Still Alive

Would you believe me if I told you I'm still alive?

A lot has happened in the past 2 years.  We've moved (again), so we're out of LA already.  We're married now.

But we're still together, and I'm still breathing.

I hope you're all doing well.  I'm not sure if I'll be actively posting again or not, but I thought I'd throw out a note mentioning that hey - I'm still here, even if I'm lurking.

*~zelda...

Merry Christmas, Happy New Year - I'm Not Dead!

You guys didn't tell me that working full time was going to cut into my blogging abilities so much.  Geez... :P

Master moved back in with me at the end of September.  We're now both located in Los Angeles.  We still have no friends because we're anti-social.  For some reason, I can't seem to find any local munches.  I know they're out there - it's LA, there have to be a few others like us somewhere!  We're also just low on time, though.  His work has him on a shitty schedule where we only have 1 day off together (he works Saturdays and has Monday off).  His job is also very far and the commute home is a huge time sink for him.

By the time he's home, I don't want to share him by going out and meeting other people.  Because I am a selfish bitch - what can I say?

I'm sorry for being hidden for so long.  It's just... taken such a long time to get settled, it seems.

I hope every had an awesome Christmas or Hanukkah or Solstice or whatever holiday you may celebrate this time of year.  Here is to an awesome new year in 2013!

I've had some personal drama lately.  A friend got married and that has resulted in some hurt feelings on my end.  Not *because* she got married, it was just the situation brought up a bunch of drama and I wound up on the butt end of it I guess.  Which is too bad - she's my oldest friend and is really more like the sister I never had.  I haven't spoken to her since, but she hasn't reached out to me either.  I can't blame her, though - I don't even think she realizes I'm upset.  But I just don't want to mend it right now, I don't have the energy.

Yet another lack of BDSM in a post *le sigh*.  Anyone catch the premiere of Wives with Beehives last night...?  It reminded me a lot of BDSM-type "lifestyles".  I wonder how the "Vintage lifestyle" would feel about the comparison?  I know a lot of people incorporate both styles into how they live.  The show is kind of typical TLC junk - it's edited to make the women look like bitches when they're probably relatively reasonable.  But it did get me wondering about that sort of lifestyle.  It's very different from my own.  I'll be frank - the 1950s scare the shit out of me.  But there are a lot of similarities there too.  It's interesting to think about.

Anyway, hopefully you'll be seeing more of me in the future!

*~zelda...

I'll Be Seeing Him Again...

Tomorrow.

I'll see Master again tomorrow.  The last time I saw him in the flesh was July 11th.  I'll see him tomorrow evening, Tuesday morning, Tuesday evening, Wednesday morning... and then we'll both be gone.

This distance is so strange after living with him for so many years.  The 24/7 so-called "lifestyle" isn't something you just walk out of.  I feel him around me all the time, in the background, in the distance...

But I miss him so.  It hurts.

If he could just get down here sooner... Just a bit longer, I tell myself.  *Sigh*

I do know this.  Our meeting will be intense and wonderful.

After we part, I will crash.  Hard.

*~zelda...

(Still.. I look forward to it.  How can I not?)

So Which Is Better?

Which is preferable?

A - A dog tied to a tree or post in the yard.  He doesn't pull against his leash, but you know that if you just let him run around on his own, he'd be gone down the street in a moment.  He's a great dog, but you can't trust him to control himself and be responsible about his territory.  You wouldn't want him to get into shit by digging through the neighbors trash or, God forbid, hurt himself somehow by running around.  So restrained he stays.  You also need to dole out his food to him in rations and ensure he's drinking enough.  He always eats what he's served, but you are fairly sure that if his meals weren't scheduled, he would either over or under eat.  So you continue to portion his food for him.

B - Different dog.  This one can be off of his leash at all times.  You give him more freedom, he has the ability to act independently, but he makes the conscious choice to obey and stay within the yard - no matter how tempting it is to chase a car, play with the kids, or go after a squirrel.  You feel comfortable letting him outside and allowing him to do whatever he is supposed to be doing unsupervised - trusting that he will take care of himself without going against the rules he has been trained to follow.  You can leave food and water out for him freely, knowing that he will take what he needs neither too often nor not often enough.  This dog can be trusted because of the work you've put in with him.

I don't know if there is really a "right answer" here.  I know which one I would prefer as an owner.  I also know which category I'd probably fall into (although I'm not sure what Master thinks).  But think of A and B as slaves.  Which is "deeper" in slavery?

It's kind of a confusing theoretical question, at least to me.  B seems like a counter intuitive choice because this individual is given MORE freedom.  They are given choices.  They can CHOOSE to obey or not... but they (almost) always choose to obey.  But some would say that having self control - or ANY control - runs perpendicular to the idea of slavery and that a "slave" given control and volition is not really a slave at all.

Alternatively, A needs to be told what to do.  A will (almost) always do what they're told to do, but they still need to be told.   That has the disadvantage of being time consuming and potentially frustrating.  A has no control over his or her self.  For an owner (master, dom, whatever) that likes to micromanage, this could be a better ideal anyway.  But this individual has not learned to obey.  As such, they are not allowed options.

So I'll bring it back to the audience.  Again, I have an opinion.  Maybe my bias showed through in my writing.  But I'm not REALLY sure.  What do you think?  Which is "more" slave-like?  Or is there an answer at all...?

*~zelda...

Whirlwind

Well, I've been in Los Angeles for about two weeks now.  I won't lie, I'm kind of lonely.  Master is still in Portland (though he is looking for work down here).  I don't really know anyone in this area.

But you know, I rather like it.  I live a mile away from the beach.  My job is going pretty well.  All in all, I'd say I'm happy.  It's odd having to manage the house by myself.  I'm not used to flying this kind of plane solo.  It's not so much difficult as strange (for the most part).

Privately, I'm kind of worried that when Master gets down here I'll be somewhat resistant to his taking charge.  I'm independent by nature and the current situation is fostering those traits in me.  Granted, it is why I'm content and not totally miserable/lost.  But I don't want to have to re-learn to let go.  ...Alright, let's get real, I never REALLY learned to let go.  I'm horrible at it.  Still, I'm afraid of losing what I have learned somehow.  It's tough, having him away.  For a lot of reasons (I'm sure you know or can at least imagine).

I would like to go to a local munch or something, but I am afraid to go without Master.  I don't know anything about the kink community here or which groups might be more or less accepting of a new person in a group.  Any recommendations from any locals...?  I'm definitely a stranger in a strange land at this point.

I'm sorry again for going so long between posts.  But moving.  That shit takes a lot out of you.  I'm actually kind of amazed by how well it went (thanks to some help from my parents, thank God for families that come through in a pinch).  Even so... lonely and maybe just a little bit lost, despite my bravado.

I wish I had more kinky/BDSM-y things to write about, but things being what they are, well... you'll probably be seeing a lot of "theory"/introspective type posts coming in the future.  Bah.

*~zelda...

So Much to Tell You

Seriously you guys.  I have so much shit to tell you.  Most of it is not BDSM related, but I find myself not really minding that for one reason or another.  Anyway, here is the bullet-form version of what's going on:

• I graduated from my undergrad university in May.
• I went to a research conference over this past weekend for about 5 days.  I don't want to say where, but it was a place I'd never been before.  It was wonderful.
• I got hired by a different university.  In Los Angeles, CA.
• I'm moving to LA in two weeks.
• Master will have to stay here for several months because our lease here isn't over (sad face).

So... that's a lot to take in for me.  It all happened really fast.  I just got back in town from that conference yesterday evening.  I'm absolutely PANICKED about packing all of my things and somehow getting this shit down there.  Mind you, Master and I currently live in a studio.  This probably sounds very foolish to people who have moved entire households across the country.  But here are my excuses for panicking, again in bullet-form:

• The last time I moved 1,200 miles everything I was bringing fit in the back of a full-size sedan.
• The last time I moved 2,000+ miles, I had the help of my family and a professional moving company.
• I've never done this before - how do I shot web? (Meme explanation if needed/wanted).

Well, there is all of that.  Now you know what I've been doing and why I've been such an absentee blogger lately.  Any advice from those who are wiser and more experienced out there...?

I'd also be lying if I said the biggest source of my anxiety wasn't about being away from Master for potentially up to 3 months. :/  I know we'll get through it.  I know it will be okay and that he'll be rejoining me eventually.  I know we can do it because we've done it before.  But damn, I don't wanna and I'm scared.  *sigh*

But, at least I have positive things causing my stress, right?  For that, I'm very grateful.  I'm very blessed to have received this opportunity.  It's prestigious, career-related, and will get me into graduate school after 2 years of work.  It doesn't pay a lot, but it's an awesome opportunity that will take me where I need to go.  That's why I can't disregard it out of fear.  I have to do this.  I would be foolish not to.

No one will ever be able to say that I struck out looking. (Explanation of baseball reference for those who want it).

~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~

I briefly want to put a plug in this post towards a cause close to my heart.  Yesterday was PTSD (post-traumatic stress disorder) awareness day.  I want to draw your attention to two awesome organizations:
Battling BARE
Operation: Restored Warrior

Battling BARE is (mostly) comprised of spouses/partners of soldiers and veterans suffering from PTSD.  However, it is also supported by children and general supporters of the troops.  They are very new and here is an article that mentions both organizations.  Both have facebook pages and I know that BB has a blog as well (Restored Warrior might as well, I'm unsure).  You should consider financially supporting operation restored warrior, which is a non-profit dedicated to providing free retreats for vets wtih PTSD to help them discover new ways of coping and finding serenity in their lives.  This is very, very important work.

I know that soldiers aren't the only sufferers of PTSD, but this issue is near and dear to my heart.  I will likely be submitting a photo of myself to BB in honor of my father at some time in the near future.  Thanks for looking and caring, everyone.

*~zelda...

The Point of No Return

I haven't been posting.  You may have noticed, maybe not.  My lack of online presence is, in part, due to a transformation I've been undergoing.  But we, He and I, have evolved in interesting ways over the past two months...

You have come here

in pursuit of your deepest urge,

in pursuit of that wish, which till now,

has been silent.

I have brought you

that our passions may fuse and merge.

In your mind,

you've already succumbed to me,

dropped all defenses,

completely succumbed to me.

Now you are here with me.

No second thoughts.

You've decided.

Past the point of no return.

No backward glances.

The games we've played til now

are at an end.

Past all thought of if or when,

no use resisting.

Abandon thought,

and let the dream descend.

*~zelda...

Friends and Romance

This post is just going to be me whining and angst-ing about other peoples' drama.  This is rare for me to do.  Feel free to ignore it.  But.. I'm writing here because I feel like I've been a bad friend and I need to talk this out somewhere.  They aren't even kinky. :P But I've known them both about ten years now...

I'll call the male of the pair X and the female H.  They're both good people - highly intelligent, driven, successful.  They've been officially "together" since November 2007, between 4 and 5 years now.  That's a while.  They've survived quite a bit together, they went to college in different states but still saw each other almost every weekend (they're on the east coast - the states are small and close together out in the NE :P).  I have a long history with both of these people.

When I first met H, she and I clicked instantly.  We were best friends from the moment we met.  That lasted a long time.  We've grown apart a bit over the years as both of us as quite busy, but I still consider her one of my closest friends.  Our friendship has not been without issue, but that's long forgotten and not relevant anymore.  X and I met at the same time and we were also very fast friends.  We had the same interests, hobbies - we even took music lessons together for a few years (we both played the same instrument).  X and I are similar to the point of romantic incompatibility.  He has always been a wonderful, dependable friend, like a brother to me.

When X and H got together, I was pretty happy for the two of them.  X and I used to carpool to/from high school - we both lived far from school and lived within a mile of one another.  So one day, walking back to my car I said to him "So.. I heard from H that you guys are an item now".  He acknowledged.  I continued on and told him, calmly but seriously, that if he ever hurt her.. I'd have to kill him.  (I'm quite protective of my friends)  He nodded, told me he entirely understood and that he was glad H had friends like me.  We dropped it and went on with our afternoon.

After they were dating for a while, I essentially had to give up X as a friend.  I knew I could still go to him for help if shit hit the fan (which I'd had to do once or twice before), but we couldn't hang out "one on one" anymore.  H got too weird/possessive about it, although there was never any threat to her.  Still, I wanted to respect her and the two of them as a couple.  I saw him in groups.  But a distance was forced between us.  Still, it was good to see them together.  They're a nice couple.

But I have to say... a mutual friend, another girl called J (J, H, and I were a little cluster throughout junior high and high school) as well as another male close to both X and myself (call him S) - the three of us have noted that H has never treated X very well.  X has ALWAYS bent over backwards to give H exactly what she wants, to make sure she is perfectly happy (and this girl is almost never happy with anything).  It's not that H never does anything for him, it's not that she outright doesn't care but... X loves her.  Truly loves her.  I think H cares for X.. but she doesn't really love him.  In fact, she's told me as much.

And now.. she has him waiting on a back burner.  Set to the side, the fire turned off while she deals with a newly heated, spicy, fiery dish.  Apparently she decided she wasn't "taking her own advice" and wants to "play the field while she's still young".  That's not a choice I made, but I understand.  J has yet to really settle into a committed relationship, but here's my issue - H and X HAVE BEEN IN a committed relationship.  And he has killed himself to make her happy.  Years ago, X even told S "You know, if things don't work out with H at this point, I'm okay with being alone for the rest of my life".  Which cut J and I to the core - poor X!  He deserves better than that.  And that was before she decided to put him off to the side to pursue some new sexual interest she's suddenly decided she has.

Where he will wait.  Gladly.  Because he loves her so much that her being happy is more important than her being with him.  ...She couldn't return the favor if it were the other way around, I think.  And I feel angry for him.  I feel hurt for him.

...And I also feel like I've been a really bad friend to him.  Looking back on it, he means just as much to me as H does, yet I never sat down with H and told her "don't you hurt X, God damnit" the way I had done with him.  I willing backed away from him as a friend to keep her happy.  Sure, it was probably the right and respectful thing to do and I'm sure X understood/understand, but A - no one was doing anything wrong to begin with and B - maybe I should have tried to be a better friend at a distance...

I don't know.  I know it obviously isn't my fault and that - at the end of the day - it's none of my fucking business if he wants to be her doormat.  They're both adults.  They're both intelligent.  I still can't help but feel that I've failed him, somehow.  I'd like to reach out to him now but.. what the hell do you say? "Hey man, heard you're being a tool - how's that going?"  Obviously not... *sigh*  The whole thing just bothers me and I'm upset for him.  I wish I could do something for him, but I don't know what, if anything, is appropriate.  I also don't know how flagrantly disapproving to be with H in regard to her actions.

Sorry this is whiny, irrelevant, and stupid.  I just... hope X ends up alright.  Maybe he'll end up finding something better and it'll work out in his favor.  But still.. I feel badly for him.  And I feel stuck in the middle.

*~zelda...

On My Knees

I think I've exhausted myself.  Maybe Master too.  There has been a lot of sex going on in our house.  A lot.  He's also turned up the heat a bit in terms of his domineering attitude.  I'm fine with this.  In fact, I love it.  It's kind of rare to see him in his element these days - things pile up: work, no car, sickness, etc.  Our whole relationship has been pretty light on the BDSM for the past.. year.  It didn't seem that long to me, but I looked back over my blog and found that it has indeed been kind of a long time.  After the struggling I went through a few weeks ago, this feels like coming home.  Like air after being under water for too many minutes.  I'm enraptured.

Naturally I love him no matter what is going on.  Part of being a slave is accepting that his needs come before my own.  He always takes very good care of me and ensure that I am generally content - but I can't force him into uber-Dominant mode whenever I feel like I need someone else to take the reigns.  Sometimes I ask if I find myself particularly desperate, but it's not the same when I have to request it.  He doesn't typically indulge those requests anyway.  ..I dunno, I don't mean to make the man sound lazy or vanilla.  Truth this, things have been out of sorts for a long time.  Mostly financially and that bothers him a lot more than it bothers me (call me naive, I'm just glad we have a roof over our heads and food in the fridge).  But the reality is that what he needs (support, R&R, a solid SiC by his side) are what I have to give him.

It's tough, though.  I think that's what results in the discord I feel inside sometimes.  I have to be mentally alert, agile, ready to contribute, helping carry my share of the weight.  But I find it difficult to give advice to someone and submit to them in the same breath if that makes sense.  It's easier if he's fully in control of the situation.  Of course it is.  Unfortunately, no one is going to be 100% in control of everything all the time.  That's why people have servants or "help" as we used to call them - sometimes you need someone else to do some shit for you.  I think I'm rambling and I've stopped making sense.  The point is, I think we're getting back on our feet.  Or at least, he's getting back on his feet and I've got to get back on my knees.  And I like the view from down here very much.

I'm totally, totally exhausted though... *curls up on the couch*  I may have a nap right now if I can get my brain to shut up for long enough.  He's still at work and I've got several hours before he's home and we start dinner (I know, I'm the worst - I rarely cook alone, usually either he cooks or we cook together.... but he claims to like it.  And I never said I was worth a shit for anything domestic).  Hopefully everyone is enjoying the Monday as much as a Monday can be enjoyed.  I have lots of deadlines coming up over the next few weeks.. wish me luck.

*~zelda...

Challenge

This is unrelated to anything.  I've been hearing this song on the radio, and I really love it.  The male singer sounds like Sting (especially during the chorus).  It's really awesome hearing an 80s voice in modern music (I'm an 80s music junkie).  If you're interested, hit Play while you read the rest. :P



I'm still trying to read that Fifty Shades series.  I'm not sure if I'm just getting used to the shitty writing or if the author improved by the time she rolled around to writing the second book.  Could be some combination of both.  Still, going to press on.  It's tough for my the judge something before getting through the whole thing.  ... That's not to say it hasn't stopped me in the past, but eh - I'm busy as hell and my brain could use something thoughtless to occupy it.  It's like watching daytime television - a reprieve from academia and intellectualism.  I have to confess, though - I've not been converted into an erotica fan. lol  I've also started re-reading a bit of Tess of the d'Urbervilles.  I'm not the biggest fan of 19th century lit, but it is a classic.

(By now you're all probably wondering what kind of literature I *do* like.  I can save that for another post.)

I missed the March Q&A train again.  I forget every year.  I think I did it once, but didn't receive many questions anyway.  Still, I'd like to catch it from the get-go one of these days.  Maybe next year!

I've been pondering Master and my relationship with him a lot recently.  In good ways.  Still, I can't help but self-deprecate so much of the time.  I want to be challenged, but I know that as soon as it gets difficult, I rear up and buck against it all.  It makes me disappointed in myself.  Maybe I'm not trying as hard as I think I am...?  It's hard to say.  I feel like I do fight for it, struggle with myself over it, but try as I might - the whole "total submission" thing eludes me.  He's told me time and time again he doesn't want utter submission.. it would make me dull.  I agree with him - it would make me very dull.  But I need to give him more than what I've been offering recently.

Meh.  It's hard.  You all know that, I'm sure I'm preaching to the choir.  I just think I should have a better grasp on this by now.  Maybe it's because I'm so young.  I guess we'll see as the years unfold further.  Time has been marching on alarmingly fast these past few moons...

*~zelda...