot of acid into the face.  He's cruel when he's wounded and doesn't get his way.

But the point is, I survived him and his strangeness by never backing away.  I recognize that I am a contrary person.  If I'm about to go deposit a check and someone tells me "you need to go do that right now" in a manner that implies they are telling me what to do?  Fuck it.  I'll deposit it later - just so that you're aware my actions were not a response to your prompting.  It's not always that extreme... but I get there sometimes.  But that kind of force and the ability to war and battle and scream and dig my heels in is what kept me... me.

I'm afraid to let go of my stubbornness.  It's not that I don't trust Master.  It's not that I think he's at all like my father (if I'm honest, I'm more of a knitpicky control freak than he is).  It's just that I don't know how to be myself without being this way.  I'm scared I'll become some other person, someone that I don't like.  It's like when you're hiking up a steep mountain and the summit is still so far and you're exhausted, but you're afraid to take a break.  You'll lose momentum and you might not be able to start up again.  I'm scared fucking shitless to take that break because I've never truly done it before and I don't know what will happen to me.  What if I get stuck.  What if I never get to the top or worse.. have to turn around and go back down.

At some point I started crying when I was writing the last paragraph or two.  I don't know why.  I just feel like such shit.  It's a conundrum.  I want him to possess and own me, but how can I expect that when I won't give myself up?  I won't let go.  I keep clinging to myself and I won't let him have it all.  Sometimes when I'm restrained and being fucked or flogged I privately nest inside my mind and think with some stupid sense of pride: "He can't get this.  He can't get inside here, no one can" (too many years of psychological warfare have built that fortress strong).  But in reality, that fact really hurts me and it just makes me so sad.  Partly because it isn't what I want and partly because I know it isn't what he wants either.

But nothing works.  Nothing gets me out of my own head.  I'm scared.  I want to make him happy and I feel like I can't.  Part of me is pissed because I know that deep down, he's the same as me.  Stubborn and scared to not be in the lead.  And he wouldn't ever make himself so vulnerable to me, he would never relinquish any aspect of control.  That's the difference between us.  But I want to because I love him and I want to make him happy.  And I do want it for myself but some part of me is dysfunctional, stuck climbing that mountain - too ragged and frantic to ever stop running and climbing.  I don't know how to be still, I only know how to fight and push and push and push.

I'm aware this is not the post of a "true slave".  I am aware of what a joke my identity can be.  I don't care.  It's fine if the internet gets to peek at my insides and maybe feel temporarily superior to me because the collective has never felt any difficulty in giving themselves over - mind, body, and soul.

I'm going to try to be better.  But fuck it just scares the living hell out of me...

*~zelda...

I am going to go finish my cry privately now. I'm fine, I'm just having a moment.  Sorry for being so dramatic, I know I'll look back on this post and cringe.

I'M NOT DEAD, I SWEAR

What a whirlwind this year has become.  I'm not dead.  I'll be back with a real post soon, but I wanted to reassure you all that I haven't gone away.  Wish me luck and strength - I need both!

*~zelda...

On Abuse and Escape

Holy shit, when did it become February?  Oy.  Time flies, I guess.  I haven't been writing much lately because I feel like there isn't much to say.  I have abstract ideas, like I mentioned in my previous post, but I just haven't felt inspired.

Things between Master and I are.. well, in some ways, they're just going too well to have any kind of interesting post content. xD Weird as that sounds.  I just don't think people would be very entertained by me checking in every few days and saying "Yep!  Stiiiiiill awesome!".  Things usually are well between us, but it's more interesting to talk about my internal conflicts or struggles/difficulties... I haven't had those lately.  Perhaps that's because he hasn't asked very much of me lately.  I might be getting lazy because, strangely, I'm okay with that.  Some would say that makes me a bad slave, I think. lol  But that's fine for them.  I need the rest/recuperation and he needs love and support right now.  Part of it, I think, is that he doesn't have the energy to drag me down a hole with him right now.  That's fine.  At least we're both in sync about it.

*Cue unrelated tangent*

... I've been thinking a lot recently about abusive relationships.  Particularly the stereotype of male abusing female, but really there aren't boundaries on this.  Many, many men are the victims of domestic violence perpetrated by women.  There are also same sex couples that take abusive turns.  Sex and gender aren't a huge part of it, but my thoughts have been lingering on the stereotypical "woman trapped with an abusive man" for various personal reasons.

My father is an abusive man.  He's an alcohol and is verbally/emotionally abusive.  My mother still lives with him.  She's a fucking saint, I swear.  I worry about it a lot and, as her child, I don't know what to do for her.  I still have a relationship with him, but it's very strained (all of his relationships are strained).  She rarely complains about him.  When she gets upset, she doesn't "bother" other people with it (it's not a bother, but she'd rather keep it to herself I suppose).  But the other day she called me, hysterical and just.. tired of him and his bullshit.  When she hung up the phone with me, I cried for a long time.  I'm not a crier.  I ran across the street to an apartment belonging to some friends of mine and just cried on their couch while they gaped at me - unsure what to do in the face of the group "rock" so unabashedly weeping.

I just felt helpless and useless and stupid.  She could always live with Master and I, even if we lived in a box.  I'd find a way.  But she doesn't seem to want to.  Despite his antics, she's quite happy where she is.  She has a job she loves.  She has friends she loves.  She doesn't want to pull out of all that.  If she thinks those things are worth his crap, who am I to tell her otherwise?  It has to be her choice, I can't make her leave.  She has to want it.  But I felt guilty and awful at the time.  I felt like a child all over again - helplessly watching another fight playing out.  As I got older, I attempted to intervene.  I can usually get him to back off and apologize. ... But I'm not there anymore.  She wouldn't want me to stay there, but I feel like I abandoned her sometimes.  She doesn't feel that way at all but.. sometimes I do.

In any event, this has had me thinking about my childhood.  Sometimes when I was a kid, I'd wish she was "stronger" - so that we could leave.  Vaguely, in the back of my mind, I resented having to continue to live with this man who was so awful to the both of us and everyone else around him.  He has an ex-wife who had to relocate to escape him and 2 sons (from his previous marriage) that will have nothing to do with him.  Why did they get to leave and I didn't?  Why did I have to stay?  Why did *we* have to stay?  I always thought it was bullshit.  As soon as I found out about them, my child-like brain immediately sensed injustice.  It wasn't fair.

Getting older, though.. I understood better.  It's something that won't make sense unless you've lived it.  Which brings me to the main point of this post  - I can't fucking stand it when your average concerned citizen says "Why don't you just leave?  What is wrong with you?".  Drives. Me. Insane.

It's one thing to offer "you have to consider your children" or "consider your own happiness".  It's another to be a survivor of abuse and come up to someone and tell them "it IS possible, you can do it".  It is something else entirely to be totally ignorant of that situation and go GOD, I DON'T GET IT - WHY ARE THEY SO PATHETIC?  WHY CAN'T THEY JUST WALK AWAY?  It really is just not that fucking simple.  And I have news for you - these women (and men too) are not pathetic.  They are strong people who are surviving a shitstorm the likes of which you can't fathom.

It's not that I think it's wrong to encourage people to get the hell out of there.  Quite the contrary, it's necessary to have support like that.  Other times they just need someone to listen without going OMG IT'S YOUR FAULT FOR STAYING.  But really, I just can't stand the ignorance, naivete, and insulting.  It makes me bristle quite hard to think of people calling anyone - let alone my mother - weak or stupid or accusing them of not caring about their children.

I suppose the point of this is just.. bah.  It's not that easy.  It's hard to get out.  There are cases of people leaving only to have themselves and their children murdered by a stalking ex.  That's the real terror these people face.  Encourage them to leave, offer to help them find resources and make choices.. but please, just... don't call them pathetic.  Or stupid.  Or anything else.  You won't understand unless you've lived it.

I.. I'm sorry, I don't know where this came from.  I hope I haven't offended anyone.  I feel kind of uncomfortable airing something so personal here but.. well, I guess we'll just see how it goes.  I don't need pity or anything but uh.. you know, be kind and all that. :P

*~zelda...

Striiving

Shameless promotion time. xD This is not at all a paid endorsement and I'm not being compensated for this in anyway.  I bought that Striiv pedometer I mentioned in my last post.  I just wanted to say I LOVE this thing.  It's amazing how easily it gets me to push just a little harder and go a bit father during the day - whether I'm just walking around my apartment or if I'm at the gym.  Love, love, love.  If you need help getting motivated to move, get one.  Seriously.  I can't recommend it enough.  I'd been lusting after it for weeks and it has not disappointed.  In fact, I'll probably be heading to the gym once I wrap up this post.

I keep getting pseudo-ideas for posts and then abandoning them.  My brain has been happily humming along at a decent pace, but I'm struggling with sitting down and actually writing for some reason.  That's okay though.  The world will keep on turning. :)  I'm sure you will all survive without my poorly compiled posts.  The two ideas I have floating around are as follows - I'm putting them down here so that I don't forget them entirely.

-Death Note analogy
-"Abuse" misunderstandings (here)
-On the subject of CNC and rape

There.  Now I can't say that I "forgot" them.  Master and I have been doing well overall, except for one thing - the car I mentioned a few posts back..?  It's dead.  It needs repairs we can't afford and it has stopped running.  I feel both depressed and a little overwhelmed about it.  Overwhelmed because holy shit, public transportation is a pain in the ass when you live 20 miles from your job and dear God, how will we ever afford another one (we will NOT take out a loan for a car).  Depressed because.. well, like I said, I was secretly fond of that pile of shit.  It went and quit on me.  Now what?

Other than that, though - it's good.  I lost 4 pounds this week, which I'm very happy about.  I'm down about 14 since December 16th, which is good.  I probably put on 30 while I was sick (I don't know why I gain so much when I'm sick, I just do.  It happens every time).  So I'm well on my way to recovering myself, which is nice.  I plan to try my best to continue exercising more because it seems to help a lot with some heart issues I have and frankly..?  It just makes me feel good.  So as long as there is time for the gym AND the work I have to do, we'll keep it up I guess.  Master has been with my a few times, which is nice too. ^^

Things could be called "mediocre", if only because of the car.  But honestly, compared to some of the shit people are going through?  I'll take it.  I'm glad we're both happy, healthy, and sane.  I still owe you guys pics of my new collars. :P I'll get on it man, I swear.

One of my oldest/closest friends is planning a wedding for only a few months from now.  She's desperate for me to come, but I don't know if I'll be able to with all the deadlines and events I cannot miss in the next few months.  By "cannot miss", I mean that if I don't attend, I will not graduate.  It's tough.  I want to go, but I guess we'll see.  She was supposed to get married a couple of years ago (same guy, btw) but life kind of got in the way and the plans were delayed.  Not to say that I disbelieve their plans xD but you know, sometimes shit comes up.  I just hope I can attend in the end.  Bah.

Sorry for the totally droll, not even remotely kink related update.

*~zelda...

Potential Analogy

Well, I finally got back home last week.  I'd been traveling over the holidays, and Master and I have spent that past week getting.. er, reacquainted? :P I hadn't been gone that long, but I swear - to that man, ten minutes is a long time to go without. lol

Classes start up again next Monday, which I'm not really looking forward to.  The last semester was such shit that I'm kind of reluctant to start the whole thing over again.  Oh well.  It is my last one.  I should enjoy it and appreciate it for what it is.  I don't make a habit of mentioning school much here, but hey - college is part of my life I suppose.

My new collars arrived.  They're from collarfactory.com, mostly for play/decoration purposes.  I really like them, especially the one Master designed for me (the other one is plain black leather, a replacement for my first ever collar that ended up ruined a while back).  I'll have to post pictures soon, I want to share.  I haven't been given an opportunity to wear the custom one out of the house yet (it is white leather with some blue gems, so it doesn't match with *everything* the way the black one usually can), but I'm excited to.

Despite all the lovely sex I've been getting, I don't actually have much to write about at the moment.  There are a few things floating around my head, but none of them are substantial enough to post about thoroughly.  I'm working on getting back into shape after being sick for so long, so I have been drooling over this cute little pedometer that I really don't have the money for.  By walking, you can earn achievements/trophies, power a game inside the unit, and -most importantly for me- your steps can contribute to charities like a mini-walkathon.  But yea, like I said, don't really have the cash on hand. xD But I wants it.

I'm going to be showing off my age (or lack-there-of) again, so don't judge me.  Anyone who reads me ever see Death Note?  I'm not super into anime, and I didn't even see the series until 2011 because popular things kind of turn me off, but I very much like the series and I see a lot of interesting parallels between the main character and the female "love interest" (although, he doesn't.. really love her, but I can explain more later).  I thought about posting about it, but I'm not sure anyone would get the analogy or, you know, care. :P  But we'll see I guess.

Hope everyone else is doing well too.  I'm enjoying these last few peaceful days while I can

*~zelda...

His Car

I was pondering the concepts of property and being property.  At first I was thinking about myself.  Then I started thinking about his car.

I'm debating on going into detail about his car.  I'd love to paint you a perfect picture of it, but I'm always unsure about issues of privacy and identity.  I'll give the details that I can.

It's older, between 15-20 years old or so.  Black.  Mustang.  It was bought used.  It had never been kept inside and the paint job had already gone to shit by the time he bought it.  It has still never been kept inside, or even covered, and the poor thing has a handful of rust spots (although it's doing rather well given the humid northwest climate).  When it was acquired, it had already been in an accident.  The airbags are still missing as he never replaced them.  Master very carefully found new pieces for it - new side fenders, front bumper, among other bits that needed replacing - and repositioned and aligned them by hand soon after the purchase.  I'm sure there is other work he did with it, but I wouldn't know enough to comment on it.  Aside from the missing airbags, you wouldn't know it'd been in a wreck just by looking at it.  Within the last year, someone backed into the left side fender while he was parallel parked.  No note or accountability - just gone.  He hammered it out as best he could with only a crowbar to work with... but it still looks a bit like paper that someone crumpled up and tried to smooth out again.  It needs another side fender.

Inside, it has a few issues too.  The air conditioner is broken and has never worked - not vital for driving and too costly to replace.  The radio has loose wires all over the place that make it mostly unusable.  It decides when the music will stop and start, or if there will be music at all.  The wires around the battery are corroded and wrapped in electrical tape.  The intake manifold on the engine has had to be replaced more than once.  The check engine light clicks on and off occasionally - deciding that it's fixed itself by the time anyone gets out there to check the codes and deciding there is a problem whenever one needs to drive more than 20 miles.  Two doors.  Bucket seats.  It's kind of a nightmare when my back is being unfriendly to me (or when I have cracked ribs :P).

I can't tell if he has any attachment to that car or not, to be totally honest.  He's owned it at least 4 or 5 years.  I tease the poor thing.  I call it a hunk of junk, scrap metal, piece of shit... But the truth is, I really love that car.  When I moved to Oregon for school, he followed me up in that car - he drove 900 miles in that thing in one day just to see me all the sooner.  That thing has done pretty well, especially considering I've only ever seen him change the oil twice (maybe he's done it more without my knowledge, I don't know)... It's given its all.  I'm grateful to it, in all honesty.  And I'll be sad the day is has to go (as all things someday must).

Bringing this back to me - sometimes, I relate to that car.  I've done pretty well for myself too, given the circumstances.  But I'm not perfect.  I don't always run like I'm supposed to.  I'm a little beat up and have some permanent scarring, both inside and out (I don't care to address either variety of scar in this post).  I tease myself too... It's beyond teasing, really.  The things I say and do to myself are outright cruel.  I'd never let anyone talk that way to someone I love.  I don't know why I tolerate it from myself.

There are times when he tries to push a button on me, turn on the radio perhaps... and I either can't or simply won't.  And he'll pull over and rip out the stereo and fuck with it until it does what it wants.  ... That can be painful, sometimes.  Especially if it was something I felt fell into the "can't" category.  It's genuinely difficult to want to do something and to find myself incapable - I hate to disappoint him.  Maybe after that the check engine light pops on, or a SMOG test gets failed... I'm tired.  I don't feel like it, and my fucking intake manifold is leaking (yet AGAIN, he would say).  It hurts when one failing has a domino effect like that.  Sometimes I want to say "It's not my fault!  You're the one who didn't change the oil for 12 months" or "You're the one who let the battery cables corrode".

...Is there truth in that?  I find myself back and forth on this issue.  A lot.  I'd like to say that a slave needs to be able to manage hirself (for those unfamiliar, "hir" is a gender neutral combo of "him" and "her" as I am too lazy to write both) and that there must be some things a slave can be held accountable for in their behavior or self-regulation.  But I often wonder how true that is if a slave has given over themselves entirely to a master.  How much agency can you really have at the end of the day?  This argument has negative aspect of placing all the responsibility on the master and, therefore, one risks blaming the master for any issues that arise.  Any.  Which is why, again, I'd like to say a slave has to be responsible for something at some point... but really - how true is that?

I usually just blame myself for it.  I have short comings.  I can't be perfect, I am human after al-... or does a slave give up the right to personhood by definition as well?  I honestly don't know.  Some would claim that, others wouldn't.  I'd like to say that I'm still human - but others would say that makes me "untwue". I don't really care about those so much.  But I catch myself wondering about this problem too.

There isn't.. any particular thing that got me thinking about all this.  I'm not in crisis nor am I currently struggling *knocks on wood*.  I just get to thinking sometimes and things like this come out.  I'm sorry this metaphor is so long, winding, and poorly put together.

There is... one more thing though.

That car tries hard.  Pushing 900 miles in day.  Driving quite solidly even when something is leaking or not operating as it should.  It fucking tries.  And so do I.  Maybe that's all that matters at the end of the day.  I would like to think so.  I do believe that short comings, imperfections, all of those things that make us want to spit acid at ourselves... don't matter.  What does matter is the effort and loyalty that goes in.  I don't care if my oil never gets changed... I might not like it, but I'll damn well do my best to start up and take him wherever he might need or want to go.

The nagging fear I have is that one day he'll toss me away like he'll have to eventually toss that car.  I know he won't, he has reassured me as much... but sometimes I can't help but wonder if he'll tire of having to maintain me, bothersome as I can occasionally be.  He has no attachment to his car that I'm really aware of (I think I "care" more about it than he does, in that sense) but he is attached to me... Right?  At any rate, I'll work to both live up to and do better than that old Mustang.

Pile of crap as you may be, car... thanks for giving me inspiration.

*~zelda...

P.S. - On an unrelated note, I have ALWAYS anthropomorphized cars.  Even before I saw this film as a kid (this song is still awesome lol):



Random youtube comment: "I watched this as a kid and it disturbed me. i didn't realize till later that the real world actually treats people like this."  Something extra to ponder, I suppose...

A Pseudo Explanation

I suppose I owe everyone an explanation...

I don't want to be detailed and identifiable.  But there were familial problems that were taking up a lot of my time.  I was over-worked, over-stressed, under-nourished... and I got sick.  In pretty much every way a person can get sick.  Physically, I have been ill since Oct. 31st, 2011.  I'm still not totally right, but I've been doing much better during the past week or so.  I'll get better.  But it was hard to heal when my mind was in so many directions.  Anxiety REALLY took over my life for a while... and I was not in a good space.

I suppose even if I'd had the time or energy to blog, there would not have been much to say.  Due to.. well, due to my shit, BDSM really got put on the back burner.  Thankfully our relationship overall was not put in the background.  Master's kindness and understanding is probably what got me through all of this crap.  He was the one constant I had and the one thing I had to look forward to at the end of every day.  But still, it doesn't make for decent blogging material.  At least not in my opinion.  (You still are! <3)

I have a lot of self-repair to work on.  Physically, I have to mend - not only to be non-sick, but to get back in shape after months of lethargy and the inability to move much (I also cracked a rib or two at some point.. that didn't help).  I have to get my head back on straight, although I feel like it's mostly there now.  And, perhaps the most difficult of all, I've got to get back into the swing of M/s.

Many months ago, my first collar was lost.  We had moved apartments, and somehow or another during that time, my collar got wet and molded.  It was simple, a 1'' black leather strap with a dee & o-ring.  But it was my first collar.  I had had it since June 2005.  It was heartbreaking to lose it.  I know it sounds petty, but I'm sentimental and it made me sad.  Anyway, Master ordered 2 new collars the other day and I am anxiously awaiting the opportunity to be wearing them.

I've been wanting a kind of 24/7 collar, something I can wear in the shower without fear of ruin (stealth collar from Ring of Steel, anyone? :P).  But uh.. that's on hold for the moment.  Master is letting me wait until I've achieved a certain personal goal of mine before wearing it.  At any rate, I'm glad to be back and really glad to finally have a collar (or two) again.  I'll post photos when they get here.

I hope the new year is treating everyone well.  I've been looking forward to 2012 for a long time... and I think it'll be a good year.  So far it seems pretty great.

*~zelda...

Video isn't mine.  It has credits at the end, though!

BELATED Review! Moonshine for the New Year

Well, here is is after much, much delay which I am very sorry for.  Especially to EdenFantasys - a well known place where one can buy all types of sex toys - who has been very kind to me and patient while I was dealing with a pile of personal/family problems as well as an illness.  Thank you very much for that, EF (special thanks to Kayla).

Now for the fun stuff.  And yes - anal plugs are fun!  I selected the Moon Shine, which is both fun to play with and lovely to look at.  I don't normally use photos from EF's website, but the ones I took did not look very good for whatever reason.  So here are the website photos of the toy for your reference.  And yes, the colors really are this rich and pretty!

Glass toys will never stop being lovely!  The first thing I want to say is that I actually would not recommend this plug to beginners.  Perhaps an adventurous, enthusiastic one.  Even so, I don't think this should be a toy for a "first anal experience".  It is quite girthy at it's widest point, which feels great when it's in but could be difficult to insert for the inexperienced user.  EF lists its diameter as 1 5/8 inches and circumference as 5 inches.  I am not totally new to anal toys, but I am not a frequent.. practitioner (lol) and I did have difficulty with inserting this.   That said, onward!

The base of the toy is wider than the widest spot on the plug itself, so you shouldn't have to worry about anything getting "lost".  This is an important fact to consider when purchasing anal plugs as, unlike vaginal toys, anal toys can get lost inside you and that makes for a very uncomfortable (and expensive!) trip to the ER.  But with the Moon Shine, you've got no worries there!

Glass also makes for excellent anal toys because it is easy to clean and sanitize (pop in the dishwasher for ultimate ease) and it will NOT retain any odors.  Additionally, you can play with the temperature of the toy by running it under hot water or cold water.  The Moon Shine retains temperature pretty well, although please be careful not to get it so hot that your burn your sensitive bits.  Same goes for cold - too cold can be quite unpleasant if you aren't mindful.

Overall, this toy was great for use during sex and for wearing around the house.  The shaft part is a bit thick, so it was a little tough for me to wear for too long.  Still, the glass gives it a nice weighty feel and it is large enough to provide nice sensations without being too overbearing.  I would recommend this toy to anyone who likes anal plugs or glass toys in general.  Again - my only reservation about this product is that it is perhaps too large for a beginner.  Semi-experienced users have nothing to lose, though!  Happy plugging... ;)

*~zelda...

Happy New Year

Well, if anyone is still reading, I'm not dead.

I have been extremely sick for the past 2.5 months or so.  I'm only just now starting to feel like myself again.  More on that later.

I am sorry for abandoning you, blog.  I missed this place, but I had neither the energy nor the will to get up and write.  I owe EdenFantasys a review from 2 months ago, and I will be on that ASAP.

And then I need to update everyone about everything.  But I wanted to throw up a post and let everyone know I'm still alive.

*~zelda...